zevahc Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I haven't posted in awhile...nor do I get on LS much anymore. This whole journey/experience is such a process. And it's certainly different for everyone; be it because of circumstance, personality or other aspect, I don't believe that every situation is the same or the solution identical. I'm not offering up anything new here...repeating what can be found on 1000 other threads, posts etc...but I'm I wanted to offer some encouragement and I guess just share what I've learned and experienced in the past 6 months. I offer my sincere thanks to a dear friend who has helped me in this journey...she knows who she is...and I'm forever grateful. These are in no particular order...just some things I've come to realize and continue to realize each day. I'm in no way at 100% or recovered fully. I still have my battles but I'm seeing hope for my future once again and as ridiculous as it may sound I was at a point last year where I had lost that ability. First, stop making excuses. We all do this..and for anyone who has been through therapy, the term "bargaining" comes to mind. We can create reasons, situations and cite all sorts of complications about why we can't change things...but the reality is...those are excuses. Changes something...anything. But take action. Words as we all know are meaningless without action. I finally had to quit believing my own lies and reasons that I kept coming up with...and do something. I used work, friendships and other relationships as reasons I couldn't do this or that...but they are all excuses. Deep down I knew that...and self reflection revealed the truth. Social Media is the enemy...it's wayyyy too easy now days to cyberstalk or whatever you want to call it your AP. It's about discipline. I can honestly say that removing, blocking and moving on past the temptation of checking, wanting to know was the biggest relief I've ever experienced. Naivety is your friend in this circumstance. Don't seek to know...I went as far as to "unfollow" every common link to my AP so I see absolutely nothing. It takes discipline. Some people don't have discipline...and I can't help you there..but I can tell you this was an incredible turn around for me....and I credit much to this step. NC...we talk about it..NC is huge...the above too steps were part of NC for me. My brain wasn't NC when I wanted to know what was going on in my xAP's life all the time. It means being strong and ignoring BC's. It means being responsible for self..not worrying about how it impacts this person you had feelings for...b/c that isn't going to fix "you". If ever a time to be selfish...be it in NC. I'm a single AP...so in my case, I wasn't having to dodge or reinvest back into a spouse. But for people riding the fence...not doing anything but posting on LS really doesn't change anything. The cycle will go until you break it. LS isn't the fix...it's just a place where people can come with common issues and talk about it semi-publicly. Furthermore, if LS becomes a point where it causes the mind to go wild on things that could happen or are happening..then get off the site! I found I had gotten to a point where reading certain things would trigger me..to the point I would break NC. Distract - find anything and everything to make yourself stay the course once your on it...this was slow going for me...and it wasn't for a lack of trying...but once I picked up steam...it was huge. Lastly...understanding it's a journey and forgive yourself when you mess up. I can say I broke NC many times...I broke LC many times. I started process and failed..repeatedly because of her BC's....or because of my own weakness. Forgive yourself...move on and start over. But take action if you are miserable and want to change that...if one change doesn't work try something new until something works. Talking about it forever won't change it...it helps to blow off steam, but active action is necessary to see real change. Cry when you need to cry...write if you need to write...you can't skip steps really in the journey. My friend told me this..and was right. But I believe resilience is in our nature as people. If you choose to break out of the cycle...you can and will. I expected it to be easier...but I didn't do it until I was ready, and failed at many first attempts. I finally got to that point. There is a particular member who has said the following on here a few times...and was completely right...everyone has to get to the point where they want it for themselves...it has nothing to do with the AP. So good luck. I went from honestly feeling like life was just pitiful...over. I was depressed non-stop and couldn't see a foot in front of the fog. I'm still on the journey...but the fog has cleared...and I'm feeling much much better. 9
OpheliaSong Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Best advice...don't put yourself in that situation in the first place and you won't be depressed and heartbroken when it doesn't work out. 3
wasntlooking Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 (edited) I thought i was done posting but i read this and had to put in my thoughts. I totally 1000% agree you have to get yourself off of social media. Theres way too much temptation to check up on people. I went back and and forth, block, unblock for about three months until i just a week ago totally deleted myself off the sites. Let me tell you its the best thing you can do. Everytime id check up on him it would bring me down more than i already was. Ignorancd is bliss. I finally feel progress coming and its such a relief. Jusf to clarify, he doesnt have any social media it was his wifes pages i was looking at. I think that made it 1000% worse i think. I dont know why i was torturing myself. It was really hindering my progress. Edited February 26, 2014 by wasntlooking add more 4
Rollercoaster Rider Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Best advice...don't put yourself in that situation in the first place and you won't be depressed and heartbroken when it doesn't work out. I don't really think you need to pour salt on the wound. I think everyone here has already come to that conclusion.... 9
Author zevahc Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 Best advice...don't put yourself in that situation in the first place and you won't be depressed and heartbroken when it doesn't work out. I do agree with this...that's why I didn't take this comment personally...you can't take anything on here overly personal. People all have different perspectives. Certainly not entering into an inappropriate situation would have been better. But being perfect in life isn't an option for any of us...that being said. I hope to grow as a person because of this experience...acknowledging the wrong things I took part in..but hopefully becoming a better person regardless. 3
sunburned Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 NC...we talk about it..NC is huge...the above too steps were part of NC for me. My brain wasn't NC when I wanted to know what was going on in my xAP's life all the time. It means being strong and ignoring BC's. It means being responsible for self..not worrying about how it impacts this person you had feelings for...b/c that isn't going to fix "you". If ever a time to be selfish...be it in NC. . Thank you for posting. I always appreciate it when regular participants who leave return for updates. I'm glad your time away has been full of productive self-reflection. You are good to share what you've learned. Any other tips for getting the brain to go NC. I've been NC for 6 months with the A over for nearly 8. I'm not worried about breaking NC because it's all about self-preservation. The dipsh*t brain is still obsessing. And my xAP has no social media. What are BC's?
verity123 Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 We blocked our phones and email any other internet communication so we cannot call each other. But we know each other's habits so we deliberately find each other, sometimes without even looking hard. It feels right and it feels like destiny. I cannot find an answer. But we are drawn like magnets, as we always have. Sometimes my need to see him comes at his need to find me, just to see each other. I cannot see an end.
Author zevahc Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 We blocked our phones and email any other internet communication so we cannot call each other. But we know each other's habits so we deliberately find each other, sometimes without even looking hard. It feels right and it feels like destiny. I cannot find an answer. But we are drawn like magnets, as we always have. Sometimes my need to see him comes at his need to find me, just to see each other. I cannot see an end. I felt like..and still in some ways feel that way...but I had to go the route of discipline...because situation hasn't changed...she's still a MW. I need to be happy and quit living a tormented life. This was the only way. 1
spice4life Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 You're a very grounded person, zevahc. It is always a pleasure reading your posts. Awesome thread and kudos to you for sticking to discipline. I am happy to hear that it has brought you some much needed peace among the chaos an affair can create. Good luck! 2
Popsicle Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 zevahC, thanks for the post. Just curious, have you started dating?
Author zevahc Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 zevahC, thanks for the post. Just curious, have you started dating? I have. I had actually started back last year very casually. I don't and will not share this experience with anyone. For me, dating was a means to regain myself and my confidence. I don't date with any intent of long relationship right now but rather just to gain friendship and try and find some normalcy outside of what I did past few years. Something i don't have to hide. I know some great gals. But I'm not ready for them and in many ways I know they aren't what I need or want but I enjoy the conversation, time, and moment just to be normal and get out and about. Nothing more really. Not everyone agrees with this approach but for me the dating has been therapeutic. Not a replacement for what i felt or had, but somehow something that is helping me become a healthier me again. 1
txgrl Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 So good to hear about your progress. You were among the first people who responded to my first post here and I remember the anguish in your post . I wish you much happiness . I might PM you once I can . Although I thought if never PM guys here, some of the most helpful people here are guys so I'll have to change my own rule:) posts like yours make me come back to LS. Stay healthy and happy and keep us posted . 1
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