bananow Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 3 days ago I broke up with my gf of 10 months. I'm 24, she's 25. We had great times together but are also same personalities so she wants to take lead in the relationship as do I and we are both equally stubborn. As a result we argued all the time over matters large and small and although I honestly think I have tried to resolve our issues, she always resolved them by stopping to speak with me for usually a day. I tried talking to her about it but without change - it drove me crazy. She would also like to settle down soon (30 is her max borderline for a child, I'd like a child later) and move in together and I don't want that anytime soon either. So I decided to break up. She totally hasn't expected it and I feel like an a#&hole and totally depressed. I want to make it as easy as possible for her and the thought of her being hurt makes me sick. But nonetheless I think we should meet up again and I should explain it more clearly. What do you think? Will it be easier for her if just let it be? Wont it be harder for her to see me again? I am also worried that I will let her persuade me back into the relationship as she will surely promise she will change but I don't think she can change her fundamentals. I feel down the whole time...
Zahara Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 The thing is, there is nothing you can do to make it as easy as possible for her. A break-up hurts and it's painful. Nothing you can say or do is going to make it easier to accept or handle. There is no need to meet her and explain yourself. Being in such close proximity and having someone you love tell you in your face that they don't want to be with you anymore is going to tear her apart all over again. It may also give her hope. If you need to be clear, you can send her a letter and state your reasons, wish her well and then cut contact. Don't do it if you are only doing it to alleviate your guilt. The best thing you can do for a dumpee is to cut contact and let them go. 1
Author bananow Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 Thank you so much for your answer, I appreciate it so much!! I thought about a letter as well but then I wanted her to get a chance to talk to me about it so that she has a feeling she has done everything she could and that she has told me everything she wanted. If I send her a letter she won't have a chance to address anything and it could make her feel even more depressed. But I don't know - I have sincerely never been dumped although I have been through a few relationships and unfortunately neither has she. So I don't know what' best... I just want to help her.. 1
Chi townD Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Forget it dude. You made the choice to have her out of your life. So, bringing her back in for a "discussion" isn't going to make you or her feel any better. By meeting up with her, you might be sending her the wrong message. You might fill her up with false hope, You definitely will pour salt back into an open wound. Dude, you wanted her gone and she complied. Let her stay gone. Let her heal from this and move on with her life. I mean, isn't that what you want for her? 1
Zahara Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Thank you so much for your answer, I appreciate it so much!! I thought about a letter as well but then I wanted her to get a chance to talk to me about it so that she has a feeling she has done everything she could and that she has told me everything she wanted. If I send her a letter she won't have a chance to address anything and it could make her feel even more depressed. But I don't know - I have sincerely never been dumped although I have been through a few relationships and unfortunately neither has she. So I don't know what' best... I just want to help her.. Addressing the issues isn't going to make you change your mind. Giving her a chance to explain is only going to make her believe that if she says the right things, you may change your mind and give her a chance. If you are dead set in your decision, you explain your reasons and let it go. More depressed if she doesn't get a chance to explain? Again, even if she has a chance to explain herself, she will walk away having to deal with a break-up. She's going to be depressed. There is no more or less depressed when you're in the pits of a break-up. You cannot help her. You just ended a relationship with her. You are her pain. You are her hurt. As I always say when dumpees want to seek comfort from the dumper -- YOU CANNOT find comfort from the person that is hurting you. All you will find is more hurt. You trying to pick at her wound isn't going to help her. Help her by leaving her alone.
guest572 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Please dont send her a letter! It will likely upset her further when she reads it over and over. Meeting in person will be a bad idea too as it will cause more pain. If she wants to talk, she can call you. If not, leave her alone. I am going through this right now (in her position) and it doesn't matter how many times he explains why, I still dont understand and probably never will. 1
Author bananow Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 As crazy as it might sound she just called me a few minutes ago. She wanted to let me know she is ok and coping with the break up. We decided to meet up because she said she truly doesn't understand the reasons and that I didn't give her a chance to approach the relationship differently (although I believe I have because we have addressed the issues before). She was on the brink of crying but held her head high with pride. She has always been that way. Now I'm just worried that she will promise me to change to make me happy and I don't know what I'll say. I think all the change in the world will just be short-term. I feel like I haven't stopped loving her but just rationaly know we aren't meant for each other...
Zahara Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 As crazy as it might sound she just called me a few minutes ago. She wanted to let me know she is ok and coping with the break up. We decided to meet up because she said she truly doesn't understand the reasons and that I didn't give her a chance to approach the relationship differently (although I believe I have because we have addressed the issues before). She was on the brink of crying but held her head high with pride. She has always been that way. Now I'm just worried that she will promise me to change to make me happy and I don't know what I'll say. I think all the change in the world will just be short-term. I feel like I haven't stopped loving her but just rationaly know we aren't meant for each other... Do not meet her. What are you not understanding from what we are saying to you? If nothing she is going to say is going to make you change your mind, then decline the meeting and walk away. You know that she is going to beg and plead and promise you the world because she will want you back. It would be utterly selfish of you to meet her. You know this. 2
Chi townD Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 If you're dead set on not being with her, then don't meet up with her. I mean, why? What's it going to change? I think that you're having a hard time being the "bad guy". Well, guess what! You broke her heart, you ARE the bad guy. You're just going to have to accept that and move on. 1
Never Again Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 (edited) Do not meet her. What are you not understanding from what we are saying to you? If nothing she is going to say is going to make you change your mind, then decline the meeting and walk away. You know that she is going to beg and plead and promise you the world because she will want you back. It would be utterly selfish of you to meet her. You know this. Seriously. Look, OP, you claim you've addressed the issues before. In her mind, she likely doesn't think you communicated effectively how big these problems were to you. She's thinking that she didn't know things were bad enough for you to dump her. That's often the case here, and your original post sort of suggests some big communication issues between you two. If you couldn't have a discussion without fighting, if you two quarreled instead of being able to respect each others opinion and work together, then you BOTH have problems. It has nothing to do with both of you trying to "lead" the relationship. One partner completely taking charge is, in reality, a rather silly and narrow-minded view of relationships. You needed to work together and you couldn't. If you know, deep down, that she'll never be able to convince you differently...that you could resolve your differences and function as a couple...then you need to leave her alone. You made your choice already. You decided you didn't love her enough to work through your problems. Will talking to her really change that? My ex offered the closure talk when she dumped me, and like a total MORON I accepted because I thought our issues could be worked out (and they were WAY more mild than yours...I was just depressed and it completely turned her off). Guess what she did? The same thing you're going to end up doing to this girl: Delivering a carefully rehearsed list of reasons you don't want to be with her. Don't do that to her. Edit: If you're dead set on not being with her, then don't meet up with her. I mean, why? What's it going to change? I think that you're having a hard time being the "bad guy". Well, guess what! You broke her heart, you ARE the bad guy. You're just going to have to accept that and move on. Pretty much what I was going for. You're going to feel like an assh*le because you hurt someone you cared about. There's no shame in putting your happiness first, but you're going to the "bad guy". Just accept it. Edited February 26, 2014 by Pfenixphire 2
Chi townD Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Phire brings up, yet again, another good point. Meeting up with her to discuss the demise of the relationship would pretty much consist of you telling her what you didn't like. Therefore, all she's going to hear is that you two aren't together because SHE didn't do this, that or the other. Hence, it would seem like you would be placing the demise of the relationship squarely on her shoulders. Thus, you would crush her. Spiraling her deeper into depression and killing her ego and self esteem. Just move on.
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