markmartinisfast Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Last time I was talking to my girlfriend and I said something about having sex, and she said "everything has to do with sex in your mind" I was sort of taken aback. Yea I enjoy sex but I don't talk about it 24/7 or expect it 24/7 I don't do nice stuff for her thinking "hey i'll get some sex now" i SAID "no it's not" back to her and was kind of not sure what to say next should i maybe discuss this with her?
TAV Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Yes, I think you should. Sounds like she starts seeing sex as a chore, that's never good.
hasaquestion Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Last time I was talking to my girlfriend and I said something about having sex, and she said "everything has to do with sex in your mind" I was sort of taken aback. Yea I enjoy sex but I don't talk about it 24/7 or expect it 24/7 I don't do nice stuff for her thinking "hey i'll get some sex now" i SAID "no it's not" back to her and was kind of not sure what to say next should i maybe discuss this with her? Obviously.......... 3
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 The whole thing is not a good sign. How often are you having sex? Does she climax regularly? If/when you get her off is it always the same way or can you mix it up? If your truly not pestering her for sex, and shes saying stuff like that you have a problem. Then its a performance issue. If your doing it right she should be all over you for sex not viewing it as a chore. 1
oldshirt Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Actually no, do not discuss it with her. This is not something you can fix with words or discussions, it will take actions. If you bring it up for discussion at this point she will interpret it to mean that you aren't getting enough and are trying to get more. "All you want is sex" is actually a sign of a bigger disease. This is actually a stage in the deterioration of a relationship that comes a few steps before, "I love you but not in love with you." It means one or a combination of a few things - - she's not sexually attracted to you so ANY amount of sex is too much for her. - You are not providing her with enough comfort, rapport, support, security etc so she feels you are just going to pump and dump her and move on to the next chick. - your sexual appetite is outside a healthy range and you get pissy and aggressive when you don't get it. Example of this is someone needing it several times a day and becoming whiney or actually abusive if they only get it twice a day. We would need more specific info on the day to day dynamics of your relationship to determine what it's about. 2
BikerAccnt Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 If your truly not pestering her for sex, and shes saying stuff like that you have a problem. Then its a performance issue. If your doing it right she should be all over you for sex not viewing it as a chore. You must be young, if you weren't you'd know this isn't always true. Sometimes you can be doing everything right, and someone still doesn't desire sex, or thinks it's a chore.
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 You must be young, if you weren't you'd know this isn't always true. Sometimes you can be doing everything right, and someone still doesn't desire sex, or thinks it's a chore. I'd like to think I'm young, but sadly no. But good call I've actually not had this happen to me personally. I can only base this on married women and women with boyfriends I have slept with before. Though there are always other issues along with it. And the OP might be soft soaping it. But unless there are major issues, they have always said the quality of sex with their SO was lacking and or boring...
Phantom888 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Last time I was talking to my girlfriend and I said something about having sex, and she said "everything has to do with sex in your mind" I was sort of taken aback. Yea I enjoy sex but I don't talk about it 24/7 or expect it 24/7 I don't do nice stuff for her thinking "hey i'll get some sex now" i SAID "no it's not" back to her and was kind of not sure what to say next should i maybe discuss this with her? Interesting...I dated a woman who says the same thing. "Always about sex..." then she would roll her eyes. Yes she enjoyed sex with me, but she thought of it as doing me a favor. I didn't appreciate that. Broke up with her because we are not at the same level when it comes to sex. My fiancee requests that I pleasure her because she sees sex as a two-way street, and that we both need it frequently. That's sexual compatibility. 3
MidwestUSA Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I'd like to think I'm young, but sadly no. But good call I've actually not had this happen to me personally. I can only base this on married women and women with boyfriends I have slept with before. Though there are always other issues along with it. And the OP might be soft soaping it. But unless there are major issues, they have always said the quality of sex with their SO was lacking and or boring... Lack of sex/lousy sex is usually a symptom, not the disease. Of course it's the first thing any disgruntled spouse is going to point to, rather than admit there were deeper problems that, heaven forbid, they may have been a part of.
BikerAccnt Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Lack of sex/lousy sex is usually a symptom, not the disease. Of course it's the first thing any disgruntled spouse is going to point to, rather than admit there were deeper problems that, heaven forbid, they may have been a part of. Oh, you mean like the "problem" of menopause and deciding that how you husband feels about you not wanting sex anymore doesn't matter? Being unwilling to even try to make things better? Then being terribly upset and not understanding why the spouse asks for a divorce? That kind of problem? Sorry...hot button issue for me...back to regularly scheduled programming. 1
MidwestUSA Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Oh, you mean like the "problem" of menopause and deciding that how you husband feels about you not wanting sex anymore doesn't matter? Being unwilling to even try to make things better? Then being terribly upset and not understanding why the spouse asks for a divorce? That kind of problem? Sorry...hot button issue for me...back to regularly scheduled programming. Sorry, sweetie, that wasn't what I meant. I was referring to other issues, usually communication related, that lead to cutting off sex. Of course, menopause is/can be a problem. Oddly, I was backing your argument . Sorry you had a rough go, I was actually hornier after menopause. 2
OpheliaSong Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Are you pleasuring her, giving her sensual foreplay? Are you working hard to give her an orgasm and make it about her equally? What exactly are you doing to get her prepared for intercourse and giving her an orgasm? 1
pteromom Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 - You are not providing her with enough comfort, rapport, support, security etc so she feels you are just going to pump and dump her and move on to the next chick. - your sexual appetite is outside a healthy range and you get pissy and aggressive when you don't get it. Example of this is someone needing it several times a day and becoming whiney or actually abusive if they only get it twice a day. Usually one of these two. Mark, are you able to cuddle, kiss, hug, etc. without it leading to sex? Do you compliment her on personality, intelligence, hard work, and not just on her looks? I would definitely talk to her about it and ask what she means by it. Most of the time, comments like that are just a passive-aggressive way to complain about something SHE isn't getting from the relationship. So yes. Ask her. It's usually solvable.
Author markmartinisfast Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 Are you pleasuring her, giving her sensual foreplay? Are you working hard to give her an orgasm and make it about her equally? What exactly are you doing to get her prepared for intercourse and giving her an orgasm? yes i do to me it seems like in her mind, everytime we hang out she thinks i want to have sex. which isnt true. i wish we could but its not like im always pestering her for it
Author markmartinisfast Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 Usually one of these two. Mark, are you able to cuddle, kiss, hug, etc. without it leading to sex? Do you compliment her on personality, intelligence, hard work, and not just on her looks? I would definitely talk to her about it and ask what she means by it. Most of the time, comments like that are just a passive-aggressive way to complain about something SHE isn't getting from the relationship. So yes. Ask her. It's usually solvable. yes i always compliment her, and sex for us is two ways . i always get her off by foreplay and i know she enjoys it. she even told me my oral skills are superb. i do know she got put on some different anxiety medication a few months ago and she has mentioned her sex drive isn't the same. also she is trying to lose weight because she thinks she's getting fat and is looking like a slob
OpheliaSong Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 yes i do to me it seems like in her mind, everytime we hang out she thinks i want to have sex. which isnt true. i wish we could but its not like im always pestering her for it She may have had an ex like that...or maybe you make all touching, kissing and caressing turn into sex so she feels that is all you are after? So do you just hold her hand or gaze into her eyes and kiss her passionately? Sounds corny, but it is what we like. That to us is part of foreplay but we don't necessarily need you to do that then unbutton your pants and stick your weenie in our hands. We need that to be a part of the emotional foreplay. Remember to some women, it is all intertwined especially if they are in relationship. Sex is a part of the love experience. Gazing into eyes and hugging is a part of that.
Poppygoodwill Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 yes i do to me it seems like in her mind, everytime we hang out she thinks i want to have sex. which isnt true. i wish we could but its not like im always pestering her for it I hate to say it, but you've just let the cat out of the bag. "You wish you could...". Whether or not you're saying it directly, she can feel that. She knows it. She senses it. And she feels pressured. Question: do you ever kiss her with passion, and leave off without expecting it to go all the way to sex? Does you ever touch her intimately and leave off without it going to sex? If the answer is no, then she probably feels that any amount of physical action is going to have to lead to sex, which is an awful pressure to be under. You could talk about it, but I recommend action to speak louder than words. Essentially, seek intimacy, but start walking away sometimes from sex. Not in a mean way, but in a "I just want to kiss you becuase you're gorgeous" sort of way, and that's all you want. Then get up and go home. My bf volunteered to forgo sex for a fortnight when I raised the issue that perhaps our relationship was more about sex than was healthy. And he meant it. I think we made it four days, but the point is, he was willing to *show* me that he genuinely cared about me. He's now my husband. :-) So, to sum: if she's said this, then you should address it. Best way to do it is to prove to her that you don't want sex every time you are intimate or affectionate. So prove it. And now whining 1
Poppygoodwill Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I hate to say it, but you've just let the cat out of the bag. "You wish you could...". Whether or not you're saying it directly, she can feel that. She knows it. She senses it. And she feels pressured. Question: do you ever kiss her with passion, and leave off without expecting it to go all the way to sex? Does you ever touch her intimately and leave off without it going to sex? If the answer is no, then she probably feels that any amount of physical action is going to have to lead to sex, which is an awful pressure to be under. You could talk about it, but I recommend action to speak louder than words. Essentially, seek intimacy, but start walking away sometimes from sex. Not in a mean way, but in a "I just want to kiss you becuase you're gorgeous" sort of way, and that's all you want. Then get up and go home. My bf volunteered to forgo sex for a fortnight when I raised the issue that perhaps our relationship was more about sex than was healthy. And he meant it. I think we made it four days, but the point is, he was willing to *show* me that he genuinely cared about me. He's now my husband. :-) So, to sum: if she's said this, then you should address it. Best way to do it is to prove to her that you don't want sex every time you are intimate or affectionate. So prove it.
oldshirt Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I've read your other posts. You are very insecure. Men give and receive love through their sexualities . It could be that you are seeking assurances of her love so much through sexuality that she feels that IS all you are wanting. That you are very insecure is obvious. What is undetermined at this point is why. Are you innately insecure for no real valid reason or are you of normal confidence and she is giving you just cause to be insecure ( ie is blowing you off, breaking dates, flirting and spending time with other men, rejecting your affections, not showing interest in future of relationship etc etc) Again more background info is needed such as your ages, how long dating, any medical issues, your dating history, her dating history, when did things go bad, when we're things good, any bad events or moments either of you screwed up etc? Additionally some meds will make libido plummet as will body image issues. Give us some more background info.
Author markmartinisfast Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 i'll admit if we are cuddling i usually do think it will lead to sex. but there's nights where ill give her a back massage and i won't try to have sex. but yea i guess i should back off and take a step back. she likes to have sex with me i just think she gets annoyed that i try to force it instead of letting it happen 1
StanMusial Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 You need to mix it up some, girls like to go out and have fun and socialize and be entertained, while most guys would be happy to stay home and bang all day.
Author markmartinisfast Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 You need to mix it up some, girls like to go out and have fun and socialize and be entertained, while most guys would be happy to stay home and bang all day. we do go out
oldshirt Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 There are a couple reasons I do not advocate bringing this up for discussion at this time (it can be discussed later if it's still an issue) The first is at this point in time she already feels that all he wants to do is have sex. So if he tries to bring it up, all she is going to hear is, "what can I do so we can have more sex?" Additionally he is already very insecure and insecurity in men is probably one of the things women find most unattractive (confidence being one of the things they find most attractive) approaching her to ask her why she feels this way will be a big bright shining display of insecurity at this particular point. Also, anything thing she says, he will try to explain to her why she is wrong. Anything he says to try to tell her he's not in it for sex will come off as sounding like he'll try to modify his behavior so she is ok with having sex. Actions always speak louder than words but this is one of those times where saying anything at all is going to be the wrong answer. This must be addressed through behavior and deed. The first thing that has to be addressed is the insecurity. The problem is You can't just snap your fingers and not feel insecure. The trick is you have to not speak and act insecure even when you are. One of the most insecure things a person can do is ask what's wrong? People can't really answer that question anyway so it usually wasted breath anyway. Also trying to have sex with someone to aleave your fears of them not liking you is an act of insecurity. Only try to initiate sex when they are acting flirty, showing green lights or initiating sex with you. If they are showing no interest or receptivity to sex, do not try to initiate. If you go six months and they haven't shown the slightest interest in sexuality, dump them. Women are typically the ones that want to talk about relationships and talk about problems etc. If the guy is the one that seems to be having the issues and seems to be the one wanting to talk about issues in the relationship she is going to see him as needy and insecure and it will be a big DLV. 1
Khyla Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 You need to mix it up some, girls like to go out and have fun and socialize and be entertained, while most guys would be happy to stay home and bang all day. um, not ALL girls, no. I always rather just the two of us go somewhere secluded (preferably outdoors during warm weather) and bang all day!
StanMusial Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 um, not ALL girls, no. I always rather just the two of us go somewhere secluded (preferably outdoors during warm weather) and bang all day! Like I said, go out.
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