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for bs,who reconciled,did you think your kids would think you were a doormat?????

snappytomcat

By snappytomcat
in Infidelity

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snappytomcat Established Member

snappytomcat

Posted
Posted

this is for the children who knew about ws cheating,unfortunatly my my oldest daughter over heard me on the phone,and told her sister,but they were young adults,i wish they didn't know.

I really struggled with wanting to reconcile at first,and one of the biggest reason,is I thought my kids would think I was a doormat,and I thought I was giving them the message,that cheating was ok.

im a strong,attractive,compassionate,independent woman,how could I take a lying cheater back?

well after much ic,and mc I learned that walking away from a 20 plus year relation ship,would be the easy way out,repairing takes courage,and strength,and it does its a struggle at times.

I also sat down with my daughters,and had a heart to heart talk with them,and they said they didn't think if I took their dad back I was weak,they would have been heartbroken if I didn't,because we have so many good memories as a family,and we have always been a loving family,and we will continue,to make memories as our family gets larger.

so the first few months after dday,I did struggle with this a lot,but now I don't,our mc did say that couples that want to reconcile,this is often the bs talks about.

so I guess its normal

cozycottagelg Established Member

cozycottagelg

Posted
Posted

Having not been in the situation...take it for what it's worth..but..

 

I think children need to see a strong parent make the best decisions for themselves and for the good of the family. I also think they need to see their parents making decisions and sticking to them.

 

If they see their parent as a BS who is wishy washy, takes the cheater back only to have it happen again and again..that would be a doormat of a parent.

 

If a BS decides they need to divorce immediately and they do it amicably and respectfully, I think that sends a good message to the kids.

 

Likewise, a BS who chooses to R and is confident in that choice shows their children that they are in charge of their own life.

 

Kids suffer, in my opinion, when you see your parent being weak and vulnerable. A child doesn't want to see that. I think any decision that is made is fine, but you need to do it with conviction. And stick to it. Be a source of strength, not weakness, no matter what you decide to do.

  • Like 3
drifter777 Established Member

drifter777

Posted
Posted

Yes. (10 characters)

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted

No.

 

My parents attempted to reconcile and I did not think for one moment that my mother was weak. It didn't work out and again that did not make me think she was weak.

experiencethedevine Established Member

experiencethedevine

Posted
Posted

My children all knew of their Father's indiscretions, but not one of them thought me weak and feeble in any way for making the difficult decision to stay in the marriage.

 

 

They were all affected deeply by his betrayal. They too, as I, bear the faded scars of it.

 

 

They would in all likelihood tell you that I am far from a doormat. All of them.

  • Like 3
frogss29 Established Member

frogss29

Posted
Posted

My eldest daughter definitely had trouble understanding why I chose to stay and work out our troubles. She definitely thought I was weak and seemed to lose respect for me for a time.

But that was more HER dealing with the betrayal and realising her parents were not the 'happy couple' she always thought we were.

It is VERY early days for us but I feel we are teaching our children that, although it is very tough, we are not throwing in the towel on what really has been a great life/marriage. Yes, we have problems. But we care enough about each other to work through things rather than finish it.

We have four adult children.......two of them seemed to handle it much better than the other two. But ALL of them have forgiven their father and have things in balance again.

I was always very clear that WE had problems which did not involve/include them.

I think they also can see that despite everything, we love each other very much..........as a matter of fact, this hideous episode has woken us both up and made us realise JUST how much!

And our 'kids' see this - see how hard this has been, so how hard we are working at this, and how that 'weakness' has nothing to do with it

  • Like 2
Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted

No, they think I am the strongest, most amazing and most resourceful woman on the planet and I try to live up to that image every day of my life.

 

They were young adults when DDAY hit, and two of the three were already suspecting something like this was going on but never said a word. They were protecting me!

 

We set a pact that we could speak with anyone we needed to, including counselors, but would not entertain gossips or intrusions.

 

Initially, the oldest encouraged reconciliation because "you were always the strongest one;" the second said to divorce him now and the youngest just dissolved in a puddle of tears....

 

We are happily, successfully reconciled and my H worked/works doggedly to restore his relationship with all of us.

  • Like 3
TheBladeRunner Established Member

TheBladeRunner

Posted
Posted (edited)

I decided NOT to R with my XW for 2 reasons:

 

1. She is lazy and would put in no effort. In her mind HER A was ALL my fault.

 

2. I did not want my daughter growing up with a man that would stand for such a betrayal. Sorry folks, if you are married and not happy, end it. I don't feel that finding someone else to fill your own voids is right. My child will know that when you make a promise you keep it, and if things don't work out, which happens, do the right thing by NOT cheating on your spouse.

 

I'm nobody's doormat. The thing that would have made me a doormat is that I am positive my XW would have continued with her A's, she didn't want to change a thing.

Edited by TheBladeRunner
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Just_AGuy Member

Just_AGuy

Posted
Posted (edited)

ok I don't think this is fair question to ask your kids. Because they are suddenly given responsibility way above their age. So in event that their decision would fail, they may feel very very bad. See you're adult and not sure which path to choose and then you moving responsibility (even if implicitly) to kids... I've read somewhere that in event of divorce parents should never ask kids with whom they want to stay because it's too hard for them to make such choices. I

Edited by Just_AGuy
mercy Established Member

mercy

Posted
Posted
No, they think I am the strongest, most amazing and most resourceful woman on the planet and I try to live up to that image every day of my life.

 

They were young adults when DDAY hit, and two of the three were already suspecting something like this was going on but never said a word. They were protecting me!

 

We set a pact that we could speak with anyone we needed to, including counselors, but would not entertain gossips or intrusions.

 

Initially, the oldest encouraged reconciliation because "you were always the strongest one;" the second said to divorce him now and the youngest just dissolved in a puddle of tears....

 

We are happily, successfully reconciled and my H worked/works doggedly to restore his relationship with all of us.

 

 

I love and have much respect for your story and YOU. It is so close to mine. When it concerns the children. Simply beautiful. You allowed them their own feelings, relationship and outcome. I love it. As I said much MUCH respect to you from one betrayed woman to another. :love:

 

Thank you for being so classy in an un-classy situation! Hats off to you!

  • Like 1
anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted
Yes. (10 characters)

 

Drifter

 

I hope for your personal journey that you take note that everybody else has said that children do not see the BS who chooses to reconcile as a doormat.choosing to reconcile is not a sign of weakness (just as choosing to leave is not either). Making a decision and acting on it takes strength. Settling for something that makes you unhappy and that you regret however is not.

  • Like 2
JS84 Established Member

JS84

Posted
Posted

Have to admit there were a couple of years after I found out my dad was cheating on my mom (I was 17) I really lost a bit of respect for her (him as well but for different reasons obviously) because she was too weak to do the right thing, which seemed obvious to me, and leave.

 

After awhile though that passed when I realized she didn't stay with him because she was too weak to walk away from the marriage. From her point of view divorcing and leaving was more trouble than it was worth. Her and my dad sleep in separate rooms, get a long okay, I don't know if they "love" each other necessarily but my mom has managed to maintain her dignity while not being a doormat.

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

Posted
Posted

whether they think you are a doormat that is weak and pushed around vs a strong person fighting for the marriage and living up to a sacred commitment will depend on a number of variables.

 

 

The main one of which is are you drawing a line in the sand and enforcing that boundary and whether or not your WS is respecting that boundary.

 

 

If you are being manipulated, pushed around and putting your head into the sand and letting him tell you whatever BS he wants and you go along with it just to keep him in the house, they will likely see you as weak.

 

 

If they see you laying down the law, then enforcing those laws and not allowing yourself to be lied to, manipulated or pushed around and they see your WS as respecting those boundaries and living up to your code. Then they will likely see you as a strong, courageous person that took no sht and put up the good fight and saved the marriage.

 

 

One of the key things is how your WS responds to you and respects you and how you deal with how he treats you. If he straightens up his act and flies right and respects you and treats you with respect and dignity and compasson, so will they.

 

 

If he mistreats you and manipulates you and disrespects you and puts up with it, they will judge you accordingly (along with a good dose of disdain for him)

 

 

If he mistreats you and you give him the boot, they may be sad that their parents marriage dissolved, but they will understand and will respect you for doing what had to be done.

 

 

It will also be good role-modeling for them showing that they should not put up with being mistreated.

NotOW35 Member

NotOW35

Posted
Posted

I still think of my mother as weak and dependent for not giving the boot to my dad after his very obvious affair. She dragged his ass to counseling and all that...but it was always clear there wasn't trust. To me she just stayed for security, and that seemed kind of pathetic...almost like a form of gold digging.

seren Established Member

seren

Posted
Posted

My son was 22 when his Dad had an A, he thought he was a dickhead for having the A, after asking if I was all right, he did what I asked and left it up to us to decide how we would manage D Day and the what next steps. My son always knew I was the assertive, deal with it all head on person and his Dad the conflict avoider. It is how it is. My son would and does know that I never, ever do anything I have not thought about or want to do, he also knew and knows that me and his Dad love each other, very much. I didn't worry he would think less of me, I did, however, worry that he would think less of his Dad. He was told what he asked and what we decided he needed to know.

Reconciliation is not for the faint hearted, it takes a lot of forgiveness, strength and if it is to work, reciprocity from the WS to want it to work.

 

I place far too much value on me and my marriage to be a doormat for anyone. I have and will never knowingly share the person that I love - it would be against everything I value in myself and relationship. I can choose to forgive infidelity, I would never choose to have it as a part of my life, if I did that I would seriously give myself a talking to.

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