Older children of OM/W finding out about A

[sybo24]

My ExMM had a dreadful experience with his children when he left. His kids are 18 and 23.

 

 

He actually left 3 times previously so they were aware of the situation and me. The last time after 6 months of no contact with them he just couldn't take it any more and we split.

 

 

They sent him awful texts and in the end I knew that if I was in his life they never would be. I ended the relationship as he couldn't but I could see that it was killing him.

 

 

I hope that now I am out of the picture they will be able to mend their relationship and move on.

 

 

To be truthfully I don't think that their relationship was good to start with. He worked a lot and I suppose they thought that he just wasn't their for them. He reasoning was that he worked so they could have good holidays, a university education, cars and what ever else they wanted.

 

 

This is a mistake I think some dads make. A hard road to go down and make the right choices.

[Anne Boleyn]

Will someone please share their experience if they were/are the OW/OM and their older child( 10+) years old found out that mom or dad is seeing a married person . I'd imagine they'd be devastated . When I see some of the posts here, I wonder how our kids would react if they read them?

 

My answers on the other thread:

 

Originally Posted by experiencethedevine

Inspired by another thread, how did your older children handle the fallout of the affair?

The kids weren't of an age to know of the affair, though now the oldest is putting two and two together and I think realizes that his father and I had an affair. If he starts asking questions, of course we'll answer them, but I think that he also realizes that the situation is complicated as he's also acutely aware of his mother's mental condition. As he gets older, I think because they were young when they divorced, that there will be longer legacy of our functional relationship than of their dysfunctional marriage.

What of your grandchildren? How was extended family affected?

No grandchildren.

 

Extended family was affected in various ways... All of them on his ex-wife's side and his side felt the need to weigh in, some were very critical and they fell out, others said that whatever he chose they'd support him in because their love for him was the prevailing attitude.

 

As time has gone on, her mother thinks she can do no wrong and my husband can do no right, her father is very friendly to both my husband and I, even to the point where we trade vacation tips and when he needed help with the kids he called me for advice. His family has all come around and, despite his mother and stepfather cutting him off for a few years, are both very friendly to both me and him. I think all family members, aside from her mother, are fine and have no issues.

Edited March 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote, I think!

[Summer Breeze]

My D was in her late teens when I was with DMM. I didn't introduce them til I was sure he was someone I loved and wanted in my life. She knew from the start his situation and though she wasn't happy about the situation, she knew I loved him and let me get on with it. It didn't take long for them to get really close. Her heart broke when I ended things with him but again she knew it was my R to have.

 

Now that he and I are together she's as happy as I am. She is also really close to her dads W who was his OW.

 

DMMs kids and I have a great R and I'm really thankful they accepted us and never avoided being in the middle of our lives.

 

I think a lot of it is how you treat the R between the two of you, and how you treat your R with them. I wonder how well we would have done with his kids if we all hadn't had our own therapy though.

[Got it]

My stepmom was my dad's OW. It was hard for my stepsister to not find out about it. We don't live in a small town, but the local school networks are close knit and all of the parents know one another. There were a lot of rumors spread about my stepmom and my stepsister was teased for it. She stopped getting invited to parties and events because the other moms didn't want my stepmom around their husbands.

 

She is in high school now and still gets reminded about it. Sometimes the boys in her class come up to her and ask for sexual favors and joke about how being a "slut" runs in the family. They also make plenty of "your mom" jokes.

 

Emotionally, she is troubled. She has self-harmed in the past and been in trouble with the law. She also has no respect for her mother, and not in the usual teenager kind of way.

 

Good lord where do you live!?! I can't imagine a community so consumed with other people's lives that they would act like this especially years later. Jesus on a pogo stick that is like Payton's Place.

[SolG]

My daughter is in her 20s. Her father and I have been apart for a long time. She has met MM (a few times) and his W and kids through work functions when MM and I used to work together. She really likes MM as my work colleague.

 

My daughter and I have had the conversation about how she'll react when/if her Dad and/or I ever find someone special. She says she will be happy for her Dad, but probably not so much for me. I get that; girls and their Dad's have that bond. My own mother had been widowed for quite a few years when she remarried; and I found that really difficult back then when I was in my 20s.

 

But to get back to my A, she doesn't know. But when/if MM and I ever become an open couple and I introduce him as my BF... she's not a stupid girl. I'm sure she'll have questions/suspicions about the origins of our R. If it eventuates, it'll be a sensitive time that I'll have to handle with great care. I'm taking note of the posts here on how others have dealt with this.

[road]

My daughter is in her 20s. Her father and I have been apart for a long time. She has met MM (a few times) and his W and kids through work functions when MM and I used to work together. She really likes MM as my work colleague.

 

My daughter and I have had the conversation about how she'll react when/if her Dad and/or I ever find someone special. She says she will be happy for her Dad, but probably not so much for me. I get that; girls and their Dad's have that bond. My own mother had been widowed for quite a few years when she remarried; and I found that really difficult back then when I was in my 20s.

 

But to get back to my A, she doesn't know. But when/if MM and I ever become an open couple and I introduce him as my BF... she's not a stupid girl. I'm sure she'll have questions/suspicions about the origins of our R. If it eventuates, it'll be a sensitive time that I'll have to handle with great care. I'm taking note of the posts here on how others have dealt with this.

 

 

 

 

 

How honorable is doing something that you have to hide it?

 

 

 

 

How honorable is it for you to hide from your daughter about the truth that you are getting her to accept and friend the person that is banging her dad's wife?

 

 

How honorable is the lesson that you are teaching your daughter that lying, and cheating one's husband, and deceiving your children?

[georgia girl]

If I understand it correctly, the original poster was looking for responses from the other person (presumably single) about their own children's responses, not the married partner's children's responses. That's why I haven't responded until now and I still want to respect that premise. The situations are entirely different and I think it's a unique question I haven't seen posted on LS before.

 

The other person's children are in a completely different position. Mom or Dad is single. They have a right to date and in a lot of ways, it's very healthy for children to see their parents date, particularly when they're demonstrating to their children healthy dating behaviors... things like making sure that your dating partner shows respect for you, making family time alone with your kids still a priority, etc. Especially with my teen nieces, before my husband and I married, I "got" that they were observing us and picking up on clues about how to date from us. I thought that was important for them to see.

 

So, while every child and every parent are unique and therefore no situation can ever be pigeon-holed, in general, I can think that finding out your parent is dating a committed/married partner is a less traumatic thing than to find out one of your parents is dating. As a kid, I'm sure you still have to reconcile what your parent has always told you and what their actions are telling you, but I think one poster said that she acknowledged her mistakes to her children, had open and honest conversations with them and used that as a basis for teaching/parenting. That, to me, is outstanding. The way I would want to parent if I ever had that opportunity.

 

For a child whose parents are married and you find out that your parent has another relationship (which is what happened in my case), it's a more threatening and devastating proposition. Your family and your life are very much hanging in the balance at that discovery. I think to a single person who discovers this, there isn't that risk. You're not losing your home, your parents are not splitting up, your financial future is not at risk. So, it becomes more about the decisions surrounding the relationship. It's a totally different scenario.

 

On a caveat, I hope I was respectful of the question and kept it on topic and didn't turn it into the married partner's children's responses.

 

Thanks, GG

[Lady2163]

I am in a small town and wanted to comment about what the child is going through.

 

This is what frequently happens in small towns. The daughter may be a great kid, but the women don't want her mother around their husbands.

 

This isn't that far of a stretch. I have two former friends (now) who each stole a boyfriend from me. I eventually let both of them back in my life briefly, but refused to have them meet my boyfriend(s). I was pretty emphatic about it. One friend was actually remarried and I still refused to double date. She was very "insulted" I would begin to think she would cheat on her husband.

 

I know I've upset people in the past by saying children have no business knowing about affairs. It isn't just to 'protect' the OW/OM, it is because I just don't think kids should be exposed to knowledge of adults sexual...experiences (?) than necessary. People will say that I'm being naive or living in a small town bubble or they already hear much worse at school.

 

I have neighborhood kids pop in a lot. I'm a frequent babysitter for several people. These kids know next to nothing about my sex life. As it should be. Nor do their parents and I talk about anyones sex life in front of the kids, even the gossip is carefully censored.

 

From my experience, how children of any age react depends on how the parents treat the issue. Unfortunately, I've seen more parental alienation and teen and tween kids being treated like they are mom or dads confidante, instead of kids.

[SolG]

How honorable is doing something that you have to hide it?

 

How honorable is it for you to hide from your daughter about the truth that you are getting her to accept and friend the person that is banging her dad's wife?

 

How honorable is the lesson that you are teaching your daughter that lying, and cheating one's husband, and deceiving your children?

 

Hi Road :-)

 

You've got me on the whole generic honourable thing; not much of that in the traditional sense in an A situation. And yes, there is deception involved. Not proud of it. But neither would I be proud to drag my daughter into knowledge of my A at this juncture. What would be the point?

 

However, I'm an OW not a WS. OW/OMs' children is the focus of this thread. I am for all intents and purposes single.

 

My marriage is in the distant past; I am long term amicably separated. I am not cheating on my daughter's father; just as he is not cheating on me when he dates (as he has every right to). He and I are still family and very good friends. Hence the conversation about my daughter's thoughts on what it will be like when either of us ever find someone special.

 

And secondly, she met my MM before our A (she may have seen him once at the most since it began) in the normal context of her going to her mother's workplace and associated functions. We're talking incidental, not deliberate, meeting.

 

It seems like something in your misconstrued reading of my post may have been upsetting for you? I'm sorry if that was the case.

Edited March 6, 2014 by SolG