txgrl Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 (edited) Will someone please share their experience if they were/are the OW/OM and their older child( 10+) years old found out that mom or dad is seeing a married person . I'd imagine they'd be devastated . When I see some of the posts here, I wonder how our kids would react if they read them? Edited February 26, 2014 by txgrl
Author txgrl Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 Just realized there's a v similar thread going on in infidelity forum
spice4life Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 They were disappointed at first, but then they became worried for me due to the unique circumstances. With me I have always admitted my mistakes and what I've learned from them, so to them it was just another life experience and lesson I've learned.
bentleychic Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I'm really not sure how to answer this. My kids know about MM and I'm sure they know he's more than a friend since he's pretty much the primary person that I talk to and text with. They like him and vice versa so that is helpful. I am a single OW. I don't know if that makes a difference in the equation or not, however, mine accept my relationship (what they know of it) just as easily as they accept the fact that the sky is blue. It doesn't seem to bother them although they do sometimes ask why they can't see him more often (it rarely happens at this point in time and always casually for a very brief time when it does.)
thinkingofhim Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 lol. My mom was an OW when I was in my early teens. I got to hear all the typical MM sh*t about how it was ok cause she was mean, cold, didn't care, he was just stuck with her but working on a divorce, my mom and I were going to move into his house once he finished working on his divorce, it was going to be so great, blah blah blah So to me, he was a super nice guy and I also got to hear about how his wife was cold etc "marriage over in all but name", and I was a bit bothered by it but not much, because as a dumb azz kid I believed his future faking crap just as much as my mom did.
MissBee Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 lol. My mom was an OW when I was in my early teens. I got to hear all the typical MM sh*t about how it was ok cause she was mean, cold, didn't care, he was just stuck with her but working on a divorce, my mom and I were going to move into his house once he finished working on his divorce, it was going to be so great, blah blah blah So to me, he was a super nice guy and I also got to hear about how his wife was cold etc "marriage over in all but name", and I was a bit bothered by it but not much, because as a dumb azz kid I believed his future faking crap just as much as my mom did. I'm surprised your mom got you wrapped up in it. You weren't a "dumb ass kid", you were a kid plain and simple and you followed your mom's lead, which is what children do. She was the wrong one for all of that IMO. I'm not a mom yet, but already I know that if I were to end up divorced and dating I really would be extremely slow about bringing a man I'm seeing around my child/children until it got really serious , worse if I'm having an affair! I absolutely would not introduce them to this man as anything while I am his secret gf and he has a wife and family elsewhere. It's fine if a mom wants to be a MM's secret but why make the kids have to have a secret relationship with this person too that will only hurt them as well in the event of a DDAY or if he never leaves. Even if you have "hope" that it works, on a protective level for your kids' sakes, I'd imagine you would avoid anything like that with a MM with whom it has an even greater chance to not work out or be messy if there is a dday. However, moms aren't perfect and maybe if your mom was telling you all about the R and his wife then she had her own issues going on with maybe over sharing and confiding in her child in a way that was a bit inappropriate. 1
wanting more Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 All 3 of my kids were told by their father about my A. My kids were upset at first of course. But my kids never had the best relationship with their dad, especially the oldest. And he also told them in a very ugly way. I think he figured they would turn on me. But they didn't. I have talked to them and let them know I made a huge mistake. But my kids are good. I don't see any signs of them changing. And my middle one already sees a dr (add) and the dr knew what was going on and he seems to think my child is doing good. This subject is a never ending one on here. And I try to stay off the threads. In threads questioning if AP stay in the M for the kids and people will comment about how they'd never talk bad about their WS to the children, the children would adjust. No one stays just because of the kids. Then the threads that talk about how completely devastated children will be. And how they'll turn into serial cheaters. And they'll never have a good life. It's not black and white. Yes some kids are deeply effected by it and do have emotional issues. Some are not effected. 2
thinkingofhim Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I'm surprised your mom got you wrapped up in it. You weren't a "dumb ass kid", you were a kid plain and simple and you followed your mom's lead, which is what children do. She was the wrong one for all of that IMO. I'm not a mom yet, but already I know that if I were to end up divorced and dating I really would be extremely slow about bringing a man I'm seeing around my child/children until it got really serious , worse if I'm having an affair! I absolutely would not introduce them to this man as anything while I am his secret gf and he has a wife and family elsewhere. It's fine if a mom wants to be a MM's secret but why make the kids have to have a secret relationship with this person too that will only hurt them as well in the event of a DDAY or if he never leaves. Even if you have "hope" that it works, on a protective level for your kids' sakes, I'd imagine you would avoid anything like that with a MM with whom it has an even greater chance to not work out or be messy if there is a dday. However, moms aren't perfect and maybe if your mom was telling you all about the R and his wife then she had her own issues going on with maybe over sharing and confiding in her child in a way that was a bit inappropriate. To add a little more clarity here, this man was the son of an older woman that went to our church that we were friendly with. He lived out of town, came to visit his mom, and befriended my mom, so I wasnt introduced to him in the context of "this is my married lover". He was a pleasant "safe" man that visited our town and church solo for several months before their R began. I honestly do not remember how much of the details of the A were confided in me by my mom vs things I simply picked up on, through filling in the gaps, overheard conversations between her and friends/him, etc. I know she told me some of it (mostly "Oh I shouldn't he is married, BUT"), but not all, and for his part he was very friendly and fun when around me. Little pitchers have big ears. 1
spice4life Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Just to be clear, my kids were grown and out of the house during the affair. I can't really answer for how I would handle that or if I would even allow it to happen if they were younger and living under my roof.
spice4life Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Thinkingofhim, I almost choked from laughing so hard at your "little pitchers have big ears" comment. LOL! So true! Hahaha! How has your experience with your Mom's MM impacted your life? The dynamic in a single parent home is very different from one where the parents are together. I imagine it must be a lot more painful and harder to overcome in a dual parent household. In a single parent home there is strong team dynamic when it comes to working through issues because more things pop up. LOL. I was a single parent and when mistakes were made I was honest and provided an explanaton and resolution on how to prevent it from happening again. In most cases anyway...haha! It was the only way to go. Especially when you have an emotionally dysfunctional ex who provides no help what so ever! I had to be both parents. Everyone makes mistakes. As long as you're honest about it - age appropriate explanations of course - you can use it to teach your kids about life. 1
thinkingofhim Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I am a single parent as well and I agree that it's a different dynamic. I think there's a bit of "us against the world" going on. I don't know how my experience impacted me really other than to say up to this point I think my "picker" is a bit off. Hopefully nothing I won't be able to fix... 1
Author txgrl Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 Don't know what to say . I guess I expected people to say its a horrible experience for older kids .
spice4life Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I guess it depends on the type of relationship the parents have with their kids. Did they present a false picture of themselves in their kids eyes or were they honest and real that parents aren't perfect and make mistakes too? 2
kalimata Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Younger kids (ie <5) have an easier time accepting it because they generally haven't grown up with the dysfunction. Kids from 10 onwards however will have a difficult time seeing their mommy or daddy with someone else. It will certainly screw up your kids for the near future.
wanting more Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 It didn't screw up mine. And they were between 13 and 21 at the time.
verity123 Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I guess it depends on the type of relationship the parents have with their kids. Did they present a false picture of themselves in their kids eyes or were they honest and real that parents aren't perfect and make mistakes too? Exactly this, my MM and his bs both lied to their grown up kids. Result, total bad reaction, just waiting till they actually grow up and make their own mistakes, they have been living in a false reality for so many years. Eldest is coming home all the time with her kids, just to keep mum and dad together. At what cost to her marriage|?
spice4life Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Exactly this, my MM and his bs both lied to their grown up kids. Result, total bad reaction, just waiting till they actually grow up and make their own mistakes, they have been living in a false reality for so many years. Eldest is coming home all the time with her kids, just to keep mum and dad together. At what cost to her marriage|? That is so sad. It creates a double whammy. The kids have to deal with the fallout from the infidelity AND the discovery that the foundation they built their life on wasn't real. That is a shame because it doesn't have to be that way. 2
Heart of Dixie Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 My stepmom was my dad's OW. It was hard for my stepsister to not find out about it. We don't live in a small town, but the local school networks are close knit and all of the parents know one another. There were a lot of rumors spread about my stepmom and my stepsister was teased for it. She stopped getting invited to parties and events because the other moms didn't want my stepmom around their husbands. She is in high school now and still gets reminded about it. Sometimes the boys in her class come up to her and ask for sexual favors and joke about how being a "slut" runs in the family. They also make plenty of "your mom" jokes. Emotionally, she is troubled. She has self-harmed in the past and been in trouble with the law. She also has no respect for her mother, and not in the usual teenager kind of way.
cocorico Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 My stepmom was my dad's OW. It was hard for my stepsister to not find out about it. We don't live in a small town, but the local school networks are close knit and all of the parents know one another. There were a lot of rumors spread about my stepmom and my stepsister was teased for it. She stopped getting invited to parties and events because the other moms didn't want my stepmom around their husbands. She is in high school now and still gets reminded about it. Sometimes the boys in her class come up to her and ask for sexual favors and joke about how being a "slut" runs in the family. They also make plenty of "your mom" jokes. Emotionally, she is troubled. She has self-harmed in the past and been in trouble with the law. She also has no respect for her mother, and not in the usual teenager kind of way. Wow what an awful place she lives in! do her parents know how horribly the other parents and their mean kids are treating her? I do hope she. Getting support from someone. It really sounds barbaric! I had no idea places like that existed in the modern world!
cocorico Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Will someone please share their experience if they were/are the OW/OM and their older child( 10+) years old found out that mom or dad is seeing a married person . I'd imagine they'd be devastated . When I see some of the posts here, I wonder how our kids would react if they read them? I kept my love life separate from my parenting, and so my kids only found out about my R at the point where it was serious and we were planning a life together. They were older - the youngest was at university - and they were pleasantly surprised to hear that I was seriously involved. They liked him, they get on very well, and so they were very happy that it has all worked out so well. 3
spice4life Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 My stepmom was my dad's OW. It was hard for my stepsister to not find out about it. We don't live in a small town, but the local school networks are close knit and all of the parents know one another. There were a lot of rumors spread about my stepmom and my stepsister was teased for it. She stopped getting invited to parties and events because the other moms didn't want my stepmom around their husbands. She is in high school now and still gets reminded about it. Sometimes the boys in her class come up to her and ask for sexual favors and joke about how being a "slut" runs in the family. They also make plenty of "your mom" jokes. Emotionally, she is troubled. She has self-harmed in the past and been in trouble with the law. She also has no respect for her mother, and not in the usual teenager kind of way. Wow! What a horrible community! Sounds like you live in a very closed minded town. The kids that are bullying her need to be reported pronto. What a bunch of disgusting little punks! What's even more interesting is that you didn't experience what your step sister is going through. The community scorns the woman yet the man gets a pass. Very sad. I'm not saying you should have been abused too; just pointing out the hypocricy. There might be something deeper going on as well since she has self harmed. It might have to do with her life before your father arrived on the scene. Just a thought. Do they have her in counseling? 1
Heart of Dixie Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Wow what an awful place she lives in! do her parents know how horribly the other parents and their mean kids are treating her? I do hope she. Getting support from someone. It really sounds barbaric! I had no idea places like that existed in the modern world! Her mom knows about the stuff that happened when she was younger like getting excluded from birthday parties, but I don't think my stepsister has talked to her about the current stuff happening. At 16, she is still in the phase where she wants privacy and doesn't want her mom or my dad knowing about certain parts of her life. If I told them, it would betray her confidence in me, and I'm not convinced there is much they could do to help her other than moving her to another school. Even if they were willing to do that, I don't think she'd want to leave the friends she does have behind.
Heart of Dixie Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Wow! What a horrible community! Sounds like you live in a very closed minded town. The kids that are bullying her need to be reported pronto. What a bunch of disgusting little punks! What's even more interesting is that you didn't experience what your step sister is going through. The community scorns the woman yet the man gets a pass. Very sad. I'm not saying you should have been abused too; just pointing out the hypocricy. There might be something deeper going on as well since she has self harmed. It might have to do with her life before your father arrived on the scene. Just a thought. Do they have her in counseling? I agree that the town is very close minded. She goes to a private religious school, so that may be why people have judged my stepmother's actions so harshly. It is all very "Harper Valley PTA". The town is also the type of place where everything is about football. I have no doubt that half of the town would actively try to cover up a rape if those accused were football players ala Steubenville. It really is a horrible environment. The school administration is aware of some of the bullying and teasing that has happened, but they have a "boys will be boys" type of attitude. They think things like having a group of boys corner a girl at a vending machine and ask for a sexual favors is "just flirting", not sexual harassment. Their idea of punishment is having the boys say 30 prayers as penance. Many of the girls aren't much better. She is a pretty girl, and a lot of them don't like the attention she gets from the boys. Unfortunately, neither my stepmom nor my dad believe in counseling. They think it's something only crazy people go to. My father didn't allow me to go to counseling either during and after the divorce even though my mom wanted me to go and I wanted to go as well. I have no doubt that her issues aren't only the result of the affair, but the ostracism and bullying haven't exactly helped her form a good support system.
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