Sparty97 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 As some of you are aware I have been living in a challenging, sexless, marriage for some time (18 married, +10 of that meeting the definition of sexless). In recent months things have undergone something of a change. We moved due to a job change for me. She has landed a new job with less pressure than her previous job. Something else that has changed has been her level of affection. She gets flirty, tells me she is horny, etc. It hasn't led to a ton more sex (to be honest I think I am holding back now), but that has been more kissing, touching, etc. I'm not sure what to do. I am a little wary of getting too involved physically I guess. I think I am afraid we will get physical more often and then she will stop/withhold again. The thing is she is also expressing all sorts of kinky thoughts too... bdsm, bisexual, additional partner thoughts, etc. I don't think she would actually do most of it. The backstory is that she is bipolar. She is medicated (though her new doc reduced/adjusted her meds), and I know about the highs and lows, but this is nothing like I have seen from her before. I'm not sure how to deal with this. Honestly I am not even sure what I am seeking advice about. Should I ride it out and enjoy it while it lasts? Should I experiment with her if that's what she really wants (the kinky stuff)? Should I put her off and ask her to talk to her doc to see if it has something to do with the bipolar?
ZMM Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I may have you beat on the +10, depends on how plus that is. But, you may be like me and can't say exactly for sure. This new development is quite interesting to say the least. I definitely could not imagine that ever happening in my situation. I am curious on how you decide to play this hand as opposed to the HAND you are used to playing. 2
OpheliaSong Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I thought about this from every angle...how sad you must be, how tired you are of her illness interrupting your lives, of the sexless years, OMG years,of her feeling exhausted and lethargic and confused due to meds, everything imagined, so ...I am not married and have never had this issue so please take what I am about to write with a grain of salt. If I was more affectionate, loving and sexual after a loooooooooonnnnnnnnggggg drought and my husband whom I loved rejected me, I would think it was easier to just stuff my feelings and desires down and never share them again. If it is part of her BPD, you should have experienced this before as I am pretty sure in +10 years she has has fluctuations in her meds before. I am wishing for the best for you both. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 What do you want? I'd at least try some vanilla rekindling just to see if you still want anything to do with her.
oldshirt Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 You deal with this by bringing the thunder whenever she initiates sex. Whenever she starts it you take the ball and run with it and ride her like a stolen horse. Bring out the beast and give it to her as good as you can and give her as many orgasms as you can. Then cuddle her and stroke her and make as much intimate pillow talk with her as you can. You want to reward her with as much of a flood of hormones as you can when you can. Never reject her advances. I don't care if it's three o'clock in the morning, you are dead-dog tired after working double shifts for a week and the reason that she is awake is because you just got a phone call your mother just died, if she gives you the c'mon, you bang her like a porn star that just got out of prison. Never question her motives or her change of heart. That will only make her insecure and question your intentions and question your masculinity and desirability. You have been dry for decade. You want to do as much bonding and generate as much closeness, energy and chemistry as you can now regardless of why. If something nefarious or bad is lurking underneath this, it will become apparent on its own in good time. If you really need to know, you can ask her about it in retrospect after you've had an active and healthy love and sexlife for a solid year. Don't rock the boat untill then!!!! 3
JamesM Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I think the question is....why. A sudden interest in sex and in different kinds...and with other people...especially can be a signal for what? An affair. Is that a concern you may have? You may know that I share the sexless marriage problem. Ours has its ups and downs. Last year was 13 times which isn't the worst. Now we are in a slump again. My point is...if my wife suddenly developed this interest in sex and in unusual sex, then I would be very worried and surprised. I would wonder why. Actually, this happened to us almost eight years ago. She became very passionate for sex. And then in a few months it was gone. I always wondered why. If I were you, then I would enjoy the ride but be wary. Find out the reason. If it is meds related, then rejoice. If not, then be concerned. if it is a renewed love for you (which may be entirely possible because the job is less stressful), then enjoy. If it is because of the new job, then wonder why. I would find out why before accepting it as a good thing.
Author Sparty97 Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 You deal with this by bringing the thunder whenever she initiates sex. Whenever she starts it you take the ball and run with it and ride her like a stolen horse. Bring out the beast and give it to her as good as you can and give her as many orgasms as you can. Then cuddle her and stroke her and make as much intimate pillow talk with her as you can. You want to reward her with as much of a flood of hormones as you can when you can. Never reject her advances. I don't care if it's three o'clock in the morning, you are dead-dog tired after working double shifts for a week and the reason that she is awake is because you just got a phone call your mother just died, if she gives you the c'mon, you bang her like a porn star that just got out of prison. Never question her motives or her change of heart. That will only make her insecure and question your intentions and question your masculinity and desirability. You have been dry for decade. You want to do as much bonding and generate as much closeness, energy and chemistry as you can now regardless of why. If something nefarious or bad is lurking underneath this, it will become apparent on its own in good time. If you really need to know, you can ask her about it in retrospect after you've had an active and healthy love and sexlife for a solid year. Don't rock the boat untill then!!!! So as usual I get to follow the lead on our sexlife? So much for marriage being a partnership right? I mean I see where you are coming from. I certainly would have done just as you suggested 20 years ago, but I am a middle aged man now. Everything functions properly, but my desires are different... but what you are suggesting is that only hers matter. Maybe that's what I want... for my desires to matter, and in 20+ years of this relationship they rarely have.
Author Sparty97 Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 I think the question is....why. A sudden interest in sex and in different kinds...and with other people...especially can be a signal for what? An affair. Is that a concern you may have? You may know that I share the sexless marriage problem. Ours has its ups and downs. Last year was 13 times which isn't the worst. Now we are in a slump again. My point is...if my wife suddenly developed this interest in sex and in unusual sex, then I would be very worried and surprised. I would wonder why. Actually, this happened to us almost eight years ago. She became very passionate for sex. And then in a few months it was gone. I always wondered why. If I were you, then I would enjoy the ride but be wary. Find out the reason. If it is meds related, then rejoice. If not, then be concerned. if it is a renewed love for you (which may be entirely possible because the job is less stressful), then enjoy. If it is because of the new job, then wonder why. I would find out why before accepting it as a good thing. I guess an affair is one of my worries, especially since she is talking up a 3way... maybe she is already involved and looking for a way to get me to approve of it? I guess what has me freaked is that there was nothing gradual about this. Quite literally one day she said "I'm horny"... that has happened maybe 3 times in our relationship.
bwright42tx Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 So as usual I get to follow the lead on our sexlife? So much for marriage being a partnership right? I mean I see where you are coming from. I certainly would have done just as you suggested 20 years ago, but I am a middle aged man now. Everything functions properly, but my desires are different... but what you are suggesting is that only hers matter. Maybe that's what I want... for my desires to matter, and in 20+ years of this relationship they rarely have. I don't think it's that your desires don't matter, so much as taking the opportunity that is presented to build the kind of relationship where your desires can matter.
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