Only kissing - but it still hurts.

[whichwayisup]

That's what I'd like to do.

 

It makes me even more angry of course, that I had to lose a friend AND my trust in my husband. Its like so much has been taken from me and I can't do anything.

 

Double betrayal is awful and I'm sorry to hear that your so called friend did this to you and your H as well.

 

She needs to back off and stop pushing herself on you. Ignore her attempts of contact...She is feeling guilty and wanting to relieve her guilt and not be the 'bad guy' in all this..She should be respecting your requests to leave you alone.

 

As for your H, well, he needs to come totally clean. There's much more to this, it wasn't just 'one kiss or one make out session'. They are stupid to do this and ruin the dynamic of the friendships and the kids as well. Nothing will ever be the same. time to make sure the kids play and hang out with their other friends (set up play dates) and distance yourself from ex friend.

 

Her husband needs to know the truth. She and your husband did this and now they have to face the fallout and suffer the consequences.

[Fluttershy]

Your husband is using your knowledge of him againt you. And it is working. I agree with those that say more happened and that he is minimizing.

 

Her reply was her excuse not indignation towads him for starters. You her the conversation and you are in denial and self protection mode. I understand that. But the reason you can't get over a drunken kiss is because your mind knows it was more.

 

I agree with those that say he remembers. All he signs point to that. Deny and minimize is key. I don't know if this was a one time thin emboldened by booze or not. That is merely speculation. I do know alchohal was a factor in taking such a risk. they probably would not have been so sloppy. But they were still a long ways from not remembering. Te fact they knew it was going to be akward in the morning tells me it was a new thing for them.

 

Scheduly a polygraph and tell your husband trust has been broken an dhe needs to do this one thing for you. His reaction will be a huge indicator to you. And you may get a parking lot confession.

[BHsigh]

One other thing that you need to think about, you said that you heard them talking from the tent, but when you went for a walk with him he could barely walk, let alone talk. Try to remember what he sounded like when they were talking, was it a drunken and heavily slurred? If so then how could you hear him that well from the tent? Were they talking in an almost normal pitch? I know people tend to talk loudly when they're drunk, was it excessive enough to be drunk past blackout? Does he black out often when drinking?

[Oberfeldwebel]

Life is about choices. You are choosing to keep this a secret to protect your interests, that you feel will be compromised, that comes at a cost. If you reveal the kiss, it makes your behavior understandable, but has it's risks as well. If you believe your husband to truly be an alcoholic, then he needs to get in AA and work on his issues. This is a big long term issue.

 

I wouldn't put revelation off the table, depending on how well you know this other fellow and is there a way to get him to see it for what it is with out him exploding and doing something rash. If you can get him to understand it for what it is, then keeping the families separated won't be an issue. I don't believe they don't remember the events, they are lying to hide their shame. If they were scheming to hide the events, they were sober enough to remember.

 

As for the mind movies, they take time to get over. I don't know these people, but you are in the drivers seat. You do hold power over her and I highly doubt she wants you to reveal her dirty little secret. Just because she text you, doesn't mean you have to read it immediately and respond, in fact I wouldn't for awhile. If there is no question, just a statement, there doesn't need to be a response ever.

 

Some people get over these quite quickly, while other chew on them forever. There is no right or wrong for your feelings, they are what they are, just don't let them rule your life. Physical exercise is good to relieve stress and makes for a healthier you. Forgiveness is your gift to keep or impart, use it wisely.

[Scott Thomas]

I think it's very likely that they did more than just kiss. You don't want to believe this because doing so would lead to a new, albeit more devastating, problem.

 

There's a simple solution: polygraph.

I think he's lying about the not remembering apart, using alcohol as an excuse. No problem, a poly might help him recall everything.

 

As for the other husband, financial concerns take a back seat when it comes to other men getting intimate with your wife. You might not like this but he does have the right to know; this will allow you two to monitor your spouses' actions effectively.

 

Good Luck!

[gettingstronger]

Cut her out of your life as quickly and painlessly as possible-each day push her a bit further and further away-she is toxic and frankly is a sucky person-

 

I agree with the others-more may have happened but thats not totally the point- the kiss is enough for you because it shows that your husband is willing to "go there" with someone else-

 

The positive is that he is going to work on his drinking-that is huge no matter what the future holds for the both of you!

 

Don't let anyone tell you how you feel, if it upsets you it does and you should be heard-

 

Good luck and I am sorry you are in this position-

[Running Man]

"Its going to be awkward tomorrow"

"What are we going to tell them? We need to get our stories straight".

"I'm not so trashy that I would go f**k in a bush".

 

This sounds like two adults WELL AWARE OF THERE ACTIONS. He remembers and will use being drunk as an excuse because YOU ALLOW THEM TOO. I bet you they'll remember enough to keep there stories straight. If you play the fool then expect to be treated as a fool.

[mack25]

I went through a 'just a kiss' scenario almost a year ago. You can read my post for the story. Fortunately for both of us, neither of us know the guy and have never seen him again. I will give you what has help me and us move forward.

 

First, you are going to hear a bunch from all the WS on this site about polygraphs, there must have been more, there must be an ongoing affair. I heard the same thing. I feel comfortable knowing nothing else happened that night or in the past. You have to trust your gut and how well you can read your partner. So don't get overly involved in all the negative comments. Sometimes, it is just a kiss and nothing else happens. That being said, neither you nor me will ever know what may have happened without intervention. This thought still bothers me to this day but I guess we should be happy it stopped at just a kiss.

 

Second, I had the same horrible images. All I can say is that time decreased the hurt.

 

You both should get into MC. It might have all been from alcohol, but usually there are other issues that need to be addressed. MC can help that. Much of our marriage is much better than before. It just sucks that she had to cheat in order to get to that place.

 

Last, and I'm aware many will not agree with this. I struggled for many months. I know it was just a kiss but it still hurt. I was in a situation and ended up kissing another women. It was just a kiss as well and nothing else happened nor had it before. This was the only thing that finally got me over it. Knowing that is was just a simple mistake that we both had, got me over the hump. I was not for revenge but more for understanding. You have to realize that we as humans are not meant to be with one partner for life and it is hard. Most do very well, but all it takes is alcohol and the right situation for a slip up. Lucky for you and your H, it was a mild slip up. I do think a slip up like this is much different than an ongoing affair. Give it some time, get in MC, lose the 'friend'. And if you can't get over it after months, I would allow yourself a slip up just like he did. Then reset the marriage and start to move forward. Good luck

[Jonah]

each and every time your h puts his lips to a bottle he is cheating on you. Lose the alcohol and lose... So many problems. You think he's bad now just wait a few years. he continues to imbibe and It gets worse. you both clean up and everything might just be ok. continue to allow stupid drunk and the wheels WILL fall off.

[road]

I went through a 'just a kiss' scenario almost a year ago. You can read my post for the story. Fortunately for both of us, neither of us know the guy and have never seen him again. I will give you what has help me and us move forward.

 

First, you are going to hear a bunch from all the WS on this site about polygraphs, there must have been more, there must be an ongoing affair. I heard the same thing. I feel comfortable knowing nothing else happened that night or in the past. You have to trust your gut and how well you can read your partner. So don't get overly involved in all the negative comments. Sometimes, it is just a kiss and nothing else happens. That being said, neither you nor me will ever know what may have happened without intervention. This thought still bothers me to this day but I guess we should be happy it stopped at just a kiss.

 

Second, I had the same horrible images. All I can say is that time decreased the hurt.

 

You both should get into MC. It might have all been from alcohol, but usually there are other issues that need to be addressed. MC can help that. Much of our marriage is much better than before. It just sucks that she had to cheat in order to get to that place.

 

Last, and I'm aware many will not agree with this. I struggled for many months. I know it was just a kiss but it still hurt. I was in a situation and ended up kissing another women. It was just a kiss as well and nothing else happened nor had it before. This was the only thing that finally got me over it. Knowing that is was just a simple mistake that we both had, got me over the hump. I was not for revenge but more for understanding. You have to realize that we as humans are not meant to be with one partner for life and it is hard. Most do very well, but all it takes is alcohol and the right situation for a slip up. Lucky for you and your H, it was a mild slip up. I do think a slip up like this is much different than an ongoing affair. Give it some time, get in MC, lose the 'friend'. And if you can't get over it after months, I would allow yourself a slip up just like he did. Then reset the marriage and start to move forward. Good luck

 

 

 

How do you know it was just a kiss?

[mack25]

How do you know it was just a kiss?

 

Because as I walked in they stopped. All clothes on and only in the back for a few minutes. So nothing else happened. Just like nothing else happened with her WS

[BHsigh]

I went through a 'just a kiss' scenario almost a year ago. You can read my post for the story. Fortunately for both of us, neither of us know the guy and have never seen him again. I will give you what has help me and us move forward.

 

First, you are going to hear a bunch from all the WS on this site about polygraphs, there must have been more, there must be an ongoing affair. I heard the same thing. I feel comfortable knowing nothing else happened that night or in the past. You have to trust your gut and how well you can read your partner. So don't get overly involved in all the negative comments. Sometimes, it is just a kiss and nothing else happens. That being said, neither you nor me will ever know what may have happened without intervention. This thought still bothers me to this day but I guess we should be happy it stopped at just a kiss.

 

Second, I had the same horrible images. All I can say is that time decreased the hurt.

 

You both should get into MC. It might have all been from alcohol, but usually there are other issues that need to be addressed. MC can help that. Much of our marriage is much better than before. It just sucks that she had to cheat in order to get to that place.

 

Last, and I'm aware many will not agree with this. I struggled for many months. I know it was just a kiss but it still hurt. I was in a situation and ended up kissing another women. It was just a kiss as well and nothing else happened nor had it before. This was the only thing that finally got me over it. Knowing that is was just a simple mistake that we both had, got me over the hump. I was not for revenge but more for understanding. You have to realize that we as humans are not meant to be with one partner for life and it is hard. Most do very well, but all it takes is alcohol and the right situation for a slip up. Lucky for you and your H, it was a mild slip up. I do think a slip up like this is much different than an ongoing affair. Give it some time, get in MC, lose the 'friend'. And if you can't get over it after months, I would allow yourself a slip up just like he did. Then reset the marriage and start to move forward. Good luck

 

Well, I respect your opinion, but I highly disagree that humans aren't meant to be with one partner for life. I would say that it's civilization, not nature that makes commited relationships difficult.

 

Secondly, in your situation, neither of you knew the OM, in OP's situation they've known the OM for sometime, and they live right next door to each other.

 

Horrible advice about suggesting for her to have a "slip up", as you call it. That will do nothing but make it worse the majority of the time.

[BHsigh]

I went through a 'just a kiss' scenario almost a year ago. You can read my post for the story. Fortunately for both of us, neither of us know the guy and have never seen him again. I will give you what has help me and us move forward.

 

First, you are going to hear a bunch from all the WS on this site about polygraphs, there must have been more, there must be an ongoing affair. I heard the same thing. I feel comfortable knowing nothing else happened that night or in the past. You have to trust your gut and how well you can read your partner. So don't get overly involved in all the negative comments. Sometimes, it is just a kiss and nothing else happens. That being said, neither you nor me will ever know what may have happened without intervention. This thought still bothers me to this day but I guess we should be happy it stopped at just a kiss.

 

Second, I had the same horrible images. All I can say is that time decreased the hurt.

 

You both should get into MC. It might have all been from alcohol, but usually there are other issues that need to be addressed. MC can help that. Much of our marriage is much better than before. It just sucks that she had to cheat in order to get to that place.

 

Last, and I'm aware many will not agree with this. I struggled for many months. I know it was just a kiss but it still hurt. I was in a situation and ended up kissing another women. It was just a kiss as well and nothing else happened nor had it before. This was the only thing that finally got me over it. Knowing that is was just a simple mistake that we both had, got me over the hump. I was not for revenge but more for understanding. You have to realize that we as humans are not meant to be with one partner for life and it is hard. Most do very well, but all it takes is alcohol and the right situation for a slip up. Lucky for you and your H, it was a mild slip up. I do think a slip up like this is much different than an ongoing affair. Give it some time, get in MC, lose the 'friend'. And if you can't get over it after months, I would allow yourself a slip up just like he did. Then reset the marriage and start to move forward. Good luck

 

Oh, and by any chance, does your wife know that you kissed another woman?

[mack25]

Oh, and by any chance, does your wife know that you kissed another woman?

 

Nope. I decided not to tell her. This was my way for me to move forward, had nothing to do with. I know most will disagree but it worked for me. Now, we both had drunk slip ups and time to move forward

[katielee]

So Mack, you're manipulating your wife to stay married to you. Do you really want to be that guy who has to trick someone into staying in a relationship? What about giving her a choice? What about your own integrity?

You're not saving her pain, you're making a decision for her. Do you value her at all??

[BHsigh]

Nope. I decided not to tell her. This was my way for me to move forward, had nothing to do with. I know most will disagree but it worked for me. Now, we both had drunk slip ups and time to move forward

 

It was your way to move forward and had nothing to do with your wife, and yet you still consider it a drunken slip up on your part? So now you're one up on your wife and can feel better about yourself since you're now "on the top"? Ok then, whatever gets you to sleep at night.

 

OP, for most people the advice given to get revenge will only make you feel worse, your husband needs to bring himself up to a decent level of respectability, lowering yourself to the low level that he was at will not solve your problem.

 

Quitting drinking is a very good start, and a must.

[Natasha.bedding]

I know exactly how you feel as I was in almost the same situation on New Year's Eve. I had come back to the room at 12 and my husband came at 4 am and immediately broke down saying he had kissed my friend who had come on to him.

Honestly, I know him more than anyone else in the world does so I knew it was the alcohol because sober he can't even stand that friend of mine. Keeps asking me to keep away from her all the time because she's vicious and he has mentioned to me a few times in the past that she keeps staring at him all the time. Honestly, I feel like I shouldn't have left him alone with her. She's single and wanted to drink more. I wanted to go back to the room. He was wasted when I left so I know how drunk he would be to do this.

It will hurt and you have to just let it go. I cried everyday for 2 months and now I don't even remember it.

Your husband sounds like a nice guy. You have an open email account, bank account everything. And people don't necessarily cheat all the time. Alcohol tends to make people crazy sometimes and it doesn't mean that they wanted to do this all along. Maybe they would have done it had you not intervened. But they didn't. Hypotheticals will only make you more upset.

Eventually, you'll stop thinking about it. It may sound impossible but you will. And honestly, don't start thinking that your husband will cheat again and start being super vigilant and all. That'll just make you crazy. Be who you were. He made a mistake. Everyone does. Coming from someone who drinks every weekend and has done very stupid stuff and been sorry in the morning a lot of time, you should know I mean it.

I'm not saying alcohol is an excuse. I'm saying that alcohol can make you do things you don't intend to.

But yes. I would suggest you immediately break up with this friend. Such girlfriends are nothing but a menace. Honestly. If you can't trust your own friend, you shouldn't bother with such friends at all. And you need to pick a side. You really do. I blocked my friend's number and completely threw her out of my life. We were inseparable. But now she's just the bitch who came on to my husband when he couldn't stand up and she was almost sober.

I'm not denying that my husband was equally at fault. But I know him. I know he didn't mean it. And I know everyone makes mistakes. So I picked my side. You need to pick yours.

[Natasha.bedding]

A few other things too. If your husband had to cheat, he wouldn't do it with you and your kids around. That's incredibly stupid. So that should tell you that he didn't do it in purpose.

Also, take the suicide threats seriously. My better half couldn't even stand himself after what he did. Cried for weeks. Was very suicidal initially. He's always been a man of honour so this was a huge blow to him and his character in his eyes more than anyone else. Please don't think your husband wouldn't do it. If someday he gets too drunk he might just do it.

If you decide to get past this, please don't talk about it again and again. It will only make your husband feel terrible. If you want to forgive him, do it completely. Don't do it half heartedly. Guilt is a terrible thing. He doesn't need more of it.

I'm sorry I'm taking your husband's side but someone had to. When this happened with me, I only spoke to one person about it and that too because I needed to. Talking to more people is just going to make you feel worse. You know him. You're the one who should be doing what you feel is right. No one else has the right to judge you or your husband.

[jnel921]

It's amazing how you hid and was listening for so long without doing anything. I know I would have grabbed the biggest tree branch around, run straight for them and swung it at both parties involved in the middle of their kiss!

 

That would have sobered them up!

[atreides]

It's amazing how you hid and was listening for so long without doing anything. I know I would have grabbed the biggest tree branch around, run straight for them and swung it at both parties involved in the middle of their kiss!

 

That would have sobered them up!

 

ha, i hear that.

 

my only issue is with this alcohol deal, to me it's not an excuse, reason, contributing factor and etc.. so many of us can be drunk and not even think about kissing or being with another. It just baffles me is all.