JustTooWorried Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Hi, I think I'm looking for some advise (or maybe just vindication). I've been with my partner for over 10 years . We bought a home together just over a year ago but now I'm regretting this as I want to break up with her. Our relationship over the years has not had many problems, very few arguments and has continued steadily. However, after the honeymoon period ended I realised that we don't share any common interests and we have different views on life in general. As the relationship has continued , these things have only become more apparent. We can't have a genuine discussion about anything anymore because I become agitated by her views and if I press her on them she breaks down in tears (which makes me feel massively guilty). We also have a virtually non existent sex life (we have had sex only 3 times in over a year), and I don't feel attracted to her anymore. All of this written down kind of says to me that the relationship is over, but I truely have no idea on how to end the relationship, or even if I should. Any advise would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Think u should just send her what u have written here x u have to do this as hard as it is... just be kind but straight forward... dedicate a whole day to answering any questions she has (this will help her move on) and then walk away for her sake x Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 You've been together for 10 years but realized after the honeymoon period? How long was your honeymoon period? 9.5 years? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustTooWorried Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 After the honeymoon period, things were apparent but I never ended the relationship. So maybe after the first couple of years, but I was still interested in the relationship despite our issues. Now all there seems to be is issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Never Again Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 (edited) Just tell her it's not working. Don't toss out excuses or explanations. Lack of common interests and views are a GOOD thing, so I'd wager that your problem lies in incompatible/crappy communication methods. It's got nothing to do with what your views are, and everything to do with an inability to accept each others opinions and have a genuine discussion. This probably leaks into other parts of your relationship - it probably would HAVE to for the lack of sex to not be addressed. Issues will only fester and get worse if you don't address them, but that's not really the issue at hand. My point is, you don't need a reason to want to break up...and reasons are pointless anyway. When a dumper says "we're not working because of X", a dumpee HEARS "if we fix X, we'll work". The main reason you need to leave is that you're not happy and you don't see that changing. Edited February 26, 2014 by Pfenixphire 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 You have a problem communicating. Are you gonna throw it all away because you can't communicate about your problems? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 If you are going to break up, break up. However, before you have that conversation, make sure you have enough money to buy out her share of the house or can get the mortgage all on your own. If you can't, you are going to have sell. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 I don't know OP - I can't help but be angry that you've chugged around in this relationship for 10 years when you knew after 2 that you weren't all that happy....and even more so did NOTHING about it. True, I have no idea what your SO feels and for all we know she could be just as unhappy. All you can do is be truthful, kind and stop wasting her time......like yesterday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustTooWorried Posted June 2, 2014 Author Share Posted June 2, 2014 So an update. I took me months to get the courage up to finally tell my other half that I don't want to be with her and I don't love her anymore. As I maybe should have expected, she didn't want things to end and told me we had both spent too much time invested in the relationship to just end things there and then. My mind hasn't changed, if anything, I'm even more determined that things should end, but I agreed that I would go and see a councillor to see if there's anything we can do to fix it. Now I've agreed to this (we haven't been yet, it's booked for next week) it's as if me telling her I didn't love her anymore didn't even happen in her eyes. Should I be taking a harder line with her before we see the councillor? I feel like I'm back to pretending things are ok and they're not. But if I keep having to tell her I don't love her anymore I'll just be causing her more and more pain. Link to post Share on other sites
stillfiguringitallou Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 If you don't love her anymore - Why did you agree to go to the counselor? Seems to me you have real issues with confrontation and the consequences of it. I.E. hurting someones feelings, anger, dealing with the anger and pain that comes from this. Link to post Share on other sites
Never Again Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 So an update. I took me months to get the courage up to finally tell my other half that I don't want to be with her and I don't love her anymore. As I maybe should have expected, she didn't want things to end and told me we had both spent too much time invested in the relationship to just end things there and then. My mind hasn't changed, if anything, I'm even more determined that things should end, but I agreed that I would go and see a councillor to see if there's anything we can do to fix it. Now I've agreed to this (we haven't been yet, it's booked for next week) it's as if me telling her I didn't love her anymore didn't even happen in her eyes. Should I be taking a harder line with her before we see the councillor? I feel like I'm back to pretending things are ok and they're not. But if I keep having to tell her I don't love her anymore I'll just be causing her more and more pain. I want to smash my face into the keyboard furiously. I don't intend to be cruel, but what you've done to yourself and this woman is horrifying. Your love faded because you failed to communicate about your unhappiness when it mattered. The reason your relationship failed and your love faded isn't because it just happened...it wasn't a passive processes. If you ever really loved her, then that wasn't something that just went away. You CHOSE to fall out of love with her by allowing your misery to fester. YOU were passive, allowed yourself to remain unhappy and trapped, pretended things were okay and continued to sulk and grow resentful. YOU allowed negative emotions to build up between you and her until you no longer felt anything, and YOU dragged this relationship out to the point where there's probably no chance of fixing it. While the best relationships should be filled with happiness and support (most of the time, anyways) they also suffer through lulls, depression, great conflict and compromise. They do NOT feel good all the time, and many will go through days/weeks/months where things just don't feel good at all. But they sort things out and reconnect because they suffer through HONESTY. You're set so firmly in your decision because you dragged your feet for nearly a decade to make it. You allowed your feelings to become dulled by discontent and didn't have the courage to act on it when it mattered. Even after you came on here and admitted it online, it still took you MONTHS to gather up the nerve to do something about it. You absolutely need counseling. I can't tell you if it'll help your relationship, but you desperately need it as a human being. Something deep inside you is broken. You're afraid of being yourself, being honest and voicing your needs/concerns. You wasted years of your life and hers. After all I've been through, I still firmly believe that most relationships can be maintained/salvaged through openness, communication and maturity...but you've lacked those for years. Unless you get some help, and soon, I doubt you'll ever have a healthy relationship. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
FredJones80 Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 I don't intend to be cruel, but what you've done to yourself and this woman is horrifying. Couldn't agree more with your whole statement Pfenixphire. You have an amazing view on LTRs and one I fully agree with. Unfortunately for many the quick fix is to up, leave and repeat the process in a new relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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