Poppyolive Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I think alot of people taking his side, are in, going through or recently felt the pain of your ex boyfriend. You could learn from that as it helps you take responsibility for the hurt you caused Him whether you needed to do it or not. Take it as a lesson to see/understand the other side. I work hard in trying to be mindful of all sides so I'm not only going to take his side even though I recently and still have a hard time processing being dumped. I'm sorry it hurts you, and I can't imagine how difficult it is for you, I'm sure you cared very much for him. You need to accept your decision, acknowledge the suffering brought to him and the pain its brought you. Take some lessons forth to your next partner. You need to process it and forgive yourself. I would leave him to heal. Maybe send a letter expressing you feel hurt but in no way lead him on. You should probably stop asking about him. You will be OK, he will be OK. There is always sunshine after darkness for both of you. This has freed you both up to in time partner up with pure love. Try to understand that most of the other responses are reactions from dumpess, they can help you too. Just like your post has helped me. This too shall pass
iDrumKing Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 On this site, people are likely to jump on the dumper as they themselves are dumpees. Perhaps it would behoove you to post your story so they stop seeing it as so comparable to theirs. Everyone, you should be more aware of your judgments and try to have empathy. For all you know, the guy was abusive to her. Nah. If you read her post she left her boyfriend because she felt that she could do better. He moved on with NC like a champ and was happy again. She had trouble and wanted him back, which is selfish. Don't mean to sound like a jerk, but it is what it is.
Never Again Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Why is everyone taking his side on this. I had to do it because I wasn't happy, the fact that I hurt him doesn't necessarily make me feel better, but it's something that had to be done Well, first off, this site is mostly populated by dumpees. We tend to stick together. Also, while you weren't happy and dumping someone isn't always fun, it's easier than being dumped - you knew you were leaving and you knew why, so you had the power. Also, most of us have read your other thread. You did nothing to try and solve your unhappiness. You allowed yourself to be unhappy, you never addressed it because you wanted to keep the peace, and you let it get to the point where it "had to be done". Frankly, everyone is taking his side because you ran away from your problems until you couldn't take them anymore, and then you broke it off and continued to run. You only turned around because you saw that he was into someone else, and now you're trying to justify your inability to communicate or put work into a relationship. I'm not judging you. Not really. We all make choices that hurt us or that we regret and/or feel guilty about down the line...but you made this choice. There was no "have to be done" about it, so don't hide behind that excuse. You didn't want to do what it would've taken to maintain the relationship when it mattered, so when push came to shove, you wanted to leave. This has all been about what you wanted in the moment. It's all been impulsive. That being said, you move forward from this by accepting that the choices we think are the best for us, aren't always so great. You accept that you didn't do what you could've when you should've, and try harder next time. You learn to communicate because it's a skill you need in relationships. Lastly, you accept that everyone, at one point in their lives, has broken someone's heart. You're not alone there, but the next time you do, be better about it. 2
Strength in Healing Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Also, most of us have read your other thread. You did nothing to try and solve your unhappiness. You allowed yourself to be unhappy, you never addressed it because you wanted to keep the peace, and you let it get to the point where it "had to be done". Frankly, everyone is taking his side because you ran away from your problems until you couldn't take them anymore, and then you broke it off and continued to run. You only turned around because you saw that he was into someone else, and now you're trying to justify your inability to communicate or put work into a relationship. Ah, I didn't know this. Sorry for my earlier post.
Mr.Pine Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Why is everyone taking his side on this. I had to do it because I wasn't happy, the fact that I hurt him doesn't necessarily make me feel better, but it's something that had to be done We're taking his side because of your last, utterly ridiculous line in your original message: How do I move on from knowing that? You dumped him. You've ALREADY moved on. How dare you come here and ask how to move on when your ex is going through absolute turmoil, much like the rest of us dumpees on this site. It takes a real narcissistic d-bag to ask how to move on from devastating another person. Here at LS, much focus is placed on the ones that were pained or wronged or dumped. You want to know how to move on? You leave your ex alone, let him mourn the loss of the relationship and you go quietly in the night knowing you broke a man with your choice to leave the relationship. He's mourning, now you mourn. But not on this site. You're leaving a skid mark and I am toilet brushing you away. Frankly, I am going NC on you. I'm done with this thread. 1
InnocentMan Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Some bitter bro's in this thread. If you can't offer any meaningful advice, probably best just to say nothing. Flaming a stranger wont make your own situation any better. 2
organizedchaos Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 whatever.... Somehow, this one simple flippant remark tells me everything I need to know about you and your relationship and how you handled conflict with your ex. It's also why you'll get no sympathy here. 2
iDrumKing Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 whatever.... Gosh I wish we could get your original thread pinned. Every new dumpee could come here and read about how your ex BF got dumped by you and is now doing a lot better because of NC. 1
Never Again Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I don't think it needs to go so far as to shame her away from the site. SunshineOnMe, you're grieving over this relationship, perhaps for the first time. However, you need to accept complete responsibility for your actions. I'm not saying you need to publicly acknowledge them here, but you need to stop pushing them away. Many dumpers do this - instead of acknowledging the real problems, they hide behind justifications and excuses. Dumping someone isn't easy, and creating a barrier of "reasons" can help make leaving the relationship seem like a "necessary evil". As often as not, leaving the relationships is the right thing to do, but hiding behind excuses means that you're not using this part relationship to learn and grow. Take it for what it is. You chose to leave. Maybe it was the right thing, maybe it wasn't. But attraction, love and interest are not things that maintain themselves...and every relationship faces "distancing waves" or rifts where the connection wanes and interest fades. True love and relationships are not defined by how you handle the times when you're happy and in love, but how you handle yourself when things are difficult and you're not quite "feelin' it". In other words, accept that you left because you wanted to. No other reason. You could've worked on it, but you chose not to. If you feel bad, learn to forgive yourself. Learn what you can, and trudge forward. 2
sooshi Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 SunshineOnMe, I don't think we're seeking to "take his side." We read your story and we respond with however our perceptions and thought processes take us. You say you weren't happy in the relationship, so you ended it. You break up with him, and later hear that he once thought you as the most important thing in his life. It feels good to be that important to someone. Would you want him to continue to feel that way about you, and hurt even more because you chose to end the relationship with him? As someone who cares about him, you wouldn't. If you care about him, you wouldn't want him to perceive you that way anymore. Because doing so would just cause him greater pain. My ex-fiance was the most important person to me. And then he left. He was still the most important person to me. But that hurt even more, because he distanced himself and I had to learn to lessen his importance to me. After a while, he cut me out of his life. I still felt he was really important, but that hurt me even more, way more. I had to make myself become more important. To protect myself. Now, he's not as important to me as he once was. I still care for him and will always care, but to continue to see him as the most important person when he doesn't even talk to me anymore? That does no good for me at all. So, if you truly care about your ex, allow him to no longer see you as important as he once did. Because it'll just hold him back some more. You've moved on. Allow him to do the same. 1
STM206 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I'm sorry you're having a rough time, however YOU made the decision to break up with him - and even did it over the phone which has to be even more painful than face to face. I think you need to take time and think about what it is you want. He is doing what he has to in order to love forward with his life. You cut him out... He's doing what he has to do, try and move forward. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Out of respect for him, considering he was dumped... Give him his space. After you've had time to sit and think about what it is you really want, then that's a choice you'll have to make. For the sake of his feelings as well as just having the decency as a human being. Please don't feed him breadcrumbs for your own ego. It's hard for us who have been dumped, to have heartfelt sympathy for those who did the dumping and then want to change their minds once a dumpee has started to move forward. It was your choice to leave... Now he has to make choices for himself... He isn't waiting around anymore.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 People are siding with him because of your entitled attitude. You broke up with him, these are the consequences of such actions. That's part of being an adult. Instead of whining and looking for sympathy, use this as a learning tool so you communicate better with your next guy.
KaliLove Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I'll give you the benefit of the doubt sunshine. You are VERY young and people your age tend to be arrogant and entitled and to not understand that their actions could have far reaching consequences. Leave him alone and move on, just like you wanted, and LET HIM DO THE SAME. You owe him that. Let it go. You hurt him, he deserves a chance to heal.
lolablue17 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 (edited) I'm not on his side, i'm on your side because you created this thread. so I'll explain the situation for you. You wrote that she was always against you and he was defending you. After you broke up with him the wrong way you did, he understood she was right all the time about you. So he took her back. now he is with her, because you pushed him to her arms. If i was her, I would be sending you flowers. Very simple. And seriously - You sound young, energetic and you probably need high drama in your life. Probably he can't provide you that. Maybe a dude which will cheat on you, ignore you, treat you like ****, he's the right one for you. Edited March 29, 2014 by lolablue17
Author SunshineOnMe Posted March 29, 2014 Author Posted March 29, 2014 And seriously - You sound young, energetic and you probably need high drama in your life. Probably he can't provide you that. Maybe a dude which will cheat on you, ignore you, treat you like ****, he's the right one for you. Why would you say that?
lolablue17 Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Why would you say that? Well. its only my personal superficial opinion while reading your comments. I think you're motivated by thrills and drama, at least on that period of your life. You want your ex back not because you realy want him but because you want to control him not to be with his bitchy ex. You compare all the time, and you judge romantic and social situations through adrenalin glasses. You get bored fast. you're a conqueror, you need challenges. you will not settle for a nice guy no matter how much he loves you. you're restless, you search for higher mountains. It's a good and attractive quality of yours, but the problem is you have a difficulty to identify the big picture for the long term. So you jump from one decision to another, adjusting while on the go. You need a strong man with a big ego who will fit your level. That's why.
SCJACK Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 Why would you say that? What lola is saying is that you basically overlook the guy's true heart and only find excitement in other guys who give you more thrill, even if they have bad personalities/hearts which you can't see anyways based off the co-worker you are hanging out with. Drama and excitement is what you like, usually the bad guy heart provides that.. when will people realize that you need to look for the person's heart and who they really are as a person, even if it's not exciting it can always be changed. But if you find excitement off jerks and *******s... that's not a very good foundation to have. And to answer your question about why doesn't the 2 years matter to him anymore like nothing happened.. well it did. Clearly it didn't matter to YOU and why should you care? You threw him away. How can you ask that question when you were the one who left him? 1
bluegreen Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 You are 20 years old. Your pride and ego was hurt cause come on admit it u wanted him to pin for you. Now as for him whatever she did to him said to him or done he is well aware of and will suffer more or same or won't perhaps. As everybody said why do you care ?
Author SunshineOnMe Posted March 30, 2014 Author Posted March 30, 2014 The only thing that I can think is that he's been lying.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 The only thing that I can think is that he's been lying. What on earth are you talking about?
Author SunshineOnMe Posted March 30, 2014 Author Posted March 30, 2014 What on earth are you talking about? What I mean is when he was defending me from his ex's remarks about me, I doubt he really was concerned about me. I mean he went back to her. How do you go back to something you once fought?
Simon Phoenix Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 What I mean is when he was defending me from his ex's remarks about me, I doubt he really was concerned about me. I mean he went back to her. How do you go back to something you once fought? Who cares? You set him free, he can do what he wants. 2
iDrumKing Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 how do you go back to something you once fought? how do you leave something you once loved?
sooshi Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 I really feel like you really only care because he's with someone else and you want what you don't have. I don't think that if he were still single, that you'd be feeling this way at all. It's courageous of you to admit that you've been extremely jealous. I'm glad you can own up to that. But if you truly, truly care about him, let him be. Let him live. I don't think he went back with his other ex to hurt you. Maybe the timing just wasn't right the first time around when they were together. Things change, and life happens. Maybe they're just a better match now than they were in the past. I know it's hard, but try to not make this all about yourself. You're making yourself the victim and it's only hurting you. The co-worker you like is not someone that the best version of you would want to be with; you've shown us that in how he responded to you during ONE date. That's enough proof. You may be attracted to him now, but it's going to end up badly if things with him don't end soon. You need to focus on yourself, on loving yourself. You need to be on your own. You need to work through your issues with jealousy and sense of self-worth. You need to work on your self-esteem. That's a lot of work, but it's so worth it. Not just for your next partner, but for yourself and everyone in your life. 3
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