isisisweeping Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 A guy I have been friends with for a few years and I have started "dating." He is an amazing guy: smart, kind, funny, sweet, cute. However, he is career military. He's been in my state for the whole time I've known him and he re-enlisted for stabilization which keeps him here for a year at least. But, I know the US government owns him and could move him at a whim - not for deployment with an end date, but permanently. My problem is that I'm a parent. A mom who thinks it would be morally reprehensible to move my child away from the dad. (If not legally. That would depend on factors, ie, if I was married.) I know this guy quite well and know very well that if I let myself I would fall for him hard. He has met my child since we have been friends long before romantic entanglement. With the dating vs friendship, because kids are perceptive, I worry about attachment. When I've brought it up to him, he sort of shrugs and says that we'll figure it out together no matter what happens and points out that I've done long distance in the past for a guy who didn't treat me as well (although that was after several years dating living close and was only to be temporary - a year- not indefinite.-- and that guy had free flights due to his job and could travel easily) He says there is no guarantee they'll move him, or that if they do it will be further. Am I worrying too much about the future which is indefinite anyways (most relationships don't work out anyways for over a year; I think.. though mine have tended to be several)? Or is that sinking feeling right- it would be irresponsible to even start down this path regardless of feelings because I have more important considerations?
Gaeta Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Depends on many factors, how old is your child? and how far is the boyfriend supposed to be relocated? I am an ex military wife and I have seen couples make it work. It's all based on how much you are committed on making it work. Depending on the distance some people chose 1 year with mom, 1 year with dad, if the distance is more manageable then you drive the child back and forth each weekend, vacations and holidays. If this is not a type of life you want to get into, under no circumstances then do not pursue this relationship.
Author isisisweeping Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 Depends on many factors, how old is your child? and how far is the boyfriend supposed to be relocated? I am an ex military wife and I have seen couples make it work. It's all based on how much you are committed on making it work. Depending on the distance some people chose 1 year with mom, 1 year with dad, if the distance is more manageable then you drive the child back and forth each weekend, vacations and holidays. If this is not a type of life you want to get into, under no circumstances then do not pursue this relationship. He has no current plans to be relocated. He's stabilized here for the next year. It's just I know very well it's a possibility. I have full custody. The dad would not want custody, and I'm sure I could not spend that time away. Nothing means more to me than my child. The child is only 6. There's many years until I'd be free to move. It's all hypothetical, but I can't help considering it. I feel it's my responsibility. And things do tend to turn long term for me. Maybe overthinking, maybe being reasonable...
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I am a father with full custody and it has been my decision to NOT even introduce my children to the women I date. And I certainly would not entertain the notion of moving them away from their mother. Is the father active in your child's life? When a father isn't active in a child's life they feel abandoned by the father. Each man you introduce them to that doesn't work out is also seen to be abandoning them. I have friends who have run SO's in and out of their children's lives and it results in some pretty serious emotional problems. 1
mammasita Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I can totally relate OP. I'm not originally from the East Coast. When my sons father and I split, I stayed here with nothing - no family - because I wanted my son to be near his father. There was no question in my mind about that. I was out of the military, sons father was still in. I was in a "relationship" (lol) where moving was a possibility - the guy was in the Air Force. I could have gone overseas. I don't know if I could have done it. My son was about 6 or 7 at the time and typing this out I can just feel the guilt brewing over any decision I would have made.
Author isisisweeping Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 I am a father with full custody and it has been my decision to NOT even introduce my children to the women I date. And I certainly would not entertain the notion of moving them away from their mother. Is the father active in your child's life? When a father isn't active in a child's life they feel abandoned by the father. Each man you introduce them to that doesn't work out is also seen to be abandoning them. I have friends who have run SO's in and out of their children's lives and it results in some pretty serious emotional problems. My child met him as we've been friends for years with no idea of dating. Hasn't seen him lately since the dating. The dad is active. He is not a horrible human being. I don't date and certainly don't marry horrible human beings. I'm not sure what this point was, if you please.
Author isisisweeping Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 (edited) I can totally relate OP. I'm not originally from the East Coast. When my sons father and I split, I stayed here with nothing - no family - because I wanted my son to be near his father. There was no question in my mind about that. I was out of the military, sons father was still in. I was in a "relationship" (lol) where moving was a possibility - the guy was in the Air Force. I could have gone overseas. I don't know if I could have done it. My son was about 6 or 7 at the time and typing this out I can just feel the guilt brewing over any decision I would have made. Did you worry about it at the outset of dating? Do you regret the time you did have? I'm thinking that my brain is absolutely in the right here. I shouldn't get involved in something with a definitive problem, regardless of how great the guy is. My life doesn't fully belong to me, and it shouldn't. Edited February 26, 2014 by isisisweeping
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 My child met him as we've been friends for years with no idea of dating. Hasn't seen him lately since the dating. The dad is active. He is not a horrible human being. I don't date and certainly don't marry horrible human beings. I'm not sure what this point was, if you please. I didn't mean to insinuate anything. I was simply speaking from my personal experience and asking a few questions. Believe it or not there are far too many fathers in this world that simply do not take responsibility as men to raise their children. If the father was simply not interested in being active in your child's life then moving down the line becomes more of an option. I agree with you 100% as parents our top priority should always be the future and welfare of our children. This doesn't mean you should not live a happy and healthy life. But it does mean you need to take extra care when making decisions that impact more then yourself. 2
Gaeta Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 He is stable for the next year, that is short term in my world. Time goes by fast and first thing you'll know he'll be posted somewhere across the country or oversea then you do what? spend months licking the wounds you could have avoided? When ex and I got married we were not suppose to be posted anywhere then 8 months later we were in another Province, and 1 year after that we were 2,000 miles away. You never know with the military. I think it's irresponsible of him to say 'we will see when we get there' when there is a young child involved. To me, this man wants the novelty of having you in his life for the next year without really caring he'll end up hurting you.
Iguanna Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I think you should declare to this man that you have no intention of moving out of your town cause you want your child to be close to its dad. That being said, if this man is a good person and you think it's worth dating him further, I think you should try it. Life is short and you deserve to have some fun and be happy. We never know what the future brings. Go for it and you will deal with any problem will occur when it occurs.
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