thefear Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Hi guys and fellow heartbroken ones. There's something going on with me that I just dont quite understand. My ex girlfriend dumped me, I loved her and it was an awful time (still is), I've never felt pain like this. That being said, for the last maybe 4 months of our relationship I wasn't very happy with her. We were together for 1.5 years and there were some problems that developed (fixable ones). If I wasn't that happy, WHY WHY after months and months am I still so sad she ended it? She's constantly on my mind. I begged, it failed. I am now in NC and have been for a considerable amount of time while living my life and trying to be happy. I know she wasn't perfect and neither was our relationship so WHY does my mind keep telling me she/it was?
StringsAttached Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Maybe you took her for granted like I did. Maybe you were the one who wanted to dump her...like I did. Maybe use this experience next time and dump her first so that if you are a prideful person that you're ego is not harmed. Seriously though nobody can answer this question but yourself. I went through a similar situation..., I wanted to break up with my mentally abusive ex for some time but didn't have the balls. But she did...and it wasn't until tonight that I realized that the reason it's taking so long for me to move on is because it's usually me who does the dumping, not the other way around. Kind of brought me back down to Earth. lol Perhaps you can relate if not right now then one day.
Author thefear Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 Maybe you took her for granted like I did. Maybe you were the one who wanted to dump her...like I did. Maybe use this experience next time and dump her first so that if you are a prideful person that you're ego is not harmed. Seriously though nobody can answer this question but yourself. I went through a similar situation..., I wanted to break up with my mentally abusive ex for some time but didn't have the balls. But she did...and it wasn't until tonight that I realized that the reason it's taking so long for me to move on is because it's usually me who does the dumping, not the other way around. Kind of brought me back down to Earth. lol Perhaps you can relate if not right now then one day. I'm glad you've found some peace. I did take her for granted. That much is definitely true. I guess a mixture of that and the fact that I know we could've been great together long term just eat away at me. I don't believe we each have a soul mate but I believe there's a limited number of people we can be truly happy with. She was one of mine and I don't know when/if I'll find the next. I guess if it's meant to be, she'll be back with me one day. Until then, I need to stop saying things like that because the hope and constant let downs and rejection are keeping me in this low place.
StringsAttached Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I'm glad you've found some peace. I did take her for granted. That much is definitely true. I guess a mixture of that and the fact that I know we could've been great together long term just eat away at me. I don't believe we each have a soul mate but I believe there's a limited number of people we can be truly happy with. She was one of mine and I don't know when/if I'll find the next. I guess if it's meant to be, she'll be back with me one day. Until then, I need to stop saying things like that because the hope and constant let downs and rejection are keeping me in this low place. You already know what you must do. I know the feels bro. Just don't dwell on what could have been. It's pointless and it hurts. Your breakup is pretty recent so there is literally nothing that will help you out right now besides focusing on yourself. Read up on the stages of grief after loss. You need to go through each one before starting to feel better. Once you're happy with yourself, women will come running to you. Trust me.
StGeorge22 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Sounds like we are in a pretty similar place. It's hard not to have hope but at the end of the day as you say it can keep you in a pretty low place, I know I certainly don't want to be in that place forever so giving up hope is the only thing that will change that. Easier said then done but!
Author thefear Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 You already know what you must do. I know the feels bro. Just don't dwell on what could have been. It's pointless and it hurts. Your breakup is pretty recent so there is literally nothing that will help you out right now besides focusing on yourself. Read up on the stages of grief after loss. You need to go through each one before starting to feel better. Once you're happy with yourself, women will come running to you. Trust me. Thanks man. I haven't grieved properly, I know that. All up and down but at a pretty constant bad level at the same time. If it's meant to be, it will be. I'll only find that out by letting life go on.
Author thefear Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 Sounds like we are in a pretty similar place. It's hard not to have hope but at the end of the day as you say it can keep you in a pretty low place, I know I certainly don't want to be in that place forever so giving up hope is the only thing that will change that. Easier said then done but! Having hope is, ironically, what kills any actual hope. That's a hard thing to get your head around and it's why people like me and you are struggling. Moving on can lead 2 ways, being happy and continuing with life, or a reconciliation. NONE of that will happen unless we LET GO. It's just such a challenge. 2
flightplan Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 My theory is you're in love with an idealized version of her... with the version of the woman you hoped she could become if you only kept trying. Chances are you're longing for the relationship that you wish it could be, and that you want to be in love with the person you wish she was. There are times when you break up with somebody and you start missing them and you start thinking about all the good things. And then you're back with them for about 10 minutes and you go 'Oh yeah! Now I remember why it didn't work out!'" Don't kid yourself about what it was really like or glorify the past. 3
Musing Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 flightplan is 100% correct. I was with someone for a year and in the beginning is was great, and he was a sweet guy but he was inexperienced and as a result he did things he shouldn't have done that hurt me and took me for granted. Like you, the last four months of our relationship I was miserable. I always thought about leaving but every time I tried I would think about the beginning of the RS and how magical it felt. Still do. It's all about perception. What I do is remember how crappy I felt at the end. So many friends, when I vent to them, tell me "You weren't happy for awhile anyway". We want what we can't have. If we were in control of the breakup I think we'd feel the comfort of knowing we could go back and try if we really wanted to. But since we are dumpees, we are pretty much cut totally. It hurts the heart and the ego. Just remember if she were to come back, the same issues would come up and you'd probably be unhappy again. It's like taking off a band aid - Better to feel utter misery for a few months than complacency, anxiousness, or sadness potentially for years. 1
Author thefear Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 flightplan is 100% correct. I was with someone for a year and in the beginning is was great, and he was a sweet guy but he was inexperienced and as a result he did things he shouldn't have done that hurt me and took me for granted. Like you, the last four months of our relationship I was miserable. I always thought about leaving but every time I tried I would think about the beginning of the RS and how magical it felt. Still do. It's all about perception. What I do is remember how crappy I felt at the end. So many friends, when I vent to them, tell me "You weren't happy for awhile anyway". We want what we can't have. If we were in control of the breakup I think we'd feel the comfort of knowing we could go back and try if we really wanted to. But since we are dumpees, we are pretty much cut totally. It hurts the heart and the ego. Just remember if she were to come back, the same issues would come up and you'd probably be unhappy again. It's like taking off a band aid - Better to feel utter misery for a few months than complacency, anxiousness, or sadness potentially for years. So did he end it with you? To be honest, the problems we had were fixable, I just needed to work on them. I was unhappy but never ever thought about ending it, I had a lot bottled up and I took her for granted, the feeling was definitely there on both sides, I just didn't show it and she, in turn, lost her feelings. Sad story of something that was once great and could've been great if I hadn't let past issues mess up the way I treated her.
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 This happened to me exactly x Im sure its the old "want what u cant have"... x Try and focus on the bad points of the relationship x
StGeorge22 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Thefear, can I ask what you plan is from here? Are you going to try dating, going to reach out to your ex again? Sounds like you have your head screwed on and are in charge of your emotions. Like to think I'm the same but must admit , some days it goes from being happy it's over to wanting to reach out pretty quickly. Keeping a strict NC but
Author thefear Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 Thefear, can I ask what you plan is from here? Are you going to try dating, going to reach out to your ex again? Sounds like you have your head screwed on and are in charge of your emotions. Like to think I'm the same but must admit , some days it goes from being happy it's over to wanting to reach out pretty quickly. Keeping a strict NC but I'm really not in charge of my emotions at the moment unfortunately, I wish I was, I try to be, I just can't be. I will NOT be reaching out to my ex, that won't do anything other than harm, she's pushed far far away already and all it would do is show me that she no longer loves me. I go up and down in days, I had a good spell recently but I'm right back to what feels like day 1. Keep strict no contact and try to let go of hope. That's what I'm doing and based on everyone I've asked and everything I've read, that's the best thing for people like us to do. We really don't have a choice. That kills me to type.
StGeorge22 Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Hope you can take some solice knowing in right there with you in the same spot you are.
Recommended Posts