Mommame2 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 So I had another thread going ..and I was really questioning some things. Here's my question -- I'm just getting back into dating after divorce. If a guy says he wants to date you...pursue your relationship and sleep with only you...in the first month ...but ALSO says he wants to go to events and get to know other people at the same time... is that normal? I am of the exclusive mindset... and he thinks "exclusive" is only for the sex but that won't mean it won't stop him from dating others at the same time...if he's invited somewhere. Maybe I'm too old school. Just trying to get clear on what the normal relationships are like...
Ruby Slippers Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 If a guy says he wants to date you...pursue your relationship and sleep with only you...in the first month ...but ALSO says he wants to go to events and get to know other people at the same time... is that normal? I've never experienced anything like that in many years of dating and relationships. If he still wants to meet other romantic prospects, he's clearly not that into you, and will bail if he meets someone he likes better. That would totally kill my interest. He gets points for honesty, though.
pyramid Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 It's normal for some people. I've done it. But you get to pick what feels right for you. There are plenty of people who will only date one person at a time and expect that of the person they are dating. However, you need to be clear about your expectations, because it's not assumed. 1
LostConfused123 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I'm just getting back into dating too. Sounds to me like he wants you to date only him and he be your only option while he pursues other options. Seems like he just did it in a sneaky way. This I'd only speculation on my part of course. I certainly wouldn't be comfortable with it. Best of luck!!!!
Author Mommame2 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 This is just so difficult because I'm new to the game and I really thought we had something special which he tells me ... We do. He says it's only because it's so early that he will continue to get to know others he's already met. But it won't take away from him pursuing us and/or him sleeping with only me. This is actually all result of my friend suggesting I consider him as a f buddy or possibly more ... She says I need to just get in the game. Problem is I have a conscience and a heart. When he says he likes me so much .. It's wonderful. But I'm clearly pathetic. I mean why does he want to hang out e others? Apparently I'm not enough for him ? He's. 6 months out of divorce from 20 year marriage ...he says the idea of committing to a girlfriend is like engagement and it scares him because it's so early.
Leigh 87 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I never thought I'd get to say this.... My boyfriend only had me on his mind from the moment he laid eyes on me. Where as my ex kissed a girl a week or so after we first started dating:sick: and he probably did more than that. It's no surprise that my current bf is always thrilled to see me and constantly shows through his actions that I am the most beautiful woman on the planet to him. .. where as my ex never acted that. I was at his beck and call, making myself up and getting all excited about seeing him that night..... only for him to call me to say he was going to drive around in fast cars with his mates (aka, "exploring" other women:sick: Please. . Pick a man who is really into you from day one.
Leigh 87 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Reality check time. You don't have something " special " with this man. You sound pathetic when you mention you "amazing connect". News flash: men who cherish a woman do not feel the need to date other women. If this man had something truly groundbreaking with you, he would snap you up.. he wouldn't waste his time "exploring"other women if he was really into you. 4
Author Mommame2 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 So he became back to me saying that he wanted to keep seeing me... And he wasn't sleeping around etc. That he wanted pursue me. Bit then after I agreed to that scenario he dropped this bomb on me that he was also going to be going on dates with others too. He said since we have only been talking a couple weeks that it would most likely change to us being exclusive but not until we got to spend more time together. It is just so crazy because now I feel as if the one being unreasonable. There's an event coming up that he's already invited someone else to he said and I will also be there. What should I do when he texts me this morning acting all lovey dovey?
Emilia Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 What should I do when he texts me this morning acting all lovey dovey? to take a hike
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Only 6 months out of a 20 year marriage?!?! I can tell you right now this guy is not ready for a real relationship. He is giving you everything he has the problem is he just doesn't have what you need to give right now. This guy just broke out of Shawshank and your trying to stick him right back in a cell. That is the mentality believe me I have been there. He is acting all lovey dovey because that is what he thinks is expected of him right now. The truth is he needs to find out who he is again. He wants the stability of someone "being there" for him. But would rather drink bleach then commit to one person. If you want a real relationship I'd look elsewhere. I know for me no matter how amazing the girl she never would get a real shot for a loooong time after my divorce. If hes not telling what I just did hes stringing you along. And if he is your just refusing to listen to him and your own common sense. Being new to dating since divorce yourself you need to take it easy on your heart as well. If the sex is good enjoy it and fill that need. Date around yourself and explore who you are now and who you want to be. Take your time life is not a sprint it is a marathon. 1
MidwestUSA Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 If you want to date this man and have sex with him, assume you're also sleeping with the others he's dating. Never heard of such a thing. You realize it makes you a F buddy, whether you want the label or not? 2
HappyLove Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Exactly, he's TELLING YOU he wants a friends with benefits and your not LISTENING!!! Bottom line is this guy doesn't have what you want, he is not going to give it to you!!! You've cleared the air with him and he's telling you straight up. Now he's inviting you and other women to events! The only person who is not being honest here is YOU! YOU are lying to yourself. This man has laid everything out for you, but you will continue to hold out and not listen to what he's telling you. You want exclusive. He said NO! You want him to date only you. He said NO! You don't want him dating other women. He said NO! You are only holding on to this guy because he's rich so you're doing everything you can to fool yourself. From this point on the only person you can blame is yourself! He's told you exactly what's up and still you're hanging on. Why wouldn't you dump him and find someone who wants what you want? Is it the money? 3
Author Mommame2 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 It's not the money. It's the fact that my friends are making me out to be a prude for not just having fun... Sure part of me loves the sex. But I don't want to go to an event next week and see him there with someone else. That's not easy...
MidwestUSA Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 It's not the money. It's the fact that my friends are making me out to be a prude for not just having fun... Sure part of me loves the sex. But I don't want to go to an event next week and see him there with someone else. That's not easy... Maybe he's hoping for a three way.
HappyLove Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 It's not the money. It's the fact that my friends are making me out to be a prude for not just having fun... Sure part of me loves the sex. But I don't want to go to an event next week and see him there with someone else. That's not easy... Most likely he will sleep with you then you'll never hear from him EVER AGAIN! He will not be your sugar daddy, he will not answer the phone when you call. He will fall off the face of the Earth and treat you like crap. So don't even go into this thinking you're even going to be dating this guy. You're dreaming. I've been there, you meet a rich man or half decent guy, they don't want what you want. I have a conscience I can NOT live knowing someone is using me or playing me so I walk away. I don't care what he had going on. I want a man who wants only me. So I take myself out of those situations no matter how lonely I'll be.
Gaeta Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 So he became back to me saying that he wanted to keep seeing me... And he wasn't sleeping around etc. That he wanted pursue me. Bit then after I agreed to that scenario he dropped this bomb on me that he was also going to be going on dates with others too. He said since we have only been talking a couple weeks that it would most likely change to us being exclusive but not until we got to spend more time together. It is just so crazy because now I feel as if the one being unreasonable. There's an event coming up that he's already invited someone else to he said and I will also be there. What should I do when he texts me this morning acting all lovey dovey? Drop the clown. What he wants is to use you as an escort ( I am being nice here ) while he's checking his other options. When a man is truly interested in you he will be in your face with it. I am not a young chick, 48 and I got back into dating at 45 completely clueless. I went through all this BS like if I were 17. It's not easy and I learn the hard way. Don't fall for the lovey dovey, it's just words, judge a man by his actions....and his indicates he's a player and a user. 1
HappyLove Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 It's not the money. It's the fact that my friends are making me out to be a prude for not just having fun... Sure part of me loves the sex. But I don't want to go to an event next week and see him there with someone else. That's not easy... If you don't want to be a prude and just have fun....why are you not dating other guys from online?
Iguanna Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 If you want a man who does NOT have sex with other women nor does he date other women, then this is the only thing you are searching for and anything else won't do. It's like trying to make a cake and needing some materials but then you don't have one material and you have another and you wondering "will the cake be good if I put that material instead?". No it won't. You will end up being dissatisfied if you compromise for something you don't want. Don't do it. If a man is not what you are looking for, just move on. He is not the last man in the earth, that's for sure. 2
central Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 You choose what dating/commitment style YOU want, and make it known. If the other person has a different approach/style, you either negotiate a compromise or simply not date them. It sounds like you prefer to date one person at a time, become exclusive or have a commitment, and see where it goes. Usually, it goes for a few months until something no longer works or a red flag is discovered - and you start the process again from scratch. My style was to multi-date until I found someone worthy of commitment. That usually didn't take long - 3 to 5 dates, usually. If I wasn't into them by then, I'd stop seeing them. This was more efficient, and made it easier to find someone good, sooner. There was little time wasted without having someone to meet or date this way. I think it would have taken years to meet someone like my second wife, rather than months, if I'd sequentially dated. The only exception to breaking off as soon as long term potential was invalidated was when we both liked each other but saw no lasting relationship potential. We'd just date - and probably have sex - for fun, while continuing to look for someone more suitable. When either found someone, we'd break it off, although occasionally would get back together later if we were both between relationships again.
Author Mommame2 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 It's all just messy I suppose. I need to find a way to break from all this in my head. Since I basically slept with the guy already I feel something. ... Guilt? Attraction ? It's just not normal for me. When I Told him that I just wanted to focus my energy on one petal and my time is valuable and if I have free time I want to focus on him (if we were dating) and that would be the best way to see if things would work. I told him I don't think the idea of sleeping with all the candidates on the bachelor reality show... Is my idea of getting to know someone. He said he understood. That he wouldn't sleep around. But he couldn't promise not to try to get to know people he has met .. More .. While dating and sleeping with me. That to him ...is like being "engaged". This was my favorite. "Maybe we moved too fast". Umm yeah! Since that was my whole point about NOT sleeping together until we were exclusive and he lied to me in the moment and said "I want you to know I'm all yours" and then said I took it wrong. He just meant his body was all mine at that time and place. Guilt. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 He's. 6 months out of divorce from 20 year marriage ...he says the idea of committing to a girlfriend is like engagement and it scares him because it's so early. One valuable lesson I've learned through this forum, from the mistakes of others, is that nobody is ready for anything serious for at least 2 years after a divorce. Even if they say they were living like roommates, the love died years ago, doesn't matter. This is sound advice. He's nowhere near ready to get serious with anybody. Since you want a relationship and not just sex, this is a dead-end for you. If I were you I'd drop him like a hot potato, today.
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