Emma87 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Hello. So I met someone on an online dating site, and he is genuinely a great guy. On paper we look like a good match, and from our communications via text message and Skype, I can tell that he is a really nice person. Physically, he's attractive. It appears that he really likes me. He texts me every morning and wants to Skype with me every evening. We first began contact via the site a week ago. I really want to like him, and I do... but not as a romantic interest. He just doesn't seem to have the depth of intellectual conversation that I need in a long term dating partner - mind you I'm not saying he's stupid, but our conversations just aren't on the level as the ones I have with my friends and family and to me that's a really important quality in someone I will be spending a lot of time with. Also, his humor just isn't that funny to me, and he doesn't really get my jokes either. We both are looking for a long term relationship, so it's important that we are a good match. Anyway, the thing is that we had agreed to a date in person, not this upcoming weekend, but the next weekend, about 10 days from now. At first I was very excited about this, but after realizing that we don't seem to be a good fit, I'm wondering if I should cancel. It's possible that we will click better in person, so in a way I want to give it that chance, but realistically I don't think it's going to change how I feel. I think I would enjoy the date itself, and he probably would too, but I really don't want to lead him on and make things harder on both of us if I can already tell that it's not a good fit. He has mentioned several times how much he is looking forward to the date, so it feels mean to cancel without giving it a chance, but I really don't want to lead him on. And I know that he's going to want to keep talking frequently in the mean time, which I feel like will only make it harder when I have to end it. What do I do? Cancel now? Keep my initial judgement to myself until I give the in person date a try? Explain that I'm not really feeling the chemistry and leave it up to him to decide if he still wants to meet? And whatever I do, how do I go about doing it in the kindest way possible? Thanks for any help.
cif Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Since you're 50/50 on the chemistry I'd say meet up that way you'll have a definitive answer.
Author Emma87 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 (edited) Thanks for the reply. I wouldn't say I'm 50/50 on the chemistry though. I genuinely think he's a great guy, but I really don't see this working out long term. Like 90% sure the chemistry's just not there. Given that, do I just break it off with him now and cancel the date plans? Do I give him a heads up that I probably just like him as a friend and let him decide whether to meet? Act like everything's going great and not mention anything before the date? I just want to do the most honest, kind and fair thing, but I'm not sure what that is (this is my first time with the online dating thing). Edited February 26, 2014 by Emma87
Ruby Slippers Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I recently had my first OLD date in a long time, and it was the same problem. Great guy, fun, attentive, cool, sporty, cute - but just not very intellectual, shallow conversation. I had a dinner date with him a few weeks ago, and the intellectual incompatibility was only more obvious sitting through conversation with him for an hour. He talks a lot, but the conversation never goes very deep, even though I tried to take it there several times. To me, one of the most attractive qualities in a partner (or friend) is intelligence, and one of my favorite things to do is have deep conversation about all kinds of things. Most of my partners and I have been spent hours upon hours talking about absolutely everything, and we love it. Having a relationship with someone I couldn't really talk to would be kind of torturous for me. I think this was the main reason I didn't feel a romantic connection with him. It won't hurt to go one date and see, but if you don't have that connection now, it's not likely to develop. This is the kind of thing you know within a conversation or two.
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