dsd85 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 A guy I've been seeing for three months is leaving the country in 8 months-one year and we both agreed (more on his end I just didn't fight back) that we should step back and not get more attached if he's leaving. I was heart broken, because I felt him getting closer to me the last two weeks, I could tell he was really falling for me, just as I was. I guess when the possibility of moving became more real he backed out. He will be out of the country for at least two years, and the country he is moving to is in the middle east where I don't see a possibility for me to live there. It's been a week and a half and I'm crushed i miss him, he said we wouldn't stop talking but that he will stop himself from falling more for me, that things won't be the same..I tried to keep contact for a couple of days but him being distant and cold hurts so I couldn't anymore....we haven't spoken for a week, I asked him to meet up with me this week because I still have things I want to tell him, should I fight for him? Should I tell him how I really feel? I'm in love with him. When he told me his reasons for not wanting to get coser he said that he could see himself staying and holding back his plans to leave because of me, that he hasn't liked someone this much in a very long time, and he doesn't see it not working out, he just sees us getting closer falling in love and things will not end well when he leaves. He also says that if we stay in a LDR it will be even harder for him when he's away from home, he will be even more home sick if the person he loves is not with him. When I said that we might break up before he leaves and we should just give it a shot bc you never now what can happen, he said that he likes everything about me, he listed everything and said he doesn't see it not working out at all. I want to fight for him, but I don't know if telling him Im in love with him will do anything or push him further away. Please help with any advice, I'm so torn and heart broken...
forgetmenot75 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I wish you could see things how they really are. He doesn't love you. IF he loved you, he'll fight for you, he'd want you to be with him. Maybe he likes you very much, but not enough. You are NOT the one who has to fight. HE is the one. and he decided not to, so you should have a pretty clear picture of what's going on. Accept what he said, and continue with yourlife. You don't know how things will turn in the future. For now, continue with your life. And first of all: Do not tell him you love him unless he does this first. 1
Author dsd85 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 I think I'm old enough to know that when someone really wants you in their life they will keep you there, no matter what...I'm just sad and I want to think there is something I can do, i know he has things he wants to accomplish and he's a very driven person, but he has expressed to me that he self sabatoges and pushes people away I'm a very caring and loving person and I want to think that I will be the one who will be able to get through to him, maybe he's afraid and I just have to fight..i've fought for ppl who were no good for me before, why wouldnt i fight for someone who is everything i've ever wanted...those are the things i keep thinking of I also have a hard time accepting that maybe it's my fault..I brought up him leaving and I panicked... i said some things to him that were uncalled for, like "maybe this isn't what you need" "I'm not just having fun with you, so it's gonna bother me if you leave" it was all too much too soon...i just want to stop thinking that i pushed him away with that conversation...because everything was good until i panicked
darkmoon Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I do not think you should appear to be quite so needy or fighty, it is tough, but no need to shut the door completely as you like each other, I do not think he will enjoy life that much overseas, bored with no booze or nightlife be the girl that he thinks highly of, I have seen men who cite a girl in another location who they intend getting back to at some point, frustrating as it is, cultivate patience, I have hardly any, so I know it is not easy, trust fate instead
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Some people can't handle & don't want to handle an LDR. They take a lot of trust & require a lot of sacrifice. If when he leaves the country in three months for more than 1.5 years & there is no meaningful opportunity for you two to see each other, he may simply not want to be celibate that whole time & may want to explore what the new destination has to offer. This isn't really about you but you are the one getting hurt. The circumstances aren't in your favor. I wouldn't declare your love for him right now in this frame of mind but I would engage him in a conversation about how he feels about long distance relationships. With all of technology, if he's coming back in 1.5 years they aren't as difficult as before the internet, Skype, cell phones etc.
forgetmenot75 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I think I'm old enough to know that when someone really wants you in their life they will keep you there, no matter what...I'm just sad and I want to think there is something I can do, i know he has things he wants to accomplish and he's a very driven person, but he has expressed to me that he self sabatoges and pushes people away I'm a very caring and loving person and I want to think that I will be the one who will be able to get through to him, maybe he's afraid and I just have to fight..i've fought for ppl who were no good for me before, why wouldnt i fight for someone who is everything i've ever wanted...those are the things i keep thinking of I also have a hard time accepting that maybe it's my fault..I brought up him leaving and I panicked... i said some things to him that were uncalled for, like "maybe this isn't what you need" "I'm not just having fun with you, so it's gonna bother me if you leave" it was all too much too soon...i just want to stop thinking that i pushed him away with that conversation...because everything was good until i panicked You are desperate because you're losing him, but truth is, you never had him in the first place. When you start wondering what you did wrong, that's a signal he's not that into you. When you feel you need to fight for someone, thats a signal he's not that into you. Do what you think is right, you came here for advice, and I gave you advice. I'm sorry you're hurting.
CaliBabe Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I agree that you should NOT tell him you love him. If you look at the scope of things, he already told you where he stands and you telling him you love him at this point is actually a selfish thing. If you love him like you say you do then you will allow him to do what he thinks is best for himself. With or without you. Love is selfless. If it is meant for you guys, it will happen. If he loves you (without you saying it first), he will stay and on his own accord. And at that point, you will know its true. You telling him under these conditions are only for your own (I hate to say "selfish" reasons) and you are hoping he will change his mind and stay. Wouldn't it feel so much more meaningful if he stayed and it was solely his own uninfluenced decision? Do what is right. If you love him, you will let him go.
Author dsd85 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 You are desperate because you're losing him, but truth is, you never had him in the first place. When you start wondering what you did wrong, that's a signal he's not that into you. When you feel you need to fight for someone, thats a signal he's not that into you. Do what you think is right, you came here for advice, and I gave you advice. I'm sorry you're hurting. I appreciate it, thanks...I never did have him, fully, that's why it's tough, because I only got a taste of what it would be like to be with him, and vice versa..and since I feel it would've been great, it's hard to let go...I'm not acting out of desperation I wouldn't say. maybe frustration...I went thru a period in my life over a year ago when I got very depressed and desperate over my ex....i'm handling this situation 100 times better, but I know it's still not how I should be thinking of it, but can't help it. thank you again
harrybrown Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Tell him how you feel. Do not look back at this time with I wish I would have told him. Take a chance.
Author dsd85 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 Some people can't handle & don't want to handle an LDR. They take a lot of trust & require a lot of sacrifice. If when he leaves the country in three months for more than 1.5 years & there is no meaningful opportunity for you two to see each other, he may simply not want to be celibate that whole time & may want to explore what the new destination has to offer. This isn't really about you but you are the one getting hurt. The circumstances aren't in your favor. I wouldn't declare your love for him right now in this frame of mind but I would engage him in a conversation about how he feels about long distance relationships. With all of technology, if he's coming back in 1.5 years they aren't as difficult as before the internet, Skype, cell phones etc. I didn't bring up a LDR reationship bc he told me it would be harder for him..he also seems wishy washy on how long he will be away...he says 1-2 years, then he says 5 years....it's very confusing to me..he's doing a business with his friend so I know it's not all written in stone or up to him...it's confusing though
Author dsd85 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 I agree that you should NOT tell him you love him. If you look at the scope of things, he already told you where he stands and you telling him you love him at this point is actually a selfish thing. If you love him like you say you do then you will allow him to do what he thinks is best for himself. With or without you. Love is selfless. If it is meant for you guys, it will happen. If he loves you (without you saying it first), he will stay and on his own accord. And at that point, you will know its true. You telling him under these conditions are only for your own (I hate to say "selfish" reasons) and you are hoping he will change his mind and stay. Wouldn't it feel so much more meaningful if he stayed and it was solely his own uninfluenced decision? Do what is right. If you love him, you will let him go. That's what I tried..I told him I would want to keep things going and would not mind if he's more distant...I did tis, but him calling me baby and beautiful to using my first name hurt too much... no that i'm meeting him i don't know what i should say anymore...part of me wants to tell him that i'm angry bc i gave myself to him and he backed out, let me fall...part of me wants to try to figure out a way to maybe be friends and be strong and somehow keep him in my life....the other part wants to fight and show him that i would never hurt him and he can trust me I wanted or want to let him make his own choices, not stand in his way..it's harder when I don't think this business over seas with his friend is the best for him, but who am i to tell him that after only three months...
Author dsd85 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 I do not think you should appear to be quite so needy or fighty, it is tough, but no need to shut the door completely as you like each other, I do not think he will enjoy life that much overseas, bored with no booze or nightlife be the girl that he thinks highly of, I have seen men who cite a girl in another location who they intend getting back to at some point, frustrating as it is, cultivate patience, I have hardly any, so I know it is not easy, trust fate instead I keep thinking he won't and he will come back...but there's always under ground parties and he will be with his friend...I just keep thinking he will stay meet someone there and never come home..or he will meet someone else before he leaves and she will make him stay..but this is all so negative..i want to think positive. but it's so hard...i believe we are meant to be, i really do. but timing is so off...i believe he belongs here in his home where he's lived for 25 years...maybe with me, i truly believe that
Author dsd85 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 Tell him how you feel. Do not look back at this time with I wish I would have told him. Take a chance. I feel like I will always wish I told him..i know he will not say it back..but i want him to know that I fell in love with him, that the last three months meant a lot to me, and i gave myself to him because i fell for him...if i don't tell him now, when? i'm just not sure if he will react badly or if it will be even harder for me to stay friends with him aftr
forgetmenot75 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I feel like I will always wish I told him..i know he will not say it back..but i want him to know that I fell in love with him, that the last three months meant a lot to me, and i gave myself to him because i fell for him...if i don't tell him now, when? i'm just not sure if he will react badly or if it will be even harder for me to stay friends with him aftr then don't!!! Take a look at this, PLEASE! The Rules Revisited: Men Don't Have Commitment Problems I copied pasted this article, but please read the whole site, you'll find useful info
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I didn't bring up a LDR reationship bc he told me it would be harder for him..he also seems wishy washy on how long he will be away...he says 1-2 years, then he says 5 years....it's very confusing to me..he's doing a business with his friend so I know it's not all written in stone or up to him...it's confusing though Let me clear it up. (sorry this is going to be painful). He's moving away to a whole other country to start a new life & you aren't part of it. Let him go.
Author dsd85 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 if he says that he can see us working out, tht he hasn't liked anyone this much in a long time, that we have good conversation, likes time spent, i'm understanding of his life and don't nag him, that we haven't had one argument and he loves that...why would he let that go? it's rare to find this, what i think is so special...why would he let that go..im here, he's here now..he's not leaving YET...that's why it's hard to let go
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 His beautiful words are very seductive. His actions, however, show the opposite. He's leaving & walking away. Actions speak louder than words.
forgetmenot75 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 His beautiful words are very seductive. His actions, however, show the opposite. He's leaving & walking away. Actions speak louder than words. Exactly. I was seeing someone that said to me: -you're my girlfriend, I don't want any other woman in my life but you -you're perfect -I'm getting attached to you and he called me "baby" several times. turned out, this same man didn't remember my name!!!!, after 15 months of knowing each other, seeing each other once or tiwce a week AND when I stop contacting him, he never tried to contact me back. this was 30 days ago. words, words...
darkmoon Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 (edited) I keep thinking he won't and he will come back...but there's always under ground parties and he will be with his friend...I just keep thinking he will stay meet someone there and never come home..or he will meet someone else before he leaves and she will make him stay..but this is all so negative..i want to think positive. but it's so hard...i believe we are meant to be, i really do. but timing is so off...i believe he belongs here in his home where he's lived for 25 years...maybe with me, i truly believe that try a relaxation group of some kind, look, if he likes you as you say he will be back, but then you might meet somebody else at any time, either way, no wallowing or vivid imaginings, you will only make yourself feel bad to worse in doing these two things, just suppose he came home a successful business man instead Edited February 26, 2014 by darkmoon
Recommended Posts