Do I give up the things I love to do, just to avoid him?

February 25, 2014

Back story- 6 years on & off. He's a cop in the town my family,best friend live & my mother has her business, also where the shopping district is. I visit all of them regularly. I love my family & my best is more like my sister, we've been inseparable since we were 7.

In 6 years no matter how much I try to avoid him, going different routes, different times or parking different spots at the mall or stores. I ALWAYS run into him. It's sick & this is with NC. There isn't any possible way he could always know where I am ,even he has said,it'd be impossible for me know where he is. I have gone through periods where I don't go visit my family & it depresses me & then it pisses me off because I start to think, I shouldn't allow this to ruin time with my family & friends. I feel so stuck.

When he does see me, he'll follow me (which he denies) including going into the store I'm in & or pull up infront & just sit & stare. Been at local concerts where he'll park his car right in front of mine, just so I know that he's there. Then if I say anything, he'll say stay at home. My anger is starting to build & build. I guess my question is, do I give up seeing my family & beat friend as much , to let this die or do I just keep doing what I'm doing with NC until he knows he's not getting to me?

So lost & confused.

February 25, 2014

Sounds like you've been trying a bit too hard to avoid this chap, maybe stop trying and just go around your day-to-day things without worrying when you'll next see him.

If every time you bump into each other he sees how distressed he is making you, surely it's more incentive on his side to keep those 'distressing moments' happening. Maybe he.....i dunno, 'gets off on it.'

Point is... no matter how hard you try and never see this guy again, sod's law is, you're gonna bump into each other sometimes anyway, so there's no really point in trying to defeat fate. Each awkward time you see him, you should look and smile, act like it doesn't bother you, even if inside your blood is at boiling point. Try and look happy without this fella in your life, if you really want to hurt him, that's probably the best way to go around it....

Hope this could be of some use?

February 25, 2014

Did he put a tracking device in your car? Because he's a cop he could have ways.. Not that it's right for him to do that, but still, this is really creepy how often you run into him (aka him following you).

February 25, 2014

File an RO.

February 25, 2014

Back story- 6 years on & off. He's a cop in the town my family,best friend live & my mother has her business, also where the shopping district is. I visit all of them regularly. I love my family & my best is more like my sister, we've been inseparable since we were 7.

In 6 years no matter how much I try to avoid him, going different routes, different times or parking different spots at the mall or stores. I ALWAYS run into him. It's sick & this is with NC. There isn't any possible way he could always know where I am ,even he has said,it'd be impossible for me know where he is. I have gone through periods where I don't go visit my family & it depresses me & then it pisses me off because I start to think, I shouldn't allow this to ruin time with my family & friends. I feel so stuck.

When he does see me, he'll follow me (which he denies) including going into the store I'm in & or pull up infront & just sit & stare. Been at local concerts where he'll park his car right in front of mine, just so I know that he's there. Then if I say anything, he'll say stay at home. My anger is starting to build & build. I guess my question is, do I give up seeing my family & beat friend as much , to let this die or do I just keep doing what I'm doing with NC until he knows he's not getting to me?

So lost & confused.

In 1988, I had a summer affair with a married man. Later, he got the guilts and fessed up to his wife, which today I'm fine with. What I'm not fine with is I got him interested in a hobby back then. He and his wife are the co-chairs of my local small town hobby group. IF he hadn't thrown my under the bus, given up my name and info, I could be in that group and not look twice at him.

I'd keep doing what you're doing and just ignore him. Completely.

Lol....don't suppose you could buy a new or different car? Then he wouldn't know it is you?

February 25, 2014

Back story- 6 years on & off. He's a cop in the town my family,best friend live & my mother has her business, also where the shopping district is. I visit all of them regularly. I love my family & my best is more like my sister, we've been inseparable since we were 7.

In 6 years no matter how much I try to avoid him, going different routes, different times or parking different spots at the mall or stores. I ALWAYS run into him. It's sick & this is with NC. There isn't any possible way he could always know where I am ,even he has said,it'd be impossible for me know where he is. I have gone through periods where I don't go visit my family & it depresses me & then it pisses me off because I start to think, I shouldn't allow this to ruin time with my family & friends. I feel so stuck.

When he does see me, he'll follow me (which he denies) including going into the store I'm in & or pull up infront & just sit & stare. Been at local concerts where he'll park his car right in front of mine, just so I know that he's there. Then if I say anything, he'll say stay at home. My anger is starting to build & build. I guess my question is, do I give up seeing my family & beat friend as much , to let this die or do I just keep doing what I'm doing with NC until he knows he's not getting to me?

So lost & confused.

You poor thing. I feel soooo bad for you! (((hugs)))

I think you should not give up the things you love and keep ignoring him.

February 25, 2014

Lol....don't suppose you could buy a new or different car? Then he wouldn't know it is you?

The guy is a cop, makes no difference if she got a new car with a new license plate, he'd find out.

February 25, 2014

IF he is actually keeping a lookout for her.

Coincidences abound in these situations.

It's not as easy to put a tracking device on a car as you might think. He can't just check one out and never return it or file it as a loss.

February 25, 2014

IF he is actually keeping a lookout for her.

Coincidences abound in these situations.

It's not as easy to put a tracking device on a car as you might think. He can't just check one out and never return it or file it as a loss.

He can certainly pull some strings or go buy one.

I would say coincidences too but from what she's said, it's too often. Those run in's are not an oops.

February 25, 2014

More than I can even describe. I don't have any advice to offer because I am trying to figre out my situation which I'm about to seek advice on as well in private. Just wanted to give you (((hugs))) and let you know you're not alone.

February 25, 2014

File an RO.

What's that ?

February 25, 2014

Did he put a tracking device in your car? Because he's a cop he could have ways.. Not that it's right for him to do that, but still, this is really creepy how often you run into him (aka him following you).

It has happened so much, it's happened while I'm with other people that he doesn't know their car. My best friend lives there NEVER sees him alone but when we're together with her driving, there he is! I'm not going to lie & say with in the last 6years after certain times , I haven't gotten week & texted him bc I have but many more times I haven't. I just feel like I can't get away. I do it's happened in purpose to, like if I go out he'll be standing outside the bar with his coworkers. If I say anything, he says I'm crazy & it's all in my head. I've never been scared of him, physically but he seems to enjoy driving me mentally insane!!!

February 25, 2014

My guess is he does know your car.

I'm also guessing you are in a small town with not a whole lot going on.

Cops are going to be at the mall...they are usually called for shoplifting.

Does your mall have a movie theater? Cops may hang out there during popular movies, long lines, short tempers...

Concerts? Yup, cops will be there before and after the concert. Maybe even during if they are let in for free.

Small town cops can be expected to be in the vicinity of the bars close to closing time.

They will be around at the start and end of school days. If sports practice gets out at a certain time, they may be there. If kindergarten or preschool is a half day, they will be there for dismissal.

Always around for sporting events.

Funerals and weddings, they provide crowd and traffic control.

Those are just the ones that come to mind.

February 25, 2014

My guess is he does know your car.

I'm also guessing you are in a small town with not a whole lot going on.

Cops are going to be at the mall...they are usually called for shoplifting.
Does your mall have a movie theater? Cops may hang out there during popular movies, long lines, short tempers...
Concerts? Yup, cops will be there before and after the concert. Maybe even during if they are let in for free.
Small town cops can be expected to be in the vicinity of the bars close to closing time.
They will be around at the start and end of school days. If sports practice gets out at a certain time, they may be there. If kindergarten or preschool is a half day, they will be there for dismissal.
Always around for sporting events.
Funerals and weddings, they provide crowd and traffic contro

Those are just the ones that come to mind.

I know some of these things but I also know him. He's been on the department for a long time & when we have hung out while he's working, he won't budge for hours. I know he hates the bars after they close & if I wasn't there would never be sitting there. I just wish he'd stop instead of using his job as can excuse. I know there are accidental nights but I also know there are some on purpose, I think I'm just frustrated, anytime I'm having fun, there's his face. Just a crappy feeling. I'd never be in his face while he's with family or friends if it was reversed.

February 25, 2014

Gosh that's awful! I don't have a problem isn't as big as that, but I know on a smaller level how you feel.

February 26, 2014

I'm not going to lie & say with in the last 6years after certain times , I haven't gotten week & texted him bc I have but many more times I haven't.

With his behaviour, NO more texts, even if that means blocking him or changing your number. Any reaction will feed him, whether it be negative or positive.

I know it bugs you a lot ,rightfully so, but try to ignore him and laugh it off. He's pretty pathetic to take time out of his day during work hours to watch you and/or follow you around, hope to run into you. It's a game and he knows it bugs you and makes you feel 'something.'

February 26, 2014

Back story- 6 years on & off. He's a cop in the town my family,best friend live & my mother has her business, also where the shopping district is. I visit all of them regularly. I love my family & my best is more like my sister, we've been inseparable since we were 7.

In 6 years no matter how much I try to avoid him, going different routes, different times or parking different spots at the mall or stores. I ALWAYS run into him. It's sick & this is with NC. There isn't any possible way he could always know where I am ,even he has said,it'd be impossible for me know where he is. I have gone through periods where I don't go visit my family & it depresses me & then it pisses me off because I start to think, I shouldn't allow this to ruin time with my family & friends. I feel so stuck.

When he does see me, he'll follow me (which he denies) including going into the store I'm in & or pull up infront & just sit & stare. Been at local concerts where he'll park his car right in front of mine, just so I know that he's there. Then if I say anything, he'll say stay at home. My anger is starting to build & build. I guess my question is, do I give up seeing my family & beat friend as much , to let this die or do I just keep doing what I'm doing with NC until he knows he's not getting to me?

So lost & confused.

I think the problem is he may not be sure its actually over...your admission has this as "on again off again".

Have you communicated in no uncertain terms that you are done being in this A? That it is TRULY over.

From his PoV...it may be unclear....just a thought.

February 26, 2014

I think the problem is he may not be sure its actually over...your admission has this as "on again off again".

Have you communicated in no uncertain terms that you are done being in this A? That it is TRULY over.

From his PoV...it may be unclear....just a thought.

Yes, I have made it clear & that's when it seems to get worse. I've blocked him from my phone & FB this time. We have not been physical in about a year. I have gotten weak in the past , I know it's my fault I let him get to me. I can handle seeing him but I dont understand the in my face following & when I do ignore him, he says I'm making sure he sees I'm ignoring him, that I don't get. It's like he doesn't get I'm ignoring him bc I want to stop , after I've said that . Just frustrating!

February 26, 2014

Wanted to ask this gently not accusingly & its more rhetorical but this is a man you have feelings for and many of us need & want that attention and vslidation. It tells us we are 'loved' or not thrown away or forgotten.

Just wonde if your addiction is going where u know he will see u. Enjoying being chased if only subconsciously. Again not accusing.

I believe if you want to be done, truly truly want to, you change every pattern every hangout place, any single way to block or avoid contact, you do.

Even for me I used to get an inspirational email each morning which I signed him up for too when we were "together". When it ended I had to unsubscribe to those emails as it was a bond we shared, a reminder.

You do need to take extreme measures to break your patterns & this does include giving up some things you love for your peace of mind.

I would also say he has EXTREME contrrol issues and is wanting to let you know wherever you are he can find you and get to you.

Let him know in a letter that you are healing, moving on, you are done and ask him not to follow, come to your work, park by you.....

Be polite asnd CLEAR.

But your gonna need to stand by it too.

February 26, 2014

Wanted to ask this gently not accusingly & its more rhetorical but this is a man you have feelings for and many of us need & want that attention and vslidation. It tells us we are 'loved' or not thrown away or forgotten.
Just wonde if your addiction is going where u know he will see u. Enjoying being chased if only subconsciously. Again not accusing.
I believe if you want to be done, truly truly want to, you change every pattern every hangout place, any single way to block or avoid contact, you do.
Even for me I used to get an inspirational email each morning which I signed him up for too when we were "together". When it ended I had to unsubscribe to those emails as it was a bond we shared, a reminder.
You do need to take extreme measures to break your patterns & this does include giving up some things you love for your peace of mind.
I would also say he has EXTREME contrrol issues and is wanting to let you know wherever you are he can find you and get to you.
Let him know in a letter that you are healing, moving on, you are done and ask him not to follow, come to your work, park by you.....
Be polite asnd CLEAR.
But your gonna need to stand by it too.

I really like this entire post (except the addiction part, I don't believe it's an addiction, but don't want to discuss it here). When you end things, it really is good to change things up. I do understand there is only so much you can do, but do what you can. And when you do see him, just look past him. If he ever confronts you, just be calm and explain that you need to move forward with your life and don't want to make trouble in his. That you don't have bad feelings.

I hope this stops soon for you, it's got to be crazy making.

Chin up.

February 26, 2014

Wanted to ask this gently not accusingly & its more rhetorical but this is a man you have feelings for and many of us need & want that attention and vslidation. It tells us we are 'loved' or not thrown away or forgotten.
Just wonde if your addiction is going where u know he will see u. Enjoying being chased if only subconsciously. Again not accusing.
I believe if you want to be done, truly truly want to, you change every pattern every hangout place, any single way to block or avoid contact, you do.
Even for me I used to get an inspirational email each morning which I signed him up for too when we were "together". When it ended I had to unsubscribe to those emails as it was a bond we shared, a reminder.
You do need to take extreme measures to break your patterns & this does include giving up some things you love for your peace of mind.
I would also say he has EXTREME contrrol issues and is wanting to let you know wherever you are he can find you and get to you.
Let him know in a letter that you are healing, moving on, you are done and ask him not to follow, come to your work, park by you.....
Be polite asnd CLEAR.
But your gonna need to stand by it too.

No, not really. Not for a long time. Like last Friday,before we quit talking he told me he worked days in Feb, so I waited to go visit the best friend until evening & I leave her house at 9:30, go a completely different way than I usually do( completely trying to change old habits). I get to a light & sure enough he's right there. We turn the same way & he busts a U-turn to make sure I see him. Then I'm a nervous wreck. It upsets bc like I said ,seeing him I can handle but the in my face things, bother me. I start shaking , nervous nervous wreck & I'm not like that. It seems worse anytime i tell him bc it's always I'm crazy & he'd never do that.

February 26, 2014

Would it possibly help you to make a log of when and where you see him? Maybe if you do that, you'll at least see maybe it's coincidence, or, if it isn't, you'll have proof of how often it happens. Maybe then, if it is over the top, you can get a restraining order. I would not like someone doing this to me, it sounds a little stalkerish.

February 26, 2014

Would it possibly help you to make a log of when and where you see him? Maybe if you do that, you'll at least see maybe it's coincidence, or, if it isn't, you'll have proof of how often it happens. Maybe then, if it is over the top, you can get a restraining order. I would not like someone doing this to me, it sounds a little stalkerish.

That's a good idea. He is kind of stalkerish , but he's never been physical or violent , more so emotionally annoying . The one time I did freak out is when he approached me in front of my preteen daughter. That really pissed me off!

February 26, 2014

wait, you spoke to him last Friday and wonder why he's following you?

this is NOT NC. Forgive me, did I miss something?

February 26, 2014

wait, you spoke to him last Friday and wonder why he's following you?

this is NOT NC. Forgive me, did I miss something?

No, I haven't spoken to him in over a month. He told me last month that he was working days. Ive blocked him from everything he has no way of contacting me. I saw him last Friday night & he pulled some idiotic car move but I kept driving & maintained NC.

Edited February 26, 2014 by Justwondering33

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