blacknoir Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 (First Post - wall of text incoming) *sigh* Where to begin. I suppose with the cold hard facts, that some of you may not like. 9 Months ago....Both of us are married. We work together. She was in the middle of her divorce (~6 months), separated and living with her teenage child,I was in a very unhappy marriage, struggling with the decision of whether or not to leave my wife and children (I have since left the marriage (~2 months)), but it is and was a definite fact - both marriages were over - not salvageable. It was supposed to just be an affair - just friends with benefits. We told each other that this wouldn't end well - that an affair was a "first" for both of us - and that we should separate emotion. And we were ok with that...or at least I thought I was... It was....great. We snuck around - stolen moments, "work" on Saturday/Sunday, lunchtime rendezvous in a parking lot away from the office, her place in the morning before work, a sneaked kiss when she came into work in the morning and when I left for the afternoon... Yeah....that separating emotion thing? That didn't work. Fast forward - I fell....hard. Maybe it was that I've been in a loveless marriage for the past 7 years (married 13, together for 20), no physical contact, no talking, coming in after a long day at work and heading to my office to stare at a blank computer screen for hours at a time, while my wife watched her TV shows in the living room. Maybe it was because I saw her as being in a controlling marriage for 25 years, and finally having the courage to get out. Whatever it was, my heightened emotional state took over, and I fell completely and totally in love. ...and then I found the first lie. I wasn't her first affair. She had had one with someone else , and he emotionally devastated her. She had told the "other guy" that she loved him, and the player that he is/was, he said it back. Ultimately, she didn't leave her husband for him, but he definitely was the catalyst for her leaving. But, he still damaged her, to the point where she needed to seek counseling, both for the narcissistic husband that had controlled her for years, and for the emotional damage that the "other guy" had done. I didn't care. I was in love. I overlooked the lie, and went forward, unconditionally. I told her I loved her. I told her that I'd wait for her to be able to heal herself - that I wanted her to heal herself. So it was great again - and I found *my* catalyst. I left my wife...FOR ME...so that I could move forward with becoming a better person....FOR ME. I moved out of my house. I told her that if she (my co-worker) was along for the ride, so much for the better - I was in love, right? Now fast forward again to last Tuesday. We sat in the car in the Wal-Mart parking lot, and were talking about love. I got frustrated because she didn't want to tell *anyone* about us - not her best friend, not her counselor, not anyone. And I asked her (quite selfishly, I will add, and I'm not proud of this): 'Just tell me you don't love me, and I'll walk away' And she said she couldn't say that. And so I pushed it, and repeated my demand. And finally, she broke down and said that yes, she did love me. ...sigh...and I was the happiest man on earth that day. Finally, texts from her with "I love you too!", those words! Damn it was amazing.... So that Friday (last Friday), we planned our first "date". Her child was with the dad, and I was not living at home any more. It was....perfect. Dinner at the restaurant I told her I'd take her, a walk to the pier and smooching while staring at the night sky and the lights in the distance. Then back to her place, where we made love... And Saturday, we got together for some ball practice (we're on the same team), and then had lunch. We planned our second evening - more quiet. Pizza and then a movie at her place, snuggling on the couch. Shortly before I was supposed to pick her up, she texted me and said that she had to drop something off at the house, and that she'd meet me at the pizza place. (Yes, you can already see where this is going....) Pizza place, a nice dinner, and we got to talking about how I had more time to sleep in the next day, because I didn't have to watch my kids until later in the afternoon, and what would she like for breakfast? "I need to tell you something" BLAM. BLAM BLAM BLAM. She had told her counselor about me on Wednesday. The counselor asked how long I'd been separated. The counselor said that she needed to get out, and now. She wasn't ready for a commitment which she thought I wanted, she wasn't ready to love me at the level I loved her, she wasn't "in love" with me the way I was with her, and she needed to move forward for herself before she could love another, it was all her fault... I was completely devastated, and yet I felt like a monster. I know (and knew) that it wasn't her fault - that I had pushed too far, too fast, and she wasn't emotionally ready to tell me she loved me (even if she did). Still, I was totally unprepared for this - after all, we had had the perfect date and made love just last night....I walked out of the pizza place, cold and numb - she stayed, crying. I drove back to the temporary place that I'm staying in a fog. She sent me the "friends" email the next day. "I never wanted to hurt you" "I'm so very sorry for the hurt that I've brought" "I feel a deep connection to you""Please forgive me" "You'll always have a special place in my heart" I haven't responded. I've decided that I'm not going to. Keep in mind that we work together, in the same group, so I cannot initiate full NC. I have to professionally email her, talk with her at times, etc. But...it's going to be that - professional - smile in the hallway if I see her - no personal chat, etc. However, I have deleted her from FB, and on every personal level, will initiate full NC. No texts, no responding to that email, etc. I also play sports with her (I mentioned practice earlier). I'm struggling as to whether or not to just not go any more. Hell, it's only a $30 jersey.... Anyways - that's my story. I don't understand why Friday was so perfect, and Saturday went to hell? Was I used for a "goodbye f%^#"? I'll leave you with 2 thoughts: 1. For whatever it's worth - my marriage is and has been over. It's LC there too. We keep it to the kids and financial matters only - no talking about anything else. I'm not going back, and I DID NOT leave for this woman. You can believe me, or you can choose not to, but it's the truth, and I know it. 2. If she came back, "I WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER", would I? I don't know...to be honest, I probably would...she means that much to me right now. But she *has* to make that move. I will not, I can promise you that. The pain from my marriage gradually faded to indifference, and so I know that this (relatively) short relationship, no matter how strong it seemed, will fade as well if she doesn't. So….thoughts?
forgetmenot75 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I'm sorry about what had happened to you. She seem immature (first she said I love you, then she spoke with counselor and decided not to pursue a relationship with you...wtf?) But anyway, I understand how hurt you are rigth now. you're doing all the right things, no contact etc. However, the hardest part is to lose any hope. You need to understand this relationship was not going anywhere, she is not in love with you, and that is not going to change despite she may want to be with you in the future. So you need to understand this and do your grieving. Now you're single, and you'll have plenty of opportunities to meet other women. Sign in to a dating site and start dating if you feel like to. anything to move on from this woman. I wish you the best of luck
nais Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Your mind is made up you need to trust that. Meaning- you do not want to be where your not wanted. Proof of this was letting go of a loveless marriage. While waiting improve upon you, Counseling might be a good idea for you as you will need to learn to be a better parent, you are now separated and divorcing which can be hard on everyone. You experienced a few years with someone who you did not feel you can stand up to. Find out who you are, so when you do find someone worth your time and efforts you can be better for them.
Author blacknoir Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 I'm sorry about what had happened to you. She seem immature (first she said I love you, then she spoke with counselor and decided not to pursue a relationship with you...wtf?) But anyway, I understand how hurt you are rigth now. you're doing all the right things, no contact etc. Not to defend her, but I'm not sure about the immaturity. We're both in our 40's, and she's been through some very rough times. She's been seeing the counselor since early 2013, but had never mentioned me prior to Wednesday (probably due to fear that the counselor would actually say what she said!) So you need to understand this and do your grieving. Now you're single, and you'll have plenty of opportunities to meet other women. Sign in to a dating site and start dating if you feel like to. anything to move on from this woman. Yeah, I'm not so sure about that just yet. I'm pretty fresh into my separation (even given the loveless aspect of my marriage), and although I'm no longer living at home, I don't have my own place yet, and so I feel that if I did start "dating" again, it would be frowned upon by the other party, if not a significant contribution to *that* relationship lasting for long. Honestly, I'm looking for a loving, lasting relationship - not a fling. I admit that my initial foray into the affair was for the wrong reasons (sex), so when it changed into (what I thought was?) love, my own personal heightened emotions, coupled with my "forgetting" what it was like to love and be loved, took me too far and too fast. While waiting improve upon you, Counseling might be a good idea for you as you will need to learn to be a better parent, you are now separated and divorcing which can be hard on everyone. You experienced a few years with someone who you did not feel you can stand up to. Find out who you are, so when you do find someone worth your time and efforts you can be better for them. Already ahead of you, friend. I actually started counseling *before* the breakup (with the girlfriend, not the wife), to start to figure out what my issues are, as I know, understand, and accept that I'm not without fault in my failed marriage and want to learn from that and grow. Thank you both for not being judgmental. Honestly, I was half-expecting (and perhaps I still am) replies to the thread saying "Good - you got exactly what you gave to your wife when you left her.".
CaliGypsy Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 There are a lot of people who have been through similar experiences and aren't going to judge you. Most of us understand that each persons story while similar is unique and therefore worthy of its own conclusion. I think a lot of the ones that are quick to judge have been betrayed and equate their own situation to others even though things might not be comparable. People tend to lash out when they are hurt and the internet is seemingly the perfect forum for them to vent. For any of us I can only hope we use our situations to better ourselves and to not repeat whatever led us to certain choices. I still haven't been able to bring myself to share my whole story.
loversquarrel Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 If your marriage was over, why the need to sneak around? Anyway, way to soon for the both of you to be in any relationship. The failure rate of relationships that are born out of affairs is astoundingly high.
Author blacknoir Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 (edited) If your marriage was over, why the need to sneak around? I didn't feel the need to sneak around - I went with her wishes on that one. I even broached the subject of her telling her close friends - she would have none of it. I'm going to imagine it had to do with us working together, and both of us still being married, and then me leaving my wife months *after* the affair started ("oh, he left his wife for you...how...nice..."), without anyone knowing the whole story. Honestly, when I did end up telling someone the whole story (someone who I had been confiding in about the divorce, who also happened to be a female friend of us both), they understood that I didn't leave my wife for this woman. Day 4 of NC (LC) is underway. Ball practice is tonight with her....I'm going to go, I've decided, but since it's a social situation, there will be NC. I'm going to practice just to have fun, and smack the ever living crap out of the ball... Edited February 26, 2014 by blacknoir
mantlefan Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I'm kind of in the "brokenhearted, but still have to work with the person who broke it" scenario too. I am trying to do a good job at work, keeping my contact with her to emails whenever possible, while expanding my social life (I would say when we were together, once a month at most I would do things socially with people other than her.), working out and eating right, and applying like mad for jobs all over the country. I guess for you it is different with kids, but it sounds like you have a pretty clear grasp on what you need to do in terms of action, and the emotions will follow and become more peaceful. At least that's what I hope is happening for me.
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