Songdisciple Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Hello all. An experiment of sorts. I would like to present a text conversation to the crowd and get some opinions. Please look this over, and offer what you think is wrong here. This is really sort of confusing and I would really like another opinion in hopes of learning if my thoughts of a situation are wrong. I offer no insight, as I want this as raw as it can be to not sway opinion. Please state what ou get from this. Unbiased. A little story. Boy had planned to travel (two days) to visit his son (age 19), and while in the area to visit another friend, Joe. Childs mother, who is an alcoholic, was intoxicated so Boy decided to abort the visit for obvious reasons. Upon informing Girl of the change of plan, this is the conversation. Thank you for your thoughts. Have at it. Text Conversation Girl Did you tell Joe you were going to be over there today? Boy No set time. I would have called him enroute. Girl That is not what I asked. Boy I said no, no set time. Girl That did not answer the question. Boy How does it not? I said NO, we set no time, he is not expecting sigh Girl You either told him you would be over there and would confirm the time later, or you didn't mention you would be going over. It is a yes or no question. Boy and I said NO GRRRRRR Girl ditoo ditto Boy Why was NO not good enough, then, you think I failed? Girl You did not say no. You answer was "no set time." That implies that you had talked about it but not set a time. Boy Yea, no set time, from now till sept. Was a simple accurate answer No set time. Will call enroute. -- Actually, a pretty detailed answer Girl "Not set time" does not indicate that you did not tell him you would be over there today. It was not a direct answer to a very detailed and specific question, and that is why I get so frustrated. Boy NO SET TIME - Means, These parties do not have an arrangement, it is open ended, in that party one is not expecting party two. Party two will be calling party one when in the area to see if party one would like to accomodate. <--- How much more of an answer do you need. You frustrate yourself. Girl My question was "Did you tell Joe you were going to be over there today?" It is a Yes or No answer. A "yes" could have been followed with "but we did not set a time." However, "no time set" did not answer the question. It left it too open too interpretation - something you are really good at and I don't understand why you do it. I makes me crazu. Did you tell Joe you were going over there today - YES or NO? I had a reason for asking, but you made it impossible, so nevermind.] Boy I SAID NO! NO SET TIME. MEANS --> NO HE IS NOT EXPECTING ME AT ANY GIVEN TIME. Come on Girl, why do you find every little thing to pick me apart? I have things to do. Once again, I am screwed. Girl YES or NO? Did you tell Joe that you would be over there today at ANY time? Boy I HAVE ANSWERED THIS QUESTION AT LEAST FIVE TIMES. NO Girl And you know that if you say "yes" that I will say that you have once again allowed [childs mother] to cause you to let someone else down, which is WHY you will never answer a direct question with a direct answer. You are a master at dodging the real issue. I hate it.
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 You both sound massively frustrated with one another and as though you lack proper communication skills. Personally in his position I would feel grilled and annoyed but maybe stuff has gone on previously to make you so angry at his lack of giving the specific answer you wanted. He sounds like he's had enough of it... Why was it so important to you he answer in the way you wanted? Do you often get angry at him for failing to answer questions in a certain way?
Quiet Storm Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 First, the conversation sounds hostile. BOY seems evasive and GIRL seems like she is conducting an interrogation. BOY wants to avoid conflict and GIRL is confrontational. It sounds like BOY planned to visit his son, but then changed his mind because BOYs mother was drunk. I agree that this is unfair to the son. BOY should not avoid his son because of his mother's actions. However, it is a situation between him and his ADULT son. His adult son is old enough to discuss this with his father if he feels disappointed that he did not come. As adults, they can schedule a dinner or an outing that doesn't involve the mother at all. GIRL should not be interrogating BOY about the relationship with his son. GIRL needs to realize that she can't control BOY. BOY is who he is, and if GIRL doesn't like the person that BOY is, she should reevaluate the relationship. It sounds like GIRL sees a pattern of BOY avoiding conflict and letting people down. GIRL is trying to get BOY to change and her method is confrontation, interrogations and/or guilt trips. GIRL needs to realize that these personality traits are a reflection of BOYs character. When GIRL is confrontational, it puts BOY in defense mode. BOY is so busy defending himself and getting annoyed at being nagged- that GIRL's message gets lost in the drama. It appears that GIRLs intent is to get BOY to be accountable and introspective ("Maybe it does hurt my son's feelings if I cancel because of his mom"), but GIRLs approach has given BOY an easy out. He can now play victim and make GIRL the persecutor. The focus becomes the argument between GIRL & BOY, instead of BOY being held accountable for his inconsiderate actions. We can't change other people. We can b1tch, complain, cry, beg, interrorgate, nag, yell.... None of that will change someone who has a poor character and is inconsiderate of the feelings of others. We can't make someone else care. 1
pteromom Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 The conversation is rather silly, but I am with GIRL. She was asking BOY about whether he TOLD Joe or not, not what time they had planned to meet. Still, I can't believe she pushed it that far. Don't know whether to be impressed or scared.
CarrieT Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Well, I can understand why GIRL is frustrated. The question is: Did you tell Joe you were going to be over there today? The implication being that IF BOY was going to be there, he would have made further plans to either A)call en route, or B)set a specific time. It is based on an assumption, but the BOY didn't answer that question, he was answering the question as though it was worded, "there is an assumption Joe knows you are coming - did you set a time?" to which the BOY responded, "No time." And, in fact, that was NOT the question asked. So the convo spiraled out of the control where the GIRL had to keep reiterating the question and the BOY never really answered the first question asked. Both of you need lessons in communication. 1
Author Songdisciple Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 Girl THE CUPS MUST HAVE THEIR HANDLES POINTING THIS WAY IN THE DISHWASHER. NO COFFEE CUPS IN THIS ROW, ONLY GLASSES HERE. THE CUPS BELONG HERE. THIS ROW. AND YOU KEEP DISRESPECTING ME. I HAVE TOLD YOU THIS TIME AND TIME AGAIN, YOU DON'T LISTEN. THIS IS WHAT YOU DO. YOU DON'T LISTEN. AND I DON'T TRUST YOU. Boy I really loved you.
almond Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Stop analysing conversations, and analyse your future together instead. If you don't sort out the obvious underlying issues, you two won't last (not happily anyway).
Author Songdisciple Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 Stop analysing conversations, and analyse your future together instead. If you don't sort out the obvious underlying issues, you two won't last (not happily anyway). Thanks for caring. Within three days of my starting this thread she found it and pretty much attacked me over it. When I asked her how she found it so fast (We use different computers) she said "I DON'T TRUST YOU" and did not answer the question, How ironic. Songdisciple is a name I have used online for years. Most recently, 2006, on some dating sites (Her and I got together in 2008) but since she knew I have used the name in the past she set up a Google alert for it (And I bet some others). So, if the word Songdisciple is found by Google, it emails her. When I posted this the other day (First time I have used the name in years) she got an email. Sad. I was hoping to work things out. I created this thread trying to better my own understanding of her and if I was messing up somehow. I care! I never, in a million years expected her to attack me over it. I never thought she would be stalking me like that. She says, I posted a private conversation to the world, and she is furious. Well, the content was real, but I kept the names out of it. I needed insight. I needed to know, I need others opinions. Without asking people that actually know her. This was totally anonymous, and I thought, responsible. I was seeking insight, without comprising her. But it put her in orbit, and I lose. It backfired. A little more insight for the curious. I am Boy. My son was perfectly fine with my not coming for a visit due to the circumstances. He understands the dynamics and what a visit would have brought upon all of us. It was better for us to time it for another day. He lives with his mother and my visit usually brings out the worst in the illness. Sometimes for days afterwards. Tis best he and I work without influencing his mothers behavior. Out of sight, out of mind sort of thing. For those who have dealt with an alcoholic, you get it. As far as the friend Joe, I had spoke with him in prior days and told him that I would be in the area sometime in the next couple of weeks. I was to call him when in the area to arrange a get together with him. It was very open ended. We live a good distance apart, all of us. No one was let down by this change of plans. Seems the only let down was for Girl by my not allowing myself to be corrected unduly.
almond Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Are you two together? If so, you should consider at least taking a break so that you can drop some of this animosity and successfully co-parent your child. Her trust issues and insecurities, as well as your alcoholism, need to be dealt with and you need to do this individually. Separating seems to be the best course of action, at least for the time being. Do not respond to any of her texts unless it has to do with your son. No arguing about online activities or ripping each other apart over whether you told so and so you'd see them. The only thing you two should talk about is your child. No exceptions for a while at least. Take some time to figure yourselves out, and then decide where you want to go. Hopefully you're getting treatment for your alcoholism. If not, get onto it immediately.
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