jackstanton Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 My best friend and i are both in our 20s and we became very close seven months ago when we were both getting out of a bad break up. We would spend almost all of our free time together, we told each other everything, we helped each other get over our ex's. We are both attractive people and from the beginning there was flirting and teasing, but we kept it platonic because that's what we needed at the time. Since we became close I have dated two women, she has seen a couple guys, and we have talked about all the problems and games of a relationship. About two months ago I developed feelings for my best friend and I started to see her in a different light. After I broke up with the last girl I was seeing, every time we would hang out I would want to tell her. It was made more acute by the fact that we continue to tease and flirt with one another. Then last Saturday, we were out with friends, and I got very drunk and I told her how I felt. I did not say anything over the top, but I told her I have feelings for her and I want more than friendship. She was a bit surprised, to say the least, and she said she needed time. The following day she contacted me and we met up and we had a great afternoon together, almost felt like a date. But over the course of it, she told me she needed time to think and that she is extremely busy right now and we could talk in maybe a week. She said that while she was inclined to say "no" for a variety of reasons, it wouldnt be a "real no". I didnt fight her, I told her to take the time she needed. I havent heard from her since, and it is tough because we have both become so close and we share so much. My question is what do I do? Do I wait and just hope she contacts me soon? Should I try reaching out? Is saying she needs time to think her way of softening the blow of an eventual rejection? Any input or advice would be really appreciated.
Jmk21 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Hey chief, put the brakes on right now before you destroy a friendship. Is this something your willing to jeopardize? Do some long drawn out thinking. Are you lonely? Do you feel needy ? You might be a little selfish here in my opinion. I have a couple close girl-friends whom we are much better off not being lovers/involved. and I've lost a few in my life from it as well There's an old saying. Friends can become lovers but lovers cannot become friends.
TheNewMe2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I'm going to be the dissenting opinion (having had a similar situation in College - though, for me, she sadly turned me down. It took a year to rebuild a relationship close to the level we had). Having said that, I believe that a man and woman who spend that much time together and that close are compatible in some ways. It's natural that you would start to gain some feelings for her. The one poster is right, you need to really determine if it was you being vunerable or not. That's really tough when you are in the middle of it - you will say it's not. But reflecting back in the future - you may realize differently. Having been there - I realize there is no chance for you to continue as just friends. You've built up this idea of what she is and it's more than a friend. I'm sure at this point it would be difficult to put that genie back in the bottle. You just need to decide is she worth losing the friendship over if it doesn't work out (at this point we are all thinking emotionally and will probably say 'yes'). I don't know what a woman is thinking - that's why I like the forum. Women can tell you what they are thinking. All the reasons she hasn't contacted you are plausible. The good news is 'no' isn't a real 'no' means she's considering it. I'm normally all for contacting again - I think these waiting games are stupid. if you are interested..show your interest. HOWEVER, it's only been since Saturday - I'd give her another day or two first. I'm sure for you it seems like it's been an eternity since Saturday. But she probably really wants some space and wants to take things slow. The first thing you can do is show her you can give her some space. In a couple of days - Wed/Thurs you might consider contacting her. Maybe I'm just a wimp...but I might consider just treating her like you always have. Ask her to do something (that isn't obviously a date). I'm quite sure, if you spend time together..the conversation will naturally progress back to your feelings. This also gives you a chance to see how her body language is to you. What do I know? I'm just a guy..and one who can't figure out the woman I'm interested in. But that's my two cents...lol
TheNewMe2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I disagree..not friend zone until she says so. Then, accept it. If the OP has genuine feelings for her...he should give it a shot and not live with regret. Only reason to stop is if the friendship is vastly more important than the relationship. It's a risk/reward thing. Anything worth it..involves a risk of some sort. 1
Versacehottie Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 So I honestly know several stories of friends that have started similarly and now they are couples or married. I do think you need to respect the week timeframe she set and give her space. It's fine. Make her come to you. It won't change things to try to push her into talking with you whether it's just for normal friends convo or to find out what she has decided. Consider this a transitional period and give her space to figure out she misses you and needs you and how much better her life is with you in it. Also from a pure macho standpoint, i think it's important to look like you can deal with her decision whatever it is, which requires sitting through this waiting period without pushing her for an answer and going on with your life. Mas macho and thus adds to the attraction factor. One of the things that works against friends who then become romantically involved is that they know each other well and their vulnerabilities. With women, seeing a guy friend like that may result in her sometimes feeling you're a pushover or not a challenge enough. A little silence and space shows her you're not. A friend of mine whose story is a mirror of yours, her now husband did same thing. She said she wasn't ready and not sure but came back a month later ready. I think flirting and teasing by BOTH of you is an excellent sign. I see a good result in your future as long as you don't get clingy in this in-between time. Look at it as an investment into the long-term nature of the relationship and be patient.
Woop1337 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Right when she said she needed time to think, it was over. Think about it. If she really like you romantically, what's there to think about? She's inclined to say no but it's not a real no? LOL, wtf does that mean. Did you even ask her on a date? Maybe that's why she has a hard time answering/expressing. From my understanding you only told her how you felt. How and what exactly should her response be? Then again, I'm rationalizing her behavior for you. Which brings me back to my point. If she really likes you like "that". What's to think about? It's going to be hard to move on, because like you said, you are emotionally invested already. Move on. You can do it. 1
Versacehottie Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Right when she said she needed time to think, it was over. Think about it. If she really like you romantically, what's there to think about? She's inclined to say no but it's not a real no? LOL, wtf does that mean. Did you even ask her on a date? Maybe that's why she has a hard time answering/expressing. From my understanding you only told her how you felt. How and what exactly should her response be? Then again, I'm rationalizing her behavior for you. Which brings me back to my point. If she really likes you like "that". What's to think about? It's going to be hard to move on, because like you said, you are emotionally invested already. Move on. You can do it. don't agree. I mean, it is possible of course but actually if she NEVER views the two of them as a couple, she would have been able to answer that right away. Usually when two single people of opposite sex hanging out, I think the thought crosses their minds at some point. If the answer was a straight NO, they are close enough that she would have said it.
Author jackstanton Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 A friend of mine whose story is a mirror of yours, her now husband did same thing. She said she wasn't ready and not sure but came back a month later ready. I think flirting and teasing by BOTH of you is an excellent sign. I see a good result in your future as long as you don't get clingy in this in-between time. Look at it as an investment into the long-term nature of the relationship and be patient. I hope you are right. I have no doubt that some of the posters here are right that we were both in the friend zone, but I felt like she is at least thinking about transitioning. I just have a feeling that the longer she takes to think the less likely it is that she will say yes, but I may be completely off?
Chalkdust89 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Not everyone subscribes to this school of thought, but I, personally, would be uncomfortable dating someone I have confided everything in and who has confided everything in me (assuming you are talking about intimate details of your past relationships like sex and fights and things). I do believe there is such a thing as sharing too much of yourself, and I think it would be weird to know EVERYTHING a partner has been through. She might feel this way too. Or maybe she knows enough about your history with others that she has decided you guys would not be compatible as partners, or she's afraid that she might lose her confidante if you guys date. The way I see it, she needs time to think either because a) she is trying to figure out if it is worth it to potentially lose you as a friend if your relationship didn't work out long term, or b) she is trying to figure out if it's worth it to potentially lose you as a friend if she admits she doesn't share your feelings. This is my own rationale, but of course I hope things work out in your favor!
Author jackstanton Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 So I honestly know several stories of friends that have started similarly and now they are couples or married. I do think you need to respect the week timeframe she set and give her space. It's fine. Make her come to you. It won't change things to try to push her into talking with you whether it's just for normal friends convo or to find out what she has decided. Consider this a transitional period and give her space to figure out she misses you and needs you and how much better her life is with you in it. Also from a pure macho standpoint, i think it's important to look like you can deal with her decision whatever it is, which requires sitting through this waiting period without pushing her for an answer and going on with your life. Mas macho and thus adds to the attraction factor. One of the things that works against friends who then become romantically involved is that they know each other well and their vulnerabilities. With women, seeing a guy friend like that may result in her sometimes feeling you're a pushover or not a challenge enough. A little silence and space shows her you're not. A friend of mine whose story is a mirror of yours, her now husband did same thing. She said she wasn't ready and not sure but came back a month later ready. I think flirting and teasing by BOTH of you is an excellent sign. I see a good result in your future as long as you don't get clingy in this in-between time. Look at it as an investment into the long-term nature of the relationship and be patient. So the past couple weeks have been up and down. After I told her how I felt and she said she needed time to think I stopped contacting her for a few days and then we ran into each other and had an intense conversation where I pushed the issue and she pulled back and said she was feeling pressured and I got upset and essentially ended "it" whatever "it" was. I went no contact, but a week later she called me to tell me that she couldnt handle us not communicating and she was unhappy and we went out once and twice and hung out, although it felt really different than when we were both friends, and we discussed the relationship and it felt like she wanted to say yes, but she is extremely worried based on being hurt in past relationships and I think she is scared to fall in love and get hurt again. We didnt progress with anything, because she had plans to go home to another country for a couple weeks and we got coffee just before she left and it was still a question mark, I wasnt pushing the issue. I got the sense that the sudden attempt on my part to transition from friendship to more freaked her out and she was feeling forced into it, and she needed space to decide on her own what she wants. Its been two weeks since she left and I havent heard from her and I havent reached out, because I am trying to give her space and be respectful of her needs. But I dont know how to interpret the lack of contact from her end. Is this a really bad sign?
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