nadinefleur Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 (edited) This might be a bit of stupid question.. but what do people mean when they ask you what you are looking for? I am never 'looking' for anything, I'm not one of those girls that desperately wants a boyfriend and I don't understand that. How can you desperately want a boyfriend? It's like they will accept any man who also wants a girlfriend and not someone who would necessarily be a good match for them. Wouldn't you rather wait and see who may come into your life? I am happy and fulfilled with my life, but I like meeting new people. If I happen to like someone then I might want to see them more and become what people call 'exclusive', I just think if you really like eachother its a given you are not seeing other people, but I'm not necessarily looking for that. I was recently seeing a guy who I really liked, but I wasn't necessarily hoping he would become my 'boyfriend', I was curious about him and I just wanted to spend time with him and get to know him but I was never looking for a relationship. I think if you are looking for something, you are not necessarily going to find it. I think love just happens, and if you happen to meet someone you like and end up falling in love...then whatever will be will be. I hate how people in society are classified as either single or in a relationship/married. I don't want to label myself as 'single', I am me and if anyone asks then I prefer to say I am not in love with anyone at the moment. Anyway, this is more of a rant than anything else, but was wondering what people's thoughts are on this. Edited February 25, 2014 by nadinefleur
soccerrprp Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 ...what you are looking for when dating? AKA: Are you serious about developing a LTR? Are you just looking to have sex? Do you want a FWB? It is a legitimate question to ask. You may not always get the honest answer, but a reasonable question to ask. 5
central Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I knew/know what I'm looking for. First of all, a long term relationship is my goal, but there may be short term ones along the way that don't work out. The person who can fill the long term role will be intelligent, warm, and compassionate, physically attractive to me and inspire my passions, share my values and have compatible life goals and some shared interests, will also be philosophically/religiously/politically compatible, and must be sexually compatible in terms of style, activities, fetishes (if any), and most of all libido and frequency. I think that covers it.
Tayken Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 My issue is that people want you to settle down with them after two dates....not sure what happened to good old going out on dates and getting to know each other. I have girls all the time who want to know if we are exclusive after a few dates...uh, no, because I barely know you. Ulterior motives.....that is what it is. I mean, it will be easy to just tell them what they want to hear while you keep "tapping it", but am sure you are not that kind of person, and won't be able to sleep at night
soccerrprp Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 My issue is that people want you to settle down with them after two dates....not sure what happened to good old going out on dates and getting to know each other. I have girls all the time who want to know if we are exclusive after a few dates...uh, no, because I barely know you. Well, it doesn't completely surprise me. A lot of players out there, especially guys. Women don't want to be a part of a harem, they want loyal, committed guys. They don't want to be just another sexual partner while the guy decides whether to dump them or not for another girl. If I really like a girl and set on wanting to see where it goes, I would want the same. I would like to know if you are willing to focus your attention on me and see where it goes. I don't think that's unreasonable. You say you won't be exclusive b/c you don't know her, but being exclusive simply means that you are willing to get to know her and only her to see how far the relationship goes. You're still dating. 2
Tayken Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I'm pretty laid back and do not pursue sex. If they want it, they can initiate it with the understanding that we aren't exclusive. I have FWBs that take care of those needs. I don't have to lie to get laid, plus I find it distasteful when guys do stuff like that. Most of the time, after telling girls I am young and just dating for fun, they will say, well, if we aren't exclusive we aren't having sex. I agree with that because well, I can get it elsewhere without the hassle. Then about two weeks later they will say well, I decided I want sex anyway or they will initiate it, and I will be the one to remind them of what they said and they will say they changed their mind. I find that flaky behavior. Better to say nothing and not let me think you don't stand by your word and beliefs. The thought of having sex, has to be a mutual thing...if it's not, then it's not going to be fun at all. So I hear what you are saying Sex is flippin overrated (trust me I have had quality and quantity). FWB does have its place in this, and I am always happy to embrace that.
Author nadinefleur Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 Well, it doesn't completely surprise me. A lot of players out there, especially guys. Women don't want to be a part of a harem, they want loyal, committed guys. They don't want to be just another sexual partner while the guy decides whether to dump them or not for another girl. If I really like a girl and set on wanting to see where it goes, I would want the same. I would like to know if you are willing to focus your attention on me and see where it goes. I don't think that's unreasonable. You say you won't be exclusive b/c you don't know her, but being exclusive simply means that you are willing to get to know her and only her to see how far the relationship goes. You're still dating. If I'm having sex with a guy, I expect us to be exclusive in the sense that he isn't seeing anyone else/having sex with anyone else. But it doesn't necessarily mean I want him to be my boyfriend or want a relationship from him. I just want to see where it goes, get to know him better and just focus my attention on him 1
Author nadinefleur Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 ...what you are looking for when dating? AKA: Are you serious about developing a LTR? Are you just looking to have sex? Do you want a FWB? It is a legitimate question to ask. You may not always get the honest answer, but a reasonable question to ask. But for me it depends on the person. I am never looking for FWB or a LTR, but if I find someone I like, I may wish to pursue something with them...
Author nadinefleur Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 I am definitely not a player. I am honest about my every intention. I date for fun. I am only twenty six and I have no interest in settling down. I am not looking for a relationship. I am very honest about that and yet they try and try and try to get me to go exclusive. Why don't they just stop seeing me? As far as sex goes, I don't actually date for sex as I have friends for that. Girls usually either pursue me for sex or they decide to have sex knowing what my philosophy on dating is. Not every person wants to date for marriage or a long term commitment. As long as you are honest and safe, I don't see why people can't go out and see a play together or have a meal without it being about love and commitment. Dating is fun and stress free this way. I have had gfs and most of these relationships were drama filled and stressful. NicoBlack, I am curious... so do you date multiple women? If you don't have sex with them, and you don't want to pursue a relationship with them... then surely they are just like friends who you hang out with but fancy/kiss? You are the same age as me, so its interesting to see what guys my age take on dating is. I think dating becomes stressful when someone develops feelings and the other person doesn't reciprocate. And well if you end up spending a lot of time with someone love can develop
MissBee Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 (edited) This might be a bit of stupid question.. but what do people mean when they ask you what you are looking for? I am never 'looking' for anything, I'm not one of those girls that desperately wants a boyfriend and I don't understand that. How can you desperately want a boyfriend? It's like they will accept any man who also wants a girlfriend and not someone who would necessarily be a good match for them. Wouldn't you rather wait and see who may come into your life? I am happy and fulfilled with my life, but I like meeting new people. If I happen to like someone then I might want to see them more and become what people call 'exclusive', I just think if you really like eachother its a given you are not seeing other people, but I'm not necessarily looking for that. I was recently seeing a guy who I really liked, but I wasn't necessarily hoping he would become my 'boyfriend', I was curious about him and I just wanted to spend time with him and get to know him but I was never looking for a relationship. I think if you are looking for something, you are not necessarily going to find it. I think love just happens, and if you happen to meet someone you like and end up falling in love...then whatever will be will be. I hate how people in society are classified as either single or in a relationship/married. I don't want to label myself as 'single', I am me and if anyone asks then I prefer to say I am not in love with anyone at the moment. Anyway, this is more of a rant than anything else, but was wondering what people's thoughts are on this. I think it makes perfect sense to ask. I don't think one needs to philosophize about looking for things and it not happening etc. Dating can be: I hope to meet someone to be in a relationship with or I just want fun but have no intention of being committed or I just want FWB or sex or what have you. One of the most important things I learned about dating was that everyone has a different idea about it and different expectations of it and it is important that when you and another person are in the dating scenario together you understand where they are coming from and if you're interested in similar things. This doesn't mean it will happen or that you can "predict love" but love and relationships aren't magic that "just happen" either and you can be intentional so as not to waste time. I see too many people, women esp who want one thing but just date aimlessly and are continuously frustrated or surprised, and when I ask so did you tell him what you were looking for or did he tell you, they either say no or they said they knew "but thought it would change", I think more drama comes about when people don't ask these things. I date right now with the hopes of finding someone I consider special with whom I can have a good relationship that leads to commitment and maybe even marriage. Can I predict that when I meet a man? No. But it helps me to weed men out when they make it clear they are only looking for something casual or when we are incompatible I don't waste time getting attached. If it doesn't work out as I'm dating then meeting some cool people and having a nice day/evening out is no loss either, but at this point I'm not dating just because I want to go out with someone for the sake of it. I go out a lot with friends and do lots of great things on my own so dating for me is with the hopes of finding a meaningful relationship and not just because I wanna go somewhere with a man or as some men on LS seem to think "get a free meal" Edited February 25, 2014 by MissBee
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 This might be a bit of stupid question.. but what do people mean when they ask you what you are looking for? They mean what are your intention on this dating website. Are you on here to hook up, casually date, or you are serious about finding a LTR. I am in the category of LTR, of course I am not going to find that in the first man I meet, I will take my time and look for someone compatible. That someone will have to want the same as me a LTR so we don't waste each others time. If I want a LTR why would I waste my time going out with someone who wants hook ups with no strings attached? It's just common sense. I want to meet someone compatible with me to build a long lasting relationship, it's cligny and needy to you? Not sure I follow you. From what you describe you want to casually date, and you're open for it to develop into something more if the right person comes along. So here's your answer. That's your purpose on the dating website.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I think it's very beneficial to get clear with yourself and romantic prospects about what you're looking for. If you're looking for fun without commitment, just be direct about that. You will find some prospects. If you're looking for an exclusive boyfriend but have no timeline for marriage, be direct about it. You will find prospects. And if you're looking for a husband and father of your children, be direct about it. You will find prospects. I just told a 29-year-old that I've dated a few times that I don't see potential for anything romantic between us, because we're at different life stages. I'm at the stage of looking for a husband and father of my children, and I'm going to focus on that for the next year or two. He's at a different stage, just starting to develop himself and his career - where I was 10-15 years ago. I could tell he appreciated my directness and honesty. This is the first time in my life that I've been 100% clear with myself and men about what I want, and it feels great. Before, I always had the vague idea that I wanted a lasting relationship that led to marriage, but I wasn't clear enough with myself and in my selection process. So I found myself in OK or even good relationships, but not any that I saw going the distance. I have found that when you're very clear with yourself and men about what you want, if they're interested in the same and interested in you, they do their best to give it to you. It's good for you and for them for you to be clear and honest. 2
Frogwife Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I agree with Ruby. I was married and after I separated from my husband, I had two FWBs one in particular spanning about 2.5 years while I was going through my "I don't want to be in a relationship because I'm dealing with the end of my marriage" phase. When I was done with that period of my life, I ended the FWB and three weeks later, I met my now-boyfriend at a meeting at work (we are both professors at the same university). On our first date he asked what I wanted and I said "I am looking for a boyfriend - someone I can go out to dinner with, go on vacation with, to the movies with, etc". Period. We were on the same page and eight months later, we live together and are really happy. And we do all of those things together - go out, travel, etc. (we just got back from three weeks in Iran!). You cannot go wrong with being direct and asking for what you want. 2
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I am similar to you... when I'm single and dating I'm not really 'looking' for anything, just some fun with dating, meet new people. But if someone really special appears, I'm willing to become exclusive after a little while, and eventually get together officially. If a relationship doesn't come out of dating that's fine because it wasn't my initial intention. So I would probably just respond 'I'm not sure right now, I'm just enjoying meeting people. If the right person comes along I'm ready to take things further, but if not that's cool too' My current very new relationship (and who knows where they're going to go!) things were getting a little hot and heavy and I knew I didn't want to be intimate with him unless we were officially together, because I liked him too much for casual, I knew it would hurt a lot if we slept together and then we didn't end up dating properly. So I stopped things and simply said 'I just want you to know I'm not looking for casual sex' and then we carried on watching the movie and talking and enjoyed the rest of the night. A day or so later he told me via text 'just so you know, I'm not looking for casual either. I think we're both on the same page there!' and a couple of dates later he asked me if I'd be his girlfriend. 2
Tayken Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I agree with Ruby. I was married and after I separated from my husband, I had two FWBs one in particular spanning about 2.5 years while I was going through my "I don't want to be in a relationship because I'm dealing with the end of my marriage" phase. When I was done with that period of my life, I ended the FWB and three weeks later, I met my now-boyfriend at a meeting at work (we are both professors at the same university). On our first date he asked what I wanted and I said "I am looking for a boyfriend - someone I can go out to dinner with, go on vacation with, to the movies with, etc". Period. We were on the same page and eight months later, we live together and are really happy. And we do all of those things together - go out, travel, etc. (we just got back from three weeks in Iran!). You cannot go wrong with being direct and asking for what you want. I am sure you've heard the saying...."don't crap where you work" right? I mean with all the arrondissements in Paris, surely there are a lot of viable men to choose from? Hopefully nothing goes wrong, and you too still have to work together
Frogwife Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I am sure you've heard the saying...."don't crap where you work" right? I mean with all the arrondissements in Paris, surely there are a lot of viable men to choose from? Hopefully nothing goes wrong, and you too still have to work together Wow, looks like your a Loveshack pro! Thanks for your advice... we'll be sure to let you know if anything goes wrong... first year's been go so far...
Tayken Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Wow, looks like your a Loveshack pro! Thanks for your advice... we'll be sure to let you know if anything goes wrong... first year's been go so far... Anybody can paint a picture of perfection to suit their case....but reality is the side I always tend to lean towards. Bonsoir madame
soccerrprp Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 When someone responds "I'm not (really) looking for anything" when ask what are you looking for, I find that to be the most incredulous answer to hear. EVERYONE has an idea of they want in a relationship. If you want to just date, watch movies together, hang out, whatever....that pretty much defines what you want. This is just another way of saying I want a FWB. All types of relationship wants can be defined and articulated...of course you know what you want, however amorphous of design it may be.
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 When someone responds "I'm not (really) looking for anything" when ask what are you looking for, I find that to be the most incredulous answer to hear. EVERYONE has an idea of they want in a relationship. If you want to just date, watch movies together, hang out, whatever....that pretty much defines what you want. This is just another way of saying I want a FWB. All types of relationship wants can be defined and articulated...of course you know what you want, however amorphous of design it may be. I think many people are aware that they won't feel like a relationship until somebody comes along who is just too good an opportunity to pass them by... I mean, I wasn't looking for an exclusive relationship but I've found myself in one, precisely because I met somebody more awesome than I could have imagined after a difficult breakup last year, and I didn't want to let him go. I honestly don't think most people know WHAT they want until the opportunity presents itself...
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