My dad put down a $10,000 retainer for a lawyer to avoid paying for my education

[Janesays]

Well, I am someone who DID work and put myself through college....

 

 

.....And I don't think I was the least bit better off for it.

 

I already had a decent work ethic. That was reflected in my grades and the part time job I had through high school and the chore around the house I maintained. The only thing working full time through college got me was...a longer time IN college (Since I kept having to take semesters off or a lighter course load to cope with burn out), grades not as good as I could have gotten so less opportunity for scholarships (significantly less physical time to study), and a boat load of debt. (There's a reason why I am JUST NOW having my first child at 35...it took me that long to get my financial ducks in a row)

 

Basically, having zero help from parents only started me out in life miles behind the other kids. I spent a good decade after college trying to catch up to my peers.

 

So yes, I do believe parents should pitch in for college. OP's father is a jerk.

[Heart of Dixie]

Grumps, I respectfully disagree with your statements. (1) NONE of us here "KNOW" what/if anything is in the CUSTODY agreement. So jumping to a side only spoken by the adolecence is already set to be partial/bias. Keep an open mind. A Divorce decree is NOT the same as the Custody agreement.

And this is a life lesson whether you care to agree or not. She does NOT have a choice in who her parents are, so she can choose to Disown her Dad over this or "learn" to find other ways to gain a higher education. Short of what is really written in the CUSTODY agreement, the father has the right to contest it. Unless its court ordered he doesnt have to "work" this out with his daughter. She is of legal age from what I understand. Her perspective is just that, her perspective. Which she has a right to convey. She also has a right to stand on her own two feet. How in Gosh's name is she ever going to learn independent life choices if Daddy is going to need to provide. I'm sure he gave much in child support so lets not label him a complete loser. Her mother bares responsibility too in the contribution to her education if its in the CUSTODY agreement. I say this as a Parent who raised two sons without their father, so I understand the system. My kids got scholarships and internships thru college and graduated with masters. A custody decree didnt stop them. Yet this Young Lass is using the decree to fault her father. Carhill made some valid and truthfull statements.

 

There is no separate custody agreement. Custody arrangements were written into the divorce decree. It was an "at fault" divorce with my father at fault. AFAIK, the divorce decree is legally binding and he can be held in contempt of court for violating its terms.

 

I already work and have a scholarship.I would have no problem with him deciding not pay IF AND ONLY IF he was willing to do the same with my stepsister and my half-brother, but that's not the case. He is willing to pay for their education and not mine. I don't think it's selfish to want to be treated with at least half the love and respect he treats his other children.

 

He abandoned me when I needed him the most. My mom was so weak from the chemo that she could barely get out of bed some days and he just walked out the door, leaving his 14 year old daughter behind to care for her sick mother. Caring for her was supposed to be HIS JOB, not the job of a high school freshman. He promised me after the divorce that I was always be his little girl and nothing would come between us. I don't think he should be allowed to break yet another promise.

[Heart of Dixie]

this man is a douche. sorry you have such a horrible father. i am curious, what type of relationship did you have with him and step mother before this all happened? it seems like you guys are close that you talk a lot. people change when money and power is on the line, however

 

I had a good relationship with my dad before he left. He was always the "fun" parent, and I was definitely daddy's little girl. My stepmother tried to be me "friend" at first, but I was not nice to her. They got married a month after my parents' divorce, and I was a moody teenager with a lot on my plate. I didn't like having her or my stepsister around because I didn't get to spend any alone time with my dad. I don't think my reaction was unreasonable or abnormal given the circumstances. I think it's abnormal that an adult woman insists on holding a grudge for as long as she has. I was a teenager acting like.... a teenager.

 

I don't understand her hatred for my mom either. She got her man. I think she may be jealous because my mom made a lot of self-improvement efforts after her treatment. She started going to the gym and lost a lot of weight, and she looks better than my stepmom now, who has only gained weight since having my half-brother and has fake boobs and collagen-injected lips that make her look like Coco. My mom has also been in a happy relationship for about a year and a half now. My stepmom is pretty materialistic, so I think the fact that he is a doctor who makes more money than my dad bothers her. In a sense, my mom lost the battle but won the war. I think that drives her crazy.

[writergal]

There is no separate custody agreement. Custody arrangements were written into the divorce decree. It was an "at fault" divorce with my father at fault. AFAIK, the divorce decree is legally binding and he can be held in contempt of court for violating its terms.

 

I already work and have a scholarship.I would have no problem with him deciding not pay IF AND ONLY IF he was willing to do the same with my stepsister and my half-brother, but that's not the case. He is willing to pay for their education and not mine. I don't think it's selfish to want to be treated with at least half the love and respect he treats his other children.

 

He abandoned me when I needed him the most. My mom was so weak from the chemo that she could barely get out of bed some days and he just walked out the door, leaving his 14 year old daughter behind to care for her sick mother. Caring for her was supposed to be HIS JOB, not the job of a high school freshman. He promised me after the divorce that I was always be his little girl and nothing would come between us. I don't think he should be allowed to break yet another promise.

 

That reason alone is enough for him to pay for your college tuition and then some. He abandoned you at 14 with no thought for your well-being, let alone his sick ex-wife's health. If he doesn't pay for your college then he's legally "at fault" as well as morally. If he pays for your step-siblings education and not yours, I think you should take him to court and not feel guilty about it.

 

I'm so sorry you have a jerk for a father.

[Heart of Dixie]

A lot of people have advised me to cut them both out of my life, but I am hesitant to go that route because I worry about both my stepsister and my half-brother being in that house. My stepsister and I have become close, and I worry about her because she has a lot of emotional problems. As I mentioned before, she has been in trouble with the law before and has a history of hanging out with the wrong type of crowd. She also has a history of self-harm, which her and I have bonded over because I used to cut as well. I feel like I'm the only good influence in her life right now and that she will fall back on bad habits if I cut ties. While she is under their roof, the only way I have access to her is through them. I can email her and message her on facebook, but her mom will probably take her computer away if she finds out she's contacting me. I'm thinking maybe could I could buy her one of those cell phones that buy you minutes with cards on that she could hide somewhere. That might be a good Plan B. Any other ideas?

 

I'm going to start some pros and cons lists of my options to try and think things through more. That has always helped me in the past.

[gaius]

It's situations like this that make me sad we aren't more honest about things. I think I respect my dad more for just being honest about not giving a **** by not answering my letter, more so than my mom who would fake it whenever she needed something. Or just because society said she was supposed to. It must be incredibly frustrating to have to deal with your dad doing stuff like that while at the same time telling you you'll "always be his little girl".

 

Heart, do whatever you have to do to keep in touch with your step siblings if you feel you need to. But to be honest mine eventually adapted the attitude my parents had for me. I don't talk to them anymore either. Nigga can't escape the plantation.

[Tayla]

There is no separate custody agreement. Custody arrangements were written into the divorce decree. It was an "at fault" divorce with my father at fault. AFAIK, the divorce decree is legally binding and he can be held in contempt of court for violating it.

 

I wasn't born yesterday, that is misinformation. Look up proper procedures for your state. Never do divorce decrees carry the child custody mandates. Short of what you are assuming. You are wrong. Go to your local library and read up on case law. Doesnt matter how the divorce judge ordered on the divorce decree. Its the verbiage in the child custody agreement that can be contested.which yes if either party does not uphold the family judges ruling then contempt can be investigated.Since you don't have the document in hand to read what it says and have a legal expert decipher, then the fact remains , its unknown what all is to be provided to you education wise. Get legal counsel and take your mom along.

[writergal]

Tayla there's no need to be so rude to the OP. Unless you live in her state, have access to her lawyer's phone number and were in the courtroom when her parents divorced, you have no right to snipe at the OP about the legalities of her parents' divorce. The OP has already responded to your post now leave it be.

[Heart of Dixie]

I wasn't born yesterday, that is misinformation. Look up proper procedures for your state. Never do divorce decrees carry the child custody mandates. Short of what you are assuming. You are wrong. Go to your local library and read up on case law. Doesnt matter how the divorce judge ordered on the divorce decree. Its the verbiage in the child custody agreement that can be contested.which yes if either party does not uphold the family judges ruling then contempt can be investigated.Since you don't have the document in hand to read what it says and have a legal expert decipher, then the fact remains , its unknown what all is to be provided to you education wise. Get legal counsel and take your mom along.

 

The document looks similar to this: http://www.courts.state.hi.us/docs/form/maui/2FE067.pdf

 

The custody arrangement was written into the divorce decree. There is a section where it says that each parent must pay for 50% of my college expenses in addition to things like who is required to provide my health insurance and the breakdown of time spent with each parent.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

I spoke with my dad last night. He has not put down the retainer yet, but he and my stepmom have "talked" about this and already spoken to a lawyer. "Their" reasoning is that I am a spoiled brat who needs to learn the value of hard work and money. When I asked how he expects me to pay for this, he told me to get a job. After I reminded him I already have one, he told me to get a second one.

 

I also spoke with my stepmom who went on and on about how she doesn't agree with how my mother raised me, which is pretty rich considering the fact that my 16 year old stepsister already has already been arrested for shoplifting twice! Obviously she is the epitome of good parenting here.

 

I ended up saying a lot of things out of anger, some I regret and some I don't. My dad has tried calling me a few times since then but I haven't answered. I think I would be happier to never speak to him again. I also find myself thinking of petty revenge scenarios like becoming a stripper just because I know it would upset him. He wants me to work a second job? I'll work one.

 

I told my mom about everything after I got off the phone with them. I was crying and raging the whole time, but she made me feel better. She has a stressful job, and I hate her having to worry about me on top of everything. She said that she thinks my dad is bluffing, but she'll hire an attorney if the time comes.

 

I have so many thoughts right now that I don't know what to feel. I don't think my dad loves me

 

I would take out loans before I would take a dime from him, ever again. Cut him off. Let him have the bitch and her hellion children. He can go fly a damn kite in an electrical storm.

 

While I don't think that stripping is necessarily a horrible thing to do, I think that you need to think good and hard about that. Don't get petty revenge on him. He is not worth it. Get your education and a good job and have a good life, and do not include him at all. Living well is the best revenge. If he ever had a heart, which I honestly do not think that he does, he will live to regret dropping his child like a bad habit. Or not.

 

At any rate, do not let him stop you from having a nice life.

 

Sweetie, he is an *******. He does not love you. Stop trying to get him to love you and act like a father to you. Being the sick selfish whore HE is, he only cares about the piece of ass, his whore he left your sick mother forand her kids, not you.

 

Face it, accept it, and show him you don't need him.

 

My dad did not care about me either. It is hard, but one day I just didn't care anymore. He died the lonely old man as I told him he would. I have no guilt or regret whatsoever. It was totally his loss.

 

I absolutely hate people who do this to their kids. I hope that he never has another moment's peace and happiness in his lifetime.

 

This is your dad's loss. I would no longer have contact. I would not apologize for anything said either. Just move on and do something with your life, and show him how little he is actually needed by you. You can do it.

[preraph]

I imagine those agreements are available to look up in the court records. It will be under ______ vs. _______ I assume and those being your parents' names. You can call your county and google for your county name's record clerk and call and ask them how to go about getting a copy of the divorce decree AND child custody agreement. You will probably have to pay a very small fee. If he is welching on any written agreement, you can take him to court.

[VeronicaRoss]

So, they are 'thinking' about this and the stepmom leaked -- what manipulative, nasty excuses for parents. What they're really doing is sending you a message. They think it's "grow up" but it's really "we're two messed up human beings that you should distance yourself from as much as possible so you can live a normal life -- here's your warning shot now."

 

And I get the stripper thing. But in a perverse way who you would really dancing for your dad -- you'd be dancing for him, trying to send him a message -- as messed up as the one he's sending to you.

 

Strippers don't look at men or feel the same the same way about them again, you don't want to do that to your future husband and kids.

[Heart of Dixie]

I wanted to thank everyone again for the advice I've gotten. It's been hard, but I haven't spoken to my "dad" since that conversation. He keeps trying to get in touch with me and has even called my mom to try and have her talk to me for him

 

At this point, I think he will go through with challenging the decree when he eventually realizes he's blown his relationship with me. He is the type of person to pull a "you can't fire me! i quit" kind of thing.

 

I do have good news though! My mom's boyfriend called me last night and asked for my blessing because he wants to propose to my mom next weekend. He bought two plane tickets to Tobago and has rented a villa there for them. I saw pictures of the place online and its gorgeous! He also arranged with her boss so that she has next week off (she is a nurse at the hospital where he works). She doesn't know any of this is happening, so it will be a surprise on friday when she finds out. I am coming home this weekend to secretly pack a bag of her things for him so that they can leave for the airport straight from the hospital. I am very happy and excited for her, and I hope that none of her coworkers spoil the surprise if they find out about it. I am having a hard enough time resisting the urge to spill the beans myself! I think my faith in humanity has been restored

[Noproblem]

Why would you want to be with a dad like that.

 

 

My family are so poor, but still help us with our education!

Education is expensive!

[Noproblem]

I wanted to thank everyone again for the advice I've gotten. It's been hard, but I haven't spoken to my "dad" since that conversation. He keeps trying to get in touch with me and has even called my mom to try and have her talk to me for him

 

At this point, I think he will go through with challenging the decree when he eventually realizes he's blown his relationship with me. He is the type of person to pull a "you can't fire me! i quit" kind of thing.

 

I do have good news though! My mom's boyfriend called me last night and asked for my blessing because he wants to propose to my mom next weekend. He bought two plane tickets to Tobago and has rented a villa there for them. I saw pictures of the place online and its gorgeous! He also arranged with her boss so that she has next week off (she is a nurse at the hospital where he works). She doesn't know any of this is happening, so it will be a surprise on friday when she finds out. I am coming home this weekend to secretly pack a bag of her things for him so that they can leave for the airport straight from the hospital. I am very happy and excited for her, and I hope that none of her coworkers spoil the surprise if they find out about it. I am having a hard enough time resisting the urge to spill the beans myself! I think my faith in humanity has been restored

 

 

I am so happy for your mother

 

Hope you find happiness and peace always

[nescafe1982]

OP I think most of what i would have said is covered here already, but here's my $0.02 anyway:

 

1) You are not a "spoiled brat who needs to learn the value of a the dollar." If that were the case, your father would be taking away incidentals, not attempting to kick your legs out from under you as you progress to adulthood. Seriously, paying for a child's education isn't "spoiling" them. It's to make certain things possible that wouldn't otherwise be. As someone who had to work through school (my parents stole a fund my grandmother set aside for my education), I missed out on a lot of opportunities as a result of not being able to "commit" to being in school.

 

2) Therefore, talk to your mom and fight this tooth and nail. Your father sounds like a terrible, selfish person, and he should not be allowed to make your life more difficult because he changed his mind about paying for school.

 

3) Stepmom sounds poisonous. I wouldn't even speak to her anymore... even if you reestablish a relationship with dad down the road.

 

4) whatever happens with dad... I think freezing him out is the right thing to do for now. He seems manipulative (e.g. blaming you for his selfish decision was self-serving and manipulative) and if you're going to fight this thing in court, you don't need that. Whether you pick up the relationship later down the road or not (totally up to you), right now I think not speaking with him is absolutely the right thing to do.

 

Good luck. I hope you get your tuition funds.

[pink_sugar]

I feel for you, OP. My dad spent a ton of money to help his now ex-wife get her daughter into this country "because he felt sorry for her" and didn't want to spend a dime on helping my brother and I out. While I realize after 18 you are an adult, most decent parents should help their kids with college expenses given that you pretty much need a degree or to go into trade school to get anywhere these days.

[Fugu]

Ouch

 

I think you're right. He contributes to my stepsister's college savings fund even tho she's not his bio daughter. I guess I'm not good enough to be part of his "new" family. Finances are not a problem for them. My dad makes a lot of money. They are able to live very comfortably without my stepmom having to have a job. It just hurts because $10,000 would probably cover 65% of my education, and he would rather spend it fighting to keep money from me than helping me. My tuition is maybe $2500 a year + books. I also work part time to pay my rent and living expenses, but I don't always make enough money to pay for everything so my mom helps me out there too. She doesn't want me to have to take out loans if I can avoid them.

 

You accept the new reality, and you remember who butters your bread - and who doesn't. Actually, this is probably one of the greatest experiences you'll ever have in your life. Use this experience in all of your future relationships with people, whether it's a co-worker, the guy sitting next to you on the cross-country flight, or your future partner.

[Fugu]

I wanted to thank everyone again for the advice I've gotten. It's been hard, but I haven't spoken to my "dad" since that conversation. He keeps trying to get in touch with me and has even called my mom to try and have her talk to me for him

 

At this point, I think he will go through with challenging the decree when he eventually realizes he's blown his relationship with me. He is the type of person to pull a "you can't fire me! i quit" kind of thing.

 

I do have good news though! My mom's boyfriend called me last night and asked for my blessing because he wants to propose to my mom next weekend. He bought two plane tickets to Tobago and has rented a villa there for them. I saw pictures of the place online and its gorgeous! He also arranged with her boss so that she has next week off (she is a nurse at the hospital where he works). She doesn't know any of this is happening, so it will be a surprise on friday when she finds out. I am coming home this weekend to secretly pack a bag of her things for him so that they can leave for the airport straight from the hospital. I am very happy and excited for her, and I hope that none of her coworkers spoil the surprise if they find out about it. I am having a hard enough time resisting the urge to spill the beans myself! I think my faith in humanity has been restored

 

Don't cut him out of the picture completely. Just have a frank conversation with him at some point. Point out to him that he spent more on hiring a lawyer to prevent your education than he spent on your education itself. Just ask him, "What am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to feel?"