the_entertainer1 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Nearly two years ago, I started up a friendship with a guy on the other side of the world. Literally. I wasn't looking for it. He contacted me after I'd posted a question on Yahoo Answers, wanting to know whether I'd resolved the issue I was asking about. We spent a couple of months emailing back and forth, before gradually moving to IM where we could have proper chats. Half the time we didn't talk about anything in particular, but he's older than me (he's 48, I'm 24) and married and sort of took on an advisory role when it came to things of a romantic nature. I'm not very experienced when it comes to that stuff - I've never even had a proper boyfriend before and am still a virgin (by choice, but I still don't like telling people, lol.) So this man's insight became very useful to me. Over time, things took a bit of a sexual turn ... I don't know how he "convinced" me, because I was initially extremely shy and reluctant, but it gradually turned into a more sexual relationship. Well, cybersex, that is. It began with him creating fantasies about someone I liked in RL, but soon transitioned to things just between him and me. I felt guilty a lot, but I liked the attention because, for whatever reason, I wasn't getting it in RL. After eight or nine months, we revealed our faces to each other and began video chatting. Soon after that, he admitted that he had feelings for me, and indeed, that he loved me. I was confused and didn't really know what I felt. Certainly, I was fond of him and enjoyed talking to him, but it wasn't until a few months later I realised that I had fallen in love with him. It was just so great being able to talk so freely - perhaps the first time I've ever really been so completely open with anyone before. And he accepted me just the way I was. During this time, he was encouraging me to meet other guys - ones who were closer to my own age and location. I even signed up for a dating site, and he'd always give me 'guy tips' and insight into the guys' minds. However, when I told him that I felt the same way about him as he did me, he got a bit worried. He was concerned that he was distracting me from RL opportunities, and that I was focusing more on him than I was on the guys I was dating. We've fought a lot over the last year. I insisted that I was fine, and we both kept indulging (in cybersex) because it felt good. For me, also, it was a "safe" environment to experiment in. He insisted that I was becoming too invested (and perhaps I was) and there were a few times when we both tried to end things ... unsuccessfully. Anyway ... in December last year he had some bad luck where he lost his job. This caused him to want to take a step back to re-evaluate his life. I said that was fine. We stopped communicating daily, stopped the IM and video-chats and went down to one email a week (if that). We also decided to end the sexual aspect of our relationship. He said it was getting too hard because he wanted to meet me in RL (even though he thought that doing that would be bad for me ... well, bad for both of us.) A couple of nights ago, we talked through IM for the first time in about 2 months. It was mostly normal, but we ended up having an argument. I was being petty (but it was 2am and I was tired) and sent him an email (where I accused him of being insensitive and manipulative - but I had overreacted because of my tired state). He responded, saying that given the circumstances, he didn't think we could be friends anymore. I feel really ****ty and messed up about the whole thing. This was my first "real" relationship ... if you can call it real. It suppose it was real in the sense that it was the most intimate I've ever been with anybody before. I'm still trying to make it work with other, RL guys, but I just keep thinking about how I messed up this thing and wonder "if I couldn't get that relationship right, how can I make this real one work?" I'm terrified of being hurt again and find it really hard to open up to guys ... I think this relationship actually ended up making that worse. Re-reading this, I sound like a bit of a nutcase. If you met me, you wouldn't suspect a thing, lol. I've had a normal ... well, probably privileged, upbringing. My parents are still together and have been good relationship models. I've been to uni and have a full time job. I really want to maintain my friendship with this guy though. I'm ok with ending the sexual aspect - we'd given each other 2 months' worth of space over Dec/Jan/Feb. I feel like I wrecked everything in less than half an hour. I've emailed to apologise (twice in two days since it happened); I just really don't want to lose him as a confidant, advisor and friend. I'm just so confused and lost and just sad, really. Does anyone have any words of wisdom?
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Yup. But you won't like them. If he's married, you have no business being in his life, or he, in yours. He's closed off communication. I think you need to chalk this up to (bad) experience, and move on, older, wiser and more savvy. Twice your age, and married? Not a good combination at all, really. 4
Author the_entertainer1 Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 (edited) Yup. But you won't like them. If he's married, you have no business being in his life, or he, in yours. He's closed off communication. I think you need to chalk this up to (bad) experience, and move on, older, wiser and more savvy. Twice your age, and married? Not a good combination at all, really. Haha, yeah I know. It just sort of happened when I wasn't looking for or expecting it, crept up on me, to the point where it almost overtook me. For the record, I'm not trying to absolve myself of blame when I say that. I know something like this takes two people. Maybe because of my lack of life experience, I couldn't recognise the signs as clearly? I don't know. Then I just liked the attention too much, I think! Edited February 25, 2014 by the_entertainer1
HairTie Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I can understand when you meet a guy in person, cross boundaris, develop feelings, and have a hard time letting go. But in your situation? Consider yourself lucky. You never met him, you never lost your virginity to him, contracted any std/sti from him, and really, dodged a bullet. If you want someone to connect with, if you want attention, find someone else online. There are a million guys out there who are just like him. Find someone NOT married. Why are you sacrifcing the good in you for mediocrity? I know it probably feels like your days are "empty" witout messages from him, but you can EASILY replace him.
Snipercatt Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Does anyone have any words of wisdom? Your picker is totally busted. Example, he's older than me (he's 48, I'm 24) and married Just like the 54 year old married co-worker before this fella. I felt guilty a lot, but I liked the attention Guilt is a warning sign, heed it. Liking validation to the point of getting yourself in trouble is a personal flaw. Fix it. I've never even had a proper boyfriend before Why do you suppose that is? It isn't because of intelligence, or amibition, or your career, it has mostly to do with personality. So, what is it?
nais Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 He is seeing the reality of your situation and it is time you note it as well. You cannot be real time with one another so let it fall away. Pick up on what you learned, if your words disturbed you email an apology but concede to his resolve. Growing pains, this may come again but it is time to find out how you will deal with love. Either you will become stronger, grow, or you will lose strength. 1
Author the_entertainer1 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 Your picker is totally busted. Example, Just like the 54 year old married co-worker before this fella. Yeah - but nothing actually ever happened with that guy. Quote: I've never even had a proper boyfriend before Why do you suppose that is? It isn't because of intelligence, or amibition, or your career, it has mostly to do with personality. So, what is it? If I knew, it wouldn't still be a problem, would it?
Author the_entertainer1 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 He is seeing the reality of your situation and it is time you note it as well. You cannot be real time with one another so let it fall away. Pick up on what you learned, if your words disturbed you email an apology but concede to his resolve. Growing pains, this may come again but it is time to find out how you will deal with love. Either you will become stronger, grow, or you will lose strength. Thanks - great words of wisdom. I made a choice to be stronger and grow
experiencethedevine Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 You might be wise to seek out some real interactions with the opposite sex to ground your reality firmly. Cybersex is an unhealthy alternative to developing social skills with men you are attracted to by physically being amongst them in a social setting. Find some great places to hang out with your chums, and do a little 'people watching'. See what happens. Older men will see an opportunity, not a commitment.
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