the_entertainer1 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I'm sort-of dating this guy. We're both pretty busy (me especially) and have only been on 3 dates since we met on NYE. The last time we saw each other was on Valentine's Day. It was also when we had our first kiss. So yeah, we're taking things slowly. We had arranged to see each other on Sunday, but I wasn't feeling well so had to reschedule for this Thursday. Most of our communication has occurred through text/facebook private message. His phone wasn't sending/receiving some messages, so we decided to switch to Facebook chat. From my point of view, the benefit of this is that you can see if/when the other person has read your mail. Anyway, I suggested a couple of things that we could do on Thursday. He said they sounded great, and proceeded to continue with another conversation. I replied, but haven't heard from him since Sunday morning. It's now Tuesday night. The things I suggested we do need some organisation (getting tickets, etc.) so I want to try and do tonight rather than cram it in tomorrow with everything else I have to do. I'm a bit worried that he's lost interest, but I want to avoid seeming clingy. So, I want to text/Facebook him: "Haven't heard from you for a little while - is everything ok? Have you just not had a chance to check your messages, or are you doing that thing where guys stop responding to messages when they don't want to see a girl anymore? :P" Thoughts? I really need some help!
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Yeah - hell, why not?? It can only go one of two ways, can't it?? If you get absolutely NO reply at all.... well, I'd make alternate plans for Thursday, that's all......
Author the_entertainer1 Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 Yeah - hell, why not?? It can only go one of two ways, can't it?? If you get absolutely NO reply at all.... well, I'd make alternate plans for Thursday, that's all...... Lol - I like your attitude. But then I wonder ... if I send what I suggested, is that putting words in his mouth/ideas in his head? lol
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 No - I think it's refreshingly direct! Alex Polizzi, the grand-daughter of Lord Forte the Hotel magnate, approached her 'to-be' husband (the first time she met him) with: "So - when are we going to get down and dirty, you and I?" Forward - but reader - she married him!! So, just get straight to the point. I would. After all, it cuts out a whole load of 'guess-work' crap.... 1
almond Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 It might come across as a bit paranoid or clingy - it's only been two days! You guys are taking it slow so that's not really unusual. I'd just message him asking about the plans re: Thurs, and tell him that you'll be flat out tomorrow so want to buy tickets tonight if the plans are going ahead... 2
Emilia Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 seen someone 3 times in 2 months? you are both wasting each other's time. 11
mammasita Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 "Haven't heard from you, need to buy tickets. Are we still on?" Simple. 5
Author the_entertainer1 Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 It might come across as a bit paranoid or clingy - it's only been two days! You guys are taking it slow so that's not really unusual. I'd just message him asking about the plans re: Thurs, and tell him that you'll be flat out tomorrow so want to buy tickets tonight if the plans are going ahead... Ok, so I took this advice when messaging him. He said he hadn't been feeling too well, hadn't checked Facebook, and apologised if he'd missed any messages I'd sent. Anyway, we're making plans for Friday night now instead A question though - if you were excited about the person you were seeing, wouldn't you make more of an effort to contact them? Or do guys work differently to girls? I know he got out of a 4 year relationship about 6 months ago, so perhaps he's wanting to take things slowly?
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Yeah but....there's 'slow' and there's....S...........................L.......................O............................W..... I hadn't immediately appreciated just how far apart your dates were. If you want to formulate a good, strong meaningful relationship, even to begin with, a couple of times a week is something you should be aiming for..... 2
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Ok, so I took this advice when messaging him. He said he hadn't been feeling too well, hadn't checked Facebook, and apologised if he'd missed any messages I'd sent. That is a BS Excuse, we all get notifications on our phone when a FB message comes in, we can even read that message from our phone while the message in FB remains unread on your end. A question though - if you were excited about the person you were seeing, wouldn't you make more of an effort to contact them? Or do guys work differently to girls? I know he got out of a 4 year relationship about 6 months ago, so perhaps he's wanting to take things slowly? Ok HUGE red flags here. If you are serious about finding someone don't date men freshly out of relationships. You will only be one of his numerous rebound girls. No, he is not seriously interested in you, he's just hanging out with you. When a man is interested he keeps regular contact and he's constant in his actions. Two dates in 2 months is not dating, it's hanging out with someone. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 That is a BS Excuse, we all get notifications on our phone when a FB message comes in, we can even read that message from our phone while the message in FB remains unread on your end. Ok HUGE red flags here. If you are serious about finding someone don't date men freshly out of relationships. You will only be one of his numerous rebound girls. No, he is not seriously interested in you, he's just hanging out with you. When a man is interested he keeps regular contact and he's constant in his actions. Two dates in 2 months is not dating, it's hanging out with someone. I need to interject for a moment and refute that - I do not have FB on my phone, never have and likely never will. So it is indeed possible that he didn't see the messages; not all of us are hooked up to FB 24/7. I agree with the other points being made in this thread though. Three dates in 2 months is not what I'd consider dating. It's very casually hanging out. If you want to step it up, let him know that. Otherwise, I wouldn't expect much more to come of this. 1
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I would like to clarify about the FB. I go on FB once a week I am too old to be hooked on social networks. When you create your FB account it's asking you for an email address. Each time someone sends you a message on FB a notification is sent to that email, and in that notification is a copy of the message. You don't need FB on your phone. You just need to be set up to receive your emails on your smart phone (who doesn't) nowadays. I have a friend who'd send FB messages to this man she was dating. She kept telling me that the man would never read her messages. I told her he read all of them in his email account. She did not understand what I was talking about so I tested it with her. I told her to send me a FB message. Two minutes later I was telling her word for word what her message said even though I had not logged on FB at all. Not from my pc, not from a phone. And I was right, the man did read all her messages from his email account, he did not log on FB to gain time, he let her believe he was not reading her messages.
MissBee Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I'm sort-of dating this guy. We're both pretty busy (me especially) and have only been on 3 dates since we met on NYE. The last time we saw each other was on Valentine's Day. It was also when we had our first kiss. So yeah, we're taking things slowly. We had arranged to see each other on Sunday, but I wasn't feeling well so had to reschedule for this Thursday. Most of our communication has occurred through text/facebook private message. His phone wasn't sending/receiving some messages, so we decided to switch to Facebook chat. From my point of view, the benefit of this is that you can see if/when the other person has read your mail. Anyway, I suggested a couple of things that we could do on Thursday. He said they sounded great, and proceeded to continue with another conversation. I replied, but haven't heard from him since Sunday morning. It's now Tuesday night. The things I suggested we do need some organisation (getting tickets, etc.) so I want to try and do tonight rather than cram it in tomorrow with everything else I have to do. I'm a bit worried that he's lost interest, but I want to avoid seeming clingy. So, I want to text/Facebook him: "Haven't heard from you for a little while - is everything ok? Have you just not had a chance to check your messages, or are you doing that thing where guys stop responding to messages when they don't want to see a girl anymore? :P" Thoughts? I really need some help! I wouldn't say all of that I would stop at "Have you had a chance to check your messages?" and leave the rest out. Also, sue me, but I have to say it again, this is why I hate texting in the early part of dating as it leaves room for so much ambiguity and "did he get the message?" "Did he not?" "Was there a glitch?" Whereas if someone ignores your call and doesn't call back it's a lot more likely that it's clear or if you make plans on a phone call there is no waiting for a response or no way to make an excuse that you didn't see it or what have you as it is very immediate. My other suggestion would just be to ring him up and ask if you guys are still on for the date. If you ring and he doesn't answer or call back neither responds to your messages....there you have it and you can call it quits with him. 2
MissBee Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 (edited) seen someone 3 times in 2 months? you are both wasting each other's time. !!! Yup. I read that and meant to add that be careful to recognize when you are really taking things slow versus the person doesn't care to see you that much so does it when it's convenient and when they have nothing else to do or something. The two aren't the same. Slow and consistent is very different from it's going nowhere and it's sporadic. As someone else said, dating someone and being serious about them is different from "hanging out" which is more kind of casual and inconsistent and your situation sounds like the latter where he isn't super into it, but does it every so often and it isn't a case where he wants to make plans often and see you often and TRUST ME, when a man is really into you, he will want to see you and be close to you more than every few weeks/months....believe me! I find that when a man is really into you and vice-versa you usually have to be conscious of taking things slow as you're so excited about them and in that phase of wanting to monopolize their time. Slow to me means we see each other at the least once a week, but still in some consistent fashion, we speak consistently, we just haven't had sex or rushed into a relationship but there is consistency and interest there based on multiple dates, multiple hanging out, lots of conversation. Then there is "slow" which is really "not that serious or interested", which I've also experienced. This guy lived 15 minutes away from me and in 6 months I'd seen him about 4 times! We did talk a lot but the point was there was no increase or consistency or increased commitment...slow still means PROGRESS is occurring, just at a slow pace, if no progress is occurring it may be more than slow but a sign that it's going nowhere fast (or in this case slow lol). Edited February 25, 2014 by MissBee 1
Zahara Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 3 times in 2 months. I don't think I could go that slow! It's a little over a date a month. How do you keep it interesting when you have close to zero momentum? I mean, even communication is over texting/FB.
Snipercatt Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 His phone wasn't sending/receiving some messages, so we decided to switch to Facebook chat. What's the likelihood of that? Possible, but more likely that he is unavailable at certain times. Again, your picker is flat out busted! Have you just not had a chance to check your messages, or are you doing that thing where guys stop responding to messages when they don't want to see a girl anymore? Were I to get a message to that I'd respond with a one word answer, "Yes!" if you were excited about the person you were seeing, wouldn't you make more of an effort to contact them? Yes, most people would make more of an effort if there were excited about the person. He's just not that into you. Move on. So, all this while you were in love and having cybersex with another man? Or, is this just a creative writing experiment?
Author the_entertainer1 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 Yes, most people would make more of an effort if there were excited about the person. He's just not that into you. Move on. As a matter of fact, I think I'm the one who's not that into him. I'm a persistent person and I don't like to give up easily, so I guess I believe in giving things a bit of time before writing them off. So, all this while you were in love and having cybersex with another man? Or, is this just a creative writing experiment? No, and no. We hadn't (haven't) had cybersex since I met the "RL" guy ... and we're not going to. And creative writing? I wish! Snipercatt, thankyou for responding, but I don't really find your feedback to be particularly helpful, nor supportive. No point in telling me what I already know ...
Eggplant Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Don't ask him about Thursday again. He of course knows it's discourteous to not reply. (Normally, checking FB is optional, but you 2 agreed on the medium). Do something really fun that day. His silence is rude, so don't contact him again. If there is some excuse for it, he'll contact you and explain what happened.
clia Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I would like to clarify about the FB. I go on FB once a week I am too old to be hooked on social networks. When you create your FB account it's asking you for an email address. Each time someone sends you a message on FB a notification is sent to that email, and in that notification is a copy of the message. You don't need FB on your phone. You just need to be set up to receive your emails on your smart phone (who doesn't) nowadays. Yeah, but you can also disable this feature when you set up your account. I did. I get enough emails! 1
Author the_entertainer1 Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 Ok, so I got an answer from him. I basically texted him to say I wasn't really sure where we stood ... not saying that we have to know completely, but just having some idea might be good. He replied: "I've been thinking about it a lot actually and I don't think I'm ready for a relationship yet, still working on myself after last year / with this depression thing. I like you and really do like spending time with you though, and don't want to stop that, but I'll understand if you're looking for something more serious right now." I'm thankful for the fact that he's being very honest with me. It can't be an easy thing to have depression. I like him too (but am not head over heels). I'm happy to take things slowly, but don't want it to be like that indefinitely. I want to be able to date other guys if the chance comes up. How do I respond to him?
Chico333 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 What's the point of any of this if you said yourself you're not really that into it?
Author the_entertainer1 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 What's the point of any of this if you said yourself you're not really that into it? A valid question. I guess I seem ambivalent for a few reasons: a) there was/is some attraction between us ... but it's not "instant" or sparks flying or anything. b) It's partly my ego - everyone wants to be wanted. c) I think that affection/romance can be developed. d) Part of my 'coping' mechanism is to not let myself get too attached early on, so I don't get hurt. I think this is actually my downfall, lol.
Snipercatt Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 (edited) Dear The_Entertainer1, You've asked that I don't post to you because you don't find my posts supportive. In this post I'm attempting to change that. I grew up in an environment where I didn't have as much socialization as most others of my generation. That handicapped me, for a time, when I integrated into the adult world of careers and relationships. I think, in many ways, you are experiencing something similar to what I experienced. I spent a considerable amount of time watching and examing how others related and accomplished positive things in their lives and relationships. Here's what I learned: You are the captain of your life, . . .really! You don't have to be subject to the whims and manipulation of those that see you as an OPPORTUNITY for their personal pleasure, or gain. You can begin by sitting down and establishing clear boundaries that will guide your life in a positive direction, personally and emotionally. To start, list those attributes in an individual, in this case men, that aren't good for your future. Then list those attributes in an individual that are good for you. For example, men that are more than 10 years older than you aren't good romantic interests. Why? Because they are significantly more experienced in worldly things and capable of manipulating you for their personal gain, sometimes without them realizing it, and sometimes intentionally. In life, we learn what works for us and we use it. Don't entertain significant socialization with married men. Why? It can become inappropriately emotional, as you have experienced. Statistically such a relationship can be fraught with heartbreak, for you and for others. It doesn't payoff well. It can also look inappropriate, to others, even if it isn't. Unfortunately people judge and it can negatively impact other positive opportunities for you. Nip it in the bud by not permitting it from the very beginning; by not permitting such interaction to occur. Be disciplined in this as it impedes social development that pays off for YOU! If you are distracted and take a detour to develop a relationship with, let's say, a 48 year old married man on the internet it is time you could have spent developing a hobby, education, career, or personal relationship that is positive for you. The fact that you had cybersex with this individual influences your expectations with other men. It also means this part of you is no longer a virgin. You wanted to save that for a special and committed relationship and I applaud you for that healthy decision. However, this part of that commitment has already been given away. Actual physical penetration isn't the only component of virginity. I think you know that but explained it away to yourself because it "felt good". I get that, but it doesn't change th fact that this component of your sexuality and emotional involvement is no longer a component of your virginity. It is gone, never to be recaptured. In summary, make a list of attributes, and boundaries, that you will permit into your life. Stick to them. Don't make excuses for lowering those boundaries or accepting negative attributes of individuals into your life in a meaningful way. Specifically, this gentleman you post about has several strikes against being positive for you: - There aren't sparks. - He is dealing with depression. - He is recently out of a committed relationship and hasn't sorted himself out yet. (In short, he is a mess and not good for you, at this time.) - Don't be prideful about such situations. In other words don't think of it as winning, or losing. If you are the one asking most of the questions and attempting to "determine where it is the two of you stand" it isn't working and probably won't. Don't waste another minute. If he resurfaces in a more attractive manner, later, you can reconsider. Persisting is just being stubborn, but not emotionally smart. It's partly my ego - everyone wants to be wanted. True, but it can't be forced. Finally, you are intelligent as evidenced by mastering your education and career. Just as that required a mental intelligence there is emotional intelligence. Like mental intelligence you can hone it and direct it and it requires using common sense and positive boundaries, just as you developed your education and career using common sense and guidelines that progressed you to your goals. Partying, sleeping in and skipping classes wouldn't have gotten you to your goals. You would have been wasting your time and opportunities. Emotional intelligence can be developed similarly. Edited March 4, 2014 by Snipercatt
Recommended Posts