Michelle83 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Has anyone ever dated a night shift worker before? (not overnights, but like mid-afternoon until midnight). Things are great with my boyfriend and I so far and we're moving along nicely. The only one thing on my mind is he does the night shift so we don't spend all that much time together. It hasn't been that big of an issue as I'm fairly independent and have had a lot going on in my life but into the future, I wouldn't want to be with someone who was away most nights of the week as spending quality time together, cooking together, relaxing together in the evening, etc, is really important to me in a relationship. I asked him a few months in if he would be willing to switch to a day shift, possibly some time in the new year and he said he would. So the new year came and he is looking but I think he's kind of limiting his selection quite extensively and I'm worried it could be months if not years before he finds a day position (If he widened his search, I think he could likely find one in a few weeks or a month or two). Do you think it's in my right to really push on this? I don't think I'd ever want to marry someone who would be willingly away 5 nights a week so it's a pretty big deal to me. But even that... is that expecting too much? How lenient would you be with time together/schedules?
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I think you need to be adaptable and not be so inflexible. Good work is hard to come by. Make the most of your time together, because an awful lot of work, globally, is being 'converted to shift work. I think you may have to suck this up for a while, and do what you can to make the good times better. Remember: Quality, not quantity. 2
darkmoon Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 (edited) do not "push" no, do not be pushy, he might not want to take a job he does not like, stop expecting him to obey you, srsly he might ask the same of you, to change jobs/shifts, it must be said, so adapt Edited February 25, 2014 by darkmoon 2
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Yeah sure I would. What matters to me is how much effort he puts into to meet up with me when he isn't at work. If he finishes at midnight he can still come by mine after and get into bed and fall asleep with me. Personally I often work 9am-11pm shifts myself and work seven days per week and I made space for a new relationship with that schedule. If you like a LOT of time together, though, you probably won't be compatible. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 First a clarification: The work time you are describing is called 2nd shift. Night shift is usually 11 pm to 7 am. My mother worked that shift. My father rotated shifts. I was a night bartender. Lots of people are doctors, nurses, police, firefighters, factory workers etc. That's an awful lot of people to kick out of your dating pool. Sometimes those shifts come with higher pay because they are not 9 to 5. Very few people work 9-5 any more anyway & when you add in commuting . . . it's even longer. If everything else about your relationship is good this seems like a petty thing to complain about. 2
Candice Luna Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I'm a little surprised that so many of you think she's asking for too much. If the guy finishes at midnight, he's probably home close to 1am. Is the OP supposed to stay awake all night to be with her boyfriend, when she has to get up for work at 8am ? Ok, I'm supposing she works a regular day shift. Because if she doesn't stay awake part of the late night, how are they going to cram sex, conversation, problem resolution, kids issues, kids activities, companionship into 2 days a week? Anyway, I agree with OP's eagerness to push the issue. We're talking LTR/future cohabitation here. Of course, it would have been reasonable to see each other only 2 days a week during the first months of dating. But the time spent together is supposed to increase eventually. 1
Keenly Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Its all about perspective. Maybe he should ask you to work his same shift? That's fair. Or you can suck it up and deal. You took this package as is, ams you don't get to demands changes to better suite your desires , especially when it comes to how he makes his living. 1
StanMusial Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/425322-how-many-you-have-dated-shift-worker#post5217076
CarrieT Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I dated - and ultimately lived with - a night-shift worker for over a decade. When I was in GradSchool, my schedule was like this: 7:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. - work an office job 12:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. - school 5:00 to 6:00ish - dinner with boyfriend 6:00 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. - work a retail job Midnight to 6:00 a.m. - sleep My boyfriend's schedule: 6:00 p.m. to 3:00 a.m. - work 3:00 a.m. to 5:00 a.m. - hang out and decompress (sometimes we would have breakfast together before he went to bed) 5:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. - sleep 2:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. - wake up and hang-out (sometimes we would have dinner together before he went to work) We would see more of each other on weekends but when I wasn't working in the evening, I would hang out with other friends and whatnot. I think our relationship lasted as long as it did because we didn't have that much time together. It probably should have ended sooner than it did, but was constructive for its time... 1
HappyLove Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Hey, night shift workers need love too! Maybe he loves working those hours it's not fair of you to demand he finds a new job! What if he finds a job he hates? Or finds a new job that isn't as stable. Will he lose benefits, a pension, seniority? I think you're being selfish. It's not like jobs these days are so easy to come by. You should have never started dating him if this was a big problem for you. He shouldn't have to change what works in his life to please you. 1
truth_seeker Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 People with opposite schedules opens the door for cheating and the relationship turns more into a fwb than a serious relationship. 1
Keenly Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 People with opposite schedules opens the door for cheating and the relationship turns more into a fwb than a serious relationship. This applies to any relationship, regardless of schedules. 1
Author Michelle83 Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 Thanks for all the replies. I'm a little surprised that so many of you think she's asking for too much. If the guy finishes at midnight, he's probably home close to 1am. Is the OP supposed to stay awake all night to be with her boyfriend, when she has to get up for work at 8am ? Ok, I'm supposing she works a regular day shift. Because if she doesn't stay awake part of the late night, how are they going to cram sex, conversation, problem resolution, kids issues, kids activities, companionship into 2 days a week? Anyway, I agree with OP's eagerness to push the issue. We're talking LTR/future cohabitation here. Of course, it would have been reasonable to see each other only 2 days a week during the first months of dating. But the time spent together is supposed to increase eventually. Yeah, this is pretty much exactly how I feel. I mean, so I'm going to sit at home alone each night, go to bed and he'll come home, want to sit up and talk and have sex and I'll be half asleep already? So then he resents me if I say no to sex and I resent the fact he's always working late. The thing is that I asked him if he would be willing to change very early on because this was very important to me and he said yes. So it wasn't like I just 'accepted' his work schedule when we started. I knew it was going to be an issue for me long-term if it kept up, so I asked him about it then and it seemed like it would get resolved.
HappyLove Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Thanks for all the replies. Yeah, this is pretty much exactly how I feel. I mean, so I'm going to sit at home alone each night, go to bed and he'll come home, want to sit up and talk and have sex and I'll be half asleep already? So then he resents me if I say no to sex and I resent the fact he's always working late. The thing is that I asked him if he would be willing to change very early on because this was very important to me and he said yes. So it wasn't like I just 'accepted' his work schedule when we started. I knew it was going to be an issue for me long-term if it kept up, so I asked him about it then and it seemed like it would get resolved. Have you been out there lately? Be glad your man HAS a job!
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