txgrl Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 So you go and meet him and have your sweet revenge? Then what? you think it'll shame him into becoming a 'faithful' AP? You'll feel worse afterwards. Cut him off completely, if you feel you need to tell him you're the OOW , do so, but why invest more energy and time into this than you already have? Walk away...and find someone worthy of your time and attention. Best
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Yes, I'm a man. I would do what I said above. I would go meet him with him thinking you are his prospective new piece and watch his jaw drop to the floor when you walk up. I can think of no better revenge than that. I'm not generally for revenge, but in this case it is certainly warranted. "What are you doing here? Oh.. I'm just here to meet a man a met online. What are you doing here?" Priceless. IF it works out that way. Which I'm sure it obviously will.... ....not..... Yeah, we all love these great 'one-upmanship' scenarios, where we visualise a confrontation in which we come up trumps and leave them slack-jawed as we grind their spirit under our heel. Go ahead, OP. Works every time, guaranteed.... 4
goodyblue Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 IF it works out that way. Which I'm sure it obviously will.... ....not..... Yeah, we all love these great 'one-upmanship' scenarios, where we visualise a confrontation in which we come up trumps and leave them slack-jawed as we grind their spirit under our heel. Go ahead, OP. Works every time, guaranteed.... I think I'd arrange the meeting, then show up unexpectedly, act surprised to meet him, sit down and say "Wow! So funny meeting you here! Well, since you are here, let's have lunch"!! Then I would proceed to order the most expensive items on the menu, dessert, and then at the end of dessert, say "Gee, I suppose that date you had, that you think I don't know about, didn't show. Bummer. Have a good life, ass". And walk. 2
Sub Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Oy vey. In another thread, the OP talks about loving her H and essentially liking her AP for the sex. The self-righteousness from a person in her position isn't going to help her in the long run. After a few seconds of feeling "busted", reality's going to hit the OM and he'll just move on. 1
chelsea2011 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 What an awful situation to be in. After finding something like that out I would just walk away and happily pass the OW battoun (sp?) on to the next whoever that may be. Why lower yourself to a level where he knows it's upsets you? Silence is golden and removing yourself from a self harming situation even better.
chelsea2011 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 What an awful situation to be in. After finding something like that out I would just walk away and happily pass the OW battoun (sp?) on to the next whoever that may be. Why lower yourself to a level where he knows it's upsets you? Silence is golden and removing yourself from a self harming situation even better. 1
MissBee Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 (edited) I'm starting to think that almost every OW should try this at home. That said, I agree with Tara that once you know you're being played, get out of the game. I kind of had the same thought! If you want to know if your MM is just opportunistic or likes to share the love and it isn't a case of you're just that special then maybe you should pose as a potential new OW and see how it goes. Will he shun this new OW and say he's in a "committed affair" or only has space in his heart for his wife and current mistress OR does he happily downplay the affair just like he does his marriage, lie about you too or doesn't even mention you exist at all, tell her he has never had an affair before or it was "nothing" and carry on gladly at this new source of ego strokes and potential sex? In any case snuggles, ask whatever you want to ask. I can't lie and say I wouldn't be curious in your position, but you don't need us to tell you what to ask as the questions you should ask should be those relevant to YOU and maybe particular things he told you about your relationship that we're not privy to. After getting more confirmation that he is indeed a cheater (surprise ) then you can cut him off and move on and take the lesson that, while not every MM is a serial cheater, putting your faith and trust into a man cheating on his wife is 9 times out of 10 a bad plan and when things like this happen nobody is ever surprised except the OW who has fallen "victim" in a scheme she signed up for. Edited February 25, 2014 by MissBee 2
chelsea2011 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I kind of had the same thought! If you want to know if your MM is just opportunistic or likes to share the love and it isn't a case of you're just that special then maybe you should pose as a potential new OW and see how it goes. Will he shun this new OW and say he's in a "committed affair" or only has space in his heart for his wife and current mistress OR does he happily downplay the affair just like he does his marriage, lie about you too or doesn't even mention you exist at all, tell her he has never had an affair before or it was "nothing" and carry on gladly at this new source of ego strokes and potential sex? In any case snuggles, ask whatever you want to ask. I can't lie and say I wouldn't be curious in your position, but you don't need us to tell you what to ask as the questions you should ask should be those relevant to YOU and maybe particular things he told you about your relationship that we're not privy to. After getting more confirmation that he is indeed a cheater (surprise ) then you can cut him off and move on and take the lesson that, while not every MM is a serial cheater, putting your faith and trust into a man cheating on his wife is 9 times out of 10 a bad plan and when things like this happen nobody is ever surprised except the OW who has fallen "victim" in a scheme she signed up for. After reading MissBee's post I've changed my opinion. Keep doing your research and get to the truth of what kind of MM this guy really is. It will help you get closure and move on from the mess this has caused in your life once and for all. Can totally avoid him after finding out the truth or are you stuck having to see him any time soon for other reasons?
jellybean89 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Closure comes from within...it does not come from revenge, game playing or asking questions. You now know not only will he cheat on his wife, he will/has cheated on his mistress. Do you really believe posing as another mistress and asking questions about the prior mistress will get you any answers? He's not going to be honest with the newest mistress about his previous mistress. Just like he wasn't honest with his first mistress about his wife; nor was he honest with his wife about his mistresses. All you are doing is trying to validate your affair with a liar & a cheater. How is that going to help you? 1
Speakingofwhich Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Personally, I think I'd drop him like a hot potato and never speak to him again, at all, even as OOW, mycatsnuggles. But, if I had an inclination to follow up by asking questions or meeting up with him as OOW I may very well do it. We are all unique and only you know what it will take to process the ending of this A satisfactorily. (I know it has ended but obviously you are still processing the emotions from it and from his betrayal) Now's the time to do what you have to do because you won't be able to do it at a later time, most probably. Be true to yourself.
Realist3 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 IF it works out that way. Which I'm sure it obviously will.... ....not..... Yeah, we all love these great 'one-upmanship' scenarios, where we visualise a confrontation in which we come up trumps and leave them slack-jawed as we grind their spirit under our heel. Go ahead, OP. Works every time, guaranteed.... It could very easily work that way. There is no downside. She is in control of the whole scenario. 3
BetrayedH Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 It could very easily work that way. There is no downside. She is in control of the whole scenario. I'll do you one better. How about the OP and wife both meet him for lunch? He wouldn't see that one coming. Or maybe the lunch ends up just being a good time to be served papers? Sorry, just being silly. 1
goodyblue Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Closure comes from within...it does not come from revenge, game playing or asking questions. You now know not only will he cheat on his wife, he will/has cheated on his mistress. Do you really believe posing as another mistress and asking questions about the prior mistress will get you any answers? He's not going to be honest with the newest mistress about his previous mistress. Just like he wasn't honest with his first mistress about his wife; nor was he honest with his wife about his mistresses. All you are doing is trying to validate your affair with a liar & a cheater. How is that going to help you? It may give her closure.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Op, why does it hurt you so much that he sees/shows interest in OOW when you can get around the fact that he has a wife? Is it that he was dishonest? You said he recently declared his love for you, do you think maybe he is a sex/love addict? I wonder if by agreeing to be an OW you are giving an unspoken consent that its ok with you if he's with others?
HairTie Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I, too, have thought about meeting my exMM as the OOW after catching him talking to who knows how many other women. Here's what I came up with... 1) What would I REALLY get after confronting him? Absolutely nothing. I'd waste my day, time, energy, emotional and mental strength on HIM. 2) I'd feel really stupid and embarrassed afterwards. I mean you're the OW and you confront the MM about being promiscuous? Do you not see the irony in all of this? What is the wife supposed to say? 3) I'd be a really huge ego stroke for him. Sure, he'd be shocked at first. But after it sinks in, the MM is going to say, "wow this b**** is crazy. thankfully it was her that showed up and not my wife hahaha!". What else would he say? In fact, he'd probably take extra precautions the next time he tried to meet up with someone offline to make sure it wasn't you again. 4) It's normal that I was upset when I found out he tried to find sex and attention from all the women he could get. I have feelings. I was hurt that I was being deceived. But shouldn't I be thankful that I found out before I MARRIED the scum bag? The wife no longer has that option - to get away without all the issues that come with divorce. 5) I felt that it was illogical for me to confront him. I knew I was the OW. I knew he was capable of lying to someone he says he loves. I knew he was capable of cheating on that person. So, what makes me so different? I'm just as human as the BS. If he did it to her, he'd do it to me. I feel that the quote, "When a man marries a mistress, he creates a vacancy" couldn't hold more true. Anyway, I chose the "silence is golden" method. He wasn't worth my time. He wasn't WORTH a confrontation. Good riddance! Ps. I must say I did enjoy the "you should meet up with his wife, and the two of you should go meet him as the OOW"...but then again, NOT worth the time or effort!
jwi71 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Op, why does it hurt you so much that he sees/shows interest in OOW when you can get around the fact that he has a wife? Is it that he was dishonest? You said he recently declared his love for you, do you think maybe he is a sex/love addict? I wonder if by agreeing to be an OW you are giving an unspoken consent that its ok with you if he's with others? I think its REALLY simple why she feels all pizzed off. She was, in her mind, betrayed. Ironic that the OW becomes "BS". It was fine that he was cheating on his W and she was cheating on her H...each respective spouse "deserved" it. Maybe not deserve...but there was ready excuse for both. They had each other - and, like many A's engaged in future faking by OP's own admission. But now, with the bubble burst and she and this A is not special, well...yeah, that would clearly sting anyone. No one likes being lied to. Or deceived. Or feel like they are being used. That is what she feels. OP...he, your MM, has, for quite sometime now, shown you WHO he is. And for all those days it was ok...the betrayal was to the W - not you. And somehow...in lust or love or neuro-chemical reaction - you missed the obvious. HE is a liar and a user. It's his nature. What to do? Do what any doctor does upon the discovery of cancer...you cut it out. Just walk. He was NEVER trustworthy. He proved it every time you met...and proves it yet again. Just walk. And try to get yourself into a better place in life. A better place in your M - or out of your M. Why is D not a possibility for you? 2
Author Mycatsnuggles Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 The only reason I spoke with MM was to 100% confirm it was him. I was giving the opportunity and took it. He emailed his name and pics of himself. I knew it but if you were in a position to know 100% you would not take it? He did not know he was emailing me. It was as myself I set up our date. Some small talk, then I asked him to log onto our private email. I asked him to send me an email. I told him I would tell him what to write. "Bye my name" He's a little confused but does so. Next I tell him to delete our private email account. The account is permanently closed. I have no way of contacting him even if I wanted to. There was more said. Doesn't matter. Yes he denied it. I showed him the emails and messages. Told him what I did. And left. I wrote those messages and sent pictures because I was in love with him. He didn't deserve to keep them. So I took them away. I also knowingly made it impossible for me to contact him. BECAUSE I KNOW MY RESOVLE WILL WEAKEN. We have no social contact, do not work together, and live in different cities. The chance of running into him is very unlikely. His phone number is deleted and I never called so I don't know it. I have effectively erased him. Right now it doesn't hurt. I'm sure it will 3
whichwayisup Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Well, you handled it well and did what you had to do. You're very strong and kudos to you for actually ending it. And cutting him out of your life. Grieve the loss, cry it out and make sure you pamper yourself too! good foods, good friends etc.. Feel better soon and never ever look back in regret. You did the right thing. He is a serial cheater and incapable of genuine love and commitment.
SugarHibiscus Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I'm sorry you're going through this. He truly is a predatory POS. You're better off without him! The moment a person cheats on their spouse, they become emotionally, universally untrustworthy. And you played into that. You knew what kind of a person he was when you opened your legs for him. He was willing to strum your strings. Is it really so surprising that he has more than one guitar? Sorry. I can't let this slide. The MM she was involved with was vulturous animal. Is he the same type of animal as I am? You say that once a person cheats they become "universally untrustworthy". Universally? You could trust me to watch your purse. Honestly, I'm an adulteress not a thief (or a murderer, or a pedophile, or rapist, or a larcenist, etc. ). Don't call me irrevocably, emotionally broken. I am not out trolling for some side piece like Cat's OM. My goodness. Not all A's are alike. Don't lump us all together. Jeez. 2
Sub Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I don't get the predatory angle. Two married adults entered into an A with no plans of leaving their respective spouses. Not doing the OP any favors, IMO, by enabling her to feel like a victim. The MM wasn't her property. He was filling a sexual void. 5
SugarHibiscus Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 He's predatory in that he's out actively preying on woman to dupe. He's a player. I would never seek out an oOM! I can't believe I have this one! When I say I love him, I mean it. I'm not just trying to get in his Dickie's. This dude is out to get him some. 1
SugarHibiscus Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I don't get the predatory angle. Two married adults entered into an A with no plans of leaving their respective spouses. Not doing the OP any favors, IMO, by enabling her to feel like a victim. The MM wasn't her property. He was filling a sexual void. I don't disagree with you. I just took issue with saying that all people who have affairs are universally untrustworthy. Come on. My 20 years of fidelity is trumped by my one year affair? It's a mistake, not a character flaw in some cases. 1
Recommended Posts