Girlfriend wants to be engaged, I'm not ready

[TheGuard13]

So I've been dating a woman for about a year. We've had our ups and downs, but for the most part its been really good for both of us. I'm very much in love with her, can absolutely see marrying her and building a life with her, and her being the mother of my children and a partner for life.

 

 

I'm not there right now, however, for a couple of key reasons:

 

 

-We've only been dating a year. I don't think that's enough time for me to really "know", at least on a realistic level. We haven't lived together, and seems unlikely to allow this prior to an engagement. And since I made a somewhat rushed, emotional decision the first time I got engaged, I don't want to be "pressured" into it if I do so again.

 

 

-I don't have a full time job, have had issues finding work, and do not feel particularly financially secure. This is a serious issue because I know she specifically wants to start a family.

 

 

-We have some communications issues we're working on. This is the big one for me, emotionally speaking. We're just not quite there yet in terms of resolving arguments, conflicts, etc. She's still got some walls up, and I'm still learning exactly how to handle certain types of situations with her.

 

 

To me, these are some pretty sizeable issues. These are issues you don't wade into an engagement and plan to get married before resolving.

 

 

So tonight we had a conversation, and she revealed the following:

 

 

-She wants to marry me (I knew this.)

 

 

-She is upset that she is in her early thirties with no family, kids, etc. (I knew this).

 

 

-She is going on an out of state vacation/arts training month in a few months; this is to get some space to see how we really feel about each other and what we want for the future. (I knew she was planning this, but had hoped it was more about her taking a break from her job and doing something she'd always wanted to do than some kind of "test" for me).

 

 

-She has a date in mind that she is willing to wait for. (She has mentioned this before), which she claims I don't know (I do know it, it's in May).

 

 

Now, all this is not exactly an ultimatum, but it's darn close to one. It feels more than a little manipulative and limiting, even though I don't think she intends it to be.

 

 

Point being, I'm not going to be ready to ask her to marry me by her "date in mind". This almost certainly isn't going to work the way she'd like it to. She doesn't seem interested in compromising with me on some sizeable life decisions, or in being patient with me while I juggle my personal conflicts and stresses.

 

 

I don't want to be a doomsayer, but what's the healthy thing to do for the relationship, and each other at this point in time?

 

Do I put all my cards on the table and explain that I do see a future with her, and try one more time to explain that there are things I need to feel emotionally and logically secure in making such a life altering decision?

 

 

 

Do I consider doing something along the lines of getting engaged and working toward marriage (which we have discussed is an option. Engagement, she has said, is not the same as actually being married, it is the understanding that this is the end goal).

 

Or should I break up with her and stop ourselves from getting any deeper into this relationship?

Edited February 25, 2014 by TheGuard13

[TaraMaiden]

How old are YOU?

 

To be honest, reading your post, I was thinking 'bad idea, bad idea, bad idea....'

 

You're experiencing problems - too many for any relationship to declare itself truly happy, on an even keel and 'steady'.

 

You're working hard, but I'm asking if you're seeking to repair and 'perfect' something that actually really needs laying down and leaving alone....

if you don't 'know', if even now, you're not sure, you feel uneasy, you feel put onto a back foot - to be honest, I'd tell her straight that you don't think this is going to develop further than where you are right now, in any foreseeable future.

 

if she's going away to create space between you two to get her schytt together, then in all likelihood, her 'ultimatum' is the final word before "I think we should break up".

 

These are the major red flags which make me come to this conclusion....

 

-We have some communications issues we're working on....We're just not quite there yet in terms of resolving arguments, conflicts, etc. She's still got some walls up, ......

 

....She is upset that she is in her early thirties with no family, kids, etc.

 

-She is going on an out of state vacation/arts training month .... this is to get some space to see how we really feel about each other and what we want for the future. (I ....had hoped it was more about her taking a break from her job ....than some kind of "test" for me)

 

She has a date in mind that she is willing to wait for.

 

Much as I hate to say it - I think you should beat her to the punchline.

[ExpatInItaly]

So I've been dating a woman for about a year. We've had our ups and downs, but for the most part its been really good for both of us. I'm very much in love with her, can absolutely see marrying her and building a life with her, and her being the mother of my children and a partner for life.

 

 

I'm not there right now, however, for a couple of key reasons:

 

 

-We've only been dating a year. I don't think that's enough time for me to really "know", at least on a realistic level. We haven't lived together, and seems unlikely to allow this prior to an engagement. And since I made a somewhat rushed, emotional decision the first time I got engaged, I don't want to be "pressured" into it if I do so again.

 

 

-I don't have a full time job, have had issues finding work, and do not feel particularly financially secure. This is a serious issue because I know she specifically wants to start a family.

 

 

-We have some communications issues we're working on. This is the big one for me, emotionally speaking. We're just not quite there yet in terms of resolving arguments, conflicts, etc. She's still got some walls up, and I'm still learning exactly how to handle certain types of situations with her.

 

 

To me, these are some pretty sizeable issues. These are issues you don't wade into an engagement and plan to get married before resolving.

 

 

So tonight we had a conversation, and she revealed the following:

 

 

-She wants to marry me (I knew this.)

 

 

-She is upset that she is in her early thirties with no family, kids, etc. (I knew this).

 

 

-She is going on an out of state vacation/arts training month in a few months; this is to get some space to see how we really feel about each other and what we want for the future. (I knew she was planning this, but had hoped it was more about her taking a break from her job and doing something she'd always wanted to do than some kind of "test" for me).

 

 

-She has a date in mind that she is willing to wait for. (She has mentioned this before), which she claims I don't know (I do know it, it's in May).

 

 

Now, all this is not exactly an ultimatum, but it's darn close to one. It feels more than a little manipulative and limiting, even though I don't think she intends it to be.

 

 

Point being, I'm not going to be ready to ask her to marry me by her "date in mind". This almost certainly isn't going to work the way she'd like it to. She doesn't seem interested in compromising with me on some sizeable life decisions, or in being patient with me while I juggle my personal conflicts and stresses.

 

 

I don't want to be a doomsayer, but what's the healthy thing to do for the relationship, and each other at this point in time?

 

Do I put all my cards on the table and explain that I do see a future with her, and try one more time to explain that there are things I need to feel emotionally and logically secure in making such a life altering decision?

 

 

 

Do I consider doing something along the lines of getting engaged and working toward marriage (which we have discussed is an option. Engagement, she has said, is not the same as actually being married, it is the understanding that this is the end goal).

 

Or should I break up with her and stop ourselves from getting any deeper into this relationship?

 

Yes, you should do this again. You two are not ready to be engaged, based on your post. If there are problems in the relationship, they need to be addressed first before you decide to make any life-long commitments. Her taking a vacation to get some space and decide if she sees a future with you is a silly game, in my opinion. She's using that as her trump card to scare you into proposing. Also, you're right that her setting an arbitrary date that you "don't know" is indeed manipulative. Again, this feels like a ploy that she's trying to use to strong-arm you into this.

 

If she is still resisting and pressuring you into marrying, then I would exit the relationship. Your concerns are valid and if you cave now, you will very likely grow to resent her for it. She doesn't appear to understand that her timeline isn't the only one that matters. I'm a woman in my early thirties too, and I have seen more than a couple of my friends pressure their men into proposing. It doesn't create the basis for a healthy marriage.

[d0nnivain]

Have you shared your financial concerns with her? Based on those alone an engagement at this time is a bad choice. Weddings are expensive. Also I see her pressure as a desire for a wedding not a marriage.

 

I don't think you need to break up but you do need to talk.

[Thegreatestthing]

These are all excuses peasants use to get married all the time in their little cabins,well I suppose a chest of goods was suffice as well.

 

She's in a hurry because it's hard to have babies after a certain point,if you are unsure if she is the one just let her go no amount of time is going to give you that settlement

[TaraMaiden]

Have you shared your financial concerns with her? Based on those alone an engagement at this time is a bad choice. Weddings are expensive. Also I see her pressure as a desire for a wedding not a marriage.

 

I don't think you need to break up but you do need to talk.

She's probably very aware of his financial situation, but sadly, where her head is, is not on a practical level. She's being pushed by hormones, convention and an emotional desire to find herself in a place where she believes her emotional fulfilment lies.

 

Which of course cannot be reasoned with on a practical/logical level.

[Thegreatestthing]

Where there is love there is no question

[Eggplant]

Would you be cool with dating her longer, getting to know her, being ready on your time frame, marrying her, and then never having any children? Because it may be that she can't be the mother of your children on your time frame.

[TaraMaiden]

Where there is love there is no question

getting a blank page on this link, BtW....

[Mascara]

A year is plenty long enough to know if you want to marry her. And everything else is just excuses. Sorry, but that's the way it comes across to me. If you were mad keen to marry this woman, you'd not see these things as issues. You'd be telling her you can work on them together because you love her and want to marry her. I mean, "not lived together yet". So what? People didn't used to you know. Money, babies? It's only in the last 40 years that people have waited for these things and believed that everything needed to be perfect and all lined up before marrying and starting a family. But you know what? If you wait for the perfect time to get married/have babies, it will never happen. There will ALWAYS be something else that crops up.

 

She's got a self imposed time limit, and you only see that as a form of blackmail. It's not. It's her saying "you have choices, but so do I. And I choose to move on".

 

She's afraid she's going to lose her child bearing years to someone indecisive about a future with her. Why on earth would she not move on?

[Ninjainpajamas]

If you're in love with her and can see the rest of your life with her, then you should know that you're capable of marrying this girl pretty early on, if not her then who else? what else do you think you're looking for if she's "it"?

 

She wants an engagement because she's getting older, wants a future family life with children and the like and doesn't feel like she doesn't have time to waste in a relationship that is going nowhere. The situation may not be ideal but she doesn't have much of a choice because she can't change everything and regardless she wants to get the ball rolling so that at least if/when that time comes in the future she's already solid in a relationship fixed for that future. She wants security.

 

You want more time to put things in perspective and not feel rushed, you want your ducks lined up and it probably takes you a while to make strong and committed decisions without a lot of time and reassurance. You probably can't pin-point why exactly you're scared/worried but you've likely jumped in and out of romantic situations before impulsively and trying to make a more conscious decision this time around rather than an impulsive.

 

The fear however, can be coming from irrational thoughts or feelings, or insecurities within yourself...it might be beneficial to talk those things out with a professional to help discern what is a realistic fear and what is an imagined fear. What is that you're worried about being married? what is the fear of being engaged and why are you apprehensive about solidifying a future with this woman if you are in love with her and can see your life moving forward with her?

 

I understand you don't like the pressure or apprehension that many women have, especially once they hit their 30's to hurry up and lock a relationship down with a "good man" or the closest thing to one so they can start having their white-picket fence perfect/imperfect family lives without being too concerned about the details, because it's more important to accomplish those goals than to have a fully functioning and established relationship that's healthy before diving into something that deep, but that's the way it is in reality for many women, they don't want to be single anymore, they don't want to date around, they want stability and to do the whole family thing.

 

You've got to be realistic with yourself and ask yourself some tough questions of what it is you're looking for and if you are truly ready to settle down, and it honestly seems you are not, for whatever issues, whether you're trying to tell yourself that you're into this girl more than you are or whether it's just some psychological fears and issues from your past keeping you from making any committed decision, you just kind of procrastinate and push the deadline further and further so you never really have to do it.

 

You have to be considerate of her desires and needs in her life, those you can perceive as independent without you, but with you is preferred. If you can't or aren't willing to get serious with her within the not so distant future then you are potentially wasting her time, you've got to give her a chance to find someone who is willing to give her what she wants, instead of expecting her to wait in the wings for you, for a moment that may never happen...you're essentially saying in your actions that you aren't sure about a future with her and therefore are afraid to make any kind of commitment.

 

Now not living together to me is a huge problem, that should be done before getting married in my opinion but if that's the case there should be a real push and motivation to do that...however you might have to compromise and get engaged with her first, as she might not be willing to play that role that gives you even further incentive not to do anything and continue to procrastinate which is smart on her part, she's not just giving you everything you want for nothing...if she's doing that it for those reasons.

 

So you have to understand, that albeit she is forcing the situation into a commitment which is not preferred by any man...if you were actually ready and serious about her she wouldn't have to, know what I'm saying? these things you wouldn't not necessarily know because you would have been as motivated or more motivated in committing than you are now.

 

I think men who are ready and open to marriage know pretty early on, and definitely know, regardless of marriage or not whether that person is someone they can be with in the long-term. And if you weren't open and willing to that, then you should have made it clear from the beginning, but you're talking about it now, and this is her way (albeit manipulative and indirect, which is how a lot of women communicate) for her to get her answer, and you don't have to be on-board, you're not obligated here, if you're not ready for whatever reason then tell her so, and guess what...that might mean yes, ending the relationship, but if you really love her you want her to be happy and get what she wants out of life right? you can't just be selfish and take her time and use her for what you feel is necessary first, she's just going to be inpatient and waiting the entire time anyway for you to make up your mind.

 

So this is something that needed to happen, whether you feel it's in the right way or not, you need to make some decisive tough decisions for yourself and what you want to do next, and you guaranteed have some personal issues throwing a wrench in this process as well and you need to finally face those for yourself as well, because you may find yourself in this situation again with another woman, you need to know what you want and are looking for so you can communicate that and express that so you can do your part for yourself and if that person wastes their time then that's on them, she also needs to look out for herself but she's doing it now, so if you don't line up and see eye to eye, then you walk away from it...but if she stays, you are on borrowed time and I'd be careful about doing that even though a lot of women aren't strong enough to ultimately walk away in the end, you can't just take advantage of that, so you kind of have to be more responsible if you know she's not going to be happy and is wasting her time.

[Michelle83]

Yes, you should do this again. You two are not ready to be engaged, based on your post. If there are problems in the relationship, they need to be addressed first before you decide to make any life-long commitments. Her taking a vacation to get some space and decide if she sees a future with you is a silly game, in my opinion. She's using that as her trump card to scare you into proposing. Also, you're right that her setting an arbitrary date that you "don't know" is indeed manipulative. Again, this feels like a ploy that she's trying to use to strong-arm you into this.

 

If she is still resisting and pressuring you into marrying, then I would exit the relationship. Your concerns are valid and if you cave now, you will very likely grow to resent her for it. She doesn't appear to understand that her timeline isn't the only one that matters. I'm a woman in my early thirties too, and I have seen more than a couple of my friends pressure their men into proposing. It doesn't create the basis for a healthy marriage.

 

I completely agree with this. Saying that you must know after 1 year isn't accurate IMO. Especially if you haven't lived together and are dealing with financial strain and she is not being at all understanding about it. That's a big red flag in my mind as finances are one of the leading causes of divorce.

 

If she really loves you and wants to be with you, then a ring is not going to change that. If she thinks money will come out of thin air once you're engaged or married (which it won't, you'll only be more broke after the wedding), she's dreaming and you are right, having kids and a family is going to take a financial toll. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready and marriage won't change that.

 

Her giving you this deadline is completely unreasonable - she should voice her concerns and you should work together at solving the problems as soon as you can.

 

True, she may lose her childbearing years but does she really think she's going to find another guy, fall in love, get to know HIM enough to get engaged and go on to marry and have kids faster than if you both work together to work on your issues? I'd be leery she would.

[kaylan]

OP dont let her rush you. If she has to bail on you, let her. Shes not being logical and is running on her emotions and biological clock. You need to marry when the relationship is mature, healthy, and also financially secure.

 

You dont wanna end up marrying the wrong woman. But it seems like shes one of those gals dead set on marriage even if the relationship isnt really ready. You may have to let her go some day. In which case I really forsee her marrying Mr GoodEnough and not being truly happy.

 

Dont do that yourself though. Only marry if its right.

[RedRobin]

I think she is perfectly reasonable to want what she wants.

 

 

This has to be something you've known that she wants quite early in your relationship. It didn't just come out of thin air.

 

 

Arguments about her desire to start a family being unreasonable or manipulative... I don't buy.

 

 

What I and lots of other women DO see is men fudging for more time, when in reality, they really aren't that into us or have some other major issues they refuse to address on their own... and instead put it on women to magically understand and cope with... it's always the same. The reality is, she doesn't have forever to have kids and shouldn't be obliged to listen to endless excuses by this or that guy who is on the fence.

 

 

If you really wanted a family, you'll have your time when you don't want to waste with non-committal women either. Trust me. I've seen it. Guys in their late 30's-early 40's and beyond who are desperate to find some woman to settle down with and have kids because they screwed away their 20's and 30's thinking they had forever to figure it out.

 

 

In any case, you knew what you were getting into when you decided to be serious with this woman. You say you are in love. The only thing *I* see holding you back is potentially the conflict resolution part. That would hold me back too. The rest is just life.

 

 

Thing is, life will always have challenges. Do you want someone to face them with or do you want to keep rinsing and repeating every few years with a new face?

 

 

Just because she decides you are someone she'd be happy spending her life with doesn't mean she is desperate or hormone driven, or anything else. It just means she's more decisive and knows what she wants. What do YOU want?

Edited February 25, 2014 by RedRobin

[Jmk21]

If you don't feel ready you not ready. Maybe with you life feeling in total disorder at the moment relating to makin the steps to marriage you're finally realizing you need to work on YOU.

 

To me personally. now adays marriage /ring is nothing more than a status symbol in a relationship. Her biological clock is ticking man don't let it fool you. When a lady has no kids/marriage at 30 she is ready to settle down because all her friends most likely are having babies or weddings and she's flat out not getting any younger

[serial muse]

Arguments about her desire to start a family being unreasonable or manipulative... I don't buy.

 

...

 

Just because she decides you are someone she'd be happy spending her life with doesn't mean she is desperate or hormone driven, or anything else. It just means she's more decisive and knows what she wants. What do YOU want?

 

Yes, this. I'm not sure why, when she is actually being direct with you about what she wants, OP, that is seen as manipulative? If you're the one who hasn't put your cards on the table yet, as you put it, then you're the one who's trying to game the system indirectly, IMO.

 

I really don't see why she shouldn't be up front about where she is emotionally, at this point. Why is it manipulative to state your position clearly? If you tell her you absolutely don't want to get married now, but are hoping she'll stick around a while longer because you might want to, someday, would you consider that manipulative? I wouldn't; but I don't see how it's any different. It's just a trope at this point that saying you want to get married is knee-jerk considered manipulative, and holding out for more time isn't. That doesn't make sense to me.

 

And sure, her feelings about marriage to you are based in...well, her feelings - at least, to an extent (some of it's rational - worrying about whether you're stringing her along, since you apparently haven't said that you're considering marriage, and at what age you'll want to start a family together if you do stay together). But then, so are yours: You're bringing your baggage from your first marriage into play - and let's face it, that's an emotional, irrational stance, just as much.

 

I guess my larger point is, by classifying her as manipulative and rushing you, you're actually adding to the drama rather than trying to deal with this as two human beings with somewhat different emotional needs. Yours are emotional, hers are emotional. That's OK and nobody needs to call anybody names about it. So yes, I think you should absolutely tell her exactly where you stand, and let the chips fall where they may. Why does someone have to be the bad guy?? That kind of white-black thinking really isn't a good basis for a marriage, or for conflict resolution either.

[Janesays]

The fact that this woman is being seen as 'manipulative' to some because she clearly, honestly, and fairly is stating her wants and needs is totally backwards.

 

Manipulative is getting your friends and family to gang up on you and lay the pressure on. Manipulative is hiding pictures of engagement rings in your briefcase. Manipulative is casually mentioning that a cute guy at work is hitting on her and if you don't put or shut up, well, then....

 

Coming to you, completely honest, and saying, "I'm ready to settle down and start a family. If you're not, that's cool, but we'll need to go our separate ways. If you need time to decide, I'll give you X months."

 

That's not the LEAST bit manipulative. That's honest. Straight forward. Fair.

 

That's NO DIFFERENT from a man approaching a woman and saying, "I need to be in a relationship where my sexual needs are being met. If you can't meet them, that's cool, we'll go our separate ways. If you feel like you can meet them, I'm willing to spend X months in therapy working on this with you."

 

There is nothing wrong with NOT wanting marriage and a family. But then again, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WANTING A MARRIAGE AND A FAMILY. The fact that so many people want to CRUCIFY people simply because they have a life goal that differs from their is downright annoying.

 

OP, at your age, I absolutely agree with idea that if you don't know after a year, you're never going to know. You've seen her through all 4 seasons, through every major holiday, throughout normal life ups and downs. If you don't want to marry her now, YOU DON'T WANT TO MARRY HER PERIOD. Secretly, you KNOW this. But you're going to sit and make a bunch of EXCUSES of why you're just 'not ready' because you don't want to risk losing her (and the regular sex) completely just yet.

 

I'm sorry, but that's horrifically selfish and, considering her age, borderline evil.

 

Forget money. Forget power. Forget status. TIME is the only true luxury that we all have in this lifetime. When we are all born, we are all allotted a very limited amount of time. Time to make our dreams come true. Time to live the life that will make us happy. Time to built our futures and enjoy them. That is the ONLY thing of value we possess......AND YOU ARE STEALING HERS.

 

Personally, if I were her, I would have walked on you the moment you gave me the first wishy washy excuse. I would not give you EVEN MORE of my preciously limited time. Instead, I'd look for a man who was ENTHUSIASTIC about marrying me and fathering my children. That man is not you. But, like Ninja said, a lot of woman don't do that. Instead, they get caught up in the initial investment they have already made and stick around longer and longer and longer waiting for something that will NEVER pan out. And their LIVES get RUINED in the process.

 

So if you TRULY care about this woman and you are a man of honor, YOU will walk away from her. You will not string her along for one more year, month, or week. You will FREE her to pursue her life's goals and happiness. And you will not waste one more second of her very preciously limited TIME.

 

If you do anything less than that, if YOU try to manipulate HER into sticking around by filling her head full of false promises and dreams, then YOU are a rat. Plain and simple. Man up and walk away if you don't want this woman. It's the right thing to do.

[Mascara]

And to make a somewhat obvious point, an engagement is not marriage. A wedding typically takes a year/18 months to plan. Which means you'll have been with her for at least 2 years, which is PLENTY of time.

 

The engagement is simply saying "I want to marry you and I want us to work towards that goal". You could easily make it a condition of the engagement that you wait for a year to 18 months for the wedding.

 

What your post says loud and clear is that you're not ready to work towards marriage. You don't know if you even want to marry her. And that's fine, but she's not a fool. She knows that's what you're saying.

[Keenly]

Look st all the people trying to tell the OP how much time is enough time. That's 100% subjective. I know a year isn't anywhere near enough time for me. Some one trying to tell me what's best for me because they think I don't know is insulting, as i imagine it would be for him.

 

 

She is manipulative because of the ultimatum part, you know... her " date " . She basically has a gun to the head of the relationship and is saying " if you don't agree, were done. '

 

That's pretty manipulative. She seems to care more about the wedding and the status than the actual marriage. Shes trying to meet societal milestones and she's rushing blindly head first into it.

Edited February 25, 2014 by Keenly

[HappyLove]

Deep down I think the OP knows he doesn't want to marry her.

 

I think your reasons for not getting married are valid. You don't even have a FT job! Is she ok with this or will she expect you to magically get one because you're engaged? You have communication issues. Marriage will not fix a relationship full of problems. She sounds like she wants a wedding not a marriage. Ten years later you'll both be miserable because your both getting married for the wrong reasons.

[Mascara]

Look st all the people trying to tell the OP how much time is enough time. That's 100% subjective. I know a year isn't anywhere near enough time for me.

 

That's true, but my opinions are based a lot on their ages. By the time you're in your 30s you should have had relationships that are short term, long term, lust, love.... and you gather the experience to know the difference between them all. Something which you just don't have in your 20s. If they were 25, I'd say its too soon. But in your 30s and 40s, you tend to know sooner. Hence his hesitation. He does know. But so does she.

[bubbaganoosh]

IMO, be honest with her and lay the cards on the table. She deserves to know how you feel about it and you concerns.

 

If you can't be honest with her now, then your marriage to her would start out on a doubt. Then it will only get worse.

 

I understand her point and yours but honesty and openness has to be one of the cornerstones in a marriage.

 

Going into a marriage when one of you isn't ready is a recipe for a broken marriage and divorce.

[Janesays]

Look st all the people trying to tell the OP how much time is enough time. That's 100% subjective. I know a year isn't anywhere near enough time for me. Some one trying to tell me what's best for me because they think I don't know is insulting, as if imagine it would be for him.

 

 

She is manipulative because of the ultimatum part, you know... her " date " . She basically has a gun to the head of the relationship and is saying " if you don't agree, were done. '

 

That's pretty manipulative. She seems to care more about the wedding and the status than the actual marriage. Shes trying to meet societal milestones and she's rushing blindly head first into it.

 

Bull to the fing crap. These people are in their THIRTIES. Not their 20's. If she wants children of her own someday, she doesn't HAVE 5 years to take her time and 'figure it out.' Did you know that at 35, the chances of having a child with downs syndrome are now 1 in 350? That's a HUGE risk for a woman to take if she's say, 32. She doesn't HAVE another year to stick around only for it not to pan out. If it's not going to pan out, it's gotta not pan out NOW. That way she has a couple of years to look for someone else.

 

That's not being manipulative. That's being REALISTIC about her options.

 

I saw NOTHING in the OP that would lead me to believe this woman only wants marriage and family for superficial reasons. OP didn't say that his girlfriend was hinting at a huge fairytale wedding, looking for a mcmansion to buy, or drooling over 5 caret diamond rings.

 

Is is so hard for some people to believe that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE her life goals include being a wife and a Mother? And that there is NOTHING wrong with wanting to be those two things?

 

Should she give up her LIFE GOALS simply because YOU don't see any value in them? Because that's what she'd be doing by sticking with this dude for another year or 5. She'd be p issing away her life and her dreams.

 

And even if she DOES want marriage and children for what YOU would label superficial reasons.....SO WHAT!??! It is HER life. Isn't she allowed to pursue what makes her happy? I'm willing to be that the cell phone in your pocket is a superficial waste TO ME, but does that mean you should throw it in the trash and not be allowed to buy another because that's where MY value system lies?

 

She's not 'threatening' to walk. She is simply informing him that she will HAVE to walk or else miss out living the life she wanted to live. The 'pressure' is all in his head.

 

As I said, if he was really worried about HER best interest, he would have opened the door and let her go already. But he hasn't. And instead he's sitting on a forum trying to come up with a ways to get her to stick around and make HIM happy....at the expense of her own.

 

THAT is manipulative.

[Ruby Slippers]

-We've only been dating a year. I don't think that's enough time for me to really "know", at least on a realistic level. We haven't lived together, and seems unlikely to allow this prior to an engagement. And since I made a somewhat rushed, emotional decision the first time I got engaged, I don't want to be "pressured" into it if I do so again.

I think you know after a year whether you want to marry someone or not. Of course the first step would be getting engaged, and I think it's reasonable to insist upon living together for a certain amount of time before any concrete wedding plans are made. If living together for, say, 3 months is a disaster, you break off the engagement.

 

-I don't have a full time job, have had issues finding work, and do not feel particularly financially secure. This is a serious issue because I know she specifically wants to start a family.

I think this is the biggest problem, and it has nothing to do with her. Mature, marriage- and family-minded men prioritize finding full-time employment above everything else, and you'd certainly do this if you wanted a family yourself. You're not ready to be married and provide for a family, and this would be true no matter who you were with.

 

We have some communications issues we're working on. This is the big one for me, emotionally speaking. We're just not quite there yet in terms of resolving arguments, conflicts, etc. She's still got some walls up, and I'm still learning exactly how to handle certain types of situations with her.

You can work through this if you want to. The much larger issue is that you're not financially stable, hence not ready for the responsibilities of marriage and family.

 

She is going on an out of state vacation/arts training month in a few months; this is to get some space to see how we really feel about each other and what we want for the future. (I knew she was planning this, but had hoped it was more about her taking a break from her job and doing something she'd always wanted to do than some kind of "test" for me).

I don't see it as a test. Time to yourself is an excellent way to reflect and get in touch with what you really want, what is and is not working for you in your life.

 

She has a date in mind that she is willing to wait for. (She has mentioned this before), which she claims I don't know (I do know it, it's in May).

I think this is smart, too. Why should she wait around for a guy who isn't ready to take the step that she is ready to take?

 

Now, all this is not exactly an ultimatum, but it's darn close to one. It feels more than a little manipulative and limiting, even though I don't think she intends it to be.

I agree with other posters that there's nothing manipulative about clearly stating what you want and setting boundaries about what you will and will not accept. It's self-respecting. If you don't want to marry her, someone else will, and she's smart not to waste her child-bearing years in a stagnant relationship.

 

Point being, I'm not going to be ready to ask her to marry me by her "date in mind". This almost certainly isn't going to work the way she'd like it to. She doesn't seem interested in compromising with me on some sizeable life decisions, or in being patient with me while I juggle my personal conflicts and stresses.

She's smart not to compromise on what she wants. You aren't ready, and you might not be ready for years.

 

I don't want to be a doomsayer, but what's the healthy thing to do for the relationship, and each other at this point in time?

Tell her directly that you're not ready and will not be ready in May. Then let her make her decision with all the information. I expect she will end the relationship, as there's no point wasting more time in a dead-end relationship. Since she wants marriage and a family, this is now a dead-end relationship.

[KathyM]

I think you should sit down with your girlfriend and talk about what things each feels need to take place in order for both of you to feel comfortable with taking the next step to getting engaged. Make a list, in fact, of what specific things needs to happen, and the steps to accomplish those things. For example, if her conflict resolution skills needs work, put on that list "Improve conflict resolution skills", and then the steps to accomplish that (i.e., go to couples' counseling to work on conflict resolution skills). If you put the barriers down on paper, they may seem more solveable, and getting those issues resolved will be the determining factor on when to get engaged. By laying this out in concrete terms, you will also be giving her the message that you want to work towards an engagement with her. One year of knowing each other is often enough for some people to be ready to make the commitment, but if there are issues that are concerning you and keeping you from feeling confident in taking the next step, then you need to work on those if you want to keep this woman, and have a concrete plan worked out between you on how to progress the relationship. Just saying that you are not ready yet may seem to her to be a stalling tactic and may cause her to lose confidence that you will ever be ready. Discuss a strategy to progress the relationship, and make it in concrete terms. And be reasonable about that strategy. You don't have to be making a lot of money before you get married. You don't have to have a certain type of house before you get married, or be a certain place in your career. I do agree that you should have a reliable job before taking the next step, so put that as a goal to getting engaged, and develop a good strategy for getting a job. It doesn't have to be your ideal job, just a reliable job, since money issues do cause a strain on the relationship, and you want to have that under control before taking the next step.