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Goodbye Letter Regret


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Posted

So I sent my ex a short goodbye letter immediately after the last time I spoke with her on the phone (3 days post BU). It basically just said we had some good times, I am at peace, you are beautiful & funny, good luck in life, and that I am walking away with my dignity (I didn't blow up her phone or beg obsessively before this.. just told her I was heart broken and that I really loved her). Then I went NC to move on.

 

At the time it really helped me express my feelings and helped me accept the situation tremendously since she didn't give me closure during the breakup. Now I feel this was pointless and I should have just sucked it up. My regret is that this probably SEVERELY hurt any chance to get back together in the future, which I am having trouble letting go of even though I am maintaining NC and starting to feel like I am healing significantly, but the point is to move on anyways which the letter helped me do? Catch 22 I guess.

 

Needless to say if anyone is currently healing and thinking of sending a letter my advice is to write the stuff down and wait a month before you send anything.

Posted

I don't think you should regret sending the letter at all. You chose to do something you thought was a good idea at the time. You put your feelings out there in case she didn't know.

 

I don't think it had any impact of saving your relationship at all. A letter does nothing but boosts the ego of the dumper. It might drive them a bit further away in the short term, but if they are coming back they will regardless of a little letter.

 

It sounds like you're still fresh out of the breakup and still thinking of getting back together. The longer you hold on to that thought the longer it will take to recover. Let go and you will find yourself in a better place whether she comes back or not.

 

I agree with your advice man, always wait to see if your feelings are the same a few weeks later... no harm in waiting.

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Posted

Thank you for the support. Your right.. if this is what I needed to help me move on at the time then no regrets. What will be will be.. I just need to continue focusing on me and forget she exists. :cool:

Posted

From what you have said about the letter, I dont think it would have any impact on your chances in the future, so you needn't regret it for that reason. I did the same with a post breakup talk and farewell and it was really helpful to me in moving on. Less regretting and more forgetting :)

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Posted

Yeah just chalk this down for future reference when your heart is broken. I did all that stuff too and then some. It made me feel weak

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Posted

Stop worrying i think thats a fine letter to write... and honestly it wouldnt have any impact on anything xx

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Posted

Goodbye letters are often shunned because two things usually happen:

 

1.) The dumpee comes off as needy/desperate or as manipulative. In other words, they either pour their heart out and plead/beg...or they come off as trying to feign indifference to rouse interest (there's a reason many "ex back" systems suggest sending a "second chance" letter)

 

2.) The dumpee usually second guesses their decision and picks on themselves emotionally.

 

You're guilty of #2...but not so much #1.

 

You did this for YOU. You're fine.

 

I wouldn't worry about reconciling - the breakup is still fresh, so just stick to NC and HEAL. That's your primary goal.

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Posted

Writing, for me, is a really great way of coping. Sometimes, I just need to vomit my thoughts onto paper and then into a Word Doc that I have created. It didn't start out to be a journal, but it's now 17 pages, single spaced. I find that I don't seem to need to write in it as much any longer, but it has really helped me along this journey. I even titled it, "Letters to (her name)". She'll never see them, but I write them to her, for the most part. It's really good therapy. The thing that I have also learned from writing these types of letters to her, is that knowing she'll never see them and see how much I loved her actually makes me feel good. Kindof like the greatest gift she'd ever receive, but I get to keep it from her. I know, kindof pathetic, but my wounds are so deep that I have to do something.

 

You keep thinking that if they only knew how much you were sorry, how much you truly cared, how much you were willing to "fix" whatever it was that broke...That they'd at least allow you a chance to plead your case. Such is not going to ever happen for most of us and we are only keeping ourselves lost and hurting longer. The faster we can figure a way to move on, the healthier and better we will be, especially to those that still care for us.

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Posted (edited)
Goodbye letters are often shunned because two things usually happen:

 

1.) The dumpee comes off as needy/desperate or as manipulative. In other words, they either pour their heart out and plead/beg...or they come off as trying to feign indifference to rouse interest (there's a reason many "ex back" systems suggest sending a "second chance" letter)

 

2.) The dumpee usually second guesses their decision and picks on themselves emotionally.

 

You're guilty of #2...but not so much #1.

 

You did this for YOU. You're fine.

 

I wouldn't worry about reconciling - the breakup is still fresh, so just stick to NC and HEAL. That's your primary goal.

 

 

Thank you for the support. You guys are right.. no need to beat myself up over this... I didn't beg, put her on a pedistool, feign indifference, or write a ten page long letter. I just took a few paragraphs and told her I enjoyed our relationship, wished her the best, and that i needed to walk away to protect my dignity ( I never begged and was afraid if I maintained contact I would end up doing so )... nothing wrong with that.

 

Thank you again for the wise words and support. Y'all are really helping me move forward.

Edited by monsoon281
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