Scott Thomas Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 1. There was only one RA 2. We divorced. 3. I was single for five years and ... Well, you get the idea 4. I was (and am) under the assumption that my sexuality wasn't anyone else's business. 5. Trust me, you have no idea what she took-that painting that she destroyed was worth more than her possessions combined. 1
EasternStandard Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 ES can you elaborate? Do you see those sentences as being contradictory? If you love your wife and have a great relationship explain why you do not feel guilty? I'm really just asking in a matter of fact way, I'm just curious Do you Compartmentalize? Feel entitled? Or block out what you are doing? I think I don't have guilt since I wasn't looking for an affair. I was happy with my marriage when I met the OW and I continue to be happy with my marriage even as our affair continues.
Anne Boleyn Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Hmmm... When it came to my own marriage, did I feel guilty? No, not really. We were both on the outs, we knew it, we just hadn't put it into words. Did I feel bad for doing something I worried would hurt him? Yes. But I didn't feel guilty for doing it. As was said earlier, we both were checked out. When it came to his marriage, when it started he did feel guilty. They were also on the outs, he'd left, then came back, and felt guilty that he was having an affair when he was supposed to be trying to fix things, even though he didn't particularly want to. When he had DDay and they separated, there was no guilt because we were together in the knowledge and with the "permission" I guess of his estranged wife. When she said she wanted R, he said he didn't, but he went back... He felt that he wasn't "allowed" to leave her anymore for religious reasons as she wanted to R. He didn't want to R, he didn't want to be with her, but he felt he had to be because that's what his faith commanded of him. When our A resumed not too long after, he said he didn't feel guilty... That he openly said he wasn't happy, he didn't want to R, that he knew she didn't really want to R either (or not R for the right reasons, I guess), and he'd felt that spiritually if he wanted to leave, he could, despite the fact she was still pressing for the disingenuous R. That said, it took a little bit to disentangle himself from her, during which time our relationship didn't stop, and neither of us felt guilty for maintaining it. She knew it was happening, just didn't want to hear about it or know about it, but she didn't want him to leave either. For me, I felt bad for her even pitied her a little at times and various points throughout our relationship, but other than the initial guilt before his DDay, I largely did not feel guilty over our affair with consideration to her. I felt like the marriage was over, she insisted as much, and she only changed her mind and wanted an R for reasons that were disingenuous. Then after, when affair maintained, I didn't feel guilt because she knew it was going on and was clearly OK with it as long as she didn't have to see it, hear about it, and he didn't leave her ultimately. In fact, I think if we wanted to and he never, ever mentioned to her leaving or wanting a divorce, or mentioned directly our relationship, we could have had our affair in full knowledge of her, as long as we didn't confront her about it or rock her boat, for an indefinite period of time. She would have been OK with our relationship if she didn't have to see it or deal with it, or deal with him leaving. That could have been the acceptable, lifelong dynamic of marriage for her. It was his not being happy with it and trying to leave, not the affair itself, that caused problems. And he didn't feel guilty on behalf of my husband, at any point. He wasn't fond of my husband. At all. 1
Recommended Posts