MissTakes Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 A few months back, my xMM and I had a long conversation about what happened between us, and what we were going to do about it moving forward. We were very, very honest with each other - neither side pulled punches, and things were said that could have been very hurtful if there was malice behind them. Among the many things he said, though, a few stuck out and have stayed with me. One of those was that he didn't feel guilty. He seemed to almost feel bad telling me it, but he was adamant: although he knew that he was supposed to, guilt was not an emotion he registered regarding our A. I find that I'm still trying to wrap my head around that one. We never had a dday, which I think could have contributed. Still... Any MM or MW who have insights?
spoonman Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Even though I'm very new to the whole A thing. I have spent time with a few people looking for the one. During that time I never, ever felt guilt. I don't really like my wife, or her me, but there's children. We are getting our "ducks in a row" so to speak to end this marriage. Maybe he's in the same boat. 4
Realist3 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 (edited) Never felt one ounce of guilt ever. So the question was why not. I had already checked out of the relationship years prior. Edited February 24, 2014 by Realist3 4
spoonman Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I had already checked out of the relationship years prior. Much better said.
uneek74 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 (edited) ExMM told me he felt no guilt when we ended our 8 year relationship. He stated he had checked out emotionally out of his relationship way before I came into the pic. He also said it was what he wanted. Edited February 24, 2014 by uneek74
herself Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I didnt. Idk why, it scares me, but maybe I made enough excuses like....no one knows, Im a happier wife to my husband, I didnt sleep with him....all the standard tjings plus compartmwntalizing helped too. I guess since I love my husband so much (I know it sounds backwards) I still felt like I brought the same love and attention to my marriage.
Lady2163 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I was married, but separated when I had my "affairs". No guilt, I was planning to divorce, husband was a jerk, and I also like the phrase "checked out". If a man wants to be selfish in and out of the bedroom, I believe it is only a matter of time before the spouse wanders.
Ailsa1983 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I had also checked out my marriage before I got involved with MM but I think this is more a female thing, if I was happy in my marriage there is no wY I would have strayed I'm not saying this is the case for all. From my eMM point of view he felt extreme guilt at the beginning, this was his first time straying from home, he has been married 30 years, he told me it wasn't so much guilt towards his wife but guilt to his children, he could sometimes not look them in the eye and this did torture him. He once said it would not bother him if his wife found sex elsewhere as he wouldn't blame her as they had been inactive for a year before we started our A. He did love her and he was "happy" with his marriage I think he was more content than happy and being his age he felt he would throw 35 years of his life away for something we weren't even sure would work out. But we were caught and the dramas unfolded, it was like a soap opera (small town, everyone knows everyone's business, very very messy outcome) They still don't have sex he can't do it anymore whether that's guilt, impotency or lack of desire I'm not sure nor am I interested. 2
Nattie Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 My MOM doesn't. We've had the discussion plenty of times, because I am very open about the fact that if our BS's were to find out, we would instantly regret everything. I think I would. I tried to use that, along with subject of kids once to sort of, drift apart but he wasn't having it. And it's not like he's a heartless jerk, who pretends his wife doesn't exist. We openly talk about spouses, they do A LOT together as a family, as do we. Sports, vacations, etc and we're not bothered by it. I know that as the mother of his children he cares about her a lot, as he should. With that said, he insists that he does not and would not ever regret one moment with me. Whether or not that's true doesn't matter, but if he ever does feel guilty, he doesn't let me know it.
jwi71 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 My MOM doesn't. We've had the discussion plenty of times, because I am very open about the fact that if our BS's were to find out, we would instantly regret everything. I think I would. I tried to use that, along with subject of kids once to sort of, drift apart but he wasn't having it. And it's not like he's a heartless jerk, who pretends his wife doesn't exist. We openly talk about spouses, they do A LOT together as a family, as do we. Sports, vacations, etc and we're not bothered by it. I know that as the mother of his children he cares about her a lot, as he should. With that said, he insists that he does not and would not ever regret one moment with me. Whether or not that's true doesn't matter, but if he ever does feel guilty, he doesn't let me know it. At first, I totally agreed with all the previous posters...they (the MM/MW) didn't care because they had checked out - aka nothing to lose. But that then begs the Q...if nothing to lose and no regrets...why not D or be totally open with it? And then this post brought full circle in my mind...those who don't care didn't have d-day...aka...no "real" repercussions. They wife didn't know, the kids didn't know...no fallout or damage really - aside the loss of the AP. (I'm not trying to minimize those feelings of a break-up for anyone...just setting that aside). Thoughts on that? That those who don't care didn't face the loss of the spouse or kids or family life....so, yeah, no regrets....in that case... 1
Nattie Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 At first, I totally agreed with all the previous posters...they (the MM/MW) didn't care because they had checked out - aka nothing to lose. But that then begs the Q...if nothing to lose and no regrets...why not D or be totally open with it? And then this post brought full circle in my mind...those who don't care didn't have d-day...aka...no "real" repercussions. They wife didn't know, the kids didn't know...no fallout or damage really - aside the loss of the AP. (I'm not trying to minimize those feelings of a break-up for anyone...just setting that aside). Thoughts on that? That those who don't care didn't face the loss of the spouse or kids or family life....so, yeah, no regrets....in that case... I can tell you will almost absolute certainty that if a dday occurred tomorrow, I would probably do a complete 180. One time after seeing him I came home, cried, threw up and SWORE to myself that I was done. I didn't talk to him for a few weeks, but the fear and guilt wore off and everything resumed as usual. I've never felt more guilt and regret in my life... but the feeling of being invincible came back. It's awful, I don't want to stop seeing him, but I wish I had never met him in the first place. 3
central Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 There is no guilt because we are in a consensually open, responsibly non-monogamous relationship. We are each other's ideal partner, but occasionally like some variety, and sometimes we also get that together by finding another couple in the swinger community. This wouldn't work if we didn't have a great relationship - if we didn't have one, we probably wouldn't be together, rather than cheat. 1
PurpleCardigan Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 At first, I totally agreed with all the previous posters...they (the MM/MW) didn't care because they had checked out - aka nothing to lose. But that then begs the Q...if nothing to lose and no regrets...why not D or be totally open with it? And then this post brought full circle in my mind...those who don't care didn't have d-day...aka...no "real" repercussions. The wife didn't know, the kids didn't know...no fallout or damage really - aside the loss of the AP. (I'm not trying to minimize those feelings of a break-up for anyone...just setting that aside). Thoughts on that? That those who don't care didn't face the loss of the spouse or kids or family life....so, yeah, no regrets....in that case... Yup...^^^^this. From a single xOW perspective, I think there is a lot of truth to this. I also combine it (in my head) with the comments from married folks both on this board and in the infidelity area where he/she states that the affair relationship wasn't worth the risk and that essentially many AP are disposable when compared to the comfort and security of "home" or the "kids". Since there is no fallout and no negative consequences only ego stroking, sex, or something else so there is no change in behavior nor any incentive to deal with any marriage issues. The Other Person is a band-aid for cake eaters. The good news is that remembering this keeps me from contacting him and from ever being an OW again. Yeah, I'm bitter/angry sometimes over everything, including my decisions in all of it. 4
txgrl Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 So if your OW became available today, you'll leave your W and M? What does that mean when you say you've checked out of your M? I'm just trying to understand . I felt like I could easily break up my M and break all bonds with H and just move on with OM, but when D was initiated, it was sooo difficult and heartwrenching to go through . and that's when I knew I hadn't checked out . and this also answers some OM/OW question here, MAP sometimes don't know how they're going to feel if a D actually happens. I had no clue and i was very sincerely future planning with OM. I dont call it future faking because I wasnt trying to lead him on. I meant every word I said but basically I didnt know what I was talking about. 6
Sub Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 There is no guilt because we are in a consensually open, responsibly non-monogamous relationship. We are each other's ideal partner, but occasionally like some variety, and sometimes we also get that together by finding another couple in the swinger community. This wouldn't work if we didn't have a great relationship - if we didn't have one, we probably wouldn't be together, rather than cheat. I could be wrong, but I think the OP was referring to guilt as a result of the deception involved with an A. Totally understandable that guilt isn't present in a mutually agreed upon open relationship. And hats off that you and your partner/spouse have managed that in an honest and responsible way.
Gunthar Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 For me, after everything I've suffered in my M, I'm entitled. I'll never have any guilt toward my W for anyone I get involved with. Granted, I have a fairly unique situation. What do I feel horribly guilty about is the raw fear I unintentionally put in my AP, exposing us and forcing her to say goodbye. I feel more down that I miss her, but when I get my mind off of this and just on how she feared her world was about to unravel at any time, I can barely stand myself. 2
Author MissTakes Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 (edited) What was so interesting to me in reflecting back on the conversation is that I realized he was trying to apologize to me for that fact. That is, he didn't feel guilty about what had happened between us, but he did feel guilty for putting me in that situation. It seems like from what I'm hearing from others here, that's probably due in large part to the fact that there's been no d-day, and potentially that he's checked out of his marriage. Side note - he used to wear his ring when we were out in public, but he would take it off when it was just the two of us. I guess I always assumed that it was a guilt thing... but could there be a different explanation for that? Edited February 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Reference to redacted quote deleted. 1
gettingstronger Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 (edited) Misstakes- I feel like the convo was geared to keep you in the A-he was showing "respect" for you (the whole its me, not you) to help alleviate any guilt you may have had- he was letting you off the hook-letting you know it was OK not to have guilt-I don't understand those than have to know or even care about someone to feel guilt about what they are doing to that person-that doesn't seem reasonable to me- Edited February 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Popsicle Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I have a married friend who had an affair with a MM. Her MM felt guilty but did not feel guilty at all. Not one bit.
EasternStandard Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I have wondered about this before. I am a MM and I am having an affair. I almost never feel guilt about it. I also do love my wife very much and we have a great relationship.
TaylorLane Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I have wondered about this before. I am a MM and I am having an affair. I almost never feel guilt about it. I also do love my wife very much and we have a great relationship. ES can you elaborate? Do you see those sentences as being contradictory? If you love your wife and have a great relationship explain why you do not feel guilty? I'm really just asking in a matter of fact way, I'm just curious Do you Compartmentalize? Feel entitled? Or block out what you are doing? 2
verity123 Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 (edited) I have wondered about this before. I am a MM and I am having an affair. I almost never feel guilt about it. I also do love my wife very much and we have a great relationship. Contradiction??? My MM felt guilty when his children's grandfather got ill (his father in law) he went really weird and said he felt bad seeing me when his kids were so upset. Mind you when he was better, he seemed to have no guilt about seeing me. Edited February 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
blacknoir Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 One of those was that he didn't feel guilty. He seemed to almost feel bad telling me it, but he was adamant: although he knew that he was supposed to, guilt was not an emotion he registered regarding our A. I find that I'm still trying to wrap my head around that one. We never had a dday, which I think could have contributed. Still... Any MM or MW who have insights? As others have said, one of the reasons that some men have an A is because they have emotionally "checked out" of their relationship, and they need/require a catalyst of sorts to give them that one final push. In my situation, I have been emotionally (and physically) "checked out" of my M for years. However, I never did anything about it. I worked long, long hours at work, came home to eat a quick dinner, put the munchkins to bed, and then retired to my home office, where I stared at a blank computer screen, sometimes for hours at a time, until finally I was too tired and went to bed, sleeping restlessly next to a woman who I felt nothing for. The MOW was a co-worker in my group, and she was going through her own D (and issues). Although it started as purely a sexual A, my emotions let the relationship develop (for me) into something more emotional. Although that relationship is now over, (very recently in fact, and I'm still raw over the OW ending it), the more I reflect, I realize that the A gave me the kick in the butt to finally accept what my heart has been telling me for so long - that my M was indeed over, not salvagable, and that I needed to move forward with my own life, for me. So...no - I feel no guilt over the A. It was what I "needed" to get to my better place, and I can live with myself. 3
violet1 Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I went through spurts of guilt. Sometimes I wouldn't feel anything and other times I'd feel so much guilt I could hardly function. I wanted the affair so I learned how to be a pro at compartmentalizing. I literally lived a double life. It worked until my H caught me. On D Day, I felt so much guilt and regret when I saw the pain on my H's face. 2
Scott Thomas Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 We separated after her A so My A was a RA: calculated and designed to hurt. I'd been faithful all my life so I set out to make her feel the pain I had suffered. Really pointless, considering that if she cared so much then she wouldn't have cheated in the first place. We remarried after 5 years, but that was after a dated 16 women. Do I regret having a RA? Not sure about this one: it did wake her up and she tried reconciling. Violet, care to share an update on your M/ post-A life, perhaps in your thread since I don't want to hijack this thread.
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