underscore44 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I waited a little bit to tell my story but either way i knew i would come back on here to post and help a lot of people out. I feel its right to give back to a community that helped me when i was down. My ex and I were together for 8 years and had just got engaged. 4 months after the engagement she had left me. Saying that it didn't feel right anymore and couldn't go on We were separated for close to 6 months and are now talking again and moving towards working things out and most likely going forward with the engagement and everything else. What i am going to do is share with you what i did and how it came to us getting back together and why we chose to do. Relationships ( both new and old) break-ups and sometimes make -ups are all a part of life whether you choose to accept that or not. Lets take a moment to really break down what i did and why your life and how you choose to go about it is very important. 1) The break up is going to be hard no matter how you look at it. Choose right now to accept it and find people to talk to. -I had many friends and family willing to listen to me and help me push through what I was feeling. -Let the pain and feelings out. Don’t bottle them up, let people know you are hurting and allow them to open up to you and talk. Don’t shut anyone out. 2) I got rid of everything that reminded me of my ex. -I am not saying I trashed everything, We had a lot of memories together so most i put some things in a box and stored it away “ LONG TERM” 3) Get off of social media for a bit. Trust me on this one that. Trying to find pictures and information about your ex really is only hurting you and no one else -I disappeared completely, took my Facebook down and never again attempted to find out what my ex was doing 4) Stop listening to peoples advice in the wrong way. This is and was HUGE for me and it will be for you too. No contact, limited contact, jealousy. These are NOT games and stop using these as so. When myself and or anyone else tells you to stop contact. You are not trying to get your ex to miss you and or not trying to get them to wonder what you are up to. No contact is for you to move on and trying to be friends or spill your heart out is not doing a damn thing other than making you suffer long term. 5) If you need to make contact and or want to try and work things out that do it, honestly because either way your going to get the information you need. Let things cool off a little bit so give it a few weeks -Dont plead or beg though just simply ask if you can talk -Its ok to be ignored or told no because honestly you gave it a try and it is much better to know that you gave it all you had and the other party just wanted nothing to do with it. -Once and or if you have done this then there really is no need to make anymore contact 6) Stop thinking that you posting pictures with a new girl or guy on Facebook is going to make your partner jealous and come running back to you with open arms. You are dipping down to a level that shows just how weak you are. 7) Its now time to move on. When someone tells you that it takes 1 month for evey year you have been together or some kind of time frame to get over your ex THEY ARE WRONG !! -You will start to get over your ex as soon as you accept the fact that you are ready to do so -Regardless this is harder than it seems but watch as the weeks pass how you start to feel 8) Get those thoughts of life being over, you can never move on, you would rather die, out of your head RIGHT NOW. -Your life is unique and amazing. The fact that you get a chance to live is an amazing opportunity and should be cherished every single day no matter what. 9) Emotions are hard to control but you can choose to feel a certain way. You’re going to hurt but you can also choose to feel good about yourself and you can choose to move on -Trust me when i tell you that 6 months from now can go two different ways. You can spend those 6 months moving forward and choosing to feel good or you can stay in your state of mind and have achieved nothing in 6 months 10) Go out with friends, find new things to enjoy. Date around a little bit. I don’t meet try to sleep with everyone you talk to and Definitely don’t just jump into a relationship. Just don’t be afraid to go to a bar and talk to a new guy or girl. Don’t be afraid to have a dinner and a nice conversation with a new person. 11) Finally work on yourself. Don’t dwell on the past cause no one wants to be with someone who gave up on life. Someone that let a relationship or an event define them. You are a fantastic and unique person so let others see that. 12) You are now a different person and can do and go anywhere you want so EMBRACE THIS !!!! -Do things you never would have done -Reconnect with old friends -Spend more time with some family -Live your god damn life for a little bit !! You only have one shot at it so make it worth living I moved on with my life when my ex had left me. I tried to work things out when she had left but it never went anywhere so i stopped and began to move on. It was very hard for me but I chose to not let it define me anymore. I had started my own business so i put all of my time into that. I made new friends by going out and talking with new people. I went on dates with new people and had a great time getting the chance to just meet new people. My ex was always on my mind but it was never for me wanting her back or for me worried if she was with someone new or not. Little things would remind of stuff we had done and that would be it. Of course i sometimes wondered what she was up to or how she was doing but i never let it get passed that. I had truly moved on because i chose to do that. My ex reached out to me after about 6 months. After a little while i agreed to meet up for dinner and just talk for a little bit. We had a great time and never brought up the past. After a few more times of meet and talking we agreed to get back together. I hope this helps any of you and I would love to talk more if anyone would like to ask questions but i do want to leave on this note. Move on and move forward. Stop letting the pain and anger of a past relationship define who you are. You have one chance on life and it is a gift that you should waste. This will get better trust me. You need sometime to realize this and time really does heal all but time better spent heals even faster Pick your head up and tell yourself everyday that everything is going to be ok because trust me it will be !!! If you do happen to get back with your ex then let the old relationship die and move towards something new. Either way in time you will find that you are someone completely different working towards a new and amazing life most likely with someone new that you will also fall in love with just like you did before. 9
jphcbpa Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 (edited) congrats and best of luck. how soon after did you start dating. did you get online or just meet women out and about? I assume you went NC? Edited February 24, 2014 by jphcbpa
Author underscore44 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 I went no contact yes. I can't really say how long i waited to date i more or less was just out with friends and would start talking to people and eventually go out to dinner or something or meet up again with the people i met. I did try to the online thing for a little bit but that got to be too much and wasn't really for me. Met people who really weren't who they said they were so kind of stuck to real world situations and face to face interactions.
jphcbpa Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I went no contact yes. I can't really say how long i waited to date i more or less was just out with friends and would start talking to people and eventually go out to dinner or something or meet up again with the people i met. I did try to the online thing for a little bit but that got to be too much and wasn't really for me. Met people who really weren't who they said they were so kind of stuck to real world situations and face to face interactions. how long did it take you to feel over the hump, like you let go and smashed the idea of reconcile?
Author underscore44 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 This might sound cliched but after about 3 months you start to get exhausted about the idea of maybe getting back together and the fact of constantly having that thought in your mind. You honestly do start to move on without ever knowing it is happening. That combined with accepting the fact and telling yourself it is time to move on, you will be surprised how good to start to feel as the days, weeks and months go on
jphcbpa Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Why did she come back? What clicked for her? How did she contact you?
Author underscore44 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 She came back because she missed us being together. We both had our issues and we both willing to work together on everything. Relationships take work past the part of it being lustful and new. You both just have to be on the same page and at the time we just weren't. The separation was good and we both saw that as well. I can't say how i know things will turn out 5 years from now but we can at least say we gave it a shot
MoooOinkBaaa Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 thanks for sharing your story. i have to say though, if she really loved you she wouldn't of left for six months. she said she missed you out of her life but she couldn't of felt that strongly about you to leave you. it sounds like she just wanted you in her life more than she wanted you out of it. but if she really loved you she wouldn't want you out at all. it's as if her life isn't so great without you in it, she thought it would be?
dontgiveuponme Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Me and my ex fiancee of 3 years are back together aswell but its more complicated and hard for me coz a day after the breakup(im the dumpee)he go out seeing girls and had an affair w/c he said is his way of coping. Not less than a month after the break up he comes back saying sorry and he regret what he did and ask for a second chance. I maybe stupid for doing that but in my opinion everyone deserves a second chance. This past 3 days i have an emotional breakdown and i dont know anymore if i did the right thing of accepting him back. Is this normal? Sometimes when i have nothing to do i think about the affair he had and it hurts me so bad. I dont trust him anymore and im scared he will do it again in the future.
Author underscore44 Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 Mooink - i know exactly what you mean and have asked myself that question a thousand times. If you really did love someone how could you leave and how long would it be before you or they left again ? There are many things i did not add to how our relationship was and we were by no means perfect. I think for me regardless of how things were it is worth giving things a chance to see where they go. If it does not work then i can honestly say that i did everything i could. Dontgiveup - Your situation is a bit different and i can't say anyone has a real answer for you. I personally don't think you gave yourself enough time to heal over the situation and that everything was too fresh for you to jump back in. Things will be as good as you make them though and if you can honestly let the past go and move forward than you will feel much better about yourself and your relationship. If you cannot then i would have a serious conversation with your fiancé about what it is you both really are looking for. This can really help the both of you move forward together or realize it is better to be apart. 1
dontgiveuponme Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 Underscore44 Thank you so much for the advice i really appreciate it and would love to seek more advice from you in the future. I cant really express what i feel in words because english is not my mother language. 1
hotpotato Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I've noticed that a lot of people who've been together for nearly a decade take some kind of break from each other. I think it may be normal, actually. 1
Author underscore44 Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 Dontgiveup - You are more than welcome to contact me at anytime in the future on here. Sometimes people just need someone else to talk to who has been in a similar situation. Hotpotato - I couldn't agree with you more. Many of my friends, most of whom are married now have all been with their partners about about 7-10 years now and every single one of them has gone their separate ways before coming back together and getting married. I can honestly say they are all very happily married now. Those of my friends that did not reconcile with their ex are actually all in very stable relationships that they are also very happy to be in. You just have to not be afraid for tomorrow and accept the fact that things will happen that are completely out of your control !! It is a way of life and this will by no means be the first nor the last bump in the road. We have to learn how to keep our heads up and constantly move forward no matter what brings you down. 5
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