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Uncomfortable feelings


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Posted

Hello everyone, I have been lurking here for awhile and finally decided to post. I am a single OW in an A with an 11 year older MM for over a year now. We live about 2.5 hours apart so in terms of this site we are in a LDR. I meet my MM just after a bad break up where he offered male advise as to what my ex was thinking; well time, communication and availability lead to our A.

 

My MM is a bit confusing to me at times. On one hand I hear from him daily, usually around the same time everyday, we text multiple times throughout the day but more so on week days than weekends. We see each other monthly but only when he sets the time as if I try it is always turned down, so I have stop asking and let him arrange that part.

 

Here is my confusion in the beginning MM never spoke about his W. I would ask as this is the first situation as this I have ever been in and got basically told to stop asking, I know this his 3rd affair and the last ended due to those types of questions. So I stopped but now all of a sudden a year into it he talks about her all the time and when I ask to change the subject he seems to get a bit upset. Why talk about her now?

 

He also use to ask me how my day was, what were my plans for the weekend but now I almost feel as though I am a bother to him. When I ask him about this he says everything is fine but I am not sure. I almost feel like he is waiting for me to say this isn't working.

Posted

your gut feelings are probably correct. follow them. pre-affair, if a friend were to lay out the scenario you're in and ask for advice what would you tell them?

 

 

((hugs))

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Posted

There are all sorts of theories that can be offered and probably will be. I do have a few, but one thing I'd like to know...

 

My question to you: is this how you WANT to be treated?

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted
your gut feelings are probably correct. follow them. pre-affair, if a friend were to lay out the scenario you're in and ask for advice what would you tell them?

 

 

((hugs))

 

I would say if you feel like a bother then lessen your availability to him. Stop being at his beck and call BUT even though I know that is the advice I would give I am not sure if I can take it. He was the only one there for me after the break up and has become my best friend. With work and Med school I am super busy so having him fills that void without having to invest in a lot of searching.

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Posted
There are all sorts of theories that can be offered and probably will be. I do have a few, but one thing I'd like to know...

 

My question to you: is this how you WANT to be treated?

 

 

All in all I am not entirely unhappy just confused as to the 180s as at times he is very sweet but others very cold.

 

How I want to be treated is a question I am not sure how to answer, I've never really been treated exceedingly well by males.

Posted
All in all I am not entirely unhappy just confused as to the 180s as at times he is very sweet but others very cold.

 

How I want to be treated is a question I am not sure how to answer, I've never really been treated exceedingly well by males.

 

If you're still I'm school, albeit med school, you're probably around 25, which is still pretty young, believe it or not!

 

One guess I have is that he runs hot and cold because of guilt.

 

Another guess...well, REALLY study what is his motivation for having the affair with you. Unless he is honestly planning on leaving his wife, from what you have described (and I could be wrong) his motivation to be with you is for good sex. Or different sex than he is getting at home. But just sex.

 

When it is just sex and they don't feel anything for you, any effort made beyond sex is a chore. Sometimes they might get more frustrated than others at the time they must invest in order to get the sex they want.

 

He could be a master manipulator. It keeps you "in line" to tell you why his last affair ended. It puts you in your place. It keeps you just a little off-balance and not TOO comfortable.

 

Those are all guesses as I have knowledge of being an OW.

 

Now from a MM cheating perspective. This was someone I knew and I knew the OW as well. When he was ready for the affair to be over, since she could destroy his marriage, it took him almost a year to get her to break up with him...and to be sad about it, not angry. He had to do every trick in the book, some of them more than once...and yet be charming and apologetic about it. He told me it was exhausting and the breaking up aspect would keep him from ever having another affair.

 

Since I knew the OW, I heard everytime he had to cancel plans to get together. I heard everytime he was short on cash, business was suffering, would she mind paying for the hotel room? He was just "too busy" to shop for a birthday present. What finally got him free...was that he told her wife had found a couple of things and was suspicious. He would miss her so so very much, but he wouldn't be able to see her for an undetermined period of time. Wife was monitoring his phone and emails. He'd be in touch when he could. The next time he called, she ended it.

Posted
All in all I am not entirely unhappy just confused as to the 180s as at times he is very sweet but others very cold.

 

How I want to be treated is a question I am not sure how to answer, I've never really been treated exceedingly well by males.

 

Your expectation level has to be higher. You deserve better treatment but I think this MM can only offer you crumbs on his terms and time frame. I noticed he won't come see you if you want to see him, it's him making arrangements, squishing you into his schedule.

 

Really, start saying NO to him. If he gets mad or says something not nice, then you know he isn't as into you as you are into him. It seems he is just having the A and enjoying it for what it is and you want more from him, you've invested emotionally and he hasn't.

 

That hot/cold is his way of controlling you and keeping you interested at the same time.

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Posted
If you're still I'm school, albeit med school, you're probably around 25, which is still pretty young, believe it or not!

 

Im in my early 30s, late decisions as to what I wanted to be.

 

One guess I have is that he runs hot and cold because of guilt.

 

This was my thought as to why he is now bring up the W and making her seem amazing. Why cheat on someone amazing?

 

Another guess...well, REALLY study what is his motivation for having the affair with you. Unless he is honestly planning on leaving his wife, from what you have described (and I could be wrong) his motivation to be with you is for good sex. Or different sex than he is getting at home. But just sex.

 

When it is just sex and they don't feel anything for you, any effort made beyond sex is a chore. Sometimes they might get more frustrated than others at the time they must invest in order to get the sex they want.

 

This part is a bit flipped, he is the one that supplies the amazing sex. I am very inexperienced and have learned a lot over the last year. I never knew that sex could be like it is and I know that I do not do everything that he really would like to do but he is patient with me. So this leads me to believe it is not all about sex as I have been told by him his last A was amazing in that area. Plus if it was all about sex why talk to me daily? Why not just talk to me to set up a "hook up"?

 

He could be a master manipulator. It keeps you "in line" to tell you why his last affair ended. It puts you in your place. It keeps you just a little off-balance and not TOO comfortable.

 

This is very true. I never ever feel too comfortable. I am always left wondering.

 

Those are all guesses as I have knowledge of being an OW.

 

Now from a MM cheating perspective. This was someone I knew and I knew the OW as well. When he was ready for the affair to be over, since she could destroy his marriage, it took him almost a year to get her to break up with him...and to be sad about it, not angry. He had to do every trick in the book, some of them more than once...and yet be charming and apologetic about it. He told me it was exhausting and the breaking up aspect would keep him from ever having another affair.

 

Since I knew the OW, I heard everytime he had to cancel plans to get together. I heard everytime he was short on cash, business was suffering, would she mind paying for the hotel room? He was just "too busy" to shop for a birthday present. What finally got him free...was that he told her wife had found a couple of things and was suspicious. He would miss her so so very much, but he wouldn't be able to see her for an undetermined period of time. Wife was monitoring his phone and emails. He'd be in touch when he could. The next time he called, she ended it.

 

See bold

 

Thank you for your input, you have been very helpful in offering points of view I haven't thought of about with this situation.

Posted
See bold

 

Thank you for your input, you have been very helpful in offering points of view I haven't thought of about with this situation.

 

You're welcome.

 

One thing...men and women are different. After a certain point, women want men who are experienced in the bedroom. Men often WANT a less experienced partner. Training or molding can be a lot of fun for them, though they may grouse about it.

 

True story...I had a roommate who was 26 and would tell girls and their parents he was 21 or 22. He wanted the young girl with little or no experience so she had nothing to compare him to. He was very obese and while I don't know from personal experience, he only had an average size penis, which was made smaller by the fact his belly was in the way!

 

I'm leaning toward an instant dislike for your MM. You may not mean to present him that way. But, I think there's much of what you have said that tells me he manipulates and feeds on your insecurities....A LOT!

 

Oh - and the reason for talking to you every day, this is the minimum he must do to keep you where he wants you.

 

Good luck, be kind to yourself.

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Posted

 

I'm leaning toward an instant dislike for your MM. You may not mean to present him that way. But, I think there's much of what you have said that tells me he manipulates and feeds on your insecurities....A LOT!

 

Oh - and the reason for talking to you every day, this is the minimum he must do to keep you where he wants you.

 

 

I am really not trying to paint him poorly as he really is very considerate and consistent, he just runs hot and cold. But he gets moody a lot, WAY more than any women I have ever met and when he is in a mood I walk on egg shells to try to not upset him as he'll go away for hours and hours.

 

This "the reason for talking to you every day, this is the minimum he must do to keep you where he wants you" single sentence was eye opening to me. I think you are right.

Posted

Three A's for this guy. That alone should be a red flag.

Posted

one poster had it right. it is how he is dealing with his feelings. when he pushes you away it's because he's feeling bad.near the end of my affair I did the same thing in order to push my ex affair partner back to her husband. in your case this affair will probably end very soon

  • Author
Posted
one poster had it right. it is how he is dealing with his feelings. when he pushes you away it's because he's feeling bad.near the end of my affair I did the same thing in order to push my ex affair partner back to her husband. in your case this affair will probably end very soon

 

 

Rick --why not just tell your xAP that you wanted to end things? Did you end it eventually or did she?

Posted

This guy deserves to be told to go eff himself. Such a high maintenance drama queen.

 

He's talking about the wife to make you to compete with her. You'll want to show him you are so much better, right?

 

You must be really inexperienced to believe he's doing you such a favor to have sex with you. He's treating you like a sexual object. Poor guy...you're not up to all his sick fetishes...he's so amazing to put up with you.

 

Early 30s...please treat yourself with dignity. Find someone who wants you and let his 4th affair deal with his moods.

  • Like 3
Posted

How is he very considerate and consistent if he runs hot and cold?

Posted
With work and Med school I am super busy so having him fills that void without having to invest in a lot of searching.

 

Confused, I just wanted to say that this statement describes me and my relationship with CM so very well and I felt like I had to comment because I can relate so much. I'm a third year Med student and the last thing I have time for is dating/ boyfriend issues. The A just really works for me right now because I see CM 1-2 times per week, he fills the need I have for romance and sex, but most of the time I get to be single and spend my time studying etc.

Posted
I am really not trying to paint him poorly as he really is very considerate and consistent, he just runs hot and cold. But he gets moody a lot, WAY more than any women I have ever met and when he is in a mood I walk on egg shells to try to not upset him as he'll go away for hours and hours.

 

This "the reason for talking to you every day, this is the minimum he must do to keep you where he wants you" single sentence was eye opening to me. I think you are right.

 

I could have been gentler when I said that about the bare minimum.

 

One mistake I've made over and over in my life is not correcting when the bare minimum sucks. I've just accepted that he only wants to talk to me once a day, then he's always too tired or that he goes out to eat with friends, but not me (this was a single boyfriend).

 

One of the most powerful phrases that became a mantra is: he's just not that into you.

 

Your man (single or married) should want to talk to you. If he's into you, he is thinking about you - probably as much as you think about him. He is trying to find ways to woo you, when you can have sex again. He is doing awesome things, he is pulling out all the stops.

 

And if he isn't pulling out all the stops....say it with me....he's just not that into you.

 

You can't force someone to be into you. You can't please someone to be into you. Once you realize he's not into you, you might not be as interested I'm devoting time and energy to him.

 

BUT.....

 

You are the sixth or seventh med student I have known online and in real life who is having a relationship with someone who is not truly available. I'm kind of starting to kick around a few hypotheses on this.

 

Med school only gets crazier and more demanding the longer it goes on. At the school where I know people attending med school, when they do go out, the other college men run like hell when they find out the cute girl they are chatting with is a med student. They know they will not be first priority, possibly EVER in the relationship. They know it has to be all about you for many years.

 

It's hard for both male and female med students to maintain a relationship. Yet, med students need love and affection, too so they settle or accept something that gives them crumbs, but works into their schedule....for a while.

Posted
Confused, I just wanted to say that this statement describes me and my relationship with CM so very well and I felt like I had to comment because I can relate so much. I'm a third year Med student and the last thing I have time for is dating/ boyfriend issues. The A just really works for me right now because I see CM 1-2 times per week, he fills the need I have for romance and sex, but most of the time I get to be single and spend my time studying etc.

 

What is CM

 

PS Make that the seventh or eight med student I know...

Posted

Lady, by CM I meant "committed man" since he is not actually married, but he and his girlfriend have been living together for 14+ years.

 

Interesting that you know so many med students! :D

  • Author
Posted
This guy deserves to be told to go eff himself. Such a high maintenance drama queen.

 

He's talking about the wife to make you to compete with her. You'll want to show him you are so much better, right?

 

You must be really inexperienced to believe he's doing you such a favor to have sex with you. He's treating you like a sexual object. Poor guy...you're not up to all his sick fetishes...he's so amazing to put up with you.

 

Early 30s...please treat yourself with dignity. Find someone who wants you and let his 4th affair deal with his moods.

 

WOW I came here for a bit of advice and some of you are rather rude and assuming. I never said he had "sick fetishes" that is an assumption on your part and I already stated that I was pretty inexperienced. I am not really seeing any advice in your post besides treat yourself with dignity yet that advice was not presented in a very dignified way.

Posted

Is there anyway you could find out who his other A's were with? You may be able to get some insight as to whether this is his pattern by speaking to them.

  • Author
Posted
How is he very considerate and consistent if he runs hot and cold?

 

 

If you read my original post you will read that we have been seeing each other for over a year and the hot cold thing just recently started. But I still hear from him daily and if he was not "in to me" as another poster suggested than he would not make the effort of daily communication. He is consistent in his actions to show me he is thinking of me and he is considerate when I ask for space/time when my life gets hectic. When I ask for space I get it. Our situation works VERY well. Yes he is moody but who isn't when living a hidden life and YES that is what most (I say most as I will not assume all) MM, MW and OW/OM do, we live with a part of our lives hidden.

 

My MM has NEVER future fakes with me, NEVER not once and he knows that I HAVE no interest in being with him forever. He is a void filler for me nothing more. I NEVER stated I loved him in my posts so those that are getting that information again are assuming.

 

I simply came here to try to get understanding as to why some think he is now after a year acting a cold and bring up the W. I did not come here to get slammed or be basically called a "hole for use".

Posted

Take the "rude" out of cutedragon's post. Could she be on to something?

Maybe go back and direct what You wrote to see how cutedragon (and I) could come to this assessment...

Peace for you :)

  • Author
Posted
Is there anyway you could find out who his other A's were with? You may be able to get some insight as to whether this is his pattern by speaking to them.

 

 

I know one was just a ONS while away for business a long time ago and the other was several years ago and it lasted about 6 months until she pushed for more and for him to get a divorce. Other than that it is not really my business to bother those women as I know once I move on the last thing I will want is another OW contacting me asking about him.

Posted

Dragon's delivery may be more crude than what you want to hear, but the messages is a good one.

 

You may not like the phrase 'sick fetishes' but he is playing mind games with you. I know you don't see it, it is hard to when you're in it.

 

A MM or not, since this is more than fck buddies, since this is a relationship of sorts, there are still some things you should be receiving.

 

He's keeping you wanting more. He's able to tell you 'no' have you ever told him no, ever made him wait.

 

Anytime you know how great the sex was with a previous affair partner or girlfriend is probably really really tacky. That keeps you just a bit unbalanced and not real secure, since you have the belief with your inexperience you don't measure up. There are exceptions if Grumpy shows up here, I think he has a great story about a Parisian woman and his wife uses that as an affectionate measure of GREAT SEX.

 

Yes, he's in an affair. But he's done this before and he's been seeing you for a year. When you make the trip to see him, he needs to happy his ass up and leave the moodiness for another time when you are apart. He doesn't get to,run hot and cold and jerk you around.

 

From what little you have written, he's not treating you right, even if it is an affair with no future. You deserve more than what he is giving you and like I said, he is playing with your mind.

 

Step back for just a second. If this guy were treating a close friend of yours this way, would you advise her to stay with him. My worry is he has done some things that are all out wrong. We pointed that out, some more tasteful than others and you leaped to his defense.

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