Rainbowx Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 So I've been in several relationships that haven't worked out where I've been abandoned when things get rough. The one I'm in now we just had our first "fight" tonight which resulted in us figuring it out and realizing it was all a misunderstanding, but my fear of abandonment kicks in big time because in the past I've been dumped at basically the first sight of trouble. This guy is different however, all the times we've gone through he's never ran away from, but when negative times like this happens as soon as the thing is discussed he'll go to bed. Every single time. And I don't know why but it scares the hell out of me, and when times are bad he has a difficult time saying sweet things just to make me happy because it feels forced and he loves to be genuine about it. He's such a good guy and I really don't want to screw this up. I need to hang in there until I can afford to move to the USA because the time we've spent living together the first couple of times was incredible. Anyways we both apologized to each other and he said I have nothing to be sorry for and that we're great, I just need to figure out how to kick this terrified of abandonment thing =[
justwhoiam Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 You know what you need after a bad argument or "fight". Let him know. It will get better. He won't mind consoling you after that for a reasonable time (20 minutes?). Unfortunately (for women) the following rules are true: 21 Rules That Men Have. Number 7 Is So True.
Author Rainbowx Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 Hahahahah yeah, that link is all true and I'm used to/aware of pretty much all of it. He's just not good at what you said, consoling me after an argument. If it's late he'll just go to bed afterwards and I'll be left going mad in my head all night. Everything else we're good at dealing with!! When we were together in person it was much easier for him to comfort me but it's a bit different when it's this long distance.
Author Rainbowx Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 (edited) Actually that isn't entirely true. I did tell him I need comforting and he did say to me "we've had this happen a few times before and we got through it and everything's always been fine, we'll be fine this time too" and that I don't need to worry. That's it though, things always take longer to wear off for me, no idea if it's normal or not. Just my irrational fear of abandonment sucks!! Edited February 24, 2014 by Rainbowx REMEMBERED SOMETHING
Author Rainbowx Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 He just woke up and was real cool, talked about it a little, I told him what I'd thought about everything logically and in a constructive way, and he acknowledged that I could use some comfort post arguments if they happen in the future. I love our problem resolving skills
darkmoon Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 (edited) do not think that a man has to stay if he sees "the first sign of trouble" you got away with it, okay, but do not take this luck for granted Edited February 24, 2014 by darkmoon
Author Rainbowx Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 I think I just worded it wrong, I don't really mean that the trouble came from me specifically sorry
FitChick Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 How will you be able to move to the US legally?
Author Rainbowx Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 I was meaning to go to university in New Zealand the semester that just started but when I met him and we figured things out months later it was decided I'd save to go in the USA on a student visa instead, because it's wayyyyy too soon to get married, and we don't want to get married for the wrong reasons
HeavenOrHell Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Are you working on your abandonment issues? Might be worth talking to friends about it, or a therapist, as it wouldn't be fair to make him feel he could never leave you if he wanted out, it's too much pressure for anyone. And it's not fair to bring issues from previous r/ships into our current ones. It's also good to learn how to be strong enough and independent enough to be able to cope if we're left on our own, also to make sure we have enough of a social life and not to make our partner our whole world, but not saying you're doing that. One of the reasons I am having therapy is to deal with my problems without burdening him too much as he has enough on his plate, and it's not his job to make me better/happy, it's down to me. It's never a good idea to be so reliant on someone that you dread them leaving, nothing is guaranteed in life, no r/ ship is guaranteed to last. Hope you are able to work through this. UOTE=Rainbowx;5547604]So I've been in several relationships that haven't worked out where I've been abandoned when things get rough. The one I'm in now we just had our first "fight" tonight which resulted in us figuring it out and realizing it was all a misunderstanding, but my fear of abandonment kicks in big time because in the past I've been dumped at basically the first sight of trouble. This guy is different however, all the times we've gone through he's never ran away from, but when negative times like this happens as soon as the thing is discussed he'll go to bed. Every single time. And I don't know why but it scares the hell out of me, and when times are bad he has a difficult time saying sweet things just to make me happy because it feels forced and he loves to be genuine about it. He's such a good guy and I really don't want to screw this up. I need to hang in there until I can afford to move to the USA because the time we've spent living together the first couple of times was incredible. Anyways we both apologized to each other and he said I have nothing to be sorry for and that we're great, I just need to figure out how to kick this terrified of abandonment thing =[
HeavenOrHell Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 How long have you been together, and how much time have you spent together IRL? QUOTE=Rainbowx;5547604]So I've been in several relationships that haven't worked out where I've been abandoned when things get rough. The one I'm in now we just had our first "fight" tonight which resulted in us figuring it out and realizing it was all a misunderstanding, but my fear of abandonment kicks in big time because in the past I've been dumped at basically the first sight of trouble. This guy is different however, all the times we've gone through he's never ran away from, but when negative times like this happens as soon as the thing is discussed he'll go to bed. Every single time. And I don't know why but it scares the hell out of me, and when times are bad he has a difficult time saying sweet things just to make me happy because it feels forced and he loves to be genuine about it. He's such a good guy and I really don't want to screw this up. I need to hang in there until I can afford to move to the USA because the time we've spent living together the first couple of times was incredible. Anyways we both apologized to each other and he said I have nothing to be sorry for and that we're great, I just need to figure out how to kick this terrified of abandonment thing =[
Author Rainbowx Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 We've been together for 6 months, about 65 days of this in real life. And I don't make him my whole world and base my happiness on him, I used to do that in the past and I know that's unhealthy and destructive. Most of the things I used to get insecure about in relationships are gone now, just one thing is something I fear, we deal with problem resolution exceptionally well, but I still feel a bit tender after a while if it's heated, and that's where my fear of abandonment is because if he seems distant or something... it's happened a few times before but with less mature/life progressed people. This guy is a manager and he knows that it's best to deal with problems instead of running away, and we're working to build a strong relationship and this is something he'd like me to get over for my own happiness, I just don't know how to work on this one so that's what I guess I'm asking. It's a deep rooted problem in my life and I've been trying to get counseling just for my depression and anxiety for the last 4 years and every doctor's referral has been denied. Got past everything else on my own, this one is just a toughie.
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