littlewomanlost Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 on finding that someone special. I've even given up on finding just a casual guy to hang out with. I think I'm depressed and a little numb. I usually run into the same types...either they are married, only want sex or if they want a relationship they aren't bringing anything to the table. My last bf was 40-something, lived at home with his parents, was (and probably still is) a severe alcoholic and drug addict. Loved his sense of humor but hated when he drank or was high. That was a relationship doomed since I'm not into being high when I'm not working. I guess I'm not so down that I settled for him (he wanted to get married) but of course that would be a train wreck of a marriage. I stopped (for the most part) thinking something is wrong with me. There is society's pressure to make you feel like if you're not married or coupled up, something has got to be wrong with you especially if your a woman over 40. I've come to the conclusion that its just really hard to find a decent man. I'm not looking for Brad Pitt or someone to take care of me. But to just find a guy who likes the same things I do, who is sane, has a job and has goals in life, is that too much to ask? I've kinda resorted to staying home with my dog...I don't really want to be around people since I feel like I have to put on this "happy" face. I think for the most part I'm happy -- but I am sad that I tend to draw out guys who only want one thing from me. I've been told I'm sexy, I know I'm sexy (don't mean that conceited at all) but gee, what about my sense of humor, my independence, I just don't get it. Why is it all they see is sex and that's all they want from me? Oh well, that's my Monday morning gripe fest. Can't say I feel better. Just wish things were different...I'm tired of waiting for Mr. Almost Maybe...
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I'm 40 and felt pretty much the same as you. It is difficult to find someone special in the world. And I pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I might not ever find the right girl. The about 7 weeks ago I was hit my a thunderbolt out of the blue. Yesterday we made it official and became an actual couple. I can't remember being this happy in a very long time. So my advice is enjoy life to the fullest. Forget about trying to find that special guy. Let him come to you. You never know when lightning might strike... Good luck to you. 1
Poppygoodwill Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 YOu know what they say: if you want a different result, you've got to do something different. Time perhaps to really look hard at your patterns of choosing men and by dint of sheer effort and self-awareness....change them. There are lots of decent, hard working guys out there looking for their female equivalent. You're just not choosing them. You say you generally get mixed up with married guy or guys who only want sex in a way that sort of makes it seem inevitable, as if that's just the way it is. But it's not. Maybe the regular type of guys you say you want actually seem boring to you after the high octane drama of being with an alcoholic. Or the strange intense intrigue and romance that comes from being chased by a married man who is forbidden to you. We choose things that are familiar to us. I changed what I chose when I realized that I kept choosing men who were like my father - violent, angry, withholding - and consciously decided to steer away from men that ticked those boxes. Other women would run a mile when the guy they dated got all cold and tricky with them, but to me it seemed normal and so I didn't run. And then I'd get stuck, again and again. Dig deep. Why are you drawn to these unstable, unpromising men? 1
HappyLove Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 "That was a relationship doomed since I'm not into being high when I'm not working." So your getting high when not working?
Author littlewomanlost Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 "That was a relationship doomed since I'm not into being high when I'm not working." So your getting high when not working? Hi Happy, I didn't phrase that correctly. My ex's idea of relaxation was too always be high when he wasn't at work. And whenever he was around me, he wanted to kick up his heels and drink whether we were hanging at my place or went out on the town. I drink socially but around him I stopped when I realized he was much more than a social drinker. It was depressing that he never wanted to be sober around me but I also realized that was a part of his illness.
TheNewMe2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Don't give up..but don't try so hard either. And one of the other posters is right - you need to do something different if the same thing isn't working. I'm a successful, attractive (from what I've been told), funny (I know this to be true), attentive guy. But you know what - finding someone that appreciates all that has been frustrating (it's not just the women..it's the guys too). I think the problem is there are two many of the wrong type and too few of the right type. There are social groups out there that are tremendous for meeting people..what's nice it's just social, no pressure, no expectation of dating - and you can get to know people and they get to know you. Trust me - there are good guys out there. You just need to keep your eyes open!
Author littlewomanlost Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 YOu know what they say: if you want a different result, you've got to do something different. Time perhaps to really look hard at your patterns of choosing men and by dint of sheer effort and self-awareness....change them. There are lots of decent, hard working guys out there looking for their female equivalent. You're just not choosing them. You say you generally get mixed up with married guy or guys who only want sex in a way that sort of makes it seem inevitable, as if that's just the way it is. But it's not. Maybe the regular type of guys you say you want actually seem boring to you after the high octane drama of being with an alcoholic. Or the strange intense intrigue and romance that comes from being chased by a married man who is forbidden to you. We choose things that are familiar to us. I changed what I chose when I realized that I kept choosing men who were like my father - violent, angry, withholding - and consciously decided to steer away from men that ticked those boxes. Other women would run a mile when the guy they dated got all cold and tricky with them, but to me it seemed normal and so I didn't run. And then I'd get stuck, again and again. Dig deep. Why are you drawn to these unstable, unpromising men? Poppy you brought up a lot of good points. I'm using this time to focus on me and detach myself from wanting a relationship. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I agree with poppygoodwill. You are the common denominator in all this & your picker is off. You need to figure out how / where you go wrong & stop doing that. First, how have you been trying to meet people? Step out of your comfort zone & try something new. If you aren't already involved in groups that meet in real life to do something you care about -- whether it's a cause, an activity, a hobby -- join one. Meeting like minded people will give you a basis of commonality & shared interests.
Fly Union Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Like all the other posters said, you are probably attracted to a "certain" type and that type aren't exactly well behaved. If you really want a good, steady relationship so bad, maybe you should be looking outside the range of guys you normally look at.
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