SamanthaX Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years now. He lives where my family is so I see him alot. When we met, he was just ending a 5 years relationship where they were living together. The girl went through alot...she wanted to marry him ...he did not. She got sick many times and had cancer but recovered although she couldnt have children. They remain friendsand I am OK with that but she calls him at times when I am around and he leaves the room to have conversations with her. When i ask him who what...he says it is non of my business. He has caught me looking at his cell and email and says I a ma snoop but i am just scared something is going on with them. Like he is leading her on just in case things with me dont work out. He tells me I am his girlfriend and that he is spending time with me not her. That she is his friend and I have to deal with that. That I am immature with my jealousy and he cant handle it. It is a deal breaker for him. The other night...she called and he went into the other room. I had just made dinner for us and we were spending time together when interrupted by her call. After 5 min, I walked into the other room and he was talking on the phone. I asked him who he was talking to and he told the person he would call back. He got mad at me and we started arguing. He then told me to leave--he was sick of my healousy and that he couldnt even have a privcate conversation in his own house. I said fine and was leaving. He put his coat on liek he was going out and I was devastated and refused to leave because he was wrong. He then proceeded to leave and walked out on me crying. He said he had to make a phone call. He made me feel like it was all my fault. I am so confused. Is something going on or am I being paranoid?
blind_otter Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 If you think something's going on -- it usually is. I had a brief fling with someone who had a "special relationship with his ex" - I couldn't handle it. I'm too jealous and possessive, I want to be number one in my guy's life. So.... it's up to you. Do you deserve to feel treasured, special, like you come first? I think you do. And I don't even know you.
Barby Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 I can understand him being friends with her, but honestly it sounds like there is more to it than that. I mean if he isn't doing anything wrong, he shouldn't have to leave the room to talk to her, or leave his house to talk to her! Maybe he has unresolved feelings for her, possibly he was scared to marry her since she had cancer? Scared of losing her so he moved on?! I know this probably isn't what you want to hear but it does sound like something more than friendship is going on.
savethedrama4allama Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 I can't tell if anything is going on between them, but either way its disrespectful to interrupt dinner with YOU to take a call from HER. He sounds very callous and uncompromising about all of this. That would be my biggest concern. Just a tip from a friendly llama though...if you say you're going to leave and you put your coat on...LEAVE. Don't make empty threats. I think that may be why he is so uncompromising with you on this. Instead of finding a happy medium of contact with this woman, he does whatever he pleases without considering your feelings. He probably knows that he has control (he left YOU crying, did he not? To call her back, to boot.) Take some control here. You say that its a "deal-breaker" for him? Well guess what, its a deal breaker for YOU. There is nothing wrong with compromise, but he seems unwilling. Get just as tough. If he isn't willing to modify anything for you now, the pattern will continue. And you dont want that, do you?
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 Was he always that secretive and defensive about her to begin with, or did his actions become more secretive and defensive the more insecure you got over the relationship? I'm trying to figure out if he is being secretive and defensive because he has something to hide or because he feels that you are pushing him to it with your actions.
Anais Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 Maybe the guy feels guilty about leaving her when she had so much troubles. And probably she is controlling him emotionally.
upsetnhurt Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 I am so sorry that you had to invest 5 years with him only to still find out that he is too involved in his prior relationship and can't fully dedicate himself to you. Don't listen to any of his comments that you are the one at fault here. You have made it clear to him that while you are okay with a friendship you are not okay with the friendship becoming more of a priority to yourself. i just got through the same problem and realized after time that these people are not over their ex's. That does not mean he still wants to be with her, yet it does mean that he is unwilling to give the relationship with you the dedication that he needs. He sounds quite immature. Your only resolve is to sit down and tell him exactly how you feel. If he continues to scream and blame you, simply let him know that you are unwilling to proceed with him and thank him for his time. If he really loves you he will be back in a short time after he prioritizes his responsibilities. If not, all the more reason you should do this now instead of later. Don't invest anymore time with him!
Author SamanthaX Posted January 21, 2005 Author Posted January 21, 2005 He has always been a private person--even regarding night s out with his buddies. My life has always been an open book to him. He doesnt like me using his computer, cell, or anything else for that matter. He is very selfish and Dis-trusting because he has caught me looking through his phone before. He says his relationship with her has nothing to do with me. They are friends and he does not want to be with her. That is why they broke up in the first place. We are very different people. She is a school teacher and not very worldly. I am a chef and painter who has been all over the world. Sometimes I feel like he is trying to decide between us. When things are weird with me...she starts looking better. His stepmother has told me that he doesn't want her back and just worries about her because she moved here for him from Florida. He still gives her money and that is fine with me because she is not very well-off while I make a good living. She needs him on all levels while I only need his love and companionship. We are at the point now where we are trying to move to the same city but I am having major hesitations about making decisions based on him. He is inconsistent. He loves me one day and doesn't the next because we have some stupid fight. But, he tells me I should always know that he loves me. I just feel like I will never have his full love and attention. I asked him what would he say if I gave him an ultimatum..his friendship with her or a relationship with me...he didn't answer. I think the worst part of this is when we were arguing that night I asked him is that person on the phone more important than me? He said yes. I don't know if it was out of anger but I cant handle it. I keep telling him to tell me "So and so needs to talk to me, I am going to the other room." I could take it and be understanding. But, he is secretive and thats what kills me.
upsetnhurt Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 The more I hear the more I do not understand what you are in love with? Do you just enjoy having someone around or do you want to find your soul-mate eventually? He certainly does not fit that bill unless you and I have different definitions of the word. Be strong and let him go. Either he will see his wrong doing here or you will be able to move on from this nightmare! It always surprises me as to what people are willing to put up with in life. You are not married to this guy, no kids (right)...realize not every relationship works and just because you love him does not mean he is right for you. I am hurting too samantha as my ex girlfriend said I was the most ideal partner in her eyes yet for some reason she does not want to be in a relationship with me. I am hurt and devastated and as much as I cry I realize that I deserve more and will eventually find it. She helped me out and at the same point lost someone who treasured her. Do the same and if they realize what they lost then who knows in the future yet don't be disrespected by him anymore. You sound sweet and you deserve lots more.
Author SamanthaX Posted January 21, 2005 Author Posted January 21, 2005 Thats just it. I don't know if he is my soul-mate. We are def. alike in many ways but he is callous and I cannot take it. He is capable of distancing himself from me and acting like I am a complete stranger...after 3 years!! He says I am the one but I honestly don't know if he is for me. He criticizes everything about me and sometimes I wonder what the heck he sees in me. I have won many awards for writing and painting yet he tells me I have no talent. Why? I went to the cordon bleu and am an accomplished chef but he says he is a better cook than me (he truly isnt). Why is my boyfriend competing with me? The odd thing is he praises me to all his friends like I am sliced bread but then disparages me in private. Why? Am I so desperate that I will stay with someone who blames every problem of our relationship on me? I am just confused. How much are we supposed to compromise in love before we lose ourselves?
savethedrama4allama Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 Originally posted by SamanthaX The odd thing is he praises me to all his friends like I am sliced bread but then disparages me in private. Why? Thats called emotional abuse. Its all about manipulation and control. Don't worry about what you let him get away with so far- you can't change that. Put your foot down now.
Author SamanthaX Posted January 21, 2005 Author Posted January 21, 2005 How? I am so bad at relationships that require games and power struggles.
savethedrama4allama Posted January 21, 2005 Posted January 21, 2005 Originally posted by SamanthaX How? I am so bad at relationships that require games and power struggles. Thats just the problem- you're letting it be a game and a power struggle. Tell him what you expect from him (no contact with the girl, or modified contact you agree upon; no belittling your talent; no caling you names, or whatever he does). If he won't compromise and/or give you basic respect, lose him! You know, if a man told me to leave I'd be out the door in a blink of an eye. Don't hang around when he clearly is telling you to get away. Putting your foot down means sticking to your guns. You know how. I know you do.
Cupcake Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 I truly feel for you girlfriend. Let me share a little bit of my experience with a similar situation. You and I have a lot in common. I am an aspiring legal assistant with a minor focus on journalism. My XBF and I used to argue about his relationship with an XGF that was deemed more important than I was. I was never jealous of their relationship until my XBF demanded that I end all ties with ALL of my male friends, especially ex's. He played the double standard. He hid communication with his XGF from me. I never snooped on him. We had a good relationship for about six months with no interuptions from the XGF. One day I decided to snoop and discovered that he had been lying to me about her. They had been spending a lot of time with each other. I gave him the ultimatum. And he refused to choose. Rather, he blamed everything on my insecurity. I broke up with him and he started dating someone else. Now, I am the XGF who is supposedly interfering with his relationship with his new girlfriend. I never call or contact my XBF anymore. HE is the one who contacts me just to tell me how much he loves me, misses me, and will one day come back to me. His new girlfriend is upset about his communication with me and suspects there is something going on between us. But he doesn't care about what she thinks. Recently, the new girlfriend called my phone number just to see if it was me. Apparently, she was checking up on him. She threatened to leave him, but she hasn't. And he is taking advantage of her. It's all the same stuff that your BF is doing to you right now. If you don't demand respect, he will not give it to you. Certainly, if there is anything about his relationship with his ex that he can not share with you (especially after 5 years), then there is something going on that shouldn't be. Being in love is about sharing each other's life. And he should be smart enough to know that a friendship with an ex is so rare that anyone would be suspicious of it. If the ex really is just a good friend, then he should be able to speak to her in front of you. I can't tell you what is the best thing to do. But you should definately demand a change that will make you feel better about everything. Since he wants to keep is relationship with his XGF separate and private from you, YOUR feelings are the most important, not his, and not the XGF.
alicia24 Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Sorry to say, but I have been in a similar situation and there is something going on between them. If you THINK something may be going on, than something IS going on. Always trust your gut. Unfortunately many of us learn that the hard way. You are a great person who deserves to be #1 in your guys life. If he can;t do that for you than tell him to suck it and move on!!!!
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