hockeyfan99 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 "when is it going to be MY turn to have happiness in my life???" life has not been kind to me these last year and a half in the romance dept and i'm really starting to hate my existence. back in sept 2012 my ex, who i loved more than anything on earth, left me after being together for over 2 years. she was everything to me. someone i wanted to marry and have kids. EVERYTHING. then about 6 months after that i decided to pick myself up and try again and met the most wonderful woman i have ever met. the only problem was that it was a long dist relationship. we saw each other maybe once a month. needless to say, that didnt help matters at all and the relationship suffered and she broke up with me after 7 months. the problem ive been having is that i have TWO girls that im trying to get over and i'm struggling SO bad that i don't think i can take much more of this... everyday i wake up and think about them and just how lonely and depressed i feel. i miss them both so much. i'm stupid bc i still stay in comm with both of them. i guess i'm hoping that one day they might miss me enough to want me back in their lives. but NOPE.... i really feel like i dont have a friend in the world right now. i'm 42, never been married, no kids. i sometimes wished that i had not met either one of them bc that way i wouldnt feel this pain of longing for them to be back in my life. and to make matters even worse, I'M TERRIFIED OF MEETING SOMEONE NEW. huh? yes you heard that right. i'm terrified bc i dont want to get hurt again. i cant take another letdown. just cant do it. its hard enough that im trying to but the past behind me. i just dont want another woman to leave me. i really need some help here.
johncourtz Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Hang in there man. You are definately not along in how you're feeling. I know nobody wants to hear that but at least take comfort in knowing that there's alot of people on this forum going through what you are. I too am terrified of starting over for fear of being hurt again, but at least its reassurance that you are alive! If you can feel then you aint dead yet and you have another day to pick yourself up and start fresh. Remember how good it was to have those butterflies when getting to know all about someone? well you get to do that again. There's always a flipside to it. I have my days, and today isn't a good day. I miss the hell out of my ex, but life goes on, it has to bro. And it will go on for you. You will be happy, you will meet the love of your life and have kids. There is def someone out there for everyone, but you wont meet her if you wallow in sorrow. You gotta get out again and live. The spring is coming and summer is around the corner. Go get your woman man! Hope something i said brings you a little comfort!
Author hockeyfan99 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 Hang in there man. You are definately not along in how you're feeling. I know nobody wants to hear that but at least take comfort in knowing that there's alot of people on this forum going through what you are. I too am terrified of starting over for fear of being hurt again, but at least its reassurance that you are alive! If you can feel then you aint dead yet and you have another day to pick yourself up and start fresh. Remember how good it was to have those butterflies when getting to know all about someone? well you get to do that again. There's always a flipside to it. I have my days, and today isn't a good day. I miss the hell out of my ex, but life goes on, it has to bro. And it will go on for you. You will be happy, you will meet the love of your life and have kids. There is def someone out there for everyone, but you wont meet her if you wallow in sorrow. You gotta get out again and live. The spring is coming and summer is around the corner. Go get your woman man! Hope something i said brings you a little comfort! thanks a lot guy. your words did help. i know that i have been super depressed about my life and it is clearly on my face. i never really smile anymore. i'm just in a freaking rut that i feel like i cant get out of. i try to get out there and socialize but it seems as though nobody takes an interest in ME. i just cant seems to let go of the past and REALLY try to move on. its prob bc of the fact that i still keep in contact with them. i gotta change that otherwise im going to be stuck right here and never move on. i do love those butterflies though. that is the best feeling in the world. ill be looking forward to those again. hopefully sooner rather than later... thanks buddy.
Own Worst Enemy Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I feel for you, I really do. at the risk of sounding horrendously cheesy, you need to love yourself a little bit more, before you can think about finding someone else to love you. that will give you time to heal, and also time to work on other things and, mostly, HAVE FUN. thinking about a new woman should be the last thing on your mind, well, apart from the two idiots who lost you. instead, think about something you'd like to try - rock climbing, wine appreciation (not at the same time), creative writing, a language, running club, underwater basketweaving appreciation society - anything! join that, as your first step to having a bit more fun and thinking a bit more about yourself. it won't take away the pain, but will be a bit of light in the darkness, and that's what you need at the moment.
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 God I know how u feel x Im now hurting over 2 men and terrified of getting hurt again... its just so ridiculous ! :-( x
semicharmedlife Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 No Contact with the exes! no phone calls...no text messages...no looking at their photos on FB...Nothing! You don't need to explain yourself to them...just start doing it...starting right now...Its the only way... 1
Author hockeyfan99 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 I feel for you, I really do. at the risk of sounding horrendously cheesy, you need to love yourself a little bit more, before you can think about finding someone else to love you. that will give you time to heal, and also time to work on other things and, mostly, HAVE FUN. thinking about a new woman should be the last thing on your mind, well, apart from the two idiots who lost you. instead, think about something you'd like to try - rock climbing, wine appreciation (not at the same time), creative writing, a language, running club, underwater basketweaving appreciation society - anything! join that, as your first step to having a bit more fun and thinking a bit more about yourself. it won't take away the pain, but will be a bit of light in the darkness, and that's what you need at the moment. i hear what you're saying. i've thought about that and have even tried to start working on myself. working out, going out to play trivia at local places. heck i even signed up for helping out at a fund raiser event. all these in the hopes that i can just meet some NEW friends and try to put the past behind me and give me something to look forward to. although, i think i would need that wine to even ATTEMPT rock climbing. (btw, i busted out laughing at my desk here at work when i read your comment, BIG SMILE). but i think for me i have been trying to really just focus on ME and not trying to look for that next ONE. but its sooooo hard sometimes bc i see all these people and they seem so happy and then there's......ME all alone and thats when it makes me so sad. i guess i'm going to just have to ignore those feeling and just keep focused on me and try to move on. its not easy. but you are so right, women should be the last thing on my mind right now.
Author hockeyfan99 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 No Contact with the exes! no phone calls...no text messages...no looking at their photos on FB...Nothing! You don't need to explain yourself to them...just start doing it...starting right now...Its the only way... i hear ya. i know i need to do that but its really hard. but i guess thats the only other way. i have to keep telling myself that they are NOT coming back so why torture yourself.
Popsicle Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Love is always a risk but one thing you can do to reduce your risk is to never ever do long distance relationships. 1
Author hockeyfan99 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 God I know how u feel x Im now hurting over 2 men and terrified of getting hurt again... its just so ridiculous ! :-( x it is really tough. i never thought in a million years that i would ever be trying to get over 2 people. but i think that stems from people rushing into another relationship without getting over the first one. we all do and i'm the posterchild for it. i think we all lone to have someone in our lives. we dont want to be alone and so we find the next one BEFORE we get over the last one. thats exactly what ive done and it sucks. hang in there..
Author hockeyfan99 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 Love is always a risk but one thing you can do to reduce your risk is to never ever do long distance relationships. never again. i think the only reason i got into this one is bc she was going to be moving to my town within a few months but things came up and it got delayed and then it was tooooo late bc we were already in it too deep. if she had mentioned to me that she was never moving here then i would have NEVER even taken it to that next step. but you're right.....no LDR's.....they suck
LostConfused123 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I know this probably won't help but I'm feeling so close to the way you are. I think I could have written your post. Same age and everything. The only difference, I'm a woman mourning two men (although, honestly I think the first guy hurt my pride more than my heart) definitely having troubles getting over the most recent. Have been NC with both ever since. It's really my only option and only hope. I really miss being in a committed and healthy relationship. We will get our turn. I really believe that! Hang in there. ((hugs!!))
Hoosfoos Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 You are not alone with your feelings. Im 43, and my exgf of 2 years left me last November. Im barely hanging in there. She was everything to me, my whole future. The only difference is that im maintaining a strict policy of NC. Basically I have to pretend she doesnt exist any more. 2
JunkYardDog Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Am right there with everyone, late 40's and in the deepest pit of post BU depression and pain of all time. Recent breadcrumbs from her totally set me back, they are the worst. I constantly beat myself up wondering if I should of responded, not knowing what the right thing to do is. Today is two months NC and it feels like its never going to end. The betrayal, the abandonment for someone else...its the worst feeling. Hang in there people, hang in there ok? 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Hey man, I'm 42 and yeah... things have been rough for the last year for me as well. I'm bored and lonely beyond belief too. I went from spending literally all of my time with the greatest girl I've ever known, for 3 years, to nothing. To being by myself. And it sucks. However, during that time I knew I was (and am) not ready for a serious RS again at this time. Might be a while. Maybe a a long while. I suggest you (we all) heal ourselves as much as possible before getting into another. I know the temptation is great to replace what we had, but, obviously it doesn't work that way. Just know things happen for a reason and have faith. That is one of the hardest parts for me, is knowing things will get better, because at this moment, it all seems very bleak... 4
Author hockeyfan99 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 I know this probably won't help but I'm feeling so close to the way you are. I think I could have written your post. Same age and everything. The only difference, I'm a woman mourning two men (although, honestly I think the first guy hurt my pride more than my heart) definitely having troubles getting over the most recent. Have been NC with both ever since. It's really my only option and only hope. I really miss being in a committed and healthy relationship. We will get our turn. I really believe that! Hang in there. ((hugs!!)) thanks a bunch for your kind words. for me i havent been in NC esp with the 2nd ex. we still talk like were going out. but then there are the times that i text my 1st ex and start that all over again. i had been in NC with her for about 6 months and was going great. but i still had feelings for her even when i was still with my 2nd. i know thats wrong but i needed to try to move on. i know the love that i had for my 1st ex was so strong that it would have and still will take YEARS to fully get over her. i dont wanna wait that long. at 42, i think ive waited long enough. you know? but i know we'll get our turn someday. i just hope it comes sooner than never.... 1
Author hockeyfan99 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 You are not alone with your feelings. Im 43, and my exgf of 2 years left me last November. Im barely hanging in there. She was everything to me, my whole future. The only difference is that im maintaining a strict policy of NC. Basically I have to pretend she doesnt exist any more. wow, thats gotta be hard and i'm sorry about the pain you're going through. i have to pat you on the back for being so strong with your NC rule. i know thats what i need to do otherwise i'm going never move on and ill be on this site forever. but hang in there, i know what you're going through. its going to take some time but you are doing all the right things...
Author hockeyfan99 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 Am right there with everyone, late 40's and in the deepest pit of post BU depression and pain of all time. Recent breadcrumbs from her totally set me back, they are the worst. I constantly beat myself up wondering if I should of responded, not knowing what the right thing to do is. Today is two months NC and it feels like its never going to end. The betrayal, the abandonment for someone else...its the worst feeling. Hang in there people, hang in there ok? breadcrumbs suck. i was doing so good till my 1st ex left a trail and i followed. then when i did follow she almost acted like she wanted nothing to do with me. hurt so so bad. thank you and you hang in there too. 1
Author hockeyfan99 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 Hey man, I'm 42 and yeah... things have been rough for the last year for me as well. I'm bored and lonely beyond belief too. I went from spending literally all of my time with the greatest girl I've ever known, for 3 years, to nothing. To being by myself. And it sucks. However, during that time I knew I was (and am) not ready for a serious RS again at this time. Might be a while. Maybe a a long while. I suggest you (we all) heal ourselves as much as possible before getting into another. I know the temptation is great to replace what we had, but, obviously it doesn't work that way. Just know things happen for a reason and have faith. That is one of the hardest parts for me, is knowing things will get better, because at this moment, it all seems very bleak... you are so right about healing ourselves. ive had so many people tell me...."get back out there". in the past i would say hell yeah im getting back out there. but after this latest BU ive been telling people that i really dont want to get back into something right now. its hard bc i'm SUPER lonely and depressed but i know its prob for the best.
JunkYardDog Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 (edited) The 'get back out there' is a crock. If you loved someone and you lose them you have to go through the stages of mourning before you can get out and meet someone. The last thing I want is to meet someone. Totally unfair for us and them. You need to heal... its going to be months and months before I even contemplate it again. Would it be a distraction? Sure, but thats just it, its running from yourself. Thats what weak people do, they run, well unless they never really cared or loved you the way they said they did. Thats what my ex did. She dumped me 2 weeks after my dad died in Nov and was going out with a bunch of guys within a week finally settling for the one who treated her the best of the bunch. 3 weeks after ending a 3 1/2 year R she was in another and threw it in my face, how great he treated her and how great he was, sex and all. Brutal, simply brutal...Im still trying to cope with it all. Edited February 24, 2014 by JunkYardDog 2
Author hockeyfan99 Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 The 'get back out there' is a crock. If you loved someone and you lose them you have to go through the stages of mourning before you can get out and meet someone. The last thing I want is to meet someone. Totally unfair for us and them. You need to heal... its going to be months and months before I even contemplate it again. Would it be a distraction? Sure, but thats just it, its running from yourself. Thats what weak people do, they run, well unless they never really cared or loved you the way they said they did. Thats what my ex did. She dumped me 2 weeks after my dad died in Nov and was going out with a bunch of guys within a week finally settling for the one who treated her the best of the bunch. 3 weeks after ending a 3 1/2 year R she was in another and threw it in my face, how great he treated her and how great he was, sex and all. Brutal, simply brutal...Im still trying to cope with it all. i agree and i'm with you on the healing bit. i'm realizing this now. after my 1st ex left me i tried so hard to get her back. when that didnt work i needed to try to get over her and so i joined match.com and found a beautiful woman. the only problem was that i couldnt progress in the R bc i was still missing my 1st. i only realize it now just how unfair that was to me but even more so to the new girl i was dating. as far as your ex.....dont take this wrong but thats just down right immature. what does ANYONE get out of shoving their new man in front of you? what possible good could come from that?? all i can say is that KARMA IS A BITCH.
Hoosfoos Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 (edited) We're in this together, bud. Edited February 25, 2014 by Hoosfoos responded to wrong post 1
Popsicle Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 (edited) Great thread. Somehow it helps a little to kniw youre not alone. I would love to hear some of your stories of how/why it ended. Edited February 25, 2014 by Popsicle
Author hockeyfan99 Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 Great thread. Somehow it helps a little to kniw youre not alone. I would love to hear some of your stories of how/why it ended. which one? lol well....the 1st ex had serious trust issues from the start. it got to the point where i couldnt have ANY thoughts of my own to keep just for me. she needed to know if i though of other girls, etc. then she would dig into my past and then use that against me. lets face it, we all have a past but the past is the past....unless you cheated on every woman you ever dated or you killed your last wife and havent been caught yet. but she just needed to know everything. i started to lie to her just bc i was afraid to be honest with her about stuff that didnt even relate to her AT ALL. then that caused her to bc untrustworthy of me. then that caused me to become afraid of her. the funny thing is that i never asked her about her past or what she thought about. i could care less and its not bc i dont care. its bc i feel that everyone deserves privacy and i lacking that BIG TIME. im sorry but you cant be i totally in love with someone and afraid of them. it just doesnt work. so it just fell apart. i never cheated on her. never hit her. never stole from her. the only thing i was guilty of was lying to her but i only did it bc i was trying to protect her. i was damn if i do and damned if i dont. if i told her the truth then she would hold that against me in the future. if i lied to her about something that i didnt want to discuss then i would get busted and all hell would break loose. she was like a detective and ALWAYS trying to find out something. i mean why would someone do that? just didnt make any sense. she just set the bar SO HIGH for me that i felt like i had to be perfect about everything and do no wrong. thats impossible. so she broke up with me. that was really hard for me bc i tried everything to make her happy. the kicker is that after we broke up she acknowledged that she was too hard on me and set the bar so high....but she never took me back. just didnt make ANY sense at all. she broke up with me sept 2012. so after trying to get her back for about 6-7 months i finally gave up and said screw it.....sort of. meaning....i was telling myself that but i didnt REALLY feel that way. i still loved her and was not over her at all. THIS IS WHERE I MADE MY 2ND MISTAKE.....after trying for all that time to get her back i just decided to join match.com just to see what was out there. well it didnt take long bf i met this best woman i have ever met in my life. she lived in PR and i lived in florida. everything was going great but i could tell that she was moving along at a faster pace than i was in terms of the stages of a relationship. i could feel the pressure and it was kinda getting to me. you see, the problem for me is that i have to be around the person a lot and REALLY get to know them bf i start to fall in love and such. well living 1200 miles away and only seeing her maybe once a month didnt help at all. i tried and tried to "catch up". she could tell and it was causing issues. NOW the second part of this issue was that i still wasnt over my 1st ex. we were in NC for about 6 months but then she started to comm with me and that didnt help matters. it made me feel like she still thought about me and that really messed me up. that in itself prob is what caused me to "stall" bc i feel that you can really only be in love with one person. i never told my 2nd ex about this bc i really wanted it to workout between us. but looking back on it i think it was really selfish of me....i dont know. well i think my 2nd ex was beginning to worry that i was never going to get to same level in the relationship and called it quits on halloween. yeah crappy night that was. the issues that i have now is that i still comm with both of them and get nowhere with either one. i guess i just like to torture myself but dont we all when we really care about someone? so those are my stories. not the best choices but then again, i'm not perfect.
RDawg Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I'm also the same age - 42. I am 5 months post BU, after almost 3 years together. Very recently a female friend offered me a FWB relationship and it seems to be helping. It's pretty good as far as distractions go. It's nice to feel desired and appreciated without any game playing. In fact I would say it has done a massive amount for my healing.
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