Natasha.bedding Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I am going to apologize in the beginning itself because this will be a long one. I met my husband about 11 years ago. At first it was not so much love but eventually our bond kept getting stronger. Finally, we had dated for so long that we got married in 2010. I have to admit that we weren't very keen on marriage but liked each other's company so much that it seemed like the only thing left to do. We were very happy during the first 6 months of our wedding and kinda realised after that we were very bored of each other. We had been together for so long and didn't want to make any effort in rekindling the romance and all that. Talks of seeing other people started. I found someone online and started seeing him in June. Even though we were talking of seeing other people, I never told him that I was already doing it. Finally in December I moved to a different city and started working from there and then it happened. He discovered all my emails (saying i love you, sending some graphic pictures etc etc) to this guy. He was furious because I had lied and was having an affair. He told me he wanted a divorce. However, he calmed down 2-3 days later, realized he didn't want me alone and sad and called me back home. He forgave me instantly, never asked questions, only asked if I had had sex and I had not so I told him the truth. I didn't tell him about the making out sessions and all. I didn't talk to the guy I was having an affair with for a month. But started calling him again after a month. Again, I wasn't telling my husband any of this (ugh, i sound like such a horrible person) Finally, after 6 months I got a job in a different city and the husband and I thought this might be a good time to take a break. I constantly told him that it would not make a difference to me if he slept with someone else but he didn't. I was seeing this guy throughout. Finally, in December we decided to do something for new years together. A friend of mine came along for the trip. On 31st night, after partying I came back to the room but my husband wanted to drink some more. He constant kept calling me to ask me to come out and I wanted to sleep. Eventually, he came to the room at 4 am and started crying and said he had kissed my friend. She had come on to him (which I am not surprised about) and he didn't resist her. He was crying constantly and kept saying that he's stronger than that and that he was so sorry and so sorry. He also said that they would have had sex but he didn't and I don't doubt him for a second. I know he was super drunk and this would have never happened because he is not this person. He couldn't even stand straight when he came to the room but told me the truth instantly. Now the problem. I have been cheating on him constantly, but I am unable to digest the fact that he did something like this. The next morning when he was sober he told me that it might have something to do with the fact that I always said we were on a break and I didn't care and he was shocked that I cared this much. Anyway, I have now broken off all communication with the guy and I am trying to be 100 % in this but I can't get myself to forget that he was making out with another woman. I also can't talk about it much because everytime I utter a word he breaks down and says he'll kill himself if I remind him of what happened that night. and I know he will. This episode made me realize how much I love him and what it means to have someone hurt you. I have sworn to never hurt him again but someone please help me figure out how I should forgive him. I am the one who has erred consciously, and I still can't get myself to forget what he did.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 It's not confusing. Let's break it down: - You've been actively cheating on your husband for 6 months - You've told him he could see other people (b/c you already were!) - He kisses a girl, told you immediately, and feels horrible about it - Now you are upset that he hurt you by kissing girl It's not confusing; you're a self-centered person. This takes cake-eating to a new level. 7
gettingstronger Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 You see in him what you don't like about yourself, I think-you are projecting- he was able to resist, he was able to be honest right off the bat-you are able to do none of these things-yes, he kissed your friend, but he was remorseful, did not let it progress and was honest-you are probably more mad and disgusted with yourself than you are with him-you should go to counseling to see why you act the way you do-why you are so self-centered and destructive- Good luck on your journey to a healthier you! 2
oldshirt Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 (edited) I would say that this should all rule out any discussions of open marriage. You have demonstrated that you can't follow the rules and open marriages are based on a long list of rules (monogamous couples only have one rule in regards to sex with others - "DON'T!" couples in open marriages can have dozens of rules) You have also shown you can't handle him being with other women even though you were technically on a "break." This leaves two options. one is close up your marriage and try to work things out to where you are good together and not pining for the single life of freedom and sexual variety. and the other is throw in the towel and get an amicable divorce and go on about your business. Another note about the "break": there are no breaks in marriage. you are either in or you are out. Even a formal separation you need to decide is the separation supposed to be part of the reconciliation process or part of the divorce and moving on process. Typically a separation is beneficial as a stepping stone to move on towards divorce but not so much for reconciliation. The whole point of marriage is that you are together as bonded couple so that there aren't any "breaks." Breaks and marriage do not jive. This whole scenario is a sht or get off the pot situation. Marriage is about commitment. You have to commit in marriage. all-in or all-out. You either commit to being a couple together or you commit to splitting up and being single. You are trying to create some kind of hybrid and it is failing for you at every point. Edited February 24, 2014 by oldshirt 3
Author Natasha.bedding Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 He does now. I couldn't bear to see him so guilty and suicidal so I confided and told him everything 2
Sub Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 It's crazy that he was suicidal over kissing someone while he was drunk, but that's a different subject. I'm sure he's now pretty conflicted with this new information. How has he reacted to what you've done? 1
Author Natasha.bedding Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 I thought it would make him feel better. Turns out after listening to the whole thing all he said was, "I still shouldn't have done what I did. We should just work things out now. Enough is enough." So that's what we're doing. Working things out but I can't forget what he did
Bryanp Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 If you have been physically cheating on him constantly then you both need to get tested for STD's or otherwise you have been putting his health at risk.
bubbaganoosh Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I thought it would make him feel better. How does that make him feel better? Your lucky he didn't go buy a rope and find a tree with a strong branch and hang himself. I think that you both need to find other people that your suited for. This ain't it.
Sub Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I thought it would make him feel better. Turns out after listening to the whole thing all he said was, "I still shouldn't have done what I did. We should just work things out now. Enough is enough." So that's what we're doing. Working things out but I can't forget what he did I think he needs to be stronger with you. You've been cheating on him constantly, yet it appears the focus from both of you is still that he kissed someone. I can't see how such disproportionate acceptance of responsibility is going to work out in the long run.
drifter777 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Your marriage is in a death spiral and this is just final quiver.
A.Moscote Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 You confessed in his moment of weakness. He was still so guilt-ridden of his own mistake. Anyway it was still a confession, so please prepare and be patience on his following reactions. Kudos as well for choosing to reveal the truth, it is a big step for you. May you keep being honest after this.
road Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 You need to be 100% honest with your BH. Do not trickle truth him if you want to recover your marriage. You both need the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley and his other book His Needs Her needs, when you are done with the SAA book.
The Samurai Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I think that you both need to find other people that your suited for. This ain't it. Completely agree. I'm sure OP will cheat again and again and again....
thummper Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I am going to apologize in the beginning itself because this will be a long one. I met my husband about 11 years ago. At first it was not so much love but eventually our bond kept getting stronger. Finally, we had dated for so long that we got married in 2010. I have to admit that we weren't very keen on marriage but liked each other's company so much that it seemed like the only thing left to do. We were very happy during the first 6 months of our wedding and kinda realised after that we were very bored of each other. We had been together for so long and didn't want to make any effort in rekindling the romance and all that. Talks of seeing other people started. I found someone online and started seeing him in June. Even though we were talking of seeing other people, I never told him that I was already doing it. Finally in December I moved to a different city and started working from there and then it happened. He discovered all my emails (saying i love you, sending some graphic pictures etc etc) to this guy. He was furious because I had lied and was having an affair. He told me he wanted a divorce. However, he calmed down 2-3 days later, realized he didn't want me alone and sad and called me back home. He forgave me instantly, never asked questions, only asked if I had had sex and I had not so I told him the truth. I didn't tell him about the making out sessions and all. I didn't talk to the guy I was having an affair with for a month. But started calling him again after a month. Again, I wasn't telling my husband any of this (ugh, i sound like such a horrible person) Finally, after 6 months I got a job in a different city and the husband and I thought this might be a good time to take a break. I constantly told him that it would not make a difference to me if he slept with someone else but he didn't. I was seeing this guy throughout. Finally, in December we decided to do something for new years together. A friend of mine came along for the trip. On 31st night, after partying I came back to the room but my husband wanted to drink some more. He constant kept calling me to ask me to come out and I wanted to sleep. Eventually, he came to the room at 4 am and started crying and said he had kissed my friend. She had come on to him (which I am not surprised about) and he didn't resist her. He was crying constantly and kept saying that he's stronger than that and that he was so sorry and so sorry. He also said that they would have had sex but he didn't and I don't doubt him for a second. I know he was super drunk and this would have never happened because he is not this person. He couldn't even stand straight when he came to the room but told me the truth instantly. Now the problem. I have been cheating on him constantly, but I am unable to digest the fact that he did something like this. The next morning when he was sober he told me that it might have something to do with the fact that I always said we were on a break and I didn't care and he was shocked that I cared this much. Anyway, I have now broken off all communication with the guy and I am trying to be 100 % in this but I can't get myself to forget that he was making out with another woman. I also can't talk about it much because everytime I utter a word he breaks down and says he'll kill himself if I remind him of what happened that night. and I know he will. This episode made me realize how much I love him and what it means to have someone hurt you. I have sworn to never hurt him again but someone please help me figure out how I should forgive him. I am the one who has erred consciously, and I still can't get myself to forget what he did. So he kissed your friend on ONE occasion! Geeze, lady. I'm still trying to figure out how he could have forgive you for, as you've already admitted, cheating on him constantly. Gosh, infidelity hurts don't it?! 2
thummper Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I thought it would make him feel better. Turns out after listening to the whole thing all he said was, "I still shouldn't have done what I did. We should just work things out now. Enough is enough." So that's what we're doing. Working things out but I can't forget what he did Man alive, you've got a lot of nerve.
bv120 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I'm taken aback at your problem forgiving your husband. How many times did you sleep with the OP? In any event, you'll be back with your OP soon or find yourself a replacement.
harrybrown Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 It does hurt. I hope you will go NC with your boyfriend. If you can't stop your relationship with the boyfriend, divorce him before cheating again. It will take time for your H to also recover from your cheating. Perhaps you and your H could try to be involved with each other and build new memories. It may be a good idea to go to MC.
Spark1111 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 You just learned an invaluable lesson; that H you have SO TAKEN FOR GRANTED can gan a NEW WOMAN in a nanosecond..... How does that make you feel? betrayed, yes? So while you have been cheating on that man, that boring, steady guy you have taken for granted.....He could find a woman who loves, cherishes, and adores him in about two weeks after your departure.... Now what? You NEVER thought him that special, that wonderful, but OTHER WOMEN obviously do... what NOW OP? What you took for granted is desired my man! ball in your court......
tired girl Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Your bothered because you were rejected. Now all of the sudden you can't stand that. The better thing for you to do is figure out how you became someone that can betray someone that supposedly she loves. And how you betrayed yourself. Quit focusing on him. He isn't the issue.
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