Sadwife37 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I read threads on LS written by WS and I event problems in my own M. I guess I would say it triggers me. But mostly it makes me consider situations or possibilities that I had never even thought of before. And I am not good at reminding myself that every wayward spouse is different. I take threads and relate them to my H and our life. I worry and fret about if H does or could feel the same. That's the key. Just because a WS on LS feels a certain way, or behaves a certain way, that doesn't mean my H does that or feels that. One thread talked about how there will never be a greater love that that of an A and an OW/OM. That one nearly killed me! Set me WAY back. Another involved a WH justifying keeping a phone call from OW a secret because it would upset his BS to discuss it, and he felt it was harmless, and not her fishing. Most recently threads about a R WS searching for updates on the OM/OW over a year after DDay and Reconciliation. Boy that stuck in my head and hit a nerve! Did I specifically say my H couldn't look up OW on line? Is that part of NC? Do I need to specify that? Does he want yo keep track of her and is he curious about her? Is he still preoccupied with thoughts about her and spending his free time searching for tid bits of info on her? What do I do? I dwell on these thoughts for 24 hours. Think about nothing but the A, OW, what happened, what could be happening, how H feels. Then what? I googled her of course. I have not searched for OW on line for 2 years. I haven't even looked at her Facebook page in maybe a year. But last night, 27 months after DDay I am googling the POSOW and spending my weekend wasting my time thinking about her and reading about her online. Pitiful - yes! So last night in bed I asked my H. I had to ask. I couldn't stop thinking about it. "Do you search for her online?" His response: What??!! Of course not. Why would you ask me that? Why would you even think I would be doing that? I don't want to know anything about her. I don't want updates. I am not the least bit curious. I am distancing myself in every possible way from that entire time. If there was a button I could push that would erase her from both of our memories I would push it in an instant. If I had my way I would never hear her name again. She represents that absolute worst period in my entire life and I don't want to remember anything to do with that. It is all so over and so mush in the past. So for 2 days I have focused entirely on horrible feeling and thought and emotions for no purpose. I made myself miserable for nothing. I worried and brought up so much pain for nothing. This is clearly 100% my personal issues. H is doing everything 100% right to R. My insecurities keep dragging me back down. I am writing this out to try and make it sink in. We really can make it. The A really can be over. All WS are different! My H isn't the same as anyone else and anyone else's problems don't have to be mine! Happy Monday to anyone who actually reads this long rambling post! Here's to very positive days ahead. 9
janedoe67 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I think it's entirely possible. Especially when forums like this are populated, sadly, at times by both unrepentant WS's and BS's who have made a career of having the moral high ground over their "garbage" spouse. I try to focus my attention on the posts of WS's who truly own their actions and are changing and BS's who are healthy and no longer need to cycle through their own situation with every post. 2
yellowmaverick Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I think you are right in taking the approach that others' situations are not necessarily the same as your own. Good luck to you and your H. 1
almond Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 It seems like this forum is triggering for you. Perhaps consider taking some time away from it to clear your head...no need to put yourself through this if you don't need to. 3
experiencethedevine Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I read threads on LS written by WS and I event problems in my own M. I guess I would say it triggers me. But mostly it makes me consider situations or possibilities that I had never even thought of before. And I am not good at reminding myself that every wayward spouse is different. I take threads and relate them to my H and our life. I worry and fret about if H does or could feel the same. That's the key. Just because a WS on LS feels a certain way, or behaves a certain way, that doesn't mean my H does that or feels that. One thread talked about how there will never be a greater love that that of an A and an OW/OM. That one nearly killed me! Set me WAY back. Another involved a WH justifying keeping a phone call from OW a secret because it would upset his BS to discuss it, and he felt it was harmless, and not her fishing. Most recently threads about a R WS searching for updates on the OM/OW over a year after DDay and Reconciliation. Boy that stuck in my head and hit a nerve! Did I specifically say my H couldn't look up OW on line? Is that part of NC? Do I need to specify that? Does he want yo keep track of her and is he curious about her? Is he still preoccupied with thoughts about her and spending his free time searching for tid bits of info on her? What do I do? I dwell on these thoughts for 24 hours. Think about nothing but the A, OW, what happened, what could be happening, how H feels. Then what? I googled her of course. I have not searched for OW on line for 2 years. I haven't even looked at her Facebook page in maybe a year. But last night, 27 months after DDay I am googling the POSOW and spending my weekend wasting my time thinking about her and reading about her online. Pitiful - yes! So last night in bed I asked my H. I had to ask. I couldn't stop thinking about it. "Do you search for her online?" His response: What??!! Of course not. Why would you ask me that? Why would you even think I would be doing that? I don't want to know anything about her. I don't want updates. I am not the least bit curious. I am distancing myself in every possible way from that entire time. If there was a button I could push that would erase her from both of our memories I would push it in an instant. If I had my way I would never hear her name again. She represents that absolute worst period in my entire life and I don't want to remember anything to do with that. It is all so over and so mush in the past. So for 2 days I have focused entirely on horrible feeling and thought and emotions for no purpose. I made myself miserable for nothing. I worried and brought up so much pain for nothing. This is clearly 100% my personal issues. H is doing everything 100% right to R. My insecurities keep dragging me back down. I am writing this out to try and make it sink in. We really can make it. The A really can be over. All WS are different! My H isn't the same as anyone else and anyone else's problems don't have to be mine! Happy Monday to anyone who actually reads this long rambling post! Here's to very positive days ahead. If it is any consolation sadwife, my husband said the very same many moons ago, and we are in a place of mutual devotion, happiness and contentment 16 years later.......................... 5
ZMM Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 You brought up a very good point. What a great post! Your husband does sound like he has no interest in OW. I would take him at his word and move on with your life. Good luck! 2
confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I totally agree! It's why I've cut my time on LS. I appreciate the support so much but the things I read on here make me think of things I never thought of and apply them to my situation, even if they don't belong there. Good reminder to take long breaks from LS and to keep moving forward in the best way we can. 3
confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I wanted to add, my husband has a similar response about the OW! Very similar and he would love to erase her from our lives too. If I bring up stuff I've read here it sends him on a path of depression and he gets sick and panic attacks start. 2
semicharmedlife Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 OP...are you in therapy? maybe that would help...for you to talk to someone about these feelings...a mild antidepressant may also help. Also...do things for yourself to help improve your self esteem...when your self esteem is better...you wont give a damn about the POSOW... It sounds like your husband is doing everything right...stay off these forums unless you have a specific issue you need help with...and Best wishes for the both of you...many couples do make it through an affair & thrive! 2
aliveagain Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 The key here is the word remorseful, not all wayward spouse's are completely remorseful. Some say they are but their actions show otherwise. There are many truly remorseful former wayward spouse's that post on this forum, some are very wise and give very good advice like janedoe67. No one wins after infidelity but it may help you to make make your marriage bulletproof so others can't interfere. Everyone deserves happiness. 1
Spark1111 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Spinning this to a positive: You identified a feeling, an insecurity and found the courage to communicate it honestly to your WS. He reacted truthfully, passionately, with an honest response that ultimately reassured you, no? All in all, a positive result. Why blame LS? If you are claiming you may not have felt this way if you had not read it here first, I understand that. But truth is you are in a process, a roller coaster, and may have had a trigger of insecurity unrelated to what you read here. isn't it better that he reassured you now rather than later? And please don't wait 24 to 48 hours to share these feelings with your spouse, no matter what or who triggers them. 5
carhill Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 OP, reading your initial post, and knowing nothing of your history other than it appearing you are reconciling your H's affair, I'd echo the advice of another member to stay off this forum if it triggers negative feelings in you, as well as to work with your MC, or get into MC, and address your and H's respective communication styles. Communication *tone* and *content* are equally important during this time of rebuilding your foundation. IMO, it's a great investment. Good luck! 2
Try Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 This is clearly 100% my personal issues. H is doing everything 100% right to R. My insecurities keep dragging me back down. I am writing this out to try and make it sink in. We really can make it. The A really can be over. All WS are different! My H isn't the same as anyone else and anyone else's problems don't have to be mine! Yes, you really can make it. Yes, the A really can be over. Yes, all WS are different. And yes, other peoples problems don't have to be yours. But no, this is not clearly 100% your personal issues. Your husband's past lying and cheating is why you are so insecure. You would be foolish not to be insecure. It will take many years of your H doing everything 100% right for you to begin to trust your H. That is not on you. That is on him. Good luck, I wish you and your H well. 5
experiencethedevine Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 OP, reading your initial post, and knowing nothing of your history other than it appearing you are reconciling your H's affair, I'd echo the advice of another member to stay off this forum if it triggers negative feelings in you, as well as to work with your MC, or get into MC, and address your and H's respective communication styles. Communication *tone* and *content* are equally important during this time of rebuilding your foundation. IMO, it's a great investment. Good luck! Jolly well spot on carhill! 2
snappytomcat Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 my husband also said word for word about the OW,as your husband did,he sounds like hes doing everything right,to recover,so as a lot of people have said maybe you do need a break from here 1
Snowflower Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 There really can be such a thing as too much information! I had a similar thing happen to me when I read here too much, especially the second year. I recommend taking a break from LS because too much time here can be detrimental to your reconciliation. I found myself jumping at ghosts too. 2
rumbleseat Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 If you read something on here, consider the source, and remember that everything here is opinion, not fact. The people who will come on here and make statements like the ones that bother you are viewing the situation from their skewed perspective. Funny thing is that given time and distance from the affair and their opinion often changes. With you husband, you know him better than anyone on here does. It's going to take time to learn to trust him again. So long as you are continuing to talk with him and expressing your fears then giving him a chance to calm them an reassure you, you are moving in the right direction. 2
i am gutted Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I too have spent days searching google to find anymore info and yes it does waste your time and make you miserable..........took me a long time to realise that it wasn't doing me any good. Psych doc said that its time to leave it in the past, I am only making myself sick (which is true) and to live in "the now". Its a good idea and yet still hard to do somedays. I hope you are having a better day today. Take care 1
compulsivedancer Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I'm sorry my situation caused you to doubt yours. As you said, each WS handles things differently. I also think there are some gender differences. It's not a bad thing, if you worry, to discuss it with your H and let him reassure you, see his reaction and know that there's nothing to be worried about. And of course, take frequent breaks from LS. It may be time for me to do the same. 2
Steadfast Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 If you read something on here, consider the source, and remember that everything here is opinion, not fact. The people who will come on here and make statements like the ones that bother you are viewing the situation from their skewed perspective. Funny thing is that given time and distance from the affair and their opinion often changes Speak for yourself, lest you be guilty of spreading the same dribble. I know several well respected, consistent posters who frequent this forum. That number includes people I don't always agree with. There _IS_ a right and a wrong and anyone who denies that is a coward. That's my opinion. 1
HokeyReligions Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 I've been on LS over a decade (yikes!) And I can tell you that you are not the first person who has become emotionally turned-around or even to confuse their own reality to what they have read. You won't be the last. This is human nature and one reason the media is so powerful. If you repeat something long enough people will believe it. If its something one can relate to the impact is greater. Step away from loveshack for a while and let yourself remember that LS is only a small fraction of the population. Many find their way here when they are in crisis. None of us are licensed counselors and if any of us are - then we/they know that its impossible and unethical to diagnose and treat someone we've never met or qualified. If LS had been around when my husband and I had problems prior to and just after marriage I would have been told to go no contact and move on. If I had done that we would not be celebrating 28 years of marriage in June. Take a break from LS and if and when you come back stay off the infidelity forum for a while 1
Author Sadwife37 Posted February 25, 2014 Author Posted February 25, 2014 Thank you for all the replies. They are very positive and I appreciate all the advice and wisdom. I absolutely agree that I need a break from LS. Time to take up baking! H loves sweets
jnel921 Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 LS to me has not been a place to trigger emotions. It is a place where I know I am not alone in my situation, where I get meaningful advice, where I can add my own life experiences to help someone feel that they are not alone. In order to R successfully, you have to ask the tough questions. If asking about internet searches will ease your mind then so be it. I don't think it's a bad thing. Our WS went to great lengths to lie, sneak and go above and beyond to have their A. I think it is only fair to question anything and everything. 1
Steadfast Posted February 25, 2014 Posted February 25, 2014 When I first joined, talking about my issues was just too painful. The advice I was given seemed harsh and unhelpful. I wanted to know how to change her mind and win her back. I wanted to know how to make her love me again. I couldn't accept that was impossible. So I left. I returned to help, because I knew how lonely life could be. I cannot describe how helpful it was to speak with others who understood. Returning the favor is a noble effort. The drama here can be intense. You have to step back and realize people are in different stages. It isn't a wise idea to sentance someone for the crimes of another. 1
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