Exclusive dating vs Sex? [update]

[GoreSP]

I didn't read the whole thread. But from what I am reading, you are asking someone to make a commitment after just two weeks of dating.

It also seems like you are dangling sex as a 'reward'...

 

Seems weird to me.

 

I'd totally have sex with the guy. Enjoy it for what it is (just sex) and take the rest slow. If it's not meant to be, it'll crash whether we have sex or not.

[RedRobin]

People who want sex within an exclusive relationship aren't dangling anything as a 'reward'.

 

 

Some people just aren't into using other human beings as a walking dildo or vacant hole.

 

 

Some people expect to be treated with a share of decency and prove they have some shred of integrity or honesty BEFORE swapping genital fluids.

 

 

it's not too much to ask... it's hardly a 'reward'. More like solid good sense.

 

 

And, I'm with you OP. The only thing is, the world is full of turd balls like this guy. Part of the chore of dating for women who are looking for a relationship is being put in this spot where we are supposed to keep our hearts open and our legs closed... OR be treated like a f*ckbuddy... while guys get to do whatever dafuq they want... and when they lie, it is somehow our fault and something WE are supposed to be ashamed about since we didn't bring the MOFO polygraph with us to the date(s).

 

 

If he just wants someone who is DTF, he can find someone who isn't looking for an exclusive relationship... Problem solved...

 

No. This guy is a straight out *sshole, and you'd be ok on MY terms if you told everyone you know that he is... and yea... let him know that if he wants favors from you or anyone with half a brain, then he can learn how to be a decent human being for a change. Or not...

 

 

oh... and exclusivity is not a commitment. Marriage is a commitment. 'Exclusivity' is just monogamy. It's not like she is asking the guy to marry her. Not sure why some people have such a hard time with monogamy. Asking someone to be monogamous before having sex with them seems like a big fat no-brainer and really shouldn't be any big deal whether it is after one day or two weeks of knowing someone. If the guy didn't want to be monogamous, he shouldn't have tried to get it on with the OP, who obviously had different goals. THAT is what makes him an *sshole.

Edited March 3, 2014 by RedRobin

[Mommame2]

well in all honesty....I felt very weird about how we were leaving things...and I didn't want that black cloud hanging over my head.

 

So, I messaged him and told him this morning and said for my own conscience...I wanted him to know I was sorry for any problems I may have caused and if my words and actions were inconsistent....that was on me. I told him I really enjoyed spending time with him and it saddens me that things ended so poorly. I told him I wished him well and that I understand we are both coming out of rough marriages and that the recovery phase is a tough one... and I acknowledge that in myself in an effort to heal and become more healthy....emotionally.

 

He responded and said "I really, really, enjoy spending time with you. You were transparent. I apologize for any miscommunication....I'm sorry that my words misled you."

 

And that was it.

 

So I think that's proof that even HE KNEW that he screwed up here...

[RedRobin]

well in all honesty....I felt very weird about how we were leaving things...and I didn't want that black cloud hanging over my head.

 

So, I messaged him and told him this morning and said for my own conscience...I wanted him to know I was sorry for any problems I may have caused and if my words and actions were inconsistent....that was on me. I told him I really enjoyed spending time with him and it saddens me that things ended so poorly. I told him I wished him well and that I understand we are both coming out of rough marriages and that the recovery phase is a tough one... and I acknowledge that in myself in an effort to heal and become more healthy....emotionally.

 

He responded and said "I really, really, enjoy spending time with you. You were transparent. I apologize for any miscommunication....I'm sorry that my words misled you."

 

And that was it.

 

So I think that's proof that even HE KNEW that he screwed up here...

 

 

(facepalm)

 

 

He's not sorry.

 

 

.... and you have nothing to apologize for.

 

 

I hope you don't let this weasel back into your life down the road.

Edited March 3, 2014 by RedRobin

[Mommame2]

No I won't. And I'm currently debating going to the same event he's going to (that I was supposed to go to for my own reasons) with this gorgeous guy I met last week. That might be kind of fun!

 

I know that's mean. But I wanted to go anyway and I don't want this to ruin it for me.

[RedRobin]

No I won't. And I'm currently debating going to the same event he's going to (that I was supposed to go to for my own reasons) with this gorgeous guy I met last week. That might be kind of fun!

 

I know that's mean. But I wanted to go anyway and I don't want this to ruin it for me.

 

 

It's only mean if you are using the other guy to get back at the weasel.

 

 

If you wanted to go anyway, then there is nothing mean about it.

[GoreSP]

 

Some people just aren't into using other human beings as a walking dildo or vacant hole.

 

 

Some people expect to be treated with a share of decency and prove they have some shred of integrity or honesty BEFORE swapping genital fluids.

 

 

And some people don't have the proverbial dildo stuck sideways up their a$$.

 

I think that if a girl is saying 'I will only have sex as part of a serious relationship' then makes out with the guy before said commitment was made by the guy, yes, she is dangling sex as a 'reward'.

[peanutgallery]

Wow I don't know what to say!!!!

[RedRobin]

And some people don't have the proverbial dildo stuck sideways up their a$$.

 

I think that if a girl is saying 'I will only have sex as part of a serious relationship' then makes out with the guy before said commitment was made by the guy, yes, she is dangling sex as a 'reward'.

 

 

Look, if you are ok with casual sex, then stick with others who feel the same way. It's not too much to ask. If you don't want any responsibility, feelings, or emotions attached to sex, you are welcome to avoid those who don't share your philosophy. In fact you are OBLIGED to avoid those who don't share your philosophy, unless you want to also be an *sshole just like this guy...

 

 

That's what this guy should have done... but he didn't. You don't have to agree with it... I don't agree with douchebag people pretending to have different values just so they can get NSA sex with people they are attracted to, but don't have the cahones or morals to show discretion and self-restraint. It's dishonest. And mean. Even evil, if you ask me.

 

 

His words led her to believe they were on the same page. She said up front what she was looking for, and he lied to her.

 

 

Read the whole thread, please.

 

 

Anyway, do YOU have any standards? Or basically, any expectations are just dangling rewards. Do you just sleep with anyone? If not, then why not? I mean, if you say no for any reason or state any expectations in advance, you could be accused of the same. Of dangling whatever. In return for whatever.

 

 

IMO, there is nothing wrong with having expectations. If the other person misrepresents themselves, it is on the liar... not the person who was lied to.

 

 

She walked away after she learned he was not honest. She did her part... both before and afterward...

Edited March 3, 2014 by RedRobin

[Mommame2]

I'm Catholic. And I spent over a year dating my ex and NOT sleeping with him out of our Choice. We said we wouldn't. But that didn't mean we couldn't have fun in other ways.

 

So kissing him. And getting a massage with OUT oils btw was not exactly my permission slip and the opening of my legs.

 

I just wanted honesty and respect from the guy. Yes had he said I want to just have sex with YOU for the next couple months and see we're this goes ... I would have continued.

 

But I'm not dangling anything. It was my choice. He knew that. And he's not apologized for misleading me. He knows he did.

 

So please don't say that I'm dangling anything.

[GoreSP]

Look, if you are ok with casual sex, then stick with others who feel the same way. It's not too much to ask. If you don't want any responsibility, feelings, or emotions attached to sex, you are welcome to avoid those who don't share your philosophy. In fact you are OBLIGED to avoid those who don't share your philosophy, unless you want to also be an *sshole just like this guy...

 

This is what I'm doing. If you aren't ok with casual sex, that's fine.

 

But if you're going to take the right to imply that I have no common decency and are just looking to 'fill a vacant hole' and have no standards because I'm fine with casual sex, I'm going to take the right to imply you are a stuck up bitch because you are not ok with casual sex.

[GoreSP]

 

That's what this guy should have done... but he didn't. You don't have to agree with it... I don't agree with douchebag people pretending to have different values just so they can get NSA sex with people they are attracted to, but don't have the cahones or morals to show discretion and self-restraint. It's dishonest. And mean. Even evil, if you ask me.

 

 

His words led her to believe they were on the same page. She said up front what she was looking for, and he lied to her.

 

 

Read the whole thread, please.

 

 

Anyway, do YOU have any standards? Or basically, any expectations are just dangling rewards. Do you just sleep with anyone? If not, then why not? I mean, if you say no for any reason or state any expectations in advance, you could be accused of the same. Of dangling whatever. In return for whatever.

 

 

IMO, there is nothing wrong with having expectations. If the other person misrepresents themselves, it is on the liar... not the person who was lied to.

 

 

She walked away after she learned he was not honest. She did her part... both before and afterward...

 

I do have standards and I don't sleep with just anyone. If I want to have sex with a guy, I do, if I don't want to have sex with a guy. I am not telling a guy 'oh, if you want to have sex with me, you'll have to commit to a relationship sorry'

 

Also, please note that OP started having sex with the guy before he said «I'm all yours». She also went against what she originally said ('will not have sex unless we are in a relationship'.

[RedRobin]

This is what I'm doing. If you aren't ok with casual sex, that's fine.

 

But if you're going to take the right to imply that people who like casual sex have no common decency and are just looking to 'fill a vacant hole' and have no standards, I'm going to take the right to imply you are a stuck up bitch.

 

 

I'm implying that people who like casual sex avoid those who don't.

 

 

It's not that difficult. The fact that this guy had to lie is not surprising. It's pretty much the only way weasels like him even get a shot at women like the OP. They lie.

 

 

Yep, that's how I feel about casual sex and people who do it. You don't have to like it, and you don't have to call names. You can start another thread about all the rules people who have casual sex have that ensure common decency and standards... because THAT is the only deal here. There are always rules. THIS douchebag didn't want rules.

 

 

The OP was quite up front about her desire to avoid casual sex and her wishes should have been respected. Period.

[Mommame2]

So -- just an interesting update. Mr. CEO texted me today upon return of his trip and he wanted to know if I could still have a reporter sent over to cover his event.

 

 

Yep -- I just said ....thanks for revisiting the idea...I will see if anyone wants to do the story. I told him that news coverage was completely out of my hands, but that I would pass it along.

 

 

Of course..I won't. But, I just thought WOW. He's that brazen.

[RedRobin]

So -- just an interesting update. Mr. CEO texted me today upon return of his trip and he wanted to know if I could still have a reporter sent over to cover his event.

 

 

Yep -- I just said ....thanks for revisiting the idea...I will see if anyone wants to do the story. I told him that news coverage was completely out of my hands, but that I would pass it along.

 

 

Of course..I won't. But, I just thought WOW. He's that brazen.

 

 

I'd probably say something like "Doubt it. I wouldn't want one of our reporters to be misled with your words. We have standards here to uphold"

 

 

LOL.

 

 

Then again, sometimes the blow off like what you did is a lot more efficient.

 

 

Damn, what a total tool he is...

Edited March 4, 2014 by RedRobin

[Mommame2]

He IS and I just want to be able to be angry.... I still tend to blame myself. Not that I plan to talk to him again ... I just mean...in some ways, I feel like the psycho chick.

I know that I only asked for exclusivity when it came to s*x....but, I didn't mean to push him. It was just my rule.....and I was fine with not going there UNTIL we both agreed on that. And I guess that "miscommunication" was me thinking he was AGREEING to that...since he was initiating something I repeatedly said "no" to.

 

 

Just feeling like a wreck...and I want to be seen as strong. Not pathetic.

[oldshirt]

 

Yes had he said I want to just have sex with YOU for the next couple months and see we're this goes ... I would have continued.

.

 

...and this is what I've been saying since the beginning of the thread. She was attracted to him and wanted to have sexual relations with him.

 

They only thing they have disagreed on her is she wanted him to not see other people and he wasn't agreeable to that so she didn't go all the way with him.

 

There were no lies or deceptions. It was two people who have two different ideas of what the relationship should be. One wanted a casual, FWB arrangement, the other wanted an exclusive relationship. Both basically agreed to disagree and moved on.

[Mommame2]

No the problem is I DID begin to have s*x with him...and I stopped him and asked him if we were on the same page....that I was concerned...and that is when he fessed up....

 

 

Not to mention I stopped him because he was doing so without any protection. And without getting too graphic ...at the time it was happening...I wasn't absolutely sure we were having s*x... or not. He was using other means...

[oldshirt]

He IS and I just want to be able to be angry.... I still tend to blame myself. Not that I plan to talk to him again ... I just mean...in some ways, I feel like the psycho chick.

I know that I only asked for exclusivity when it came to s*x....but, I didn't mean to push him. It was just my rule.....and I was fine with not going there UNTIL we both agreed on that. And I guess that "miscommunication" was me thinking he was AGREEING to that...since he was initiating something I repeatedly said "no" to.

 

 

Just feeling like a wreck...and I want to be seen as strong. Not pathetic.

 

The reason you don't feel angry is you don't have anything to feel angry about. He didn't do anything wrong or mean or underhanded to you. You are trying to twist things in your head so that you can be the victim and he can be the big, bad wolf, but the bottom line is there was no wrong doing and there was no ill-will etc.

 

The reason you are feeling so confused and so out of whack is because you actually do like him and are attracted to him and you do want to ride him like a stolen horse. Your feeling of attraction and desire are real.

 

That is being fueled by the fact that he likes you too and is attracted to you and is still contacting you and showing no ill-will or resentment even though you kinda dumped him (you kinda did and kinda didn't)

 

Where your internal conflict is coming is is your body, your heart and your vagina are wanting him to wrap your legs over his shoulders and drive you to Poundtown but your rational moral code and your value system is telling you that that you shouldn't be having sexual thoughts and feelings for someone who refuses to commit to you. .....but you still do have those feelings.

 

Your feelings towards him are also very conflicted. You desire him because he is a fun, successful, desirable guy. But you are frustrated with him because he won't roll over and give you the commitment and exclusivity you want.

 

It's fair to want an exclusivity agreement in place before you go there with him. It's also fair to say " what-the-hell" and go ahead and Hoff him a few times and see where it goes.

 

What's not fair is to give mixed messages where you are saying one thing but doing another and being angry with him and treating him like a bad guy when he didn't do anything wrong to you.

 

You are going to feel this dichotomy and confusion until you can find a way to reconcile your feelings for him with your need for a commitment.

 

As I said in an earlier post your options are to - basically suck it up, have no further contact with him and move on and put this all behind you.

 

-try to work it so that you establish some solid sexual boundaries and date for awhile and get to know each other better and see if the relationship turns into a serious, long term R or not before you have sex.

 

- have sex with him on his terms as part of a FWB arrangement and see if over time it turns into an actual R or not.

 

All of those options carry some risk and carry some hardships. All also carry some potential benifit.

 

You have to weigh the odds and do what you think will work best for you.

[Divasu]

When I've found myself in the past having this type of an emotional reaction (and thankfully, it's now become very few and far between) it signals to me that I have a lot of "gunk" going on under the surface that needs to be dealt with.

 

I can't really acknowledge anything terrible on this man's part, seems he was attracted to you and wanted to be sexual with you. Yeah his choice of words were poor and hurtful and it would be nice if he initially told you before things got hot and heavy that he's not in a place to invest but, that's very rare.

 

Sometimes men view a relationship initially similar to how (as in this case), you're viewing sex. There is a deeper meaning attached to it and you want to be sure the foundation is right for you before proceeding.

 

Imagine him putting pressure on you to have sex, well, in this case the pressure was placed on him to give you something he wasn't ready to give. Not after 2 weeks, maybe not ever. Try not to feel to bad about this, sometimes people just get caught up in the moment.

[oldshirt]

No the problem is I DID begin to have s*x with him...and I stopped him and asked him if we were on the same page....that I was concerned...and that is when he fessed up....

 

 

Not to mention I stopped him because he was doing so without any protection. And without getting too graphic ...at the time it was happening...I wasn't absolutely sure we were having s*x... or not. He was using other means...

 

All of this is really starting to sound like a 16 year old on her first trip to Lover's Lane in the backseat of the car with the football star.

 

This does not sound like a 38 year woman who has been married and has had prior sex partners before. At some point you are going to have to take some responsibility for your own desires, your own sexuality and your own boundaries.

 

Most women have gone through this and worked through by the time they are in their early to mid twenties and had a few years away at college. Maybe you married young enough and were naive enough and sheltered enough to have missed that part of the dating experience.

 

This is nothing more than the standard girl meets jock, jock makes girls Jay-Jay tingle, girl want little house with white-fence and 2.2 kids while jock wants to sew wild oats story.

 

This is delt with at high schools and college campuses all across the world, it's an issue of values and boundaries. You define your values and enforce your boundaries. If sex is off the table untill a commitment then don't get nekkid and into bed with him or put yourself in a situation where that will be likely to occur.

 

If he wants to play and have fun, he can put it out there and try, but at the end of the day he has to respect your sexual boundaries if he wants to play, he knows what your Price of Admission is.

 

He can either give up some freedom and go steady with you, or he can put his Willy back in his pants and move on to the next girl.

[RedRobin]

This is a grown *ss man... It's time people let go of the stupid boys will be boys argument. Yea, we get it that lots of old guys and little boys exist on the same continuum... which is... they don't share accept any responsibility for sex and exist simply to see what they can get away with.

 

 

He did his best to weasel her into bed, she saw through him just in the nick of time.

 

 

He doesn't get to be the good guy. If he wanted to be the good guy, he had many opportunities.

 

 

Now he gets to pay the price. She has no respect for him and hopefully, ain't doing him any favors either. That's what happens in the real world. Guys like him need to understand there ARE consequences for being less than upfront. He didn't get a piece of *ss and he's not getting his press event either. That's what he gets for lying and trying to manipulate. He burnt a bridge.

 

... and OP, I'm not saying you need to feel like a victim. But you also don't need to say a friendly how-de-do over the fence and shrug either. Guy is a d*ck. The only reason he responded in a half-way nice manner is because he thought there were other favors you could do for him. He's just a user. He probably cheated on his wife too... and that's why he's divorced. Did you ever ask him why he was divorced or divorcing??

 

 

... as for feeling strong. You didn't have sex with him, and you aren't one of the many women he's having unprotected sex with. Sounds pretty strong to me.

 

 

Some of the folks here prefer you (and other women in your situation) to feel pathetic because they are used to putting all the responsibility for sex on the woman's shoulders. They like it that way... If you wait, then it's your fault if he's not interested... and if you don't wait, then it is your fault if he treats you like a f*ckbuddy.... rather than have an adult conversation about goals and expectations.

 

 

You did your part. He didn't do his part. At all.

 

 

He's an adult. He should have just walked away when he saw your goals were different. But see... lots of people don't expect men to have any responsibility. They expect men to be sleezy, like him.

Edited March 4, 2014 by RedRobin

[RedRobin]

... and OP, you have plenty to be proud of...

 

 

You saw his true colors early on... imagine how those other ladies are going to feel when they get strung along for however long... or find out how many other women he's sleeping with.

 

 

Just be happy that ain't you.

 

 

I mean, it's not like his d*ck is gold plated. Take away the fancy title, and he's just another schmuck. Nothing special.

[Mommame2]

"I mean, it's not like his d*ck is gold plated. Take away the fancy title, and he's just another schmuck. Nothing special"

 

 

LOL...that's hysterical! Thank you for making me laugh.... I needed it!

[oldshirt]

There one thing you're overlooking in all your manbashing and misanthropic fervor Red Robin - she actually likes him and is very attracted to him and wants to be with him.

 

I get the distinct impression he likes her to a certain degree as well.

 

We can all go on the Oprah Winfrey Show and hate men till the cows come home but that doesn't change the fact the only thing that stopped this from being nights of passion was he didn't want to close the door on other options yet.

 

If you want to think every man is just a lecherous predictor out to use and abuse every delicate little 38 year old virgin that just got out of a 13 year marriage that's your business. But vilifying and demonizing some guy that that she has feelings for and who hasn't actually done anything wrong isn't going to help resolve the situation.

 

I may have a completely opposite view on this situation than you but I at least recognize she has feelings for him and I'm not just knee-jerk bashing him because some other mistreated me in my past.