MidwestUSA Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 THEN he says "baby I'm all yours" and I thought that meant he was ready to just be with me. He was, right then. For the next five to ten minutes. He wasn't really lying, you let him get that far and he thought those words would push you over. Almost worked. Have the exclusivity talk OUTSIDE of the bedroom, with clothing on.
oldshirt Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I think what is most difficult is that he says that he wants to date me but he's just not ready for exclusive because he needs to know me better and gauge our "emotional intelligence". That just kills me because I consistently told him I didn't want to rush things because I felt like we had such great potential and I wanted to know him on all levels first. But instead now we have basically had sex and he says he can't be exclusive because he wants to know me better first. I think this is also causing some of your confusion and distress. This is just an example of the differences between the girls and the boys. You see this as double-talk because he was all about having sex but it holding you back as far as any kind of commitment or serious relationship. you think if he is ready for the intimacy of sexuality then he should be ready for the intimacy of a serious relationship right? Well that is just one of the areas that boys and girls differ. Men are not afraid of sexuality like women are. They don't have all these fears and insecurities and vulnerabilities in regards to sex that women do. A man can meet an attractive, sexy woman and have a purely physical and sexual encounter with her and not feel one iota of fear or anxiety or insecurity etc etc women protect their sexualities and feel vulnerable to their sexualities. men don't. Men protect their time, their resources, their freedom, their finances and their hearts. They don't protect their penises. so what this means is a man will gladly give you his penis and won't think a thing of it, if that is all you want and all you are asking him for. The minute you start wanting his time and his commitment and his exclusivity and his resources and start wanting to limit what he can do with other people and with his resources etc etc etc he is going to suddenly become a lot more cautious and guarded. Guys will give you their penises all day long and twice on Sundays. It's when you want those other things that they get cautious guarded. As a middle aged man, I understand with chrystal clarity what he is saying here. He's saying he is attracted to you and likes you enough to invite you into his bed to have sex with you, but he doesn't know you enough and your relationship hasn't developed enough with him yet for him to start dropping his guard and giving you access to those other areas of his life yet. He likes you enough that he wants to touch you and kiss you and stick his penis in you, but he doesn't love and trust enough to limit his other options and to commit to spending the amount of time and resources he has for love/romance/sexuality to only you. Chrystal clear and makes perfect sense to another man. But to a woman, it seems like a mixed message since women are guarded and cautious of their sexualities. From my point of view as another middle aged man, he has been perfectly upfront with you and has given you no mixed messages. He wants to spend some time with you, have some laughs and some fun. and he wants to have some sexy fun time and have some casual, sport-sex with you. but he hasn't gotten to know you well enough and your relationship hasn't developed enough for him to know if you are "the one" that he is wanting to commit to and buy the whole package. Your decision process is simple here. are you willing to accept that or not? yes or no? Your options are to - basically have a FWB arrangement until one or the other of you wants more or wants less and cross that bridge when you get to it. - continue to date and get to know each other more but lay down a hard boundary of no sex until it is a relationship of your choosing and don't be getting nekkid into bed with him until you are ready. - consider it a near-miss and move on. 1
oldshirt Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Yes I agree. But we has the exclusive talk the day before and he said he thought of it as a day to day decision because he was so into me. And I said we will know when the time is right ... THEN he says "baby I'm all yours" and I thought that meant he was ready to just be with me. I got quite the wake up call. At best he's in the process of a divorce. his whole life is day to day. if you are wanting a serious, exclusive, committed relationship, you were barking up the wrong tree from day one. "Baby I'm your's" while you are naked in bed, covered in massage oil is just dirty, sex talk. You took that out of context. Your confusion over it is because your mind was trying to reconcile and make sense of what your body was wanting to hear in that moment. I agree with MidwestUSA, any discussions of the nature and parameters of your relationship need to be taking place, fully dressed, fully sober, during the light of day when people aren't sexually stimulated and aroused. 1
oldshirt Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I just have this girlfriend who keeps on me about trying to see him. I almost feel like SHE shouldn't be a friend anymore. Well... Last year she encouraged me to have an affair so I could get courage to leave my ex husband. Now she keeps telling me that I should pursue this guy ... And just have fun. But like I've said here... I don't compartmentalize sex. I get attached. Clearly ... And I think this guy would make things worse in the big picture. This gal is one of two things, she's either a single gal that's a player herself and doesn't really grasp that other need to be in a serious, stable, exclusive relationship to fully embrace their sexuality. Or she is a bored and frustrated married woman longing for some freedom and fun and excitement herself and is trying to get you to do what she wants to be so she can live vicariously through you. Either way, she is not you and isn't helping you move towards your own personal goals so stop listening to her.
Author Mommame2 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 Understood. However our exclusive talk was during the daylight/clothed/non stimulated hours. He told me he wanted me 100 percent. That was the day BEFORE. He said it is a day up day thing but he was feeling "all in". So the handing me a cocktail and messing around.... Seemed safe. But something told me that things weren't right. So I stopped him and asked. On top of that... The following day when he informed me of the misunderstanding... He said it may be months before he gets there. Hmmmm what happened to day to day?! He chose option 2. To see me without sex getting in the way. But interestingly enough .. He backed far away. Then I got a text inviting me to his house for dinner and drinks when he returns to town this week. So I said no ... And told him that I am looking for someone who wants to just focus in one person at a time. He said okay... That he thought it was healthy for us to take a break. So that's what happened.
oldshirt Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Understood. However our exclusive talk was during the daylight/clothed/non stimulated hours. He told me he wanted me 100 percent. That was the day BEFORE. He said it is a day up day thing but he was feeling "all in". So the handing me a cocktail and messing around.... Seemed safe. But something told me that things weren't right. So I stopped him and asked. On top of that... The following day when he informed me of the misunderstanding... He said it may be months before he gets there. Hmmmm what happened to day to day?! He chose option 2. To see me without sex getting in the way. But interestingly enough .. He backed far away. Then I got a text inviting me to his house for dinner and drinks when he returns to town this week. So I said no ... And told him that I am looking for someone who wants to just focus in one person at a time. He said okay... That he thought it was healthy for us to take a break. So that's what happened. Question for you - how old are you and how much relationship/dating/sexual experience have you had prior to this? As far as his reply to you saying that you want someone who wants to focus on someone one person at a time, here is the direct translation any time someone uses the word,"break" - "..I want to go out with and try on some other people for size for awhile but I want to be able to come back to you if none of the other one's work out." In other words, in his mind, he gave it a shot but it didn't work and now he is moving on. I suggest you do the same.
MidwestUSA Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Can you TRY to remember that this guy isn't even divorced yet? Maybe that'll help with your 'reassurance'. He's nowhere near ready to be exclusive about anything.
TAV Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 "I just have this girlfriend who keeps on me about trying to see him. I almost feel like SHE shouldn't be a friend anymore. Well... Last year she encouraged me to have an affair so I could get courage to leave my ex husband." What kind of "friend" is this? Stop listening to this crazy persons advice RIGHT NOW! What are you? 5?? You can make you own decisions, stop playing victim.
OhThatGirl Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Sure we can't really blame him. He was mostly upfront. But he's still sleazy. He's not divorced yet, his wife may have an entirely different idea of where they are at in terms of the divorce, and again... He's willing to leave his young kids alone at night for sex. OP, you're recently divorced. This guy is successful and exciting and comes on strong. It can be exhilarating but he's entirely unable to make this situation into something you want. His saying "I'm all in" is quite literally what he wants. To get it in. Your friend sounds like maybe she's giving advice on how Stella should get her groove back and entirely disregarding those complications known as practicalities and emotions. Ignore her. You did the right thing by telling this guy you're not interested. IF he wanted to wait on sex and get to know you better he wouldn't ask you to his HOUSE for dinner and drinks. Good that you see this. You'll find someone else that will want the whole package and is capable of following your lead about when to introduce sex into the relationship. Wait for that guy.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I posted here before and need some reassurance. I was wondering why you started another thread about the exact same thing as your previous thread, and then presto, it merged into the previous thread. I am just out of divorce and a VeRY successful man messages me on FB. So you're just out of a divorce, and this guy isn't even divorced yet. I told you earlier in the thread that one valuable bit of truth I've learned from this forum, which gives me the luxury of learning from someone else's mistakes, is that nobody is ready for anything serious for at least 2 years after a divorce. That goes for you and him. Emotionally, you're just not ready, and you need time to heal. Also, a woman who just divorced or ended a romantic relationship is viewed as an easy target by men who seek out women in pain they can more easily manipulate and exploit. I told him I wasn't ready to date (when he asked me out ) but after our texts kept intensifying and we hit it off so well .... I agreed to go to coffee with him. Well that turned into a drink after work. So, you've already shown him he can easily push and run over your boundaries. You say "not ready to date", he steamrolls that. You suggest friendly coffee date, he steamrolls that into nighttime date with liquor. Yep, he sounds like a "very successful" man so far. Successful at dominating vulnerable women with poor boundaries and weak self-respect. So on the third time seeing him he says he wants to give me massage. Blindfold and all. He seduces me. Handed me a cocktail at the door. So he and I get hot and heavy and he tried to enter me. I say no we can't. He said ok. Why did you let yourself be led into a very sexual situation and then change your mind? This is dangerous behavior. With a guy who has already shown expertise at steamrolling your marshmallow-weight boundaries, this could have ended badly. So we stopped talking now. He makes it out that I'm a prude. Am I being unreasonable? I just need more feedback. I'm just very vulnerable right now. You're not being a prude. To me, you come across as a woman hurting after a divorce, looking for a band-aid to heal your pain. But it doesn't work like that. How long have you been divorced? Why don't you tell us about your marriage and why it fell apart? Stop and think about why you're diving right back into a sexual situation with a guy who is behaving like a player and a jerk.
MissBee Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Come on now....2 weeks... You cant know someone for that little bit of time and really expect exclusivity. You barely know the guy. Next time really get to know someone if youre worried about being exclusive before sex. 2 weeks isnt long enough. I agree. Also, if you don't want to have sex on the table don't go over to a man's house for cocktails. I'm not saying that it's always a ploy for sex, but majority of the time the bed is right there, you have privacy, you're liquored up and you both can go against your better intentions. So if you're serious about waiting for exclusivity make your dates ones where it's doing activities or getting to know each other and don't put yourself in an environment that will increase the chance of sex. I'm also confused at how him saying "I'm all yours" confused and misled you. He hasn't done anything as far as I can see that would make you believe he has asked you to be his exclusive gf, so I think you kind of led yourself on. This man has made is abundantly clear that he isn't interested in committing to you, that's fine, you can now move on and take time to get to know someone else who's on the same page. Wait for the commitment and exclusivity talk to come before the clothes come off, that is, nobody is gonna bring up exclusivity during foreplay lol and if they do you can bet they're only agreeing to it or saying it to get you to have sex. In most relationships that talk will happen outside of any kind of sexual context. 1
Author Mommame2 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 (edited) Yes I understand. He is clearly not on the same page as I am about dating/sex. And here's something even more difficult. I work in the media. He's a CEO. He asked me last week if I could help him get media coverage on the event that he is taking another woman to. (Which I just learned couple days ago). Initialky I said yes. Now that we aren't really speaking... Should I stay true to my word and have someone call him or just avoid it like the plague. And as for going to his house. That's kind of why we ended up doing that... I get recognized. And being out and about ain't great for dating. Edited March 2, 2014 by Mommame2
Gottabestrong Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 And here's something even more difficult. I work in the media. He's a CEO. He asked me last week if I could help him get media coverage on the event that he is taking another woman to. (Which I just learned couple days ago). Initialky I said yes. Now that we aren't really speaking... Should I stay true to my word and have someone call him or just avoid it like the plague. Wow. He wants you to get him media coverage for an event he is taken another woman to? That's brazen. I would avoid him like the plague.
BradJacobs Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I work in the media. And as for going to his house. That's kind of why we ended up doing that... I get recognized. And being out and about ain't great for dating. You are a reporter/news anchor/weather girl of some notoriety locally and you initially were messaged by this chap on Facebook? How many of those sorts of messages do you receive per week? I have a hard time believing any person with options would be this gullible/desperate so I'm going to call BS on this entire thing. It just gets more and more fishy the deeper into it that you go.
Author Mommame2 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 That's not really fair. I met him once before at a conference and we became FB friends. But is didn't really "know" him until he messaged me. I'm real. Maybe stupid story. But it is the truth.
MidwestUSA Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 That's not really fair. I met him once before at a conference and we became FB friends. But is didn't really "know" him until he messaged me. I'm real. Maybe stupid story. But it is the truth. You're in media. Definitely rethink sending out racy pics to these guys via text! What happens if one of them feels snubbed, and opts to use those pics against you? 2
Author Mommame2 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 Yeah I've sent only a couple over my lifetime and they are always without any identifying factors. Including my head or background. But you are right ..
Ruby Slippers Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 And here's something even more difficult. I work in the media. He's a CEO. He asked me last week if I could help him get media coverage on the event that he is taking another woman to. (Which I just learned couple days ago). Initialky I said yes. Now that we aren't really speaking... Should I stay true to my word and have someone call him or just avoid it like the plague. You clearly aren't thinking clearly or feeling good about yourself, given that you would even entertain the notion of getting this jerk media coverage. Put him in your history and leave him there. Where is your self-respect? 1
oldshirt Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Question for you - how old are you and how much relationship/dating/sexual experience have you had prior to this? . You haven't answered my question yet.
Author Mommame2 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 I'm 38. He's 42. Was sexually abused as a teen. Had only a couple of partners before marriage of 13 years. That ended within the last 6 months.
thegreatesthumphrey Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 All relationships are great at the beginning because your mind plays a role in assuming the reality, only because you dont know 100% the person or the status of the relationship.
RedRobin Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 (edited) Men are not afraid of sexuality like women are. They don't have all these fears and insecurities and vulnerabilities in regards to sex that women do. A man can meet an attractive, sexy woman and have a purely physical and sexual encounter with her and not feel one iota of fear or anxiety or insecurity etc etc. ... and why is that?? I'll tell you why... because they aren't shamed and humiliated for their desires like women are. The only way men are obliged to face the consequences of their behavior is when a woman gets pregnant and sues him for child support. Otherwise, it's all fun in the playground... AND... people pat him on the back for being a stud. Me personally... I don't think the OP needs to be shamed and humiliated for wanting to trust this dirtbag. She told him what she was looking for... and he pushed, weaseled, manipulated, blah blah... sure, sure... we women are all told that this is what we are supposed to look out for (and I'm certainly one to help women sort them out too)... but I'll be damned if SHE needs to feel ashamed of the fact that HE is a lying *sshole. IMHO, the minute she said she was looking for an exclusive relationship, he should have walked away, and told her, sorry we're not in the same place right now... good luck.... ... not try to do a tap dance around it so he can get a piece of *ss... The LEAST she can do is eliminate him from her social circle... but maybe not before she tells him, that had he decided to be a gentleman and more upfront before... she MIGHT have helped him out with the media coverage... but since he couldn't be... and considering he mostly just tried to get her to be his f*ckbuddy even though she told him in advance what she was looking for... ... then nope... go pound sand for being a jerk... Yep... OP... that's what I'd tell him... tell him that, had he decided to be more upfront with his goals, and had he had enough decency to walk away instead of trying to press for a f*ckbuddy/FWB thing... that you might have helped him... but since he had to be an *sshole and push to see what he could get away with.... inspite of what YOU are going through too... Then no.. tell him you don't help out *ssholes. Edited March 3, 2014 by RedRobin
oldshirt Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 IMHO, the minute she said she was looking for an exclusive relationship, he should have walked away, and told her, sorry we're not in the same place right now... good luck.... If men walked away from every woman who said she was looking for an exclusive relationship and women walked away from every man who said he wanted to keep things casual with no commitments in the early stages, there would be no second dates. That's something each couple has to explore work out together as they are getting to know each other and determining each of their goals, boundaries and comfort zones.
oldshirt Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 She told him what she was looking for... and he pushed, weaseled, manipulated, blah blah... . but I'll be damned if SHE needs to feel ashamed of the fact that HE is a lying *sshole. He called her up, told her he wanted to blindfold her and give her a massage. She showed up, had some drinks, walked into the bedroom, took her clothes off and they made out and felt each other up naked for over an hour. Tell me where he lied, pushed, weaseled etc. This was a 38 year old divorced woman here, not some 15 year old virgin. She knew darn well he was wanting to have an erotic encounter with her and she wanted to go there as well other wise she wouldn't have gone to his house, walked into his bedroom, took her clothes off, let him him oil up her body, oil up his body and make out with him for an hour. Yes he tried to have intercourse with her. If some gal is all oiled up with me naked in bed and getting it on for an hour, I am gonna be pretty dang aroused and want to finish the job too. This guy is a player. He was wanting to hav some fun and not be committed to some gal he had only had a couple dates with. Was he primarily interested the sexual aspects of it??? Absolutely he was! And he made his intentions clearly known. The fact you are leaving out here is SHE was very attracted to him and wanting to go there too! No where has she even suggested that she wasn't into him or not interested in the sexual aspects of the relationship. Her beef is that he wouldn't commit to her exclusively by the third date. She was wanting the sex, he just wasn't meeting her demands for exclusivity in the timeframe she was wanting it.
Author Mommame2 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 That's not completely true. I told him even before I met him that I wanted a long term relationship. I told him that was my goal. BEFORE we even met. He said he wanted that too. Then after we met... He asked when we could have sex. I told him (not in the moment) that I believe I'm only doing that when I'm in a solid exclusive relationship. He agreed. Then said since he was sooooo into me that he felt "all in" and wanted to give us the best shot ever. And that he takes exclusivity as a day to day thing with us since we are SO good together. So I know that I was putting myself out there but I felt safe that he knew where I stood. So sure im partially to blame. But...
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