OhThatGirl Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 This dude feels entitled, is after sex and is almost willing to tell you what you need to hear to make that happen. Why are you interested in someone so pushy who isn't interested in getting to know you or date you? Someone that plans a second meeting at a home? Someone that asks if he can come over when your kid is asleep? Someone that is willing to leave his kids, unattended, on what seems like the rare occurrence he gets to see them, to hook up? Look. You are recently divorced so maybe you don't recognize this guy is a first class sleazeball. Drop him. No respecting man will want to get physical so quickly (second date?!) and tell you he can't promise exclusivity and then say some BS like "I'm all yours baby." I threw up a little when I read that. It's just soooo sleazy. Ugh. On that point, why the hell are you letting him get so close to intercourse? Have some respect. Keep your clothes on until a man TELLS YOU AND SHOWS YOU that you're the only woman he is interested in unless you don't mind being one of many women getting banged and called 'baby.' At this rate all you're doing is leading him on. Ew. I seriously got grossed out by even reading that post. Please see you deserve better than that, regardless of his "success" in life. (Ps he's failing miserably at life if this is his routine) Keep your clothes on. Meet a gentleman or give it up and be a casual sex partner. Don't play both sides. 3
Leigh 87 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 He totally understood that you only wanted sex if you're exclusive. After you said it, he handed a cocktail to you at the door and asked to give you a massage. He wouldn't have stopped it if you ended up having sex. Therfore, he doesn't respect you or your boundaries. He knows how you feel about sex. He still tried to get sex anyway. He knew you would likely feel bad about it. He didn't care. You weren't classy in the way you just left; you shouldn't have fooled around with a guy who would have gladly taken it further (sex) even though you told him more than once that you didn't want sex until you were exclusive. Even worse, he lied to you about sleeping with you while only "meeting" new people. Don't think for a second that he wouldn't sleep with one of these women whilst he was supposedly "only sleeping with you" Wake up to yourself please. You are better than this. There are men who would want to be exclusive with you. Find one of them.
OhThatGirl Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 And yeah, he's likely to call you a prude. He's unhappy he didn't get casual sex. So what? You have standards. If that makes you a prude then embrace it. But seriously, next time don't go to a guys house so soon. Don't agree to a massage on the first few dates. You must be able to see you were being asked for sex and nothing else, right?
Author Mommame2 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 Thank you BOTH so much. Reading this helps me tremendously. Seriously. Strangers online but seriously helping me stay the course. Thank you. I just need to get angry... And for some reason I keep thinking it's my fault. I'm staying strong. He's in the Caribbean and texting me tonight. So I came here to avoid responding. When I told him we needed to move on and just call this what it is. He got really defensive and said "I didn't sleep with you for 3 days... This wasn't just physical. We talked and really got to know each other via text". Grrrr
Gaeta Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I agree entirely with what the other 2 posters said. I would like to add if you don't want sex before establishing exclusivity then don't get into hot and heavy make-out sessions. 1. You are sending mixed signals by doing that, you say you don't want sex but 2 minutes later you're naked in his bed. 2. A man can only hold it back for so long. You told him to stop right before penetration but one of these days you will meet someone that won't take no for an answer. 3. Be smart and use condoms!!!! The way you describe this scene he was going for intercourse without protection. 1
Author Mommame2 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 Yes that's true. And as he was trying to start he told me that he had vasectomy. I then said no no no... Can't do this. But he fully expected to push forward without condom. 1
Gaeta Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Yes that's true. And as he was trying to start he told me that he had vasectomy. I then said no no no... Can't do this. But he fully expected to push forward without condom. Don't ever have unprotected sex unless both you and the gentleman went for screening. I remember after I came out of a 15 year marriage I was very naive and knew nothing about std. It's a wild world out there, you need to be informed. If this man was ready to have unprotected sex with you be assured he's done it several times before he got to you.
Author Mommame2 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 I think what is most difficult is that he says that he wants to date me but he's just not ready for exclusive because he needs to know me better and gauge our "emotional intelligence". That just kills me because I consistently told him I didn't want to rush things because I felt like we had such great potential and I wanted to know him on all levels first. But instead now we have basically had sex and he says he can't be exclusive because he wants to know me better first. He said tonight... It's such a shame you are ending this because I felt like we were in a "transitionary period".
Gaeta Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I think what is most difficult is that he says that he wants to date me but he's just not ready for exclusive because he needs to know me better and gauge our "emotional intelligence". That just kills me because I consistently told him I didn't want to rush things because I felt like we had such great potential and I wanted to know him on all levels first. But instead now we have basically had sex and he says he can't be exclusive because he wants to know me better first. He said tonight... It's such a shame you are ending this because I felt like we were in a "transitionary period". You have lost nothing, his behavior indicated he was more into getting you in bed than anything else. He sounds full of BS, and BS well rehearsed. You remind me of myself after my divorced. I was new to dating and I had such a hard time identifying players. It takes a while but you'll get there.
OhThatGirl Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Please believe that his transitionary period was transitioning to sex. The main theme of your "dates" has been sex. If this is what you want (doesn't sound like it) then by all means, go for it. But if you want someone who wants to date you, take the time to know you, date you exclusively and be in a monogamous physical relationship you are not going to get that with him. The fact he had the nerve to say "I didn't sleep with you for 3 days, this isn't just physical" is hilarious. I would have laughed all the way to my car while simultaneously deleting his number. Red flags: first date ended with a kiss. Not saying this is bad but unless it was an earth shattering chemistry was right on target, I'm not kissing someone the first time I meet them. Second date (the next evening?!?!) was at a residence instead of a real date. That screams "we are going to get naked." He was also willing to leave young kids unsupervised to get together late at night? Booty call. ****ty father of the year award goes to this dude. And third "date" he hands you a drink the second you walk in the door and wants to give you a massage? What kind of date is that? It's as simple as "drink this, loosen up, take your clothes off." The fact this man was willing to have unprotected sex with you after such a SHORT amount of time is horrifying. Especially when he moves this fast and can't promise you he's exclusive. I don't sleep with a man until we are exclusive and have had STD screenings done and exchanged. Yes this may make me lame but it's better than the alternative. This guy is one for the books. Really truly. Lose his number. I know it's gotta be tough getting back out there after a marriage but let me tell ya.. The world isn't as progressive and amoral as you may believe. Let men try to impress you, let them be nervous, let yourself be nervous waiting for a call after a first date. Going to his house implies having sex is within the realm of possibilities. Trust that you are attractive enough to make creeps like this crawl out of the woodwork. Use it as an ego boost but give it no more attention. You can't polish that turd into something pretty. He's not in it for a relationship he's in it for sex. 3
OhThatGirl Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 One more thing. He doesn't know you well enough to stop dating other people but he knows you well enough to have unprotected sex? I really gotta hand it to this guy. This is great logic. Hahaha 2
Leigh 87 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Thank you BOTH so much. Reading this helps me tremendously. Seriously. Strangers online but seriously helping me stay the course. Thank you. I just need to get angry... And for some reason I keep thinking it's my fault. I'm staying strong. He's in the Caribbean and texting me tonight. So I came here to avoid responding. When I told him we needed to move on and just call this what it is. He got really defensive and said "I didn't sleep with you for 3 days... This wasn't just physical. We talked and really got to know each other via text". Grrrr It is all good I have made exactly the same mistakes. In fact, I have done a lot worse! I also came here and it seriously saved me a world of pain. I was just clueless as to what normal, respectable behaviour was! This website has seriously helped me so much! I can now pick out the guys who are genuinely into me, opposed to the clowns who "pretend" do be into me just to get sex:sick: You have nothing to feel bad about; you simply didn't see this guy for what he really was; a lying sleazebag. Next time, just remember; if a guy is really interested in you, he won't want to date around with other women. He won't be averse to the "exclusive" talk, and he won't baulk at the idea at committing to you. I am 27 and I have only just found a guy who truly appreciates me. It is hard to pick the men that are decent and who are also interested in you. Seriously. Some guys are good at lying. I have had at least two guys tell me that I am so "amazing" and " so attractive". They acted crazy about me. Turns out, they were only after sex and therefore they probably didn't actually like me all that much to begin with, yet pretended to get sex:sick: They disappeared. After telling me how much better I was than the other girls that they had previously dated. It is hard to tell when a guy likes you enough to only want to focus his energy on you. This guy can tell you how much he "likes you" until he is blue in the face. The fact is, he wants to date other women. He can't like you all that much at this stage. You seem really cool. You can take advice from people who have been in your position. I know I have been in your position, as have many of us who are now trying to warn you of the perils of just "believing" any guy who tells you how much he likes you. I know I sure didn't listen to peoples advice around here when it came to my ex. I wish I had. Just make sure a guy makes it very clear that he WANTS to be exclusive before sex. There are a lot of guys like that out there. They would NEVER just agree to sex if you had previously mentioned that you weren't comfortable with it. Some guys respect your feelings. Well done for listening to us. You are already ahead of this guy now. Wish him well, be civil, and let him find another girl who will sleep with him while he acts all " into them":sick:
Leigh 87 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 ohthatgirl - you made me laugh out loud. He wants to leave his kids alone to have a booty call... And he hands her a drink the second she walks in the door and then "pretends" to listen to her when she proclaims her aversion against " sex before exclusivity" Sigh. This guy is NO prize. The "lucky" girl he falls head over heels for and wants to be exclusive with is NOT a 'lucky girl" at all:sick: My bf would never try to have sex with a girl who had clearly TOLD him that she felt bad about having sex before exclusivity was established:sick: He is a good person. I urge you to find the same sort of guy....
oldshirt Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 OK ladies lets set the pitchforks and torches down for a second and take a little more objective look here. This isn't as dark and sinister as you are all making it out to be. sure this guy was looking for some kunnkachinka and yes he would have gladly dropped his drawers and gone there in the event she wanted to climb on. However lets not demonize him too bad here because from a guy's point of view there really was no foul here. Yes he was being assertive and seductive and trying to set things up in a manner that should she have wanted to go there, they could have. Yes he was interested in a primarily casual, no-strings situation. But I see nothing here that indicates that he was lying (in fact y'all seem to be more upset that he was upfront and told it like it was) pressuring or doing anything that she had said no to. Actions always speak louder than words. she went to his house, she took the drink, she took her clothes off and let him massage her body and get - and I quote.."Hot and heavy." Then when she stopped him from entering her, she continued to engage in sexual activity with him - and I quote, "...over an hour of messing around" unquote : Where in that minimum of one to two hour range of naked, oily, hot and heavy messing around would he not get the idea that she was interested in sexual activity????????????????????????????????????????????????? Now then when she did finally put on the brakes to discuss the exclusive relationship thing, they were sitting there naked as the day they were born, breathing heavy, hormones flowing, him with a hard on and he was still upfront and honest enough to say that he was not ready for an exclusive committed relationship. He didn't protest or change his tune as she got up, gathered up all her clothes scattered around the floor and left. He contacted her immediately after she left to see if she was ok and was still being honest with her but was compassionate enough to be concerned with her well being and doing what he could to ensure that he wasn't hurting her. He gave her assurance that he did enjoy her and did want to sleep with her but couldn't offer exclusivity and since she couldn't accept those terms he accepted her position and respected her choice. Where is the monster here?????? this was two separated adults starting to interact and get to know each other and trying to make some human contact and connection. They weren't on the same sheet of music in what they were looking for at this time and it didn't work out. That happens millions of times a day throughout the world. This was a near-miss but no foul. She is not a victim here and he is not big, hairy, drooling, knuckle-dragging beast with slobber dripping from his fangs. They both had a physical attraction and chemistry and she wanted more emotional commitment than what he was willing to offer at this time. They each stated their position. Their positions didn't match. They each went on about their business. Case closed. file that away into the Near-Miss folder and carry on. 2
oldshirt Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 ...... I also think I remember my mother telling my sister not to get undressed and in bed with a man if you aren't ready, willing and able to have sex with him. Yes, I think I remember that conversation taking place. Maybe I'm the prude one but I think that is sage advice. 2
BradJacobs Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 He makes it out that I'm a prude. Am I being unreasonable? I just need more feedback. I'm just very vulnerable right now. So most of the original contributors to your queries were in fact correct that he'd be back to asking for sex within a week? Why are you still talking to him? Is he the only guy showing interest or was it that you got so close to having sex that mentally you put all your eggs in one basket? Get out and see other people. Fill your dating well back up. Those with options don't put up with crap like you have.
TAV Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I just like to add that you should not feel too flattered about him approaching you, being successful and all. When I got divorced and people at work found out, I got the come on from all sorts of men; also men I would have classed as gentlemen when I was still married. Somehow they think because you are divorced you are gagging for it and ready for anything. As far as I know I did not have 'desperate' written all over my forehead but that seemed to be general consensus amongst the men I work with.
Author Mommame2 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 Thanks guys.... I haven't seen him since the encounter so to speak. He's been out of town but he was texting me. He asked me to come to his house for dinner and drinks on the day he returns. I just had to level with him and tell him that I lost trust in him because of the "miscommunication" over what "baby I'm all yours meant" and that I also didn't want to see someone who was still wanting to date other women. He said he understood. But he didn't consider this the end ... Just a break. I didn't respond. It Was hard for me. I liked him. And that's not good on my part .... Just seems all the red flags were there. Leaving his kids really was the moment I realized that he was really not a great role model. Here's something else that's weird. His FB page says he is single. He says they are signing the final decree. But his wife still posts on his FB page and she has pictures of him all over her FB page. I know his kids come to thE condo. That's not hidden. Also I know he lines up a date for a big party at his corporation. It just seems odd.
Gaeta Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 He asked me to come to his house for dinner and drinks on the day he returns. That's a booty call. Don't be naive. After everything that happened he should be inviting you out on a real date. I just had to level with him and tell him that I lost trust in him because of the "miscommunication" over what "baby I'm all yours meant" and that I also didn't want to see someone who was still wanting to date other women. You had to level him? Am I reading in between the lines here that you are considering seeing him again??? He said he understood. But he didn't consider this the end ... Just a break. Who cares what he thinks or what he wants. You make the call. How arrogant of him. How can you stand such a cocky personality! Also I know he lines up a date for a big party at his corporation. It just seems odd. He's playing the field. You are just one of the many transition girlfriend-date he'll use. Don't you smell the BS? I smell it all the way from here! I have no clue why you are still talking to this man!! The world is FULL of men! you are not gonna run out of them! NEXT.
Author Mommame2 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 No I'm not going to see him again. When I said I had to level with him... I meant I had to tell him it was Not gonna work. Of course that's where I'm still hung up internally. But I'm going to get over it. I'll be fine. I just have this girlfriend who keeps on me about trying to see him. I almost feel like SHE shouldn't be a friend anymore. Well... Last year she encouraged me to have an affair so I could get courage to leave my ex husband. Now she keeps telling me that I should pursue this guy ... And just have fun. But like I've said here... I don't compartmentalize sex. I get attached. Clearly ... And I think this guy would make things worse in the big picture.
BradJacobs Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 You had to level him? Am I reading in between the lines here that you are considering seeing him again??? Why wouldn't he keep trying? She's too weak to put her foot down and lay into him for deceiving her. She's too hung up on him to not see how she continues to make excuses for him. There was no misunderstanding on his part, only hers. She's too blind to see it or wants to act naive so that she can continue to play the role of the victim.
oldshirt Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 (edited) Am I being unreasonable? I just need more feedback. I'm just very vulnerable right now. If you mean are you being unreasonable for wanting an exclusive relationship before having sex, no you are being perfectly 100% reasonable. What you have been though is incongruent. Your mouth is saying one thing but your body is doing something completely different. If words and actions are saying two different things, believe the actions and disregard the words each and every time. Your mouth was telling him you don't want to have sex without an exclusive relationship in place but your body was making out with him and going to his house alone and taking it's clothes off and getting into bed and feeling each other up with massage oil and getting all hot and heavy for hours. Your body was wanting to have sex with him. Your mouth was saying it wanted him to not see other women. He was doing what your body was inviting him to do but he wasn't going to agree with what you mouth was asking him to do. This guys a bit of a player but players are fun and intriquing. When a handsome, charming, successful man starts to charm and seduce you, it is stimulating and strokes the ego and makes you feel good. however if a solid, legitimate relationship is your end-goal then playing footsies with a player is just burning daylight (or moonlight in this case) and is setting you up to get hurt. this guys a player but he's being straight with you. His words and his actions are congruent. He's not scamming you or manipulating you, pressuring you or trying to pull anything over on you. What you see here is what you get. When guys tell you that they do not want to enter any kind of exclusive commitment at this time, please please please believe them. YOU are the one that has been giving mixed messages and setting things up for misunderstanding, confusion and bent feelings. If you had a teenage daughter that was starting to get hormones and starting to date, what would you tell her about going into a man's bedroom and taking her clothes off and touching each other but wanting to wait until an exclusive relationship before sex??? just because you are an adult and have kids of your own doesn't mean that you have any more control over your feelings or how your body responds to an attractive man's advances any more than a teenage girl. This guy is still playing you because your body was responding to him. the fact you gathered up your clothes and left was a big message. Your words may be saying it's over but how your body responds will determine what message he believes. if your body keeps answering the phone and talking to him, there's still a chance in his mind. Once it stops responding all together, he'll stop calling. Edited March 2, 2014 by oldshirt 2
oldshirt Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I just need to get angry... And for some reason I keep thinking it's my fault. No need for anger. He didn't do anything wrong. ...And "fault" is a little strong but your actions did in part lead to what you are feeling as "confusion" here. As I said above, your words and your actions were incongruent. Your mouth was wanting him to commit to not seeing other women before you had sex but your body was screaming, "DO ME NOW!!" He was probably feeling a little manipulated and pressured on his end. He was the one getting mixed messages.
Author Mommame2 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 Yes I agree. But we has the exclusive talk the day before and he said he thought of it as a day to day decision because he was so into me. And I said we will know when the time is right ... THEN he says "baby I'm all yours" and I thought that meant he was ready to just be with me. I got quite the wake up call.
HappyLove Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 "I just have this girlfriend who keeps on me about trying to see him. I almost feel like SHE shouldn't be a friend anymore. Well... Last year she encouraged me to have an affair so I could get courage to leave my ex husband." What kind of "friend" is this? Stop listening to this crazy persons advice RIGHT NOW!
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