Exclusive dating vs Sex? [update]

[MidwestUSA]

So would it be horrible if I went off on this guy? Would I be the psycho chick if I told him that it was pretty obvious What's at play? I don't want to be psycho but I'm really angry and want him to know.

Please don't be that psycho chick! Look, the way this played out, you had a little bit to do with it - putting yourself in the position of being at his home so soon. He did what guys do under those circumstances.

 

 

Go silent on him. You'll feel foolish and give him some satisfaction (validating his ego) if you go off on him.

[Mommame2]

Ok. What about FB. That's how we met? He friended me and then DMessaged me. Would I look bad if I blocked him?

[MidwestUSA]

Ok. What about FB. That's how we met? He friended me and then DMessaged me. Would I look bad if I blocked him?

Is there a difference between unfriending and blocking? I mean, are you looking for something he'll NOTICE? (For your own satisfaction?)

 

 

Sure, just unfriend him. Keeping the friends list tidy, that's all you're doing.

[RedRobin]

'unfriend' him... ignore him... he did his best to make you one of his f-buddies and hopefully you aren't biting.

 

 

He may have money but he has zero class... *I* wouldn't want to be associated with someone like that.

[RedRobin]

Look, plenty of guys are smitten and really into a girl right from the start. it is not some unusual phenomenon.

Plenty of people feel sparks and plenty of men do truly meet a select few girls with whom they go nuts over.

 

 

If they are that nuts, then they can wait and prove it with more than words.

 

I am not stupid, I have studied a lot of relationships and I have personally found a guy who was really into me from date one, and who has turned out to be a decent guy who isn't into sleeping around, FWB's or the like.

 

 

great, and if I slept with enough men I felt an instant 'spark' with, I imagine that I'd eventually hit the lottery. Thing is, I'm not so sure it would be the kind of guy who could keep a commitment. Nor should he trust ME if I'm having all kinds of sparks with strangers. That's not reality.

 

It is not necessary to try to date people with whom you have no chemistry or spark with because you assume that the people you are "into" on the first date, never lasts.

.

I never said that. I just don't sleep with anyone soon. No matter how much I may or may not be into them early on. My hormones don't rule my life and I'm not here like the OP wondering if a guy is into me for just sex.

 

You seem to think you start off as friends, and "grow" over time to develop romantic feelings, you don't seem to believe in the terms "madly in love". Well, some couples are and it happens rather fast for many, opposed to falling in love over a period of 6 plus months.

 

 

I never said that. Not sure where you get the 6 months thing. I don't sleep with strangers and cross my fingers it means something. My parents feel in love rather quickly. They didn't jump in bed on the first few dates and they are still married 50 years later.

 

Some couples a truly "head over heels" from date one and remain that way. They are not "meh" , unexcited or indifferent about their partners initially. They do not have to "grow" to be really into them. They just are. And yes a lot of people don't know each other and hence the relationship doesn't necessarily work out just because of an initial effortlessly passionate union.

 

 

You seem to confuse passion and discretion. It is possible to have both. In fact, if you want someone who is capable of maintaining a commitment for more than a little while, then both are necessary... but it is the discretion and discipline that gives them a better chance of riding out the inevitable lulls in an otherwise healthy relationship.

 

By the way; the OP should absolutely NOT hold out ANY hope that she is somehow the "exception" to the rule for this guy. She isn't the woman who will "change" him.

 

 

Good. Glad you agree.

 

My friends ex player of a boyfriend, she never tried to tame him; he did it immediately upon meeting her.

. Ooo! Lucky her! (not)

 

He wasn't a player, he slept around;

 

 

No difference in my book.

 

 

he NEVER led girls on, he was upfront from the very nigh they had sex with those girls... he never alluded to a relationship and in fact, he told them ALL before sex that "he didn't want a relationship with them".

 

He was considerate of these women's feelings.

 

 

uh huh. That's what they all say.

 

He is honestly nuts about my friend and she didn't do a thing to try to change him. HE came to her...

.

 

 

Big deal. He's still no prize.

[Mommame2]

So how long is reasonable to wait before having sex with a guy?

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

So how long is reasonable to wait before having sex with a guy?

 

I don't believe you can put a time frame on sex. You do it when it feels right, and you don't confuse it or use it to guarantee anything - relationships, commitment, whatever.

 

I have sex with a man because I want to and for no other reason. Relationships and expectations should be spelled out before hand, and if it's not what you want to hear, then you have to make the decision whether or not you want to be physical. The key is to know EXACTLY what YOU want and not sway from that.

 

I had sex with my guy on the 2nd date. I initiated it. Got us a room and everything. From the first time we made contact, to the first date, and everything after, I was blown away. But I am one of those that wants the entire package - an emotional AND physical connection. So I had to know sooner than later that we were a sexual match as well. It was incredible. We are still together and he thinks I am the most amazing woman. 2.5 months in he was already talking forever. It is just that good.

 

My thoughts are, if a man is TRULY into you and all ducks are in line, then you won't feel the need to 2nd guess.

[snowflakes88]

Wait, am I correctly reading that he only has his children every other weekend -- i.e., twice a month? And on one of his two monthly visits, he was planning to leave them home alone to come hook up with you?

 

What a prize.

[Phantom888]

I don't believe you can put a time frame on sex. You do it when it feels right, and you don't confuse it or use it to guarantee anything - relationships, commitment, whatever.

 

I had sex with my guy on the 2nd date. I initiated it. Got us a room and everything. From the first time we made contact, to the first date, and everything after, I was blown away. But I am one of those that wants the entire package - an emotional AND physical connection. So I had to know sooner than later that we were a sexual match as well. It was incredible. We are still together and he thinks I am the most amazing woman. 2.5 months in he was already talking forever. It is just that good.

 

My thoughts are, if a man is TRULY into you and all ducks are in line, then you won't feel the need to 2nd guess.

 

Wow, I totally agree. You have to be on the same page before sex happens, so no surprises or confusion. My fiancee and I had sex on our 2nd date as well, and she initiated also! We knew we were compatible before our 1st date, but she really wanted to know for sure. Before we went to her place, she asked about my recent tests and if she should be concerned. Check. I told her I only have sex in an exclusive relationship, so sex tonight would mean that we are officially in an exclusive relationship. Check. We came to an understanding, and had 3 hours of awesome first-time sex. We were inseparable after that.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Wow, I totally agree. You have to be on the same page before sex happens, so no surprises or confusion. My fiancee and I had sex on our 2nd date as well, and she initiated also! We knew we were compatible before our 1st date, but she really wanted to know for sure. Before we went to her place, she asked about my recent tests and if she should be concerned. Check. I told her I only have sex in an exclusive relationship, so sex tonight would mean that we are officially in an exclusive relationship. Check. We came to an understanding, and had 3 hours of awesome first-time sex. We were inseparable after that.

 

Our stories are so similar, Phantom! Guess where I met my guy? Yep, online too, and have never felt anything so real and complete. Congratulations again on your engagement!

[Mommame2]

Yes you are correct....he only sees them every other weekend. And he wanted to leave them at 9 (after they fell asleep) to come meet me. they are 4, 5 and 12. He also has a 16 year old who was not there.

 

 

He asked if he could come over after my 8 year old fell asleep...so we could "cuddle"... I said no...I wasn't prepared for any surprises at this point...with my son. So he also started calling his sitter to see if she could come sit for MY son....since I wouldn't let him come over.

[KatZee]

Yes you are correct....he only sees them every other weekend. And he wanted to leave them at 9 (after they fell asleep) to come meet me. they are 4, 5 and 12. He also has a 16 year old who was not there.

 

 

He asked if he could come over after my 8 year old fell asleep...so we could "cuddle"... I said no...I wasn't prepared for any surprises at this point...with my son. So he also started calling his sitter to see if she could come sit for MY son....since I wouldn't let him come over.

 

Honestly, this guy sounds like a creep. You've barely known him and he's already professing all this stuff to you, willing to leave his kids alone to come see you, trying to get you a sitter so he can come home over to have sex with you.

 

This guy couldn't behave any more desperate to get laid if he tried. But honestly, I can see why he's trying this hard. He half has it in the bag already. All he has to do is whisper a few more sweet nothings and he thinks you'll cave.

 

He's not going to commit to you (ever). He's not all that concerned with getting to know you (really. How much can you and he know after a couple weeks?) He just wants to get it in, have some fun, and he'll eventually pull a fade or just tell you it's not working.

 

I wouldn't even talk to this guy again. If you're looking for a quality man, someone who wants to be serious, someone REAL? Look elsewhere.

[Mommame2]

Yeah and as I posted in another thread , things got weird yesterday. He came back to me and said he wants to keep sleeping me and that the commitment part was possible .... Meaning he wanted to see me, date me, sleep with me exclusively. However since this is so new that he also wants the freedom to go on dates with other people. But that if he wanted to pursue something with them intimately he would tell me first.

 

I just don't know wtf... First he wants back to the exclusive. But it's not quite exclusive... But he thinks in time it would grow to us not dating others etc.

 

He says us telling the world we are dating feels like an engagement to him. And that scares him right now....

 

But he thinks what we have is rare and we are off to a great start?!

[Emilia]

Yeah and as I posted in another thread , things got weird yesterday. He came back to me and said he wants to keep sleeping me and that the commitment part was possible .... Meaning he wanted to see me, date me, sleep with me exclusively. However since this is so new that he also wants the freedom to go on dates with other people. But that if he wanted to pursue something with them intimately he would tell me first.

 

I just don't know wtf... First he wants back to the exclusive. But it's not quite exclusive... But he thinks in time it would grow to us not dating others etc.

 

He says us telling the world we are dating feels like an engagement to him. And that scares him right now....

 

But he thinks what we have is rare and we are off to a great start?!

It's like you are not reading what people are telling you. He is lying to you to get sex out of you. He will then move on to someone else.

[Mommame2]

Yes I see that... But my girlfriends keep saying maybe I need to loosen up and have fun. To just let it go with the flow...that I'm too uptight.

 

I was raised catholic. So just the idea of sleeping with someone is a stretch. The idea of sleeping with someone who does not want to only date me ... Is not normal for me.

 

I guess what I'm asking here is am I asking too much to have a guy who only wants me?

[MidwestUSA]

Yes I see that... But my girlfriends keep saying maybe I need to loosen up and have fun. To just let it go with the flow...that I'm too uptight.

 

I was raised catholic. So just the idea of sleeping with someone is a stretch. The idea of sleeping with someone who does not want to only date me ... Is not normal for me.

 

I guess what I'm asking here is am I asking too much to have a guy who only wants me?

 

No, it's not. But this guy ISN'T IT!

 

You have two choices, listen to your girlfriends and practice safe, casual sex. Or, get this AMAZING guy out of your mind and stay true to your beliefs.

 

Why the rush? I understand his; he wants to get laid. You're both so newly single, enjoy it!

[Emilia]

Yes I see that... But my girlfriends keep saying maybe I need to loosen up and have fun. To just let it go with the flow...that I'm too uptight.

 

I was raised catholic. So just the idea of sleeping with someone is a stretch. The idea of sleeping with someone who does not want to only date me ... Is not normal for me.

 

I guess what I'm asking here is am I asking too much to have a guy who only wants me?

NO!!!!!!!!!!

 

Your friends are wrong. To be honest they don't sound all that smart. They are trying to talk you into something you don't want.

[peanutgallery]

It's all just messy I suppose. I need to find a way to break from all this in my head.

 

Since I basically slept with the guy already I feel something. ... Guilt? Attraction ? It's just not normal for me.

 

When I Told him that I just wanted to focus my energy on one petal and my time is valuable and if I have free time I want to focus on him (if we were dating) and that would be the best way to see if things would work.

 

I told him I don't think the idea of sleeping with all the candidates on the bachelor reality show... Is my idea of getting to know someone.

 

He said he understood. That he wouldn't sleep around. But he couldn't promise not to try to get to know people he has met .. More .. While dating and sleeping with me. That to him ...is like being "engaged".

 

This was my favorite. "Maybe we moved too fast". Umm yeah! Since that was my whole point about NOT sleeping together until we were exclusive and he lied to me in the moment and said "I want you to know I'm all yours" and then said I took it wrong. He just meant his body was all mine at that time and place.

 

Guilt.

[MidwestUSA]

It's all just messy I suppose. I need to find a way to break from all this in my head.

 

Since I basically slept with the guy already I feel something. ... Guilt? Attraction ? It's just not normal for me.

 

When I Told him that I just wanted to focus my energy on one petal and my time is valuable and if I have free time I want to focus on him (if we were dating) and that would be the best way to see if things would work.

 

I told him I don't think the idea of sleeping with all the candidates on the bachelor reality show... Is my idea of getting to know someone.

 

He said he understood. That he wouldn't sleep around. But he couldn't promise not to try to get to know people he has met .. More .. While dating and sleeping with me. That to him ...is like being "engaged".

 

This was my favorite. "Maybe we moved too fast". Umm yeah! Since that was my whole point about NOT sleeping together until we were exclusive and he lied to me in the moment and said "I want you to know I'm all yours" and then said I took it wrong. He just meant his body was all mine at that time and place.

 

Guilt.

 

Now I'm confused. Are you OP?

[peanutgallery]

Sorry I copied over her other post from pther thread and it didn't end up showing my comment.

 

 

My comment is stay away from this loser!!!!

 

Now I'm confused. Are you OP?

[snowflakes88]

I'm sorry, but you would be a complete idiot to continue with this man. It could not be more clear that he's only looking for sex. And I'm not even a mother, but the fact that he only gets his kids twice a month and was ready to ditch them to try to get some quick sex is completely disgusting. How that was not a total turnoff to you -- as a parent, if nothing else -- is really mind-boggling.

 

I agree with whoever it was who said you seem very desperate. I understand wanting to date, but come on.

[Mommame2]

Yeah that was definitely concerning ... And I told him as a mom myself... I wasn't comfortable with that.

 

He appears in pictures to be a good dad. But I don't know... If my ex only had our son 2 times a month and I found out he left a 12 year old to care for his 4 and 5 year old brothers while he went to MY house to "hang out" at bedtime ... I wouldn't be okay. In fact couldn't he get into trouble with CPS?!

[snowflakes88]

The fact that he only gets them twice a month is concerning in the first place -- it should be, anyway. Either there's a good reason the court saw fit for him to get so little time (concerning), or it's the arrangement he wanted (concerning).

[Leigh 87]

Step one: stop contacting him. When he reaches out, say a simple sorry, we want different things, it was nice meeting you. Please don't contact me again.

 

Then block his number, email and all social media outlets.

 

 

Step 2: stop writing threads about him. Don't write a single thing about him from now on... simply block him from your life .

 

 

 

Step 3: get professional help. It has helped me a lot. I once clung onto guys who were not interested in me too. So now I'm in therapy to help increase my self esteem.

 

 

I now only bother dating men who are clearly into me and who show it in all of their actions.

 

Your problem is that you don't really know what actions a man ks supposed to show when he is into you. You make excuses for their clear signs of disinterest.

 

 

Him saying that he wants to date others is a clear sign that he was never really that into you. Guys stop dating other women once they find a girl that they REALLY like.

 

 

 

This guy will likely string you and others along until he finds a girl he's really into. He'll date her.

 

 

He's no prize though. Don't envy the girl he truly does want to be with once he finds her.

[Mommame2]

I posted here before and need some reassurance.

 

I am just out of divorce and a VeRY successful man messages me on FB. I told him I wasn't ready to date (when he asked me out ) but after our texts kept intensifying and we hit it off so well .... I agreed to go to coffee with him. Well that turned into a drink after work.

 

Anyway convo was great. He walked me out and kissed me. Told me he wanted to see me again. He invited me to his place the following night. He originally asked if he could come to my house after my 8 year old son fell asleep. I told him no that wouldn't work. So I went to his place. We got hot and heavy. But I made it clear to him that for me sex was only for those in an exclusive relationship. He said "I agree. Part of me wants to take exclusivity slow and deliberate and another part wants to jump all in". I told him I understood. His decree isn't even signed yet. He had 4 kids. 4 5 12 and 16. He only has the every other weekend. He ended up inviting me to a friends condo after the kids fell asleep. 16 yr old wasn't there. But said 12 yr old could watch his brothers. I said no. That I wasn't comfortable with that.

 

So on the third time seeing him he says he wants to give me massage. Blindfold and all. He seduces me. Handed me a cocktail at the door. So he and I get hot and heavy and he tried to enter me. I say no we can't. He said ok. Then after over an hour of messing around he says "baby I'm all yours". And then initiated again. I say are you sure it's ok? He says yes. Well something told me it wasn't. I stopped him. And then I tell him if this is what's gonna happen I don't want to share him going forward. He says he can't promise that. That being exclusive is like "purgatory". I had to go back to work anyway so I slowly and with class gather my things and tell him I had to get going.

 

He started texting after I left. He wanted to make sure I was ok. I told him I was upset that he lied to me to get me to have sex with him. He said "I'm all yours" was just about his body during that hour and I misunderstood.

 

I told him I want to be exclusive with the person I sleep with. He said he understood. But since we don't know each other that well he couldn't promise me that.

 

He said he could promise to be with me and sleep with me. But still wanted to date other women too. I said I couldn't do that.

 

So we stopped talking now. He makes it out that I'm a prude.

 

Am I being unreasonable? I just need more feedback. I'm just very vulnerable right now.