Exclusive dating vs Sex? [update]

[veggirl]

Honestly OP, reading through this thread...you seem desperate. Desperate for love and attention. That's typically the case with people who jump in feet first without a second thought to "who is this person really?"

 

To me it sounds like you shouldn't be dating at all at the moment.

 

You should not need to have serious discussions about boundaries and the future after only 2 weeks. You act like you guys have been dating in a serious relationship for months.

 

I think you could sub any smooth-talker in for this guy and you'd feel the same "connection", you could sub in any guy who will text you all day (for what, 2 days? now he doesn't have time?), any guy who will tell you to look in his eyes.

 

lol this guy wants to take his sweet time making an "emotional connection" or whatever but has no problem jumping into the physical connection

[Silver93]

lol this guy wants to take his sweet time making an "emotional connection" or whatever but has no problem jumping into the physical connection

 

Thats what I don't get. While I think the emotional connection is more important, I think the physical connection is a bigger issue. I can't see how someone can expect to sleep with someone without having a really strong emotional connection. I feel sorry for the OP, she deserves better.

[Mommame2]

Well I talked to him tonight. We had dinner. You are right. He seemed far less attractive to me when I am seeing him from this light.

 

I told him that I don't want to do this unless he only wants to see me. I said I wasn't feeling that way before yesterday drama but that I feel that way now considering the miscommunication.

 

He said that he's scared of commitment after getting out of a long marriage but that he doesn't want me out of his life either.

 

He said that he would like to just date without sex to see how things go. I said that I could agree to that.

 

So that's where we ended things tonight. We are supposed to hang out tomorrow possibly. He wants to get to know me better... In the emotional and intellectual levels...

 

Eye roll.

 

I'm pretty frustrated. But I feel strong. I made my points and set my boundaries.

[BradJacobs]

I'm pretty frustrated. But I feel strong. I made my points and set my boundaries.

Your desperation knows no bounds.

 

The over/under on him testing those boundaries is about four days.

 

The longer you delay sleeping with him the more frustrated he's going to become until he stops talking with you.

[somedude81]

Well I talked to him tonight. We had dinner. You are right. He seemed far less attractive to me when I am seeing him from this light.

 

I told him that I don't want to do this unless he only wants to see me. I said I wasn't feeling that way before yesterday drama but that I feel that way now considering the miscommunication.

 

He said that he's scared of commitment after getting out of a long marriage but that he doesn't want me out of his life either.

 

He said that he would like to just date without sex to see how things go. I said that I could agree to that.

 

So that's where we ended things tonight. We are supposed to hang out tomorrow possibly. He wants to get to know me better... In the emotional and intellectual levels...

 

Eye roll.

 

I'm pretty frustrated. But I feel strong. I made my points and set my boundaries.

Do you think you'll have sex tomorrow?

[Mommame2]

Well...I must admit that I used this dinner as my way of trying to get some internal closure. I didn't find him all that attractive and I needed that ....I needed him to be arrogant...which he sort of was...

 

 

So, no, this will be the end of the road. I will cancel the plans tomorrow...and he goes out of town on Tuesday. I think it will be easier that way.

 

 

But, it will be hard to avoid his text messages.

 

 

Knowing that he said he was "Scared" of committing again...that's the writing on the wall. It will NEVER work...if he's telling me in the second week and we've already had this drama.

 

 

Right? Help me feel better about this... please tell me I will find someone better....I've had very bad luck.

[RedRobin]

Knowing that he said he was "Scared" of committing again...that's the writing on the wall. It will NEVER work...if he's telling me in the second week and we've already had this drama.

 

 

Right? Help me feel better about this... please tell me I will find someone better....I've had very bad luck.

 

 

Yes. RIGHT.

 

 

I guarantee you will find someone better than this guy. First step is to avoid those who are on the fence about commitment if that is what you are looking for.

 

 

If you were looking for someone to buy your house, would you give it to those who just want to rent for awhile or crash on your couch for the night? No, you wouldn't.

 

 

Yes, it takes a lot longer to find a serious 'buyer', but that is how it should be. It's not bad 'luck' to have to weed people out. It's part of the process.

[pyramid]

Right? Help me feel better about this... please tell me I will find someone better....I've had very bad luck.

 

ABSOLUTELY you will. I could tell you some dating stories that would curl your hair.

 

The common theme among my girlfriends is that it takes a year and a half of solid dating effort to find someone great. It took me 19 months to find, but I'm currently in the healthiest relationship of my life.

 

I was married for 7 years and single for about 6 before I was ready to date seriously. I had a lot to learn, and experienced so much personal growth through that year and a half of dating. I feel like I went through all the dating stereotypes... the awkward first relationship/post-divorce sex, the rich boy, the sexy blue collar guy, the sex expert, the commitment-phobe, the foreigner, the younger man, the blast-from-the-past, the one-night stand. So many experiences that weren't always fun, but were good life lessons.

 

Chalk this up to a learning experience (don't go to someone's house if you aren't planning to have sex!!!! ever!) and tell him you enjoyed meeting him but it's not working for you. I cringed every time I did this but it gets easier. Block his number and move on. He doesn't deserve you!

[Leigh 87]

That is my point. If you do not like her then you don't go out with her again.

This guy has said he likes the girl but he doesn't want to commit. I think if you like them you should commit.

 

 

 

If he was nuts about her he would commit.

 

If another girl who he liked enough asked him, he would say yes.

 

Most men who say they aren't ready for commitment would absolutely commit to the right woman.

[Mommame2]

At what point will this get easier? Maybe I need therapy. I feel compelled to contact him ...I think I'm just feeling sad and deflated.

 

Even if I were to keep seeing him ... And we had fun... I'm guessing he would not commit. He is just in that phase ... And wanting to meet anyone and everyone.

 

Am I being ridiculous in wanting him to just focus on me? I guess I just feel very sad that I'm not worth that to him.

[Leigh 87]

At what point will this get easier? Maybe I need therapy. I feel compelled to contact him ...I think I'm just feeling sad and deflated.

 

Even if I were to keep seeing him ... And we had fun... I'm guessing he would not commit. He is just in that phase ... And wanting to meet anyone and everyone.

 

Am I being ridiculous in wanting him to just focus on me? I guess I just feel very sad that I'm not worth that to him.

 

 

 

You are totally NOT being ridiculous in wanting him to only focus on you!

 

I personally don't date men who feel the need to multi date once they meet me. I prefer a man to feel an instant spark with me, and for them to be TOO into me to WANT to focus on other women.

 

I won't accept less than a guy who is fairly smitten with me after date one.

There are guys out there who will go on a mere one date with you, and then think : "wow, I am really feeling it with her, I need to see this through/explore what happens between us before I focus on another woman".

You sound like the type of woman who, once she likes a guy, she simply doesn't have eyes for anyone else.

It doesn't take that long for a lot of people to figure out if they are really into someone, and like THEM above most other options around them.

 

I would personally advise you to shoot for the BEST scenario, versus the usual, every day scenario in dating: let me explain........

Most people in the USA who are not ultra conservative or of a certain minority culture or religion, will multi date.

Most people in the USA meet one person, think "meh, she is super nice" but they still feel the need to explore other options before choosing who they "like the most".

 

^^^this is a one way ticket to mediocrity. People who "grow" to love their partners slowly, rather than falling madly in love with them.

Most people don't tend to wait for "the one" who will really knock their socks off. It happens it is not a thing of fairy tales.

Personally, I have witnessed people meet "the one" person where they were like "wow" and a switch simply flipped off; they could not seriously focus on more than this one person from date one.

THAT ^^^^^ is the instant chemistry, spark and it factor that makes for a passionate romance, in combination with long term compatibility.

 

Many people thin my belief system is wrong, and that is cool.... but I think it is very feasible to wait around for a person who knocks your socks off, and who feels that way about you from day one.

Personally, I want to stick out from all the other women my man sees all around him. I don't want him to have to date other people just to figure out who he likes best:sick:

I would rather it be evident from date one that there is something about me that makes him think of me a lot/want to see me again/get excited about me.

 

OP, this is simply how I do things, it is not the ideal way for everyone. A lot of posters on here would recommend that it is only 2 weeks, date other people, don't get caught up in him until you have dated other people for a couple of months.

If you like, date others. Let him do the same. Tell him no sex will be involved, and that you will keep dating him as well as other men and he is free to do the same with women.

Personally I think your feelings are already too strong for this guy for you to be comfortable with him dating and likely sleeping with other women, after you have an "amazing" date with him, by your account.. (yet it is not "amazing" enough of a date for HIM to want to only focus on YOU.. how crappy does that make you feel!)

 

You need to cut him loose, he isn't all that smitten with you and he is honestly pretending to like you a lot just to get sex. He may like you somewhat, but not that much.

If this guy was truly into you for more than just sex, he would not have flipped about the exclusivity discussion.

The fact he is lying in itself is bad. It is okay, this has happened to me! Two or 3 guys I know of pretending to be REALLY interested in me. They told me I was super hot, they acted like they were SOOO attracted to me and they all said they loved my personality and were interested in me for more than just sex.

Two of them disappeared. Guys OFTEN pretend to really like you just to get sex off you, because they are too mean and nasty as people to bother going to a club and picking up, since they know most decent girls won't sleep around without commitment.

So they trick " sexually conservative" women into THINKING they want a relationship with them just to get sex, instead of being honest about it OR going and getting sex from a girl who IS up for casual.

 

I am not saying he DOESN'T like you much at all! He simply isn't "really into you" the way that he is trying to convince you of:sick: If he WAS truly into you he would take you OFF the dating market and make you his! (this is not akin with marriage babies and all that jazz, it is just the strong feeling men have of wanting to "snap a girl up" once they are really into her.

Men that are really into you tend to want to "snap you up" as they fear losing you to another man you could be dating. It doesn't mean they want a full blown relationship but they know well enough to take that possibility away from other men....

 

Two weeks is too soon to put all your eggs in one basket, granted.

 

However, you seem like the type of girl who has a good sense of whether or not she really likes a guy within the 2 week mark. You don't wish to explore other options once you really like a guy...this guy doesn't feel the same way towards you, and therefore you are on different wavelengths.

[RedRobin]

At what point will this get easier? Maybe I need therapy. I feel compelled to contact him ...I think I'm just feeling sad and deflated.

 

Even if I were to keep seeing him ... And we had fun... I'm guessing he would not commit. He is just in that phase ... And wanting to meet anyone and everyone.

 

Am I being ridiculous in wanting him to just focus on me? I guess I just feel very sad that I'm not worth that to him.

 

 

In all due respect, you might need therapy if you put guys like this who try to deceive you or manipulate you on a pedestal.

 

 

... you have no idea if this is a phase for him or the beginning of a whole different, uncommittal life. You shouldn't care. The idea with dating is that you find someone you are compatible with... and he is not compatible with you... you both have different goals. This has nothing to do with you personally. How could it? You are strangers.

 

 

Not only that, he's already proved he will say just about anything in the moment to get what he wants, but without backing it up.. AND without remorse. You've already proven that your personal boundaries are compromised since you don't care enough to walk away.

 

 

This is a recipe for disaster... and you are in for a world of hurt if you keep signing up for this with people you just met and hardly know.

 

 

... anyway, I'm starting to feel like that person trying to talk the alcoholic into handing over their car keys instead of driving home drunk...

Edited February 25, 2014 by RedRobin

[kaylan]

If he was nuts about her he would commit.

 

If another girl who he liked enough asked him, he would say yes.

 

Most men who say they aren't ready for commitment would absolutely commit to the right woman.

Dunno if I agree with the last bit. Sometimes people just arent in the right place in their life, and meeting an awesome girl may not change that. I know right now Im just not in the place in my life where I could be in a relationship. I definitely have to get so many other things in order first.

 

A girl could be right for me but it still be bad timing. Sometimes I feel that way about my ex. But you did say most men, so I guess Im not most =P

[Leigh 87]

Dunno if I agree with the last bit. Sometimes people just arent in the right place in their life, and meeting an awesome girl may not change that. I know right now Im just not in the place in my life where I could be in a relationship. I definitely have to get so many other things in order first.

 

A girl could be right for me but it still be bad timing. Sometimes I feel that way about my ex. But you did say most men, so I guess Im not most =P

 

 

 

I agree for the most part.

 

There are those rare few women that you would be too smitten with to pass up. ..

 

And of course they would be very compatible and understand your life stage.

 

There are women out there who you would commit to....

[RedRobin]

I agree for the most part.

 

There are those rare few women that you would be too smitten with to pass up. ..

 

And of course they would be very compatible and understand your life stage.

 

There are women out there who you would commit to....

 

 

No offense, but I feel this advice isn't helpful for people looking for a relationship.

 

 

What you are talking about are hormones... and nothing to do with real compatibility.

 

 

That might suffice when you are in your 20's and have nothing else to go on besides hormones, but people looking for a serious relationship are well-advised not to pin their hopes on those who state up front that they aren't ready for a relationship... no matter how strong their so-called 'connection' is.

 

 

 

Attitudes like this keep false hopes afloat and puts people like the OP in precarious positions, or in a state of upset when an uncommittal guy won't commit to them... instead of just walking away. They keep hoping that the guy will be 'smitten' or whatever.... or they believe it has something to do with them or their worth...rather than just decide that the person is incompatible because they have different goals from the get-go.

 

 

Just because you have a one-off story about some player dude who decided to be monogamous for a change... doesn't mean anything. Not to mention, why should any woman compete for some player anyway? yuck.

 

 

Also, this kind of thing is what lots of guys will try to pitch in order to get NSA sex. That they 'just haven't met the right girl'... and maybe SHE is the one who will make him commit. It's really rather caustic and harmful to those who are looking for a relationship.

 

 

I get it that others are more go with the flow though. That is a different approach, and shouldn't be confused with love at first sight kind of thing. Which I really don't believe happens with mature, emotionally healthy people.

[Leigh 87]

No offense, but I feel this advice isn't helpful for people looking for a relationship.

 

 

What you are talking about are hormones... and nothing to do with real compatibility.

 

 

That might suffice when you are in your 20's and have nothing else to go on besides hormones, but people looking for a serious relationship are well-advised not to pin their hopes on those who state up front that they aren't ready for a relationship... no matter how strong their so-called 'connection' is.

 

 

 

Attitudes like this keep false hopes afloat and puts people like the OP in precarious positions, or in a state of upset when an uncommittal guy won't commit to them... instead of just walking away. They keep hoping that the guy will be 'smitten' or whatever.... or they believe it has something to do with them or their worth...rather than just decide that the person is incompatible because they have different goals from the get-go.

 

 

Just because you have a one-off story about some player dude who decided to be monogamous for a change... doesn't mean anything. Not to mention, why should any woman compete for some player anyway? yuck.

 

 

Also, this kind of thing is what lots of guys will try to pitch in order to get NSA sex. That they 'just haven't met the right girl'... and maybe SHE is the one who will make him commit. It's really rather caustic and harmful to those who are looking for a relationship.

 

 

I get it that others are more go with the flow though. That is a different approach, and shouldn't be confused with love at first sight kind of thing. Which I really don't believe happens with mature, emotionally healthy people.

 

 

 

 

Look, plenty of guys are smitten and really into a girl right from the start. it is not some unusual phenomenon.

Plenty of people feel sparks and plenty of men do truly meet a select few girls with whom they go nuts over.

 

I am not stupid, I have studied a lot of relationships and I have personally found a guy who was really into me from date one, and who has turned out to be a decent guy who isn't into sleeping around, FWB's or the like.

 

It is not necessary to try to date people with whom you have no chemistry or spark with because you assume that the people you are "into" on the first date, never lasts.

You seem to think you start off as friends, and "grow" over time to develop romantic feelings, you don't seem to believe in the terms "madly in love". Well, some couples are and it happens rather fast for many, opposed to falling in love over a period of 6 plus months.

 

Some couples a truly "head over heels" from date one and remain that way. They are not "meh" , unexcited or indifferent about their partners initially. They do not have to "grow" to be really into them. They just are. And yes a lot of people don't know each other and hence the relationship doesn't necessarily work out just because of an initial effortlessly passionate union.

 

By the way; the OP should absolutely NOT hold out ANY hope that she is somehow the "exception" to the rule for this guy. She isn't the woman who will "change" him.

 

 

My friends ex player of a boyfriend, she never tried to tame him; he did it immediately upon meeting her.

 

He wasn't a player, he slept around; he NEVER led girls on, he was upfront from the very nigh they had sex with those girls... he never alluded to a relationship and in fact, he told them ALL before sex that "he didn't want a relationship with them".

 

He was considerate of these women's feelings.

 

He is honestly nuts about my friend and she didn't do a thing to try to change him. HE came to her...

 

The OP is NOT in my friends position! this guy is not all that into her for more than the sex!

Edited February 25, 2014 by Leigh 87

[MidwestUSA]

OP, maybe this has been mentioned, but how long have YOU been single?

[Mommame2]

I've been single about 7 months. And the men I've met are usually wanting sex or at least close to it very quickly.

 

He just made me feel very weird about not seeing other people. He said it takes months to get to that place. So why did he want to sleep w me?

[MidwestUSA]

I've been single about 7 months. And the men I've met are usually wanting sex or at least close to it very quickly.

 

He just made me feel very weird about not seeing other people. He said it takes months to get to that place. So why did he want to sleep w me?

 

He simply wants sex.

 

What I said about being single for a while before even attempting serious dating applies to women as well as men. Take some time for yourself. Are you afraid of being alone?

[Tayken]

Hmmmm...Post 91 and 92 above, classic case of two people of the same sex at different ends of the spectrum

 

Key words:

 

Smitten

player

monogamous

relationship

sex

 

I don't want to hear "head over heels in love again", it's a bloody myth....

[Mommame2]

If a guy is just out of a long marriage (6 months) and starts seeing a girl and she says she wants sex only to be in an exclusive relationship and he agrees... And then proceeds to have sex with her and he says ... Well I thought maybe you had a change of heart.

 

He says he's "close to being ready for exclusive" but it could take months.... Because after a 20 year marriage he's "scared of commitment" and he wants it to mean something and he wants to be okay with it.

 

But then says he wants to keep seeing the girl without sex (her choice) to see if there could be a real commitment. So he invites her on dates...

 

Will said guy ever decide to commit to said girl... Since he does seem to really like her?

 

I'm just trying to lay this out there for myself again. I need strength. One of my best friends is encouraging me just have fun with this guy. But I know myself. I get hurt. Sex isn't just sex for me.

Edited February 25, 2014 by Mommame2

[MidwestUSA]

If a guy is just out of a long marriage (6 months) and starts seeing a girl and she says she wants sex only to be in an exclusive relationship and he agrees... And then proceeds to have sex with her and he says ... Well I thought maybe you had a change of heart.

 

He says he's "close to being ready for exclusive" but it could take months.... Because after a 20 year marriage he's "scared of commitment" and he wants it to mean something and he wants to be okay with it.

 

But then says he wants to keep seeing the girl without sex (her choice) to see if there could be a real commitment. So he invites her on dates...

 

Will said guy ever decide to commit to said girl... Since he does seem to really like her?

 

Short answer, no. Being 'close to ready' is his way of warming you up to the idea of sex. He's not going to commit for a long, long time. Sex, OTOH, he may have gone without for years at the end of his marriage. He wants to make up for lost time on that front.

 

Six months is too soon for him to be considering ANYTHING.

 

He's already pulled one sleazy move on you, and you're looking to give him a pass? You've been single all of seven months; have you considered the idea of FWBs?

 

Can I ask again - are you afraid of being alone?

[Mommame2]

I think I am feeling alone and scared of it. That is very true. I feel life is too short and I don't want to waste precious time alone and not enjoying those special moments.

 

I have to say it is deflating that this guy doesn't feel like he's that crazy about me. And I worry that it's a sign that I need to get out there and keep trying or I'll end up alone long term.

 

I don't think I can handle FWB. I connect with people and I want them to see me as a special person in their lives. Not just one in a harem.

 

And I believe this guy is also using the local millionare matchmaker. He's extremely wealthy. So that's another issue. Any money hungry chick will be running after him.

[Mommame2]

So the guy is now slowing down the idea of wanting to hangout. Says maybe next week.... Which I figured would happen. Still hurts none the same. I'm ibviously going to avoid replying.

 

But I just think in a week time he went from wanting me to have more evening hours available to see him... To now ... This. I guarantee he would love the idea of sleeping together consistently. But who knows what kind of diseases he is getting?! I mean he needs a wake up call.

 

Sorry I'm just grasping for strength today. Part of me is weak and vulnerable despite the fact he said one thing and then pushed for another...

[Mommame2]

So would it be horrible if I went off on this guy? Would I be the psycho chick if I told him that it was pretty obvious What's at play? I don't want to be psycho but I'm really angry and want him to know.