Exclusive dating vs Sex? [update]

[Mommame2]

Yep that's totally true. I'm part of the problem. I wanted to believe in him so badly... That I trusted we were both coming at this openly.

 

He said part of what he needs is for me to open up to him but that's not so easy when I feel like it is expected.

 

Now here's the other thing he did. When we were just chatting via text he wanted to see bikini photos. I sent him some pics from the beach etc and I said they were also like progress fitness photos for me.

 

His response to the first one was "is that before or after?"

 

I was stunned but I let it slide. I'm 5'9 and 135. I don't feel ashamed about my appearance. Then one of the nights we were together he asked me how long ago that photo was taken and if I thought I has made enough "progress" since it was taken.

 

Now he also will go on and on about how mucho he loves my body so it's really mixed messages. But some of the odd statements hurt much like the "purgatory" remark.

[myothernic2]

I don't know why people keep telling the OP to give him another chance.

 

 

He's pretty much showed his hand.

 

 

Not sure why people think a guy who pushes for early sex is a prize. It's not about her passing his slut test and going 'oh goodie he respects me now'.

 

 

It's about her weeding out guys who don't respect her stated wishes... which he doesn't. All he is going to do is keep pressing her, and she clearly doesn't have the backbone to say no when she is put into a situation.... Think about it OP. Is there anything you are gonna say no to with this guy? What else is he not going to respect you for? What other cr*p is he going to try and get past you?? It doesn't end here. We've seen it a million times on LS and elsewhere.

 

 

IMHO, this one is done. Next time, OP, just cut loose guys who do this if you are looking for a committed relationship with a decent guy. Seriously. Good guys who are looking for a relationship don't pull this.

 

I don't know why people are saying give him another try either. This is such a waste of time for what she's looking for. Don't forget, he also put this out there, "He said that he is totally into me but that it's like "purgatory" committing.... To not dating others."

[Mommame2]

Yeah those words obviously stung...he apologized for using such a poor choice of words and that he just meant it is so early. Obviously not too early to be all over me though.

 

The thing is...he's a brilliant man... And I'm drawn to wickedly smart men and he is one of the few who doesn't appear to be a narcissist. That's not common...

 

But that doesn't mean he's treating me properly either. He knows I am drawn to him. I didn't say much like that often but he kept telling me he needed me to look into his eyes and tell him how I was feeling about him. That just texting wasn't enough. So...asking me to say those things is not easy ... And now that typing it... I feel ridiculous.

[HappyLove]

Yeah those words obviously stung...he apologized for using such a poor choice of words and that he just meant it is so early. Obviously not too early to be all over me though.

 

The thing is...he's a brilliant man... And I'm drawn to wickedly smart men and he is one of the few who doesn't appear to be a narcissist. That's not common...

 

But that doesn't mean he's treating me properly either. He knows I am drawn to him. I didn't say much like that often but he kept telling me he needed me to look into his eyes and tell him how I was feeling about him. That just texting wasn't enough. So...asking me to say those things is not easy ... And now that typing it... I feel ridiculous.

 

 

It's sounding to me like you don't even like this guy OP, why are you dating him? Just because a guy replied to your ad and you went out doesn't mean you HAVE TO keep seeing him!

[rosyfuture]

I have been in the situation of dating a newly divorced man. I was his rebound. Sorry to say, you may be as well. He wants to be free, see what is out there, sleep with some new and different women. Do not keep your hopes up OP.

[RedRobin]

Yeah those words obviously stung...he apologized for using such a poor choice of words and that he just meant it is so early. Obviously not too early to be all over me though.

 

The thing is...he's a brilliant man... And I'm drawn to wickedly smart men and he is one of the few who doesn't appear to be a narcissist. That's not common...

 

But that doesn't mean he's treating me properly either. He knows I am drawn to him. I didn't say much like that often but he kept telling me he needed me to look into his eyes and tell him how I was feeling about him. That just texting wasn't enough. So...asking me to say those things is not easy ... And now that typing it... I feel ridiculous.

 

Two weeks and he is making comments about your body, asking for bikini pics, and 'purgatory' about commitment.

 

He knows you are drawn to him and needs you to look into his eyes and tell you how you are feeling about him. Pity play.

 

Run... effing run.

 

... Please do some soul searching why you are drawn to him. How is he 'brilliant'?? The only thing he is brilliant at is being manipulative and sending mixed messages.

 

There is no need to feel ridiculous. Just realize that guys like this are no catch and don't be so flattered. Words are just words.

[HappyLove]

Again after two weeks there is no way you could even know how brilliant someone is. He could be telling you ANYTHING! I suggest dating a few of the guys you met online and not put your all into this STRANGER. You are way too attached too soon and afraid to bail. Sounds like he has made you uncomfortable a lot of times in two short weeks! You are too thirsty for a relationship and it's causing you to overlook a lot of red flags.

[BradJacobs]

Okay I agree. So how do I proceed here? Take his calls? Tell him what exactly? I clearly feel like a fool but I would like to move forward with class. Whether I talk/see him again or not.

 

Why?

 

The guy lied to you do that you would sleep with him.

 

Move on. He doesn't deserve your concern.

[Mommame2]

Well, I guess where I'm at...is the fact that I am still blaming myself...thinking I led him on....

 

 

I guess I just assumed that since he spent all day texting me the first few days..and that he said his profile was down...that he would not being dating anyone else. I must say ...I don't think he is actively seeing anyone else because every time he's available...he's been meeting me. (he had his kids this weekend).

 

 

So...when he asked me when we should go all the way...I said that I felt it was important to be in an exclusive relationship and that I don't want to share the guy ...I'm sleeping with. He said he understood...and we'd take it "day by day" because he was so into me.

 

 

But, when we actually got into the act (after over an hour of other stuff) and I stopped him and asked him if this is what he was ready for... I won't forget the way he looked into my eyes. He just stared. I thought he was going to say something romantic...but instead...he didn't. He just said that whole thing about how "he's getting there" (to be exclusive) but then the statement about how it's so difficult because it's so early and that being committed to one person is like purgatory.

 

 

So, I guess I just need to decide if I want to keep seeing him while he decides...or if I just cut my losses now. I totally understand that this will probably end poorly ...if I don't just end it now. Unless he wants to tell me tonight that he's had a change of heart...

 

 

Here's my thing... I feel like I'm asking too much of him. I didn't mind just seeing him along with others ...if we were intimate. But, now it all just feels weird... You can't undo this and he has proven to me that he wanted to push the edge.

 

 

Is it common for guys to try to be with a woman ... even AFTER she's made it clear that IF that happens....that means he's not doing it with anyone else? I mean Yes..I stopped him...but it was because I wanted to be certain that I wasn't getting taken advantage of...and yes, of course...I was.

[BradJacobs]

The guy is a creep. He lied. You told him what you needed. He told you enough to convince yourself he was safe.

 

Is it common? I don't know. I have slept with a lot of women but never had to lie to do it. Never led them on. So in my world that is rare.

 

Have any idea how hard it is to stop while in the act? He knew he lied. He was hoping you weren't going to catch him. I am certain guilt got the better of him in the end.

[Phantom888]

This guy is a major jerk. He had an agenda, and just wanted to get you into bed. I mean, if he really cared about you, he would have no problem committing to you in a relationship before sex. I mean, he sees commitment as purgatory...that was no accidental slip. He wants to be able to have sex with you regularly while he dates others or search around for someone he wants to seriously date. You should stay away from this guy.... he is toxic, and obviously you two want different things in this exchange.

 

BTW, non-committal men make you believe you have a special connection with them just so he can manipulate you. He will tell you things you want to hear. It's the oldest trick in the book.

[MidwestUSA]

How newly divorced is this guy? Realize that not too many people are ready to date so soon after a divorce (sure, they think they are). I gave myself two years before I even CONSIDERED dating. He's looking for sex, and to get his feet (ahem) wet again. If you're on board with that, go for it. If you want commitment, keep looking.

 

"I'm all yours"? Creepiest thing I've heard in a while.

[Mommame2]

Yeah he's about 6 months from moving out of their family home.

 

And he has 4 kids. 4, 5, 12 and 16. Last weekend he wanted to leave the 12 year old to watch the 4 and 5 year old at 9pm to come visit me. The 16 year old wasn't around.

 

So, I said no. I'm a mom. One 8 year old son. And I thought that was selfish and dangerous.

[MidwestUSA]

Yeah he's about 6 months from moving out of their family home.

 

And he has 4 kids. 4, 5, 12 and 16. Last weekend he wanted to leave the 12 year old to watch the 4 and 5 year old at 9pm to come visit me. The 16 year old wasn't around.

 

So, I said no. I'm a mom. One 8 year old son. And I thought that was selfish and dangerous.

 

Whoa, this guy's head is up his a$$. I'd steer clear.

[kaylan]

Actually, a few guys I know were smitten with a girl within the first 2 weeks that they met.

 

Sometimes there's simply a clear winner; trying to date others would just be fruitless since the one person is on your mind.

 

I tend to date less and wait for guys who feel that way about me.

 

My good friends boyfriend slept around a lot. He wasn't looking for a relationship; the day he met her, everything changed. He immediately wanted to stop sleeping around and see where things went with her......

 

 

Not everyone needs more than a couple of weeks to know if they want to " focus on one person"

You missed the point of my post.

 

You dont know someone well enough in 2 weeks to put your eggs in one basket if you have reservations. If a girl has reservations about sex and exclusivity, she should wait longer than 2 weeks so that she can get to know the guy somewhat better.

[Mommame2]

Do you think that child care issue is a big red flag, as well?

 

I personally thought it was weird he just had then every other weekend.

 

 

 

Whoa, this guy's head is up his a$$. I'd steer clear.

[HappyLove]

Do you think that child care issue is a big red flag, as well?

 

I personally thought it was weird he just had then every other weekend.

 

This is just more proof that you don't even know this man, yet you want to be exclusive! All you need to hear him say is yes we're exclusive, after two weeks that is NOT normal for you or him!

[Phantom888]

I think you know the answer. RUN! Don't contact him again. This guy is bad news. Being exclusive would expose your kid to him. Why would you want that??!

[Conners]

Did you two ever have sex?

 

No we didn't.

Yes I am a horrible person.. and don't worry if I ever see his friends out on the town they sure give me a hard time about it haha.

[somedude81]

No we didn't.

Yes I am a horrible person.. and don't worry if I ever see his friends out on the town they sure give me a hard time about it haha.

Ha hah, I had a feeling that was the case. Basically it was his one and only opportunity to have sex with you right?

 

Were you at all upset that he didn't sleep with you?

 

Sometimes I get the feeling that just need to happen to take things to the next level. If sex doesn't happen when the opportunity is there, for whatever reason, things end.

Edited February 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed off topic jack

[MidwestUSA]

Do you think that child care issue is a big red flag, as well?

 

I personally thought it was weird he just had then every other weekend.

 

I'm not a mother, but a twelve year old taking care of a 4 and a 5 year old after 9pm just doesn't sound right. Too many bad things going on in the world today.

[Silver93]

I may be old fashioned but I believe that the moment you agree to meet up for a date you are exclusive.

If you we're going to go on a date with someone, why would you want to go out with someone else.

Doesn't make much sense to me.

[Conners]

Ha hah, I had a feeling that was the case. Basically it was his one and only opportunity to have sex with you right?

 

Were you at all upset that he didn't sleep with you?

 

Sometimes I get the feeling that just need to happen to take things to the next level. If sex doesn't happen when the opportunity is there, for whatever reason, things end.

 

I wasn't upset I was just persistent until I finally fell asleep, I didn't get angry or annoyed at him.

 

We both just drifted apart and I had met my now ex and he got a girlfriend who he's still with so at least he's happy now. His a-hole friends who I always see out give me crap about it then proceed to try hit on me.. GREAT friends he has.

Edited February 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Silver93]

Imagine you go on a date with a girl, and she has absolutely horrible table manners, is constantly rude to the staff, yells at other people next to her and insists that you pay for everything. This whole time she is texting and barely says a word to you.

 

Would you want to see her again?

 

That is my point. If you do not like her then you don't go out with her again.

This guy has said he likes the girl but he doesn't want to commit. I think if you like them you should commit.

Edited February 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[somedude81]

That is my point. If you do not like her then you don't go out with her again.

This guy has said he likes the girl but he doesn't want to commit. I think if you like them you should commit.

That's not what you said at all.

 

I believe that the moment you agree to meet up for a date you are exclusive.

 

It's pretty much the exact opposite of what I quoted.

 

Even liking somebody isn't enough to commit. Usually a commitment doesn't happen until three or more dates. That way you are absolutely sure that you like somebody. That is also a reason why sex should not happen before a commitment. A woman could have sex with a guy who doesn't like her, and then she could feel cheap and used.