Exclusive dating vs Sex? [update]

[Iguanna]

I hate to be cruel and I sympathise with you a lot, you seem like a serious lady, BUT I'm sorry to say that your words and your actions were telling something else each. With words you told him "I want to be sure we are exclusive before we have sex" and with actions you told him "well I can make a little exception with you and have sex without being exclusive for once". What I mean is, when a woman does NOT want to have sex with someone for whatever reason, she doesn't accept an invitation to his house and makes her point really clear. You want to date him, get to know him and then decide if he's the one, but you didn't act that way. The only good thing from this "mistake" of yours was that you kinda "forced" him to show his true colors. He obviously is not ready to commit with a woman - yet? We don't know. If you really like him tell him that you accept his apology and realize you made some mistakes as well and you want to keep dating and see where this goes, but invitations to his house and sex are out of the question for the time you choose. If he sees you seriously, he'll respect that. If not, well you got your solution.

[central]

Here's the problem. Even if he willingly dates only you and you are exclusive, there's no guarantee it will work out longer term. After 3 months, or 6 months, or even more, either of you may discover that you are not right for each other.

 

Dating is a risk. You may - and often will - get hurt, unless you are very lucky. The best thing is to learn how to handle that possibility, rather than avoid giving someone a chance who seems great.

 

If you really want commitment and reasonable assurance that someone wants you exclusively, you have to hold off on the sex for a month or three - or more in some cases. However, many great guys who would want a serious relationship with you won't wait that long, because there are other good women who won't make them wait. So use this approach wisely.

Edited February 24, 2014 by central

[Conners]

This is so difficult because I think he's genuinely a nice guy and has been very sweet and compassionate. We sat and talked on the phone for hours...

 

But he knew exactly where I stood on the sex issue. Yet he still tried .. After I had said no how many times. Coincidentally it was after he said "baby you have all of me..."

 

I just think that him telling me that the hormones just took over and that he planned on holding off... Is probably only a half truth.

 

He handed me vodka when I walked in. That's all I need to know right? He knows I rarely drink ...

 

Not responding to him or his texts is going to be SO hard. So I'm grateful for any feedback I can get here ...to make I'm doing the right thing.

 

I'm such a fool.

 

Yeah he might be a nice guy but he doesn't really respect your wishes.. and you aren't a fool. These guys are pigs who think they know how to trick women into sleeping with them.. I think everyone on LS is used to reading about this sort of situation often so while it may seem obvious that he's a pig to some based on what you've told us, it's hard to see that when he can be charming in person.

[Emilia]

You are not a fool OP, just need to keep perspective for a little longer than 2 weeks. Not allow yourself to get caught up in it so soon. You would see this as clearly as we do.

[Mommame2]

I think I will tell him that if he'd like to spend time going to dinners and movies ...spending quality time together, than I'm happy to see him.

 

He said last night that he wants to learn about our "emotional connection" before calling it exclusive. So, I'll tell him I'm happy to do that. Which I'm sure he will say he will do ... And not follow through. So it will allow him to show me ...

[Mommame2]

He is already texting me this morning asking "how I'm feeling" etc.

 

I think the thing that kills me is that maybe things would have worked great had I not allowed myself to give in. But I also realize he probably still wouldn't be talking to me if all I wanted was dinner dates etc.

 

I almost cancelled on him last night because my ex didn't get to pick up our son in time. He started calling sitters to get it covered ... Which I did not accept. But clearly he was motivated to get me to his house. Rats I just feel stupid.

[Emilia]

I think the thing that kills me is that maybe things would have worked great had I not allowed myself to give in.

You are not seriously blaming yourself for his behaviour, are you? It's like saying I wouldn't have kicked this puppy if someone hadn't put it in front of me I mean he is still an ass regardless whether you went back to his house or not. It's yourself you are saving the trouble for, not him.

[Mommame2]

I realize that but I put myself in this situation. He messages this morning and wants to take me to dinner tonight... That he just wants to spend more time with me.

 

I agreed but I can't help but wonder if he's doing that to just save face. He wants me to think of him as a good guy...

 

I don't know what to do. Dinner ?

[clia]

I don't necessarily think this guy is an ******* based on what you posted. You told him what you wanted; he told you what he wanted, which was different than what you wanted...and then you continued to allow it to get physical and started to have sex with him anyway. So why is he the jerk? I don't get it. Obviously there was some miscommunication, but I can't put all the blame of that on him.

 

You've known him two weeks. That's pretty fast to expect him to agree to exclusivity. Most people don't move that quickly. I don't blame him for wanting to take it slower. The physical stuff happening quickly is on both of you, not just him.

 

I don't see any issue with continuing to date him, but do not put yourself into the position of having sex with him. Don't go to his house and don't invite him to yours. Let him take you out to dinner or to do other things and just get to know each other. Put on the brakes and see what happens.

[HappyLove]

Most of us have been there and made the same mistakes. We just all have to learn to do better. First of all two weeks is NOTHING! There is no way you know a complete stranger that you met online in two weeks! On your end you have no idea if you if you even really like this guy! Screw what he wants, look out for what YOU want.

 

There is no way you can seriously expect anyone to commit to you after only 2 weeks. It takes me longer than that to find the right purse sometimes. You have to decide what you want in life and stick to it.

 

The only way you are going to know if someone is relationship material is by watching their ACTIONS NOT WORDS. Sure he'll walk over and delete his account because guess what...it take a whole 2 second to put it back up. This is a STRANGER, you had no business even being at his house. Think of your safety!

 

There are thousands of men online who will tell you whatever it is you want to hear so they can get what they want. That's why you look at their ACTIONS to see if it's true. Two weeks and he's already not even taking you on dates. Don't beat yourself up, just take this as lesson learned you have to look out for yourself don't blindly believe what a stranger tells you.

[Mommame2]

Yeah I agree... Takes 2 to tango and I clearly said one thing and did another. So, I think trying dinners and actual dates is the best route.

 

My biggest concern is just handling this well... And not seeming like a pathetic idiot. So I'm going to just try and move forward and put this behind us.

 

But he keeps saying he wants to nurture our emotional connection.., that's not easy when all we are doing is kissing etc. And 2... We don't talk throughout the day because he runs a huge company.

 

So how do I try to nurture that emotional connection? When a guy says that what is he specifically talking about. It's scary to tell him my life story when I think that this May not last... Since he is clear that he doesn't want to be exclusive.

 

 

Here's what I WILL tell him tonight.

 

When I say exclusive... I don't mean that I want to get married. I just want to focus on one person at a time. That is important to me since we are both busy people and want to see if this is a serious possibility.

[Emilia]

Yeah I agree... Takes 2 to tango and I clearly said one thing and did another. So, I think trying dinners and actual dates is the best route.

 

My biggest concern is just handling this well... And not seeming like a pathetic idiot. So I'm going to just try and move forward and put this behind us.

 

But he keeps saying he wants to nurture our emotional connection.., that's not easy when all we are doing is kissing etc. And 2... We don't talk throughout the day because he runs a huge company.

 

So how do I try to nurture that emotional connection? When a guy says that what is he specifically talking about. It's scary to tell him my life story when I think that this May not last... Since he is clear that he doesn't want to be exclusive.

 

 

Here's what I WILL tell him tonight.

 

When I say exclusive... I don't mean that I want to get married. I just want to focus on one person at a time. That is important to me since we are both busy people and want to see if this is a serious possibility.

Jesus woman, you have fallen for it hook, line and sinker. You will get hurt because you don't have the strength to pull yourself out of difficult situations. Guaranteed.

[Mommame2]

Maybe I should avoid him at all costs... Ugh. I'm sure you are probably right. I don't seem to have the strength I need to ...

 

So, thanks but no thanks?

[HappyLove]

"But he keeps saying he wants to nurture our emotional connection.., that's not easy when all we are doing is kissing etc. And 2... We don't talk throughout the day because he runs a huge company.

 

So how do I try to nurture that emotional connection? When a guy says that what is he specifically talking about. It's scary to tell him my life story when I think that this May not last... Since he is clear that he doesn't want to be exclusive."

 

I think you need some kind of dating 101 class...but don't worry LS has your back.

 

Basically he's feeding you BULL "nurture our emotional connection" that's almost laughable. How convenient that he doesn't have any time for you during the day.

 

Why on Earth do you need to tell a STRANGER you met online your life story after two weeks?

 

YOU move wayyyyy too fast. Calm down!!! I know dating is exciting and fun and it's hard to meet a great guy but you are putting the cart before the horse. Slow down and just gradually get to know who your dating. News flash, most people who OLD are dating multiple people. I think you could actually benefit from dating some more men so your not so wrapped up in this one guy you've only known 2 weeks.

[Mommame2]

Yeah I hear ya... I am also just out of divorce. So while I've dated... I feel the pressure to deliver what these men want...

 

The emotional connection statement ticked me off because i was like "oh yeah, cause I thought we should have focused on that FIRST before sex".

 

It's just tough. I'm too much of a people pleaser..,

[Emilia]

I'm too much of a people pleaser..,

Yes and men don't respect that. You need to learn to look after yourself better.

[somedude81]

I agree that a real gentleman who respect and like you enough will not pressure sex. I was seeing a guy once and I wasn't sure if I liked him enough to date him because I was in a bad place at the time but we were mainly friends and hung out and did some other things besides sex. One night I crashed at his house after a party and was unbelievably wasted and just took all my clothes off and tried to have sex with him and he nearly did it but stopped and said I can't do this with the state your in and I know you might not want this sober.

 

^ THAT'S A DECENT GUY.

I wish i stayed with him actually.

Did you two ever have sex?

[Mommame2]

I agree. I need dating 101! So if I go to dinner with him tonight... Do I set the ground rules or do I avoid the issue and just let my actions speak for themselves?

 

"But he keeps saying he wants to nurture our emotional connection.., that's not easy when all we are doing is kissing etc. And 2... We don't talk throughout the day because he runs a huge company.

 

So how do I try to nurture that emotional connection? When a guy says that what is he specifically talking about. It's scary to tell him my life story when I think that this May not last... Since he is clear that he doesn't want to be exclusive."

 

I think you need some kind of dating 101 class...but don't worry LS has your back.

 

Basically he's feeding you BULL "nurture our emotional connection" that's almost laughable. How convenient that he doesn't have any time for you during the day.

 

Why on Earth do you need to tell a STRANGER you met online your life story after two weeks?

 

YOU move wayyyyy too fast. Calm down!!! I know dating is exciting and fun and it's hard to meet a great guy but you are putting the cart before the horse. Slow down and just gradually get to know who your dating. News flash, most people who OLD are dating multiple people. I think you could actually benefit from dating some more men so your not so wrapped up in this one guy you've only known 2 weeks.

[RedRobin]

Look, OP, once and for all... get it out of your head to stop worrying about what THEY want and whatever pressure they put on you...

 

 

What do YOU want?

 

 

Anyway, I'm really finding it tough to understand what is so special about this guy, at all.

 

 

He doesn't respect you, feeds you BS, plays on your feelings, for what??

 

 

It's not about what guys will or won't respect. It's about YOU waking up in the morning and feeling good about your choices.

[HappyLove]

I agree. I need dating 101! So if I go to dinner with him tonight... Do I set the ground rules or do I avoid the issue and just let my actions speak for themselves?

 

Just let your actions speak! No need for all these rules and deep conversations about the future! You're just dating and having fun! Go in with a good disposition don't look all weak and depressed over what happened. Just try your best to start fresh. Don't go back to his place or invite to yours. With OLDing a lot of these guys flake when they don't get what they want. Just watch how he is and see if you even like him. It's only been 2 weeks.

[HappyLove]

Don't expect too much from someone you met online. Yes sometimes you hit the jackpot and you luck out but most times you will have to kiss a lot of frogs until you find the right one. That's why in the meantime you should protect your heart and not move too fast.

[RedRobin]

I don't know why people keep telling the OP to give him another chance.

 

 

He's pretty much showed his hand.

 

 

Not sure why people think a guy who pushes for early sex is a prize. It's not about her passing his slut test and going 'oh goodie he respects me now'.

 

 

It's about her weeding out guys who don't respect her stated wishes... which he doesn't. All he is going to do is keep pressing her, and she clearly doesn't have the backbone to say no when she is put into a situation.... Think about it OP. Is there anything you are gonna say no to with this guy? What else is he not going to respect you for? What other cr*p is he going to try and get past you?? It doesn't end here. We've seen it a million times on LS and elsewhere.

 

 

IMHO, this one is done. Next time, OP, just cut loose guys who do this if you are looking for a committed relationship with a decent guy. Seriously. Good guys who are looking for a relationship don't pull this.

[HappyLove]

I don't know why people keep telling the OP to give him another chance.

 

 

He's pretty much showed his hand.

 

 

Not sure why people think a guy who pushes for early sex is a prize. It's not about her passing his slut test and going 'oh goodie he respects me now'.

 

 

It's about her weeding out guys who don't respect her stated wishes... which he doesn't. All he is going to do is keep pressing her, and she clearly doesn't have the backbone to say no when she is put into a situation.... Think about it OP. Is there anything you are gonna say no to with this guy? What else is he not going to respect you for? What other cr*p is he going to try and get past you?? It doesn't end here. We've seen it a million times on LS and elsewhere.

 

 

IMHO, this one is done. Next time, OP, just cut loose guys who do this if you are looking for a committed relationship with a decent guy. Seriously. Good guys who are looking for a relationship don't pull this.

 

Very true but some people have to learn and see for themselves.

[RedRobin]

Very true but some people have to learn and see for themselves.

 

 

Alright... but advice encouraging her to see for herself isn't necessarily helpful. It makes people with those tendencies feel like there is still hope and also give the schmuck in question another shot.

 

 

Then they feel that much more idiotic after the fact... rinse repeat. For every guy who tries these moves, I wish there were more people saying, no, GTFO.

[HappyLove]

Alright... but advice encouraging her to see for herself isn't necessarily helpful. It makes people with those tendencies feel like there is still hope and also give the schmuck in question another shot.

 

 

Then they feel that much more idiotic after the fact... rinse repeat. For every guy who tries these moves, I wish there were more people saying, no, GTFO.

 

But it's not only the guy here that's the problem. OP has some bad habits she needs to break as well. And until she can see where she is going wrong she's not going to change and these situations aren't going to change. Maybe she will be able to take a step back and learn something from this, then it will have been time well spent.