Exclusive dating vs Sex? [update]

[GoreSP]

OP is 38 years old and was 22 when she got married. Not exactly playing the field.

 

She has accepted responsibility for her part. She knows now not to take a guys word for things... And not to go over to a mans house. Congrats... One more woman is a little more jaded because douchebag has to act like a little boy and has to see what he can get away with instead of being upfront from the get go... I don't appreciate advice that insists that men aren't responsible for their sexuality and it is up to women to read their minds or bring a polygraph. At what point exactly are men supposed to be honest about their goals and expectations in your world??

 

I have my doubts that people who make a habit of casual sex know what the right thing is... Obviously in this case... You thought it was perfectly fine for him to ignore her stated expectations and plow forward anyway.

 

For some reason, you have decided to completely ignore the fact that, even though she made her expectations 'clear', she still went and started having sex with him not too long after - before stopping him, repeating her 'expectations' and continuing with the making out.

 

Moreso, the guy was honest about his expectations when he said he didn't want to commit, that dating only one person would be 'purgatory' and OP STILL went to his place, and started having sex with the guy.

 

If anybody didn't respect OP's boundaries, it's herself. I don't care at what age she got married. 38 years old is old enough to take responsibility for your ****ups without twisting it around and making it someone else's fault.

[BradJacobs]

For some reason, you have decided to completely ignore the fact that, even though she made her expectations 'clear', she still went and started having sex with him not too long after - before stopping him, repeating her 'expectations' and continuing with the making out.

 

Moreso, the guy was honest about his expectations when he said he didn't want to commit, that dating only one person would be 'purgatory' and OP STILL went to his place, and started having sex with the guy.

 

If anybody didn't respect OP's boundaries, it's herself. I don't care at what age she got married. 38 years old is old enough to take responsibility for your ****ups without twisting it around and making it someone else's fault.

 

"I'm all yours." = his sleazy way to manipulate her.

 

I'm 100% for casual hook ups. Men who manipulate and lie in order to get them are scum.

[GoreSP]

"I'm all yours." = his sleazy way to manipulate her.

 

I'm 100% for casual hook ups. Men who manipulate and lie in order to get them are scum.

 

Thing is, he didn't.

He first told her that dating only one woman would be purgatory. OP said she expected monogamy and he said he didn't want it.

At this point, if OP is going back in the guy's bed, it's on her. I'm really sick of women doing this kind of crap and then making it seem like they were used for sex.

[wheream_i]

Forget the sex part and all that. If two weeks into it, he already has to watch what he says to you and tiptoe on eggshells, then he needs to be gone.

[oldshirt]

"I'm all yours." = his sleazy way to manipulate her.

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It's all context.

 

 

If they are stone cold sober, fully dressed, in a completely nonsexual situation having an open and honest discussion on their relationship and he says that, then she has some reason to believe he's saying he's invested in the relationship.

 

 

When they are naked in bed getting it on and he says it, it's just sex-talk.

 

 

 

 

Even when she stopped him after they were getting it on and asked him if he was going to be exclusive, he said no.

 

 

That's a slam dunk - he's was serious about not committing and was open about it.

[oldshirt]

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If anybody didn't respect OP's boundaries, it's herself.

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^^^This sums it up perfectly^^^^

 

 

 

 

This is why she is having so much turmoil and internal conflict over this. She had a set of boundaries and values and ideas on how she was going to handle this and other relationships. she had in her head she wasn't going to get it on outside of a serious, exclusive relationship.

 

 

......And then this guy turned her on.

 

 

What Red Robin and a couple others are overlooking is that this guy wasn't manipulating and pressuring her out of her clothes and into his bed, She was ALREADY OUT HER CLOTHES AND IN HIS BED! She was very attracted to him and wanting to do him. He just wouldn't agree her relationship terms.

 

 

She was counting on that she was going to be able to hold out until her preferred relationship parameters we met before she became sexual, but what ended up happening is the attraction and the desire came first.

 

 

She was trying to play catch-up and trying to secure the exclusivity clause before getting it on but her desire and attraction outpaced the relationship.

 

 

He didn't manipulate her into bed, her own loins did. Nows she's just trying to play victim and blame him to justify her own actions after the fact.

 

 

It's wasted time and energy as far as I'm concerned. 38 year old women have a right to their own desire and their sexlives. If she wants to cut things off and defer sex until an exclusive relationship is in place, that's perfectly ok. what's not ok is to get it on with someone because you want to and then make them out to be a masher because you didn't like the answer they gave you after you were already sucking on their dck. (I'm speaking figuratively there, we don't know what they were literally doing at that moment but I doubt if I am too far off)

[Mommame2]

And for the LAST time.

 

He did NOT tell me he didn't want to be exclusive until I stopped him to make sure.

 

The day before (while clothes) he asked when we could have sex. I said when I'm in a solid exclusive relationship. He responded with "I'm feeling all in because I'm so into you... Let's make it a day to day thing and see where we are. I really want you. All of you".

 

The next day I go to his home. We get very intimate. Then I stop him when he tried. He says okay. 10 minutes later he says "what are you worried about... You have all of me".

 

So he proceeds to start sex. I stop him and say are you sure? He says what do you mean. Then I stop him.

 

He THEN tells me he's "almost ready to be exclusive but admits he sees being exclusive as "purgatory".

 

So I stop him all together.

 

He later apologized for saying those words since they led me to believe we should have sex.

[RedRobin]

And for the LAST time.

 

He did NOT tell me he didn't want to be exclusive until I stopped him to make sure.

 

The day before (while clothes) he asked when we could have sex. I said when I'm in a solid exclusive relationship. He responded with "I'm feeling all in because I'm so into you... Let's make it a day to day thing and see where we are. I really want you. All of you".

 

The next day I go to his home. We get very intimate. Then I stop him when he tried. He says okay. 10 minutes later he says "what are you worried about... You have all of me".

 

So he proceeds to start sex. I stop him and say are you sure? He says what do you mean. Then I stop him.

 

He THEN tells me he's "almost ready to be exclusive but admits he sees being exclusive as "purgatory".

 

So I stop him all together.

 

He later apologized for saying those words since they led me to believe we should have sex.

 

It's a shame you have to keep repeating yourself to folks here... they really can't handle the truth, apparently.

 

Ha. Almost ready. What a joke. Sleezy till the end.

 

... and I'll say this again, you had this discussion with him beforehand. He had no business putting the moves on you like that. He should have just walked away and said something along the lines of "I'm super attracted to you, but I'm sorry. Looks like we aren't in the same place right now."

 

That's the whole point of having the conversation in the first place, folks.

 

*I* am sick of women having to be the effing moral arbiter of sex all the time instead of guys having some responsibility. *I* am sick of having to whip out a dictionary to friggin weed out what 'exclusive' means to some turdball...

 

Scum is right.

 

I give you tons of credit, OP, for continuing to press him and stopping things before it got too far. He was an *ss for putting you in that position in the first place considering the discussion you had the day before. Anyway, you see the attitudes here on LS. Welcome to dating in the 2000's.

Edited March 6, 2014 by RedRobin

[oldshirt]

I posted here before and need some reassurance.

 

I am just out of divorce and a VeRY successful man messages me on FB. I told him I wasn't ready to date (when he asked me out ) but after our texts kept intensifying and we hit it off so well .... I agreed to go to coffee with him. Well that turned into a drink after work.

 

Anyway convo was great. He walked me out and kissed me. Told me he wanted to see me again. He invited me to his place the following night. He originally asked if he could come to my house after my 8 year old son fell asleep. I told him no that wouldn't work. So I went to his place. We got hot and heavy. But I made it clear to him that for me sex was only for those in an exclusive relationship. He said "I agree. Part of me wants to take exclusivity slow and deliberate and another part wants to jump all in". I told him I understood. His decree isn't even signed yet. He had 4 kids. 4 5 12 and 16. He only has the every other weekend. He ended up inviting me to a friends condo after the kids fell asleep. 16 yr old wasn't there. But said 12 yr old could watch his brothers. I said no. That I wasn't comfortable with that.

 

So on the third time seeing him he says he wants to give me massage. Blindfold and all. He seduces me. Handed me a cocktail at the door. So he and I get hot and heavy and he tried to enter me. I say no we can't. He said ok. Then after over an hour of messing around he says "baby I'm all yours". And then initiated again. I say are you sure it's ok? He says yes. Well something told me it wasn't. I stopped him. And then I tell him if this is what's gonna happen I don't want to share him going forward. He says he can't promise that. That being exclusive is like "purgatory". I had to go back to work anyway so I slowly and with class gather my things and tell him I had to get going.

 

He started texting after I left. He wanted to make sure I was ok. I told him I was upset that he lied to me to get me to have sex with him. He said "I'm all yours" was just about his body during that hour and I misunderstood.

 

I told him I want to be exclusive with the person I sleep with. He said he understood. But since we don't know each other that well he couldn't promise me that.

 

He said he could promise to be with me and sleep with me. But still wanted to date other women too. I said I couldn't do that.

 

So we stopped talking now. He makes it out that I'm a prude.

 

Am I being unreasonable? I just need more feedback. I'm just very vulnerable right now.

 

 

 

We need to keep in mind this is a blended thread and that there are some different aspects when the two different threads on the same incident were joined together. I joined into this discussion at post #125 and had not read the other thread on the same incident. I am going of off this post as the introduction of the situation.

 

 

I do agree with you that some of his verbage is what they call, "The Potomac Two-Step" in Washington DC which is basically trying to tell someone what they want to hear but still giving yourself a backdoor in case you need to backpedal later. I'll give you that. He is kind of a worm in that respect.

 

 

However he has made it chrystal clear from the outset that his interest in you is primarily sexual. I've been married for 18 years and to this day I haven't called up my wife and told I wanted to blindfold her and give her a massage and here he was doing this for third date! And this was after asking you when you were going to bang him which he asked on the second date.

 

 

c'mon, you knew this guy was a horndog after some poontang. He was making your jay-jay tingle and you were looking for justification to get it on and he just couldn't shut his mouth enough to get you there.

[Under The Radar]

UTR looks askance on turdballs.

 

 

My vocabulary has really improved because of this site .

Edited March 6, 2014 by Training Revelations