Mommame2 Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 I met an amazing guy 2 weeks ago. He is newly divorced. He has taken me to dinner twice but the other handful of times , he invited me to his house. Things got physical fast. I stopped short of sex. Yesterday I told him that I would only have sex with someone when we are in an exclusive/solid relationship. His response was part of him wants to take commitment slow and measured but everything in him wanted to jump in 100 percent. I said I understood. So today he invited me over again. He greeted me with a cocktail. We started getting physical and I stopped him a few times to slow down. He said "I'm all yours".... So we started having sex. But I stopped him. He asked why. I said that I was scared of getting hurt and that I wanted to be super sure I wouldn't have to share him. He said that he's "getting there" and that he took down his online dating profile because he said "you were right there's nothing out there on that site". So I was stunned. I got up and started getting dressed. He said that he is totally into me but that it's like "purgatory" committing.... To not dating others. I continued to get up and get dressed. He kept taking about how amazing our bond was (and it really was unbelievable). But I had to leave anyway because I had to get back to work. Anyway I was crushed with the words he chose. I left and he started texting me compulsively. He was worried that something was wrong. I told him that I really liked him bit that I didn't feel being exclusive with me would be purgatory and if that's the case... This won't work. I told him I wish him the very best and I don't want to force him into a place he doesn't want to be in. He apologized for his poor choice of words. Said that the "I'm all yours" was meant in the physical sense not relationship sense. And that he was really sorry. He said he didn't want to stop seeing me or "being one". So I told him I need the night to stop my head from spinning and that I care for him and treasure our connection. But that I needed sleep to get perspective. So can someone help me here? I like this guy. But his words hurt me especially since they led me to have sex, when I would normally not have done. Should I keep seeing him? Such a great connection... Which kills me now. I'm so disappointed. Link to post Share on other sites
SunnySide0418 Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 He clearly isn't ready to commit to one woman so why put yourself through it? You'll probably always be wondering. He said he meant he was all yours physically but not in a relationship? Not sure what that means. But that purgatory comment was rude. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mommame2 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Share Posted February 24, 2014 The physical comment was "in the moment" he said. Like at that time I could have all of his body. Not past that hour though, it seems. He did apologize for what he called a poor choice of words and said that he doesn't want this to stop us from building and growing our amazing connection. My thing is he new I didn't want have sec without exclusively. Then he said "baby I'm all yours" after I stopped him while in the moment. I felt misled. Link to post Share on other sites
Conners Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 wow you stopped in the middle of sex. I'll be suprised if he ever calls you again after the second time when he nails you for real. Wait more than two dates next time you have sex with someone if you really like them! Going over to his house where he tries to liquor you up doesn't count as a date more like an attempt to get in your pants. An obvious attempt no doubt. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Come on now....2 weeks... You cant know someone for that little bit of time and really expect exclusivity. You barely know the guy. Next time really get to know someone if youre worried about being exclusive before sex. 2 weeks isnt long enough. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mommame2 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Share Posted February 24, 2014 (edited) Well I told him I wanted to stop and talk to make sure it was right. He then just stared into my eyes for awhile and didn't say anything and then rolled off. So we laid there for a bit and then I reminded him that I had to be back at work. He knew that already... So it wasn't like I was leaving because of what he did. You think I was rude? I was just very hurt. Should I try to talk this out with him? And I was prepared to keep dating without exclusivity but no sex. So that's why I thought he was on same path since I kept stopping him. Edited February 24, 2014 by Mommame2 Link to post Share on other sites
Conners Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Well I told him I wanted to stop and talk to make sure it was right. He then just stared into my eyes for awhile and didn't say anything and then rolled off. So we laid there for a bit and then I reminded him that I had to be back at work. He knew that already... So it wasn't like I was leaving because of what he did. You think I was rude? I was just very hurt. Should I try to talk this out with him? I don't think you were rude, it's just that I think from a guys point of view he may be thinking a long the lines of "oh god here we go with the emotional crap when I was just about to get my dick wet, now I have to put in the ground work with a new chick if she won't do it without the commitment" I'm a girl but I have a lot of guys friends and the way they talk to eachother about girls is shocking and eye opening haha. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mommame2 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Share Posted February 24, 2014 I gotcha. Well he already had his payoff long before. We had been laying around together for over an hour. So he was already fully satisfied. We had an amazing connection. ( Link to post Share on other sites
Conners Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 I gotcha. Well he already had his payoff long before. We had been laying around together for over an hour. So he was already fully satisfied. We had an amazing connection. ( Oh well lucky him I know it may seem like you have an amazing connection but it could just be the excitement of getting to know someone new..? and then that kinda fades. I know when you really like someone it seems that way but it could be one sided as us girls tend to be more emotional and "deep". A friend of mine said the same thing just today about a guy she had slept with twice and NO dates.. and she's wondering why he hasn't called her and she kept going on about their connection and passion and I couldn't help but roll me eyes. Just slow it down with the guy and don't have sex with him until he proves he's 100% committed and you know him better. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Why in the hell are you putting yourself in that situation...AGAIN, if you didn't want to have sex, and then started having sex...when you wanted exclusivity first? You're weak, this guys going to roll right over you with charm...you seem like the type of girl that plays that game of "I don't want to be hurt" and for men they're just like "Yeah yeah whatever, take off your clothes"...the guy isn't ready to commit, he's made that clear, so in what in the hell do you think is going to happen differently? you think because you are repeating yourself this is going to somehow change things? and then you stop sex after the guy is in you? If you don't want to have sex, then don't have sex...you're just being ridiculous and showing little self-control, which this guy is definitely not going to respect you for no matter what he tells you, he's deliberately ignoring the words out of your mouth because you're weak and they seem like just words, but now you're acting out and going back and forth because of an "amazing" connection. You need to make up your own damn mind, and most women in your situation would just "see where it goes" anyway, this is just the little squabble of trying to protect yourself before you get intimate because you "know you attach after sex" and all of that...which you will, and then you'll be in the dark for about 3 months just not even capable of using your brain anymore hardly while you're into the whirlwind romance. If you can't walk away, or stand your ground, then you're just going to manipulated into doing what the guy wants...any sign of weakness and that guy will do and say anything to get through that door, without having to commit, he'll just pull that card later, that's all...plus he already told you from the get go, the guy isn't going to date you without sex and he's playing the field anyway. You're just another one of those say one thing then do another, and men know how to get around that little problem, it's more like a delay/nuisance...of course they'd never admit that to you, and why would they...they're not retarded, this guy is going to try and swoon you, but if he's smart he can easily get you back on the hook and even harder. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Barbarossa Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 "oh god here we go with the emotional crap when I was just about to get my dick wet, now I have to put in the ground work with a new chick if she won't do it without the commitment" I'm a girl but I have a lot of guys friends and the way they talk to eachother about girls is shocking and eye opening haha. Lol your quote is pretty accurate for players I totally thought you were a guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SJC2008 Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 What makes him amazing? Especially since you've only known him for two weeks. Why do you feel there is such a great connection? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 I agree with the others OP, if you want to wait until you know someone better, you shouldn't go to his house. It just makes you look weak allowing yourself to get into that position. If you are scared of getting hurt, get to know him first. I think someone like this guy would give up quite quickly without sex if you were expecting proper dates. He would fade probably after a handful if he felt his actions and words were going to be closely scrutinised. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Come on now....2 weeks... You cant know someone for that little bit of time and really expect exclusivity. You barely know the guy. Next time really get to know someone if youre worried about being exclusive before sex. 2 weeks isnt long enough. Actually, a few guys I know were smitten with a girl within the first 2 weeks that they met. Sometimes there's simply a clear winner; trying to date others would just be fruitless since the one person is on your mind. I tend to date less and wait for guys who feel that way about me. My good friends boyfriend slept around a lot. He wasn't looking for a relationship; the day he met her, everything changed. He immediately wanted to stop sleeping around and see where things went with her...... Not everyone needs more than a couple of weeks to know if they want to " focus on one person" Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 You shouldn't have gone to his house. You should walk the walk to match the talk; if you demand exclusivity and a relationship before sex, then you wait for that BEFORE having sex. Don't go to a guys house unless you're ready to fool around and possibly have sex. He handed you a cocktail for crying out loud, as you entered! He has fooled around with you before without any talk of being exclusive; he clearly thinks he has free rein on your vagina without actually thinking you're relationship material yet. Please stick to your morals, they are classy and help prevent you being used for sex and company. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
bene Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 If you don't want to have sex before you are exclusive, don't go to his house because you are sending the message that it is OK for him to make a move. Somewhere I read a piece of advise that the beginning of the relationship is the time you set the boundaries and show what you want and how you want to be treated. This will set the tone for the future. When you have just met the guy doesn't know you and it is up to you to establish who you are and what you expect. If your expectations match, good for you. If not then it isn't meant to be and good for you that you discovered it early. All this starting and stopping sex just sends wrong signals that you don't know what you want. In the middle of sex is not the time or place to start a conversation about your relationship status. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Not sure why you think you have an amazing connection with a weasel. It's time to put the fairy tales aside... most guys who push for early sex aren't that into you. They really aren't. How could they be? You are just strangers. Just about anyone with decent communication skills can manufacture an 'amazing connection'. It's not that hard. They write books on how to do it. Heck, the time tested "How to make friends and influence people" was the original. Time is the only real test. They need to be consistent in words and actions. So do you if you want to attract the same. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Conners Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Not sure why you think you have an amazing connection with a weasel. It's time to put the fairy tales aside... most guys who push for early sex aren't that into you. They really aren't. How could they be? You are just strangers. Just about anyone with decent communication skills can manufacture an 'amazing connection'. It's not that hard. They write books on how to do it. Heck, the time tested "How to make friends and influence people" was the original. Time is the only real test. They need to be consistent in words and actions. So do you if you want to attract the same. I agree that a real gentleman who respect and like you enough will not pressure sex. I was seeing a guy once and I wasn't sure if I liked him enough to date him because I was in a bad place at the time but we were mainly friends and hung out and did some other things besides sex. One night I crashed at his house after a party and was unbelievably wasted and just took all my clothes off and tried to have sex with him and he nearly did it but stopped and said I can't do this with the state your in and I know you might not want this sober. ^ THAT'S A DECENT GUY. I wish i stayed with him actually. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mommame2 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Share Posted February 24, 2014 Okay I get it. It's my fault. So what should I do now? Should I take his calls? See him again? Or just tell him to look me up when he's ready to date only me? Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Or just tell him to look me up when he's ready to date only me? Why would you say that to someone who isn't ready to date only you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Conners Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Okay I get it. It's my fault. So what should I do now? Should I take his calls? See him again? Or just tell him to look me up when he's ready to date only me? I'm sorry if everyone seems harsh on you. There are just a lot of red flags here. 1) He's newly divorced - may be looking for a rebound 2) He only took you out twice, the rest of the time he just invited you to his house - doesn't seem like he's willing to wine and dine you like you deserve 3) He was careless with his words and didn't want to 100% fully commit to you - just because he says he won't sleep with other girls, it might not be true ya know? He can still do it without feeling guilt because you're not exclusive. You know what, he is still persistent in contacting you which might be a good sign.. however just be wary that he won't just use you for sex and a good rebound. If you really like him just be cautious and do not put out until your absolutely sure he's earned it. x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 meh, I'd say let this one go. He's already declared his intentions. He has no intentions of being exclusive. Never did. The 'on the path to commitment' guys... HA! that's the oldest trick in the book. Gets women like you who are relationship oriented to have NSA sex so that they can keep playing the field. Don't worry about why and don't accept any backsliding BS on his part... because he's already shown he will say whatever he wants in the moment to try and push you past your boundaries... and any future dates will end up being more of a power struggle, manipulation, or game, than sincerely getting to know each other. This guy isn't about building intimacy. He's about getting laid... with strangers. Again, why do you want a guy like that? What is so captivating about a guy who wants to have sex with near strangers and as many as possible?? Please, tell us. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mommame2 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Share Posted February 24, 2014 Okay I agree. So how do I proceed here? Take his calls? Tell him what exactly? I clearly feel like a fool but I would like to move forward with class. Whether I talk/see him again or not. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Okay I agree. So how do I proceed here? Take his calls? Tell him what exactly? I clearly feel like a fool but I would like to move forward with class. Whether I talk/see him again or not. Do nothing. I don't think you owe him a response. You said what you were looking for, he said what he was looking for and your goals don't align. Done. If you respond back with anything other than "I'm no longer interested in pursuing this. Good luck!" he will try to talk you out of it. That's how these kinds of guys are. If you respond with "our goals are not in line", he will likely respond with lots of mindless chatter and try to invite you out again to change your mind and see if he can take another shot at you physically. Don't take the bait. If you respond with "let me know when you are ready to be exclusive" you can bet he will call when he has a dry spell, and then lie to you about being exclusive. Seriously.. this guy hasn't shown any respect for you really. You don't owe him squat. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mommame2 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Share Posted February 24, 2014 This is so difficult because I think he's genuinely a nice guy and has been very sweet and compassionate. We sat and talked on the phone for hours... But he knew exactly where I stood on the sex issue. Yet he still tried .. After I had said no how many times. Coincidentally it was after he said "baby you have all of me..." I just think that him telling me that the hormones just took over and that he planned on holding off... Is probably only a half truth. He handed me vodka when I walked in. That's all I need to know right? He knows I rarely drink ... Not responding to him or his texts is going to be SO hard. So I'm grateful for any feedback I can get here ...to make I'm doing the right thing. I'm such a fool. Link to post Share on other sites
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