MissTrudy Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 I decided I was ready to break NC. While it still hurts sometimes, the hurt doesn't really come from pain he caused but pain I caused myself in that relationship and other past relationships. Time has passed and I started to think more clearly and rationally about the entire situation, and I really sat down and WROTE down what I wanted and what went wrong. Reflecting on that gave me a lot of clarity, clarity I wish I had before I dumped him. Anyway, I am interested in talking about this with him, apologizing for whatever hurt I caused, and asking him if he wants to try again. So this is how it has played out thus far: I broke NC last week via text, and he responded pretty quickly (within the hour), and kindly. It was positive and trying to be enthusiastic... hard to explain but I just got the sense that it wasn't genuinely enthusiastic. He responded to a later text the next day, again with the same type of response: kind, positive, and straight to the point without revealing too much. After that I flat out asked him if we could talk. I didn't reveal my motive or anything, I guess because I didn't want to overwhelm him, and since then I haven't heard back. It's been about 3 days. I am slightly anxious, wondering if he is scared/confused or purposely ignoring me for some other reason. I think that I should wait for him to respond before contacting him again, and keep going on with my life as I have been when we were NC, but is this the best plan of action if I want to try getting back with him now? Do I contact him again with more information as to why I want to talk? I am very aware of the possibility that he might no longer be interested or ready to talk to me about our relationship (I am sure he knows that why I want to talk to him has something to do with us, only a fool would think otherwise), hence why I am treading carefully and trying not to invest too much into it. I've been okay so far, I am being realistically hopeful.
Xemyd Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Honestly, since you've asked to talk, I'd wait for him to reply. And if he doesn't, I don't think anything will change his mind.
r321148 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Well if he came on here and asked for advice on what to do over the text you sent everyone would say "breadcrumb ignore it". Maybe he did that? You might get some better advice if you give a few details on how and why you broke up, How long you've been apart etc.
Winter blue Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 If I were your ex, I would most likely just ignore you. Really depends on why and how you broke up, did you hurt him badly? was there cheating? any deal breakers etc. I hate it when my ex reached out to me after 5 months NC, she pretend like nothing happened and asking me out for coffee and movie. I laughed at her email and declined the offer three days later. To be honest, if she doesn't show her intention clearly, I'm not going to speak to her again. As the dumper, you do need to try harder OP. 3
Simon Phoenix Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Since you were the dumper, you have to go out on more of a limb than you are on right now. You need to be more forthright and have to put yourself at risk. You need to make nearly 100 percent of the effort. 3
David87 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 You just send him a breadcrumb. As a dumper who wants her ex back I suggest being more direct. Tell him that you want him back, that you still have strong feelings and even go to his house if you have to. Don't wait for him to respond, because that may never happen, just try harder. 1
David87 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Personally, I'm terrified that my last ex ever tries to talk to me again. I have seen her from a distance once since starting NC and I instantly get all sweaty, my heart starts racing, and I get genuinely furious. My subconscious tends to hate my ex worse than my consciousness... I just want her to keep her distance and I don't care what she has to say. That's because your BU happened recently.
Author MissTrudy Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 Long story short, he was still hurt over his ex and while we were taking things slow because of that, it probably wasn't slow enough so when he started pulling away I broke it off immediately without much discussion. We didn't fight, cheat, or anything like that. He apologized for pulling away and I told him I can't date him if he doesn't act serious about me. Our relationship was about 3 months long and we broke up a little over a month ago...he broke NC once and we had a pretty engaging discussion but not about our issues, and afterwards I told him we shouldn't talk anymore, and he agreed. That was a month ago? Then I broke NC recently. You all are right, I do need to be more direct and persistent while letting him collect his thoughts. I sent him another message last night telling him that I was sorry and that I still believe in him and us, and that I am sorry for acting like I did not have faith in our relationship anymore. I tried to be as direct and concise as possible while still being informative...i got what was a huge monologue down to three clear sentences and sent it to him. No response yet. But I also realized that he hasn't been online for the past few days (according to a program we both use) so he might be super busy with something/on a trip and that is why he hasn't gotten back to me yet. Again though I am trying not to read into it too much, and just keep going on with my life. Honestly, it felt good to get that off my chest, to let him know that I am not mad at him, that I still care about him and I have cared about him since we broke up... and I guess the ball is in his court now? I understand that he is hurting from me (and probably from his stupid psycho ex too) so now I think it's time to wait it out. If he wants to talk, he will talk, I hope. If he doesn't he will continue ignoring me (which isn't really like him, but whatever) or will (I hope) tell me to leave him alone. Now I just have to keep calm and carry on. If I could I would go to his place and apologize. But he lives kind of far away and I don't have a car
Minneloa Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 If I could I would go to his place and apologize. But he lives kind of far away and I don't have a car Even if he lived close, this is a bad idea, borderline stalking. You are broken up and he is not responding to your texts. Let it be. 1
WantanS4 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Honestly, it felt good to get that off my chest, to let him know that I am not mad at him, that I still care about him and I have cared about him since we broke up... and I guess the ball is in his court now? I understand that he is hurting from me (and probably from his stupid psycho ex too) so now I think it's time to wait it out. If he wants to talk, he will talk, I hope. If he doesn't he will continue ignoring me (which isn't really like him, but whatever) or will (I hope) tell me to leave him alone. Now I just have to keep calm and carry on. Wrong, balls in your court. He's not on the court anymore. Gotta work for what you want. And he needs to see you do that. Right now, I would be like "Huh, whatever. Crazy b!tch doesn't know what she wants." Try again, but be mature about it. Don't say "Did you see that text I sent you!?!" or "OMG WE REALLY NEED TO TALK!!!!" Try three times total, that's my rule. If nothing materializes, you have your answer and you can walk away with the satisfaction of "I tried." BE MATURE ABOUT IT!
Zahara Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 OP, I don't even think the responsibility lies solely on you to win this guy back. Based on why you ended things, I believe that he too has to bear the responsibility of winning you back. You had every right to end it with him. How you ended isn't the issue but why you ended. The man was still hurt from his ex, emotionally unavailable and pulling away. I'd run the other way if I was in a situation that was making me feel insecure. Any person with two brain cells cannot blame you for reacting the way you did. If anything, he should be jumping at your attempt to reconcile and try again. I can't help but wonder if he's still stuck somewhere in the past, therefore cannot respond appropriately to your contact. 3
Zahara Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 If I could I would go to his place and apologize. But he lives kind of far away and I don't have a car Do not do this. 1
Author MissTrudy Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 Do not do this. haha no worries, i am not going to. it would be super weird. i haven't done anything stalkerish and i have no intentions to do anything crazy. Wrong, balls in your court. He's not on the court anymore. Gotta work for what you want. And he needs to see you do that. Right now, I would be like "Huh, whatever. Crazy b!tch doesn't know what she wants." Try again, but be mature about it. Don't say "Did you see that text I sent you!?!" or "OMG WE REALLY NEED TO TALK!!!!" Try three times total, that's my rule. If nothing materializes, you have your answer and you can walk away with the satisfaction of "I tried." BE MATURE ABOUT IT! I have been mature about this and I have no intention to do anything crazy, and I have a hard time seeing how repeatedly contacting him when he is being unresponsive counts as persistent, and not crazy. Even if the messages are mature, I have said everything that I needed to say already and I can repeat it over and over again but is that really going to make me come off as less of a "crazy bitch?" Instead it's like me having a dialogue with myself. If you have any ideas as to how I can be persistent without being nagging, I am all ears. As it stands now, I think it's best to wait a while before contacting him again. I disagree with you about the ball being in his court. I put myself in a vulnerable situation and gave him, the dumpee, some power over me. I am fine with that, I knew that going in I would need to make myself vulnerable and I was willing to do it for him. True, maybe he has checked out of the game, but me throwing the ball at him over and over again isn't going to make him want to play.
Author MissTrudy Posted February 24, 2014 Author Posted February 24, 2014 OP, I don't even think the responsibility lies solely on you to win this guy back. Based on why you ended things, I believe that he too has to bear the responsibility of winning you back. You had every right to end it with him. How you ended isn't the issue but why you ended. The man was still hurt from his ex, emotionally unavailable and pulling away. I'd run the other way if I was in a situation that was making me feel insecure. Any person with two brain cells cannot blame you for reacting the way you did. If anything, he should be jumping at your attempt to reconcile and try again. I can't help but wonder if he's still stuck somewhere in the past, therefore cannot respond appropriately to your contact. Thank you Zahara, I really needed to hear this. I agree with you fully. I want to work through things, I did then and I do now, but then I was so upset that I gave up momentarily. I have a feeling that he might just be generally confused and even though I want him, he might not be ready to try again, and he can't respond to me. I am going to give him space just as I asked him to give me space. I hope he contacts me with something but I know in the past he was hesitant about opening up because he was afraid of screwing things up with me (he always did open up though, and it was always fine until the last time) so it could be the same type of thing going on now, I can only speculate.
Zahara Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 (edited) Thank you Zahara, I really needed to hear this. I agree with you fully. I want to work through things, I did then and I do now, but then I was so upset that I gave up momentarily. I have a feeling that he might just be generally confused and even though I want him, he might not be ready to try again, and he can't respond to me. I am going to give him space just as I asked him to give me space. I hope he contacts me with something but I know in the past he was hesitant about opening up because he was afraid of screwing things up with me (he always did open up though, and it was always fine until the last time) so it could be the same type of thing going on now, I can only speculate. Being with someone that is emotionally unavailable can be very difficult to cope with. It causes so much insecurity to the one that is emotionally invested and available in the relationship. I understand why you ended it. He's not stupid to not understand why you did it, not for reasons being that you didn't care/love him but because as you mentioned to him, you couldn't date someone that wasn't emotionally available to you. He's a smart guy. He's been in a relationship. He knows how this works. You said what you had to say. You should leave it and allow him to step up and play his part, if he wants to. There is nothing more that you should do. As I said, he has equal responsibility in trying to win you back and that means giving you what you initially desired -- a present and emotionally available partner. The other thing is, it's a very risky place to be in when you date someone that is struggling with heartbreak. You never want to be a rebound -- someone that fills that temporary void of a broken heart. Be careful. Edited February 24, 2014 by Zahara 2
WantanS4 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Even if the messages are mature, I have said everything that I needed to say already... I disagree with you about the ball being in his court. I put myself in a vulnerable situation and gave him, the dumpee, some power over me. I am fine with that, I knew that going in I would need to make myself vulnerable and I was willing to do it for him. True, maybe he has checked out of the game, but me throwing the ball at him over and over again isn't going to make him want to play. No, I'm sorry, my mistake. You stated your case. If he's unresponsive, his loss. I would say you give it some time, like you said. He's likely mulling it over or discussing his course of action with his cohorts.
BC1980 Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 He doesn't sound interested, or maybe he is mulling over his options. Either way, I would not contact him again. It's his turn.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 24, 2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Yeah, I would let him make the next move, or at least give him several weeks to let that message marinate. You have to know when to push and when to step back. You gave it a good push with this one -- now it's time to hang back until you get a green light. 2
Author MissTrudy Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 Did you ever hear back from your ex? No, I haven't heard back from him. I don't want to give up hope on a second chance with him but I am starting to see that possibility fade away. And yes it's sad but I am starting to come to terms with it which is good. I cried too much about it and I don't have tears left. I waiver between emotions now, I've gotten to the point where I am kind of angry because he said communication was so important to him yet he didn't have the decency to respond to me. I don't really know what I should do. It's just been a week but I know he saw the message, he just hasn't responded. I don't know if I should reach out to him again or just leave him alone. I don't want to give up but I am starting to feel resigned. Like, I haven't gone out on any dates with anyone else but I have considered it more seriously than I was considering it a few weeks ago. I need to start thinking about moving on.
Author MissTrudy Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 Leave it and move forward. i am trying, but it's easier said than done :/ I have good days and bad days but the last few days have been pretty bad.
AlphaC Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Leave it and move forward. Listen Misstrudy, I think Zahara gave you really good advice. You are seeing this guy through rose colored glasses, wake up!! 1st You date this guy for a few months while he is still crying for his ex, thus you are not getting what you bargained for. You were seeking a relationship, he was seeking a pillow to cry on. Have some respect for yourself, a little dignity too, don't settle for a man who will use you. Yes his ex is crazy, all exes are crazy, all of em, , whatever!! 2nd. This guy pulled away from you, this means when you started questioning his behavior he wanted to break up with you. It's pretty clear he accepted your decision to break up. For example, he didn't come fighting back, he wasn't hurt, he didn't beg for a second chance, did he?? Instead you break up with him because you hope by doing so he will miss you and forget about the ex that he is crying for. Unfortunately that didn't happen, and now you are calling, texting and about to be stalking him. Notice how he is just like was during your so called relationship ---> UNAVAILABLE. MissTrudy find yourself a man that wants you, that is free of drama, don't start a relationship under these circumstances (you were his rebound, he was hoping for his ex to come back, I have done this too and I feel bad for it). You are lucky to have only "messed" yes that's what you were with this cat, you guys were "messing around" for a few months. Lesson learned, no Biggie, move on to a real man now. Peace 3
Author MissTrudy Posted March 7, 2014 Author Posted March 7, 2014 Listen Misstrudy, I think Zahara gave you really good advice. You are seeing this guy through rose colored glasses, wake up!! 1st You date this guy for a few months while he is still crying for his ex, thus you are not getting what you bargained for. You were seeking a relationship, he was seeking a pillow to cry on. Have some respect for yourself, a little dignity too, don't settle for a man who will use you. Yes his ex is crazy, all exes are crazy, all of em, , whatever!! 2nd. This guy pulled away from you, this means when you started questioning his behavior he wanted to break up with you. It's pretty clear he accepted your decision to break up. For example, he didn't come fighting back, he wasn't hurt, he didn't beg for a second chance, did he?? Instead you break up with him because you hope by doing so he will miss you and forget about the ex that he is crying for. Unfortunately that didn't happen, and now you are calling, texting and about to be stalking him. Notice how he is just like was during your so called relationship ---> UNAVAILABLE. MissTrudy find yourself a man that wants you, that is free of drama, don't start a relationship under these circumstances (you were his rebound, he was hoping for his ex to come back, I have done this too and I feel bad for it). You are lucky to have only "messed" yes that's what you were with this cat, you guys were "messing around" for a few months. Lesson learned, no Biggie, move on to a real man now. Peace i know i know, this all makes sense when i rationalize this, and while i don't agree with the minutia of your conclusions completely i agree with the take home points regarding his unavailability towards the end and now. i am trying my best to get over him and come to face the facts, the fact that he didn't respond to my request to talk, but did respond to my more "breadcrumb" messages is telling. i didn't hassle or stalk him or anything like that and I know better than to do that. He is not interested for whatever reason, and I can't change that. and i shouldn't occupy myself with figuring out why or changing that.
Allumere Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 For example, he didn't come fighting back, he wasn't hurt, he didn't beg for a second chance, did he?? Instead you break up with him because you hope by doing so he will miss you and forget about the ex that he is crying for. Unfortunately that didn't happen, and now you are calling, texting and about to be stalking him. Notice how he is just like was during your so called relationship ---> UNAVAILABLE. ...and that's because he probably came to a site like this that states NO CONTACT, especially if the dumpee. That if he did come back and fought, cried, etc., he would then be showing he is too needy, clingy, etc. That he needs to work on himself first..etc., etc., etc., So now because he did nothing (which is what is advised consistently) he is the loser or doesn't care. I got your point and there seemed to be some issues in the relationship to question his investment so it is possible that he is just done but it just struck me the contradiction based on what is recommended over and over again whether it's on LS or other relationship forums. 1
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