When he talks to other women who he knows want him.

[Hopeful30]

A particular woman was once relentless to get him and tried to make me jealous. It didn't work. He got so sick of her advances he basically told her to back off (in front of me and once again when she hit on him after that). YET, he talks to her behind my back. I find out after asking if she still bothers him, he said they chat once in a while over a social network, and then when I told him I wasn't happy about that, he said it's no big deal and that I'm overreacting.

 

Um... when you're in a committed relationship, you put up a wall when someone else tries to interfere. But clearly he isn't doing that, even if his chats with this particular woman are "hi, how are you, good, nice talking bye". He says she's not interested anymore, but come on, why would she keep contacting him then? I know he isn't cheating, but if he's allowing this particular contact then to me he isn't serious about keeping our relationship monogamous. After telling her off so many times why would you even bother responding to friendly messages? He knows I wouldn't be happy with that, but he did it anyways. I don't get it.

 

I mean if you're with a girl, then you obviously stop chatting with women who you know really want to take you away from your girl... right? And if you don't, well.... I have reason to be suspicious, or am I overreacting in that too?

 

(And yes, he was honest with me and told me the truth which I told him I appreciated, but f*ck man, I don't have time to ask you a billion questions just so you share these things with me, it should be standard that if something affects me like this, you tell me right away without me having to find out on my own. I've told him this, and he still doesn't f*cking get it. How can I not be clear enough if every time you do this sh*t I end up getting hurt? Like isn't it obvious "When I do this, I upset my gf" or does he just not care? This isn't the first time I've told him this... and I'm really starting to distrust him because I keep having to find out things on my own.)

[gaius]

I wouldn't worry about it that much unless he's seeing her in person. I get your annoyance with the situation but most guys do not want a girlfriend that desperate. Huge turn off. Doesn't mean you don't enjoy the ego boost of interacting with her and knowing she exists though.

[Eternal Sunshine]

He gets an ego boost from it. Yeah, that stuff really bothers me too. I wouldn't be doing that if the roles were reversed...

[Hopeful30]

I wouldn't worry about it that much unless he's seeing her in person. I get your annoyance with the situation but most guys do not want a girlfriend that desperate. Huge turn off. Doesn't mean you don't enjoy the ego boost of interacting with her and knowing she exists though.

 

I'm much prettier than she is, much more intelligent. How am I not enough of an ego boost? Why does he need it if he's happy with me?

[Emilia]

I'm much prettier than she is, much more intelligent. How am I not enough of an ego boost? Why does he need it if he's happy with me?

That's not how it works.

 

He could be a guy who didn't always have much success with women and now that he does, he wants to keep enjoying it.

 

Maybe he doesn't have very high standards and just welcomes attention from any, even someone who isn't as pretty or smart as you are. Maybe she has something he has a thing for. A big ass, a particular kind of personality, etc.

 

It's something I would look out for.

[soccerrprp]

... he said it's no big deal and that I'm overreacting.

 

TRANSLATION: I'm not ready to listen to your concerns and I have no plans to change what I'm doing, so get over it.

[almond]

I'm thankfully not prone to jealousy, but this would definitely bother me.

 

I feel that it's disrespectful to continue communicating with a girl that doesn't respect your partner, or your relationship. And this is exactly what your boyfriend is doing.

 

The fact that he dismissed your concerns like that is troubling. I think you need to sit him down and have a serious conversation about this. If he continues to flat out refuse to understand where you're coming from, then it doesn't bode well for your relationship. You need to try and understand why he feels the need to talk to her even though he knows that you are upset by it. Does he feel restricted or controlled by you? Does he genuinely feel that you are overreacting? Do just as much listening as you do talking. Real listening. And ask him for the same in return.

 

You guys need to be able to respect and understand each other, and be on the same page with things like this. Talk this one out, or resentment will start creeping in.

[RedRobin]

It's anyone's guess why he is doing this, and doesn't really help you to try and read his mind.

 

 

What concerns me is that he knows it bothers you and he keeps doing it... and doesn't seem to have a viable response why this particular woman must remain in his life.

 

 

It seems he might be developing a pattern of disrespect... this isn't behavior that builds intimacy or trust.

 

 

If I were you, I would not internalize his behavior or get angry. His behavior has nothing to do with you. How you react to it is 100% in your control though. If he continues to do things like this, it does put up a wall and make it more difficult for you to trust him. If he's interested in building trust, he will listen to your concerns, within reason. If he's more interested in keeping a leg up, having some kind of power struggle, or teaching you some kind of lesson... than he probably won't be receptive, and that's fine. People who are more concerned with power vs building intimacy are not good bets for a LTR anyway. Good for you to find out sooner rather than later.

 

 

Here's a question... do you have guys you are in touch with? any guy friends of yours that he hasn't met or doesn't approve of?

 

 

If you don't, then this may be a compatibility/values issue. If you do, then perhaps he's just doing a little tit-for-tat. In any case, it should be something you can talk about and resolve. If not, then you have differences in values or goals and your relationship will not continue unless some agreement can be reached.

 

 

In other words, I don't think this is anything you need to 'get over'. It's a point of negotiation and an opportunity to understand your mutual goals and values.

[gaius]

I'm much prettier than she is, much more intelligent. How am I not enough of an ego boost? Why does he need it if he's happy with me?

Sometimes we can't get absolutely everything we want from one person, even if they're perfect and haven't done anything wrong. You see it all the time in one form or another. Even here! Lost count of the guys who talk about how much they love their wives/girlfriends in one thread and then pile into the sexual forum to talk to some young girl about her orgasms.

 

I have a friend like your boyfriend does but she only hears from me when things aren't going well or I'm being ignored. So I guess on some level you're right, he shouldn't need her. But he does for whatever reason. Why? I dunno.

[Hopeful30]

That's not how it works.

 

He could be a guy who didn't always have much success with women and now that he does, he wants to keep enjoying it.

 

Maybe he doesn't have very high standards and just welcomes attention from any, even someone who isn't as pretty or smart as you are. Maybe she has something he has a thing for. A big ass, a particular kind of personality, etc.

 

It's something I would look out for.

 

She's all over him and treats him like a god. I'm not like this. We've fought because he doesn't understand why I'm not always initiating sex or getting jealous for him.

 

I'm thankfully not prone to jealousy, but this would definitely bother me.

 

I feel that it's disrespectful to continue communicating with a girl that doesn't respect your partner, or your relationship. And this is exactly what your boyfriend is doing.

 

The fact that he dismissed your concerns like that is troubling. I think you need to sit him down and have a serious conversation about this. If he continues to flat out refuse to understand where you're coming from, then it doesn't bode well for your relationship. You need to try and understand why he feels the need to talk to her even though he knows that you are upset by it. Does he feel restricted or controlled by you? Does he genuinely feel that you are overreacting? Do just as much listening as you do talking. Real listening. And ask him for the same in return.

 

You guys need to be able to respect and understand each other, and be on the same page with things like this. Talk this one out, or resentment will start creeping in.

 

That's the thing. I'm not the jealous type at all, and I'm not clingy or needy, which is why I'm surprised he's keeping in touch with a girl who is. Maybe he likes that attention and it makes him feel wanted. After all im the first girlfriend who isn't a drama queen and jealous woman who goes through all his stuff. Maybe thats what he likes.

 

 

 

Here's a question... do you have guys you are in touch with? any guy friends of yours that he hasn't met or doesn't approve of?

 

He knows about all my guy friends, I've always been very honest with him. I've even offered for him to meet my guy friends and he said no. Which is weird, cuz wouldn't you wanna know who they are? I've offered many times and he hasn't really cared to.

[Hopeful30]

Sometimes we can't get absolutely everything we want from one person, even if they're perfect and haven't done anything wrong. You see it all the time in one form or another. Even here! Lost count of the guys who talk about how much they love their wives/girlfriends in one thread and then pile into the sexual forum to talk to some young girl about her orgasms.

 

I have a friend like your boyfriend does but she only hears from me when things aren't going well or I'm being ignored. So I guess on some level you're right, he shouldn't need her. But he does for whatever reason. Why? I dunno.

 

Well I don't have time for guys who run to other women if they're unhappy about something. He obviously isn't mature enough to come talk to me about it (as proven by previous problems too) and I'm not about to tolerate it. I'm gonna break up with him. I've thought about it before but clearly he isn't getting the point.

[gaius]

That's the thing. I'm not the jealous type at all, and I'm not clingy or needy, which is why I'm surprised he's keeping in touch with a girl who is. Maybe he likes that attention and it makes him feel wanted. After all im the first girlfriend who isn't a drama queen and jealous woman who goes through all his stuff. Maybe thats what he likes.

I take back the I dunno, this sounds exactly right to me.

[StanMusial]

Well I don't have time for guys who run to other women if they're unhappy about something. He obviously isn't mature enough to come talk to me about it (as proven by previous problems too) and I'm not about to tolerate it. I'm gonna break up with him. I've thought about it before but clearly he isn't getting the point.

 

This reminds me of an ex gf of mine from years ago. As soon as didn't get her way over something she would pull some stunt trying to make me jealous. She was crazy. I found out after we broke up that she had been seeing psychiatrists not long before we started dating. That was a tough one to escape from, only minor damages though.

[Emilia]

She's all over him and treats him like a god. I'm not like this. We've fought because he doesn't understand why I'm not always initiating sex or getting jealous for him.

 

That's the thing. I'm not the jealous type at all, and I'm not clingy or needy, which is why I'm surprised he's keeping in touch with a girl who is. Maybe he likes that attention and it makes him feel wanted. After all im the first girlfriend who isn't a drama queen and jealous woman who goes through all his stuff. Maybe thats what he likes.

A manchild. Yuck, better off without him.

[Hopeful30]

I just spoke to him and told him I don't think things will work out cuz obviously he thinks it's okay to do some things and I don't.

 

His response?

 

"I understand what you're saying. Well if that's how you see things..."

 

Ouch. Not even a tiny fight to keep me. Now I just gotta keep reminding myself that this says nothing about me. It's all him.

 

But still... ouch. Am I not worth even a little bit of arguing to keep?

[soccerrprp]

I just spoke to him and told him I don't think things will work out cuz obviously he thinks it's okay to do some things and I don't.

 

His response?

 

"I understand what you're saying. Well if that's how you see things..."

 

Ouch. Not even a tiny fight to keep me. Now I just gotta keep reminding myself that this says nothing about me. It's all him.

 

But still... ouch. Am I not worth even a little bit of arguing to keep?

 

His response tells you all you need to know. No, for HIM, you are not worth the energy. Now, go NC and do not make the mistake of being pulled back into his web from breadcrumbs of flattery, apologies and sweet talk.

[Hopeful30]

His response tells you all you need to know. No, for HIM, you are not worth the energy. Now, go NC and do not make the mistake of being pulled back into his web from breadcrumbs of flattery, apologies and sweet talk.

 

lol

 

He never flattered me or sweet talked me. He doesn't know how to please a woman in that way.

 

I can't go no contact. We have a huge business project we are working on together. You don't know me well obviously, but I'm not the kind of person to be pulled back in. With all my breakups, if its my final decision that it remains my final decision. I've never once gone back and I won't with this guy. I deserve a man, not some boy. Might sound arrogant but I'm way better than that.

[soccerrprp]

lol

 

He never flattered me or sweet talked me. He doesn't know how to please a woman in that way.

 

I can't go no contact. We have a huge business project we are working on together. You don't know me well obviously, but I'm not the kind of person to be pulled back in. With all my breakups, if its my final decision that it remains my final decision. I've never once gone back and I won't with this guy. I deserve a man, not some boy. Might sound arrogant but I'm way better than that.

 

Sounds like no loss there. Too bad you have to work with him. Hope it works out and doesn't become uncomfortable at work.

[Hopeful30]

Sounds like no loss there. Too bad you have to work with him. Hope it works out and doesn't become uncomfortable at work.

 

Thank you I'm just surprised he's not putting up a fight. You don't impress my family and include me in your huge life plans if you're so unserious about me...

 

I just don't understand why it's so hard to find a real MAN and not someone who is f*cked up, insecure or has serious deep rooted problems that all affect relationships. If it's your own sh*t then fine, i'll be supportive and I get it, I have issues too. But for god sakes its not that hard to be an honest and open person...

Edited February 24, 2014 by Hopeful30

[soccerrprp]

Thank you I'm just surprised he's not putting up a fight. You don't impress my family and include me in your huge life plans if you're so unserious about me...

 

Guys (and gals) can really get caught up in the dating euphoria and do and say a lot of things w/o actually thinking them through. When I'm dating, I share my future goals and how someone may fit into them. Not too uncommon and not too strange. It's as though you're telling that person what your expectations are and where you see yourself with that person IF things work out. If you're meeting your SO's parents, why not impress? You certainly don't want to do the opposite. In the end, all of this has little meaning if your personal relationship that person is not working towards those goals.

 

The other thing I've noticed is that women are drawn in by "future talk." Guys use that to attract and keep the interest of the woman even if they are not truly serious about it.

[HappyLove]

Good for you for being strong and standing by your convictions. He's a jerk and showed you he was till the very end. Who wants a sneaky man who's disrespectful and needs another woman's attention? Good riddance.

[Keenly]

I'm going to have to disagree with all of these posters.

 

 

If he never cheated on you? And made it clear he was never into Anything more than friendship, than it was your jealousy of her and your trust issues that made this into an issue. He never actually did anything wrong, he just talked to a woman that talked to him. He even established boundaries with her.

 

 

Its not really ones place to tell the person they are dating " you can't talk to her anymore " . That's not your right. His response was so nonchalant because he feels like I feel. He's not about to argue with you over this because he thinks its lame, and he thinks is well if she really wants to break up over this, then that's fine.

 

 

If he never cheated on you, and never intended on cheating on you, then its your trust issues that are bothering you.

 

You don't ask some one to submit to your will.

 

Your " I'm much prettier than her " response is very telling. You are jealous of her, and you are letting it ruin what you two have. Rather than trusting him to remain faithful? You tried to remove trust from the equation by just forbidding him to speak to her, rather than letting him remain faithful on his own.

 

 

You're going to have to learn to trust explicitly sometimes, or you'll never see some ones true worth.

Edited February 24, 2014 by Keenly

[soccerrprp]

I'm going to have to disagree with all of these posters.

 

If he never cheated on you? And made it clear he was never into Anything more than friendship, than it was your jealousy of her and your trust issues that made this into an issue. He never actually did anything wrong, he just talked to a woman that talked to him. He even established boundaries with her.

 

Its not really ones place to tell the person they are dating " you can't talk to her anymore " . That's not your right. His response was so nonchalant because he feels like I feel. He's not about to argue with you over this because he thinks its lame, and he thinks is well if she really wants to break up over this, then that's fine.

 

If he never cheated on you, and never intended on cheating on you, then its your trust issues that are bothering you.

 

You don't ask some one to submit to your will.

 

Your " I'm much prettier than her " response is very telling. You are jealous of her, and you are letting it ruin what you two have. Rather than trusting him to remain faithful? You tried to remove trust from the equation by just forbidding him to speak to her, rather than letting him remain faithful on his own.

 

You're going to have to learn to trust explicitly sometimes, or you'll never see some ones true worth.

 

Keenly,

 

The OP says they are in a committed relationship. Exclusive. Not merely dating I presume. You don't think she has a right to feel slighted by his behavior and express her dissatisfaction that he's communicating with a woman that wants him and he does (did) so behind her back?

[Hopeful30]

I'm going to have to disagree with all of these posters.

 

 

If he never cheated on you? And made it clear he was never into Anything more than friendship, than it was your jealousy of her and your trust issues that made this into an issue. He never actually did anything wrong, he just talked to a woman that talked to him. He even established boundaries with her.

 

 

Its not really ones place to tell the person they are dating " you can't talk to her anymore " . That's not your right. His response was so nonchalant because he feels like I feel. He's not about to argue with you over this because he thinks its lame, and he thinks is well if she really wants to break up over this, then that's fine.

 

 

If he never cheated on you, and never intended on cheating on you, then its your trust issues that are bothering you.

 

You don't ask some one to submit to your will.

 

Your " I'm much prettier than her " response is very telling. You are jealous of her, and you are letting it ruin what you two have. Rather than trusting him to remain faithful? You tried to remove trust from the equation by just forbidding him to speak to her, rather than letting him remain faithful on his own.

 

 

You're going to have to learn to trust explicitly sometimes, or you'll never see some ones true worth.

 

That's not the point. The point is he makes an effort to hide these things. Even if he's not doing anything wrong, why keep this from me, ESPECIALLY if he knows this other woman has bad intentions?

 

But you're right. This is about trust. I trusted him 100% in the beginning and he broke that by lying to my face about seeing his ex. I gave a second chance. Now he's repeating the pattern.

 

Bye bye.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It's not trust issues if her bf already lied and gave her a reason not to trust him. It's called being wise.

 

And talking to some a woman that is interested in him while knowing full well that this is hurting his gf? C'mon.