His jealousy and insecurities are ruining the relationship and me?

[daizy]

I'm dating someone who's been through a lot, he has some level of anxiety and was previously cheated on. I didn't notice all this at first because he tries to seem calm, cool and collected but once we started getting serious ... not so much. He questions me whenever I'm texting or hanging out with a guy. The thing is I have always had more male friends, (like actual friendships, nothing flirting). This was never a problem with my ex but my current SO brings it up every time when I receive a message from a guy. Later he plays it off as if he's not jealous at all but I know how sensitive he can be now. The problem is I trusted him at first but now I can't seem to trust him back because he doubts me so much. I feel like.. (and I've seen it happen) where couples end up cheating on eachother out of insecurities and because they ~think~ the other persons doing it .. and I don't want to be caught in a relationship like that. I had a really healthy previous relationship so this is new territory to me. He's also really outgoing and flirtatious which puts me on edge (which normally wouldn't) but I know insecure people aren't to be always trusted? I also feel like he'll do something to spite me at times which is immature. I'm really stressed with school and on top of that this adds to my anxiety.. Now the thing is, I like him, so I want to make it work. I want to have a good talk with him about unhealthy it all feels. Has anyone dealt with this before and were you able to work it out? How should I talk to him without offending him?

[Tayken]

This was never a problem with my ex but my current SO brings it up every time when I receive a message from a guy.

 

Yes....it might not have been a "problem for your ex BF", but where is that bf today then...let me guess, he had enough and bailed?

 

You see what am getting at? Turn the table for a second on yourself, and you see a bunch of women texting this new guy...how would you feel?

 

I can guess for convenience sake...you will say "it won't bother you"

[daizy]

Yes....it might not have been a "problem for your ex BF", but where is that bf today then...let me guess, he had enough and bailed?

 

You see what am getting at? Turn the table for a second on yourself, and you see a bunch of women texting this new guy...how would you feel?

 

I can guess for convenience sake...you will say "it won't bother you"

 

No it was never an issue for sure. We broke up for entirely different reasons. My ex also had friends that were girls too. It was mutual. But my current BF not so much. I just want to make him comfortable now but I'm not sure how to approach it.

[d0nnivain]

I can't tolerate dealing with people like your new BF. I'm very loyal & don't cheat but the constant questioning grates on my nerves.

 

 

I would turn it around on your new guy a bit -- ask him what would make him feel OK about your male friends. If he says that you never talk to them again, you don't have a future. If his answer is something you can live with, give it to him. For example showing him the message or your response. Make it clear that this will only go on for a while not forever but that he needs to learn to trust you. If after you give him what he asked for initially if he wants more proof or does not learn to trust you may have to give up on the relationship.

[Hopeful30]

Seems like everyone is in the same boat as me today lol

 

My current man has been cheated on and is extremely insecure too, even though he says he's not and that he's fine with himself (like who are you kidding?). Anyways, I've been so comforting, so open, like I have nothing to hide, and yet because all his exes were crazy freak-jealous women who went through all his stuff, he finds it necessary to hide mundane things from me because he assumes i'll get mad.

 

But that's a huge backfire. If you hide things from me, no matter how innocent, I'll begin to suspect something is going on because you felt the need to hide it, otherwise why bother hiding a conversation with another woman? You're obviously allowed to talk to whoever you want as long as You know it's not a particular woman I wouldn't be happy about...

 

I'm in new territory too girl. All I can say is analyze your current man so you can detect this kind of stuff in the future and either a) avoid it or b) call him out on it early on so he knows you won't tolerate it.

[daizy]

Seems like everyone is in the same boat as me today lol

 

My current man has been cheated on and is extremely insecure too, even though he says he's not and that he's fine with himself (like who are you kidding?). Anyways, I've been so comforting, so open, like I have nothing to hide, and yet because all his exes were crazy freak-jealous women who went through all his stuff, he finds it necessary to hide mundane things from me because he assumes i'll get mad.

 

But that's a huge backfire. If you hide things from me, no matter how innocent, I'll begin to suspect something is going on because you felt the need to hide it, otherwise why bother hiding a conversation with another woman? You're obviously allowed to talk to whoever you want as long as You know it's not a particular woman I wouldn't be happy about...

 

I'm in new territory too girl. All I can say is analyze your current man so you can detect this kind of stuff in the future and either a) avoid it or b) call him out on it early on so he knows you won't tolerate it.

 

I'm in the same situation! He's dated some crazy women, and he's so drama infused, where as I like to live stress free. He "jokingly" wanted to read a conversation of mine and a friend, and there was something private I didn't want him to see and he didn't take that so well. Anyways I brought it up to him and in his defence he only thought it was rude that I was texting guys in his presence, (but I know if they were my girl friends he wouldn't mind). He says he does trust me, and it's not a jealousy thing. It sounded a little defensive but I said I would cut out the texting around him. I'll see where that goes... I still think he went out with a couple girls to spite me though. As much as I like him apart of me feels like this isn't going to be smooth sailing at all.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm in the same situation! He's dated some crazy women, and he's so drama infused, where as I like to live stress free. He "jokingly" wanted to read a conversation of mine and a friend, and there was something private I didn't want him to see and he didn't take that so well. Anyways I brought it up to him and in his defence he only thought it was rude that I was texting guys in his presence, (but I know if they were my girl friends he wouldn't mind). He says he does trust me, and it's not a jealousy thing. It sounded a little defensive but I said I would cut out the texting around him. I'll see where that goes... I still think he went out with a couple girls to spite me though. As much as I like him apart of me feels like this isn't going to be smooth sailing at all.

 

Wait, what? He went out with other girls? Can you elaborate on this a little - were these girls friends or were these dates? If he's doing this to spite you, this is a very alarming red flag. He's basically giving himself the go-ahead to behave like a jerk because he thinks you're doing something wrong. I wouldn't stand for that for one second. This is going to become a much bigger problem in the future; what else will he give himself license to do?

 

I know you like him. You can certainly try to compromise and get him involved with activities with your male friends so he can (hopefully) see that they're not a threat. But do talk to him and make it very clear that any type of jealous or controlling behaviour will not be tolerated. If he persists and continues to make you feel like you're under a microscope, I'd move on. You don't want to waste your time trying to please someone who will find a problem with everything you do, and holds you hostage for someone else's mistakes.

[daizy]

Wait, what? He went out with other girls? Can you elaborate on this a little - were these girls friends or were these dates? If he's doing this to spite you, this is a very alarming red flag. He's basically giving himself the go-ahead to behave like a jerk because he thinks you're doing something wrong. I wouldn't stand for that for one second. This is going to become a much bigger problem in the future; what else will he give himself license to do?

 

I know you like him. You can certainly try to compromise and get him involved with activities with your male friends so he can (hopefully) see that they're not a threat. But do talk to him and make it very clear that any type of jealous or controlling behaviour will not be tolerated. If he persists and continues to make you feel like you're under a microscope, I'd move on. You don't want to waste your time trying to please someone who will find a problem with everything you do, and holds you hostage for someone else's mistakes.

 

 

Basically what happened was he wanted to see me one night but I told him was at the movies with a friend (who's a boy, but he's my closest friend). Which bothered him because he didn't know anything about my guy friend yet. I basically told him I thought it was ok because were just friends, and he completely turned it around and said "so I'm allowed to go out with girls, or go out drinking with girls". Which I replied no that's different, unless these are good friends of yours then sure. Anyways he made it obvious that he was going to test me. That night I see photos of him and some friends with his arms around a couple of them in a suggestive way. I don't see him going far to hook up with any but I know he's the biggest flirt.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You know what's sad, is that you think this relationship is so important that it's worth saving even though you don't even know the half of it yet or realize the consequences, but for some damn reason...you think you're some kind of psychologist or therapist that can "fix: all these problems and the relationship will then finally be great and perfectly magical...are you that damn desperate?

 

This is his problem, and if you're in a relationship with this kind of a guy then it just goes to show you that you've got your own screws loose in your heads because you're not going to tolerate something you think is ridiculous or crazy..do you like the attention? does it make you feel special, cared for, or loved in some ridiculous warped sense of reality because this guy is super jealous? what are the good reasons that you think this kind of behavior is ok, at least for now and until you "figure it out" which you won't because you don't even understand what's going on in the first place and that this has nothing to even do with you or your behavior...so basically you're going to be defending yourself against someone who is basically "imagining" their own reality because of their own personal damn issues, you're fighting against something that doesn't exist but only in that persons mind, and then you wan't to know how to fix that with YOUR behavior? are you insane or just extremely naive? What is so wrong with you that this makes you feel so prepared to deal with or that it overshadows your own issues so you can just focus on them and feel like they're the problem?

 

Goodness gracious man, I just don't get how people walk into a board slapping them in a face and then expect to somehow change that board from smacking their face when it's been doing that way before they even got there...and then they take it personal, like it's only slapping their face, when they're just the one person foolish enough to be standing there in the moment really...because it would have be any other girls problem to deal with if she was willing to take it to the face.

 

But go ahead, "see what happens", see what you can "fix", wait until the light bulb in your brain is finally flickering and grasping what is going on here, but by then you you'll be psychologically damaged by the whole experience, doesn't that sound great? and then you can move on one day and blame the next guy and dump your issues of your jealous ex-bf that caused so much drama in your relationship and that ridiculous past you now have where you should have "left when you saw the red flags" but didn't, because of course, you thought you could "get through it" but instead stayed and now you're jaded and affected by the experience so you think you can blame others for your problems just like your ex and therefore now dumping all your issues that you absorbed from that relationship with this person onto everyone else like a nasty diarrhea...doesn't that sound fantastic? I'm sure so many will feel sorry for you, because after all you didn't "deserve it" right? I mean after all, it's not like you got to use your own brain and save yourself, no, no, no...just be childish and in denial like your "current man" and once it's too late...THEN you can cry and whine about how unfair and controlling he is and how terrible the relationship is after X amount of years together and nothing has changed (miraculously) and then everyone can treat you like a victim and feel sorry for you when the person who did this to you is your own damn self.

 

But why take responsibility for anything you do instead of realizing you just failed yourself, when it's so much easier blaming someone else for doing it to you...even though nobody was holding a damn gun to your head...oh but you "like" the person, that's your excuse, and then when you "love" the person, or "saving a marriage" or "doing it for the kids"...the excuses of the world.

[daizy]

You know what's sad, is that you think this relationship is so important that it's worth saving even though you don't even know the half of it yet or realize the consequences, but for some damn reason...you think you're some kind of psychologist or therapist that can "fix: all these problems and the relationship will then finally be great and perfectly magical...are you that damn desperate?

 

This is his problem, and if you're in a relationship with this kind of a guy then it just goes to show you that you've got your own screws loose in your heads because you're not going to tolerate something you think is ridiculous or crazy..do you like the attention? does it make you feel special, cared for, or loved in some ridiculous warped sense of reality because this guy is super jealous? what are the good reasons that you think this kind of behavior is ok, at least for now and until you "figure it out" which you won't because you don't even understand what's going on in the first place and that this has nothing to even do with you or your behavior...so basically you're going to be defending yourself against someone who is basically "imagining" their own reality because of their own personal damn issues, you're fighting against something that doesn't exist but only in that persons mind, and then you wan't to know how to fix that with YOUR behavior? are you insane or just extremely naive? What is so wrong with you that this makes you feel so prepared to deal with or that it overshadows your own issues so you can just focus on them and feel like they're the problem?

 

Goodness gracious man, I just don't get how people walk into a board slapping them in a face and then expect to somehow change that board from smacking their face when it's been doing that way before they even got there...and then they take it personal, like it's only slapping their face, when they're just the one person foolish enough to be standing there in the moment really...because it would have be any other girls problem to deal with if she was willing to take it to the face.

 

But go ahead, "see what happens", see what you can "fix", wait until the light bulb in your brain is finally flickering and grasping what is going on here, but by then you you'll be psychologically damaged by the whole experience, doesn't that sound great? and then you can move on one day and blame the next guy and dump your issues of your jealous ex-bf that caused so much drama in your relationship and that ridiculous past you now have where you should have "left when you saw the red flags" but didn't, because of course, you thought you could "get through it" but instead stayed and now you're jaded and affected by the experience so you think you can blame others for your problems just like your ex and therefore now dumping all your issues that you absorbed from that relationship with this person onto everyone else like a nasty diarrhea...doesn't that sound fantastic? I'm sure so many will feel sorry for you, because after all you didn't "deserve it" right? I mean after all, it's not like you got to use your own brain and save yourself, no, no, no...just be childish and in denial like your "current man" and once it's too late...THEN you can cry and whine about how unfair and controlling he is and how terrible the relationship is after X amount of years together and nothing has changed (miraculously) and then everyone can treat you like a victim and feel sorry for you when the person who did this to you is your own damn self.

 

But why take responsibility for anything you do instead of realizing you just failed yourself, when it's so much easier blaming someone else for doing it to you...even though nobody was holding a damn gun to your head...oh but you "like" the person, that's your excuse, and then when you "love" the person, or "saving a marriage" or "doing it for the kids"...the excuses of the world.

 

He wasn't acting like this until 2 weeks ago, we've been together for 3 months. I didn't exactly know what to expect. Maybe there were red flags earlier but nothing that I'm used to, or could recognized. My guard was up majority of the time, and just when I started to give it a chance and returned the feelings these things happened. We could be spending time together all going well, then he'll sabotage it some how. But I DO see it, he IS bringing it upon himself to cause drama. Yes I can just walk away before it get's even harder, and I was/am enjoying the attention/care I'm receiving from him. The change in him just progressed so quickly and I didn't take the time to fully analyze it, and I can already feel it affecting me now. My friend just said he'll "ruin my innocence, or mentality". Anyways I decided to take some time to myself right now to reflect/get space...

Edited February 25, 2014 by daizy