8 year relationship ended

[pepperpot2014]

Just wondering if someone could comment on my experience. I was in an 8 year relationship with my ex. I am 37 he is 39. I met him at work and we hit it off straight away. He had a three year old daughter at the time and going through the courts to get full custody of her.

 

Well, throughout the relationship he was always preoccupied with talking about his ex he had his daughter with and putting me last in the relationship. I loved him and thought I would stick it out and see where it went. Fast forward to 2012.

 

During the relationship my self confidence it rock bottom. I could not secure permanent employment but always worked in temporary assignments. I would consider myself attractive and always had a lot of bitching and bullying at work. I am also a very shy person which made it a whole lot worse. I found myself having to leave workplaces due to the extreme bullying I was faced with. I took the usual steps, HR, managers, solicitors. In 2012 I worked for the NHS and was bullied by the director of workforce and worked at this job for 11 months and could not take the abuse and left.

 

In August of 2012 my ex and I got engaged in New York, we had a problems like everyone else but it seemed ok. Forgot to say, I am mixed race, black/white and he is white and his daughter is mixed race also. My ex's sister hated my guts since the first time I met her and his father used to get drunk and come out with racist comments to me. In 2008 I stopped going to his parents house but still tried to keep a relationship with them from afar. Just before I left my job my ex was trying to get his daughter into a grammar school but she did not make the grade and he decided to send her to a catholic school. In order for her to go he had to get her confirmed etc. He attended a course at the local church so that she could start at the school and this was in November 2012.

 

While I was at work suffering with a bitch of a boss I used to call him on my lunch breaks and I asked him where he was. He said he was at the church and trying to be a better person. I didn't take much notice at the time as I was going through extreme depression.

 

Christmas came and went. I sent his whole family christmas presents and I had none in return. My ex told me that they were just buying for the kids that year. I also asked him around this time whether I could attend the church to get baptized - you know as we were going to get married it would have been logical. I asked him to ask the priest. I had to ask 5 times in the matter of one month and he just said you do it and laughed at me. Keeping in mind he was an atheist and said he didn't believe in marriage.

 

He started to treat me differently from Jan 2013 so I decided to finish with him in March 2013. I told him 3 times, handed the rings back but he told me to hold onto them so I did. His birthday 15 May came around and I took him and his daughter out for a birthday meal. He winked at his daughter as we were leaving. When we returned he was cold towards me so I left and went home. The next day I went to his flat and called him from the carpark and he said he wasn't feeling well and was going to bed early. I drove home. We spoke on the phone during the two weeks after and he was screaming at me down the phone over little things we disagreed on.

 

I texted his mother about his behaviour and she said he told her what happened and wished me good luck for the future. I went to his house the day after in the morning before work and tried to make up. He told me that I crushed his confidence, I didn't want him and I just wanted a baby. I did love him and I did want a baby after looking after his daughter for 8 years and I was touching 40.

 

His sister had a child a year before and he behaved like it was his child. My ex and his sister were very close and she never had a good word to say about me. Back to the conversation. He said that his parents were fed up of me not speaking to them and that his parents have been married for 40 years and that it won't work with me and him. He was rattling on about he wanted to find out what he wanted. I left crying as I invested so much time. I was always good to him and loving.

 

In April 2013 when I finished with him he texted me saying that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. fast forward to June. I sent him and his daughter presents in the post, him clothes and shoes and his daughter some girly things. He thanked me but he had left them at the post office for weeks before collecting them. In August 2013 I called him and asked why he was going no contact with me I had not heard anything from him. He was always the one to call me, come to my house if I didn't call him and take photos of my window and text me I know you are in I can see the light on.

 

We spoke on the phone and he said things are different now, you keep telling me what you want, you are putting pressure on me. (I believe he had someone else at this point but I didn't say anything. We didn't talk until the end of August when he had to go to New Orleans for a presentation with his workplace. I emailed him a number of times telling him how much I loved him and if we could work it out. He didn't reply. I called him mobile one year to the day we got engaged in New York while he was in New Orleans he answered and I asked him how he was and was the journey ok. I said I will call you when I get back. A week late he called me and asked me how I was. He then told me that he had met someone else and didn't tell me so that I would not be hurt. I told him I would not call him again.

 

Two days later I went to a palm reader and she told me that he had moved on and so should I but he will return only once for sex. I should tell him to f**k Off. Two days after his whatsapp status said the following over two weeks:

1. Disappointed

2. a bible passage saying 'let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth

3. tomorrow is not promised to no man

4. stress

5. real ratchet. At first I thought these were for me but it didn't add up. My brother sent him a text anonymously saying that he was going to knock him out.

 

My ex updated his status to 'it doesn't matter who did it first, it's about who did it right'. weeks later I emailed him and asked him not to put anymore status updates as it upset my mom. He changed it to a bible passage Corinthians - she does him good and not harm all the days of her life.

 

I forgot to say that I asked him to meet up with me in August 11th, he agreed. I asked him to meet me at a restaurant but he refused and said he would meet me at my moms house. He came and was very cold towards me after I told him only come if you want to work things out. He just told me I should get someone else I am beautiful and we won't work and he asked about my job and what I was doing. I didn't give him much information. I said is that all you came to say and asked him to leave. He said he isn't leaving until he got the rings back and sat back down. I screamed and shouted for him to leave but he didn't, I opened all the doors of the house and went crazy. I smacked him around the face and I never say anyone run so fast.

 

Fast forward November 1st 2013. I emailed him because I missed him so much asking him whether he was with anyone and that I missed him. He emailed me back saying as I said to you before, I am in a relationship, I love her and I am looking forward to my future, do not contact me about the past. I sent him loads of emails saying how I disliked his behaviour and that I took his sperm when we last made love. I also said that I have his keys and that I know everything he has been doing. He said that the status messages were certainly not for me, that I should return his keys. He also said, what is it I think I know.????? not sure what this means but he has been lying about something or trying to make me believe something. He didn't respond after all weekend.

 

On the Monday I was with my mom and he called her. She put the phone down and I called him back he would not speak to me. He texted my mom all the emails he sent me. My mom responded by saying stop incriminating my daughter and there was no need for him to contact us again.

 

fast forward Dec 15th 2013. I sent him an email apologising for the emails and insults and wished him well. From the time he called my mom he put a picture of Bankys sperm picture which was stolen for 3 months. 3 weeks ago he changed it to 'keep calm and f**k instagram' this was there for 2 weeks and then he has put a picture of his name. I have not had anymore contact with him this year.

 

Please comment. I know it's a long post but please give my your thoughts on his cheating, is he with someone now, did I hurt him. the year we got engaged I was going through a lot at work and studying for a management degree. We were spending a lot less time together but I made a lot of effort to see him. His sister always said why are you sitting at home alone all the time. He told me when I tried to get back with him that he had not been happy for a while, I stopped being a mom to his daughter who lived with him. I know I'm better off without him but I do love him. I know he isn't the same person. Grateful for any comments. sorry for length. pp:)

Edited February 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[oz-missy]

Move. On.

 

He is clearly in a new relationship. Yes it sucks that you were jerked around getting engaged, but the relationship has been over for almost 12 months. You getting in contact with him continually, having your family involved too is bordering on stalking.

 

I honestly think you need to speak with a counselor to sort through the issues you have had with this relationship so it will allow you to move on with your life.

[pepperpot2014]

Long story short. Was with my ex for 7 years. We got engaged in NY in August 2012. Three months later he joined the Catholic Church so his daughter could attend secondary school. He started to treat me differently and I was suffering from depression from bullying at work. March 2013 I broke up with him 3 times. I gave him his flat keys and rings back but he told me to hold on to them or sell them and go on holiday. He told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

 

Tried to get back because I loved him but he would not. He kept saying things are different now. He has not tried to contact me. He only responded if I contacted him.

 

He had some whatsapp status messages appear in sept after I spoke to him. He said we aren't getting back together.

 

1. Disappointed (this was put two days after we spoke on 4th Sept)

 

2. A bible passage basically saying ‘Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth’

 

3. ‘Tomorrow is not promised to no man’

 

4. Stress

 

5. Real Ratchet

 

I contacted him in October 2013 and asked to try again, in response he said he is on a relationship. He loves her and is looking forward to his future. Don't contact me about what has happened in the past.

 

NC. Feb 2014 he had a whatsapp picture saying 'keep calm and f**k instagram'. Will he come back. In sept 2013 I saw a palm reader who said a relationship has just ended. He has moved on. He'll come back only once and for me to move on. She told me other things 90% right. Comments please.

[lvroflife]

Focus on you! Stay NC and get yourself right and live better then when he came along!!

[pepperpot2014]

Thanks for the advice. I am seeing a counsellor now. I don't want him back. Just want him to contact me so I can tell him to take a flying jump.

[pepperpot2014]

Doing just that. Thank you

[Kopite]

I tried reading it but couldn't after three lines. Paragraphs would be nice, please

[pepperpot2014]

Sorry first post. I have a much shorter post entitled 'will he come back' x

[soccerrprp]

Just wondering if someone could comment on my experience. I was in an 8 year relationship with my ex. I am 37 he is 39. I met him at work and we hit it off straight away. He had a three year old daughter at the time and going through the courts to get full custody of her. Well, throughout the relationship he was always preoccupied with talking about his ex he had his daughter with and putting me last in the relationship. I loved him and thought I would stick it out and see where it went.

 

[Deep SIGH] 8-year relationship that started off w/o much of a chance, but you ignored the signs and wasted all this time when you could have been looking for someone available and committed only to you.

 

"...throughout, the relationship he was ALWAYS preoccupied with talking about his EX he had a daughter with and PUTTING ME LAST in the relationship." For 8-years you endured and permitted yourself to be treated less than you wanted b/c you "loved" him. If after 1-2 years there's little or no change, it won't change. Learning experience. MOVE ON.

[forgetmenot75]

Palm reader? are you serious?

 

No, I don't think he'll come back ever. Stop stalking him and move on. He's moved on already.

[notthathard]

No one knows whether he will come back or not.

Most don't unfortunately.

 

I personally would never go back to a dumper that left without trying to work things out.